[Posted by Ted H]
Well that was quite a vacation. Don't worry, NaNoWriMo is coming.
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[The 2021 MLB Turtle-Wax Awards]
These are the awards you DON'T want to win.
The "Orioles Would Rather Play In This Division" Award Awarded to the crappiest division in baseball [Previous winners: 2009 AL Central, 2010 AL West, 2011 AL Central, 2012 AL Central, 2013 AL West, 2014 NL East, 2015 NL East, 2016 AL Central, 2017 NL East, 2018 AL Central, 2019 AL Central]
---The National League East: Braves, Mets, Phillies, Marlins, Nationals---
In a year where the Dodgers win 106 games and have to settle for the wild card, it seems criminal that a team can win just 88 games and not only win a division but also not have to play the best team in the league in the Division Series. The Braves won their division while both NL wild card teams had better records. Meanwhile in the AL, the Blue Jays and Mariners missed the playoffs entirely yet would have easily displaced the Braves.
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The "Steroid Accusation Rookie of The Year" Award
Awarded to the slugger who is probably gonna get accused of steroids next, if not already
(I am NOT accusing the winner of steroids, just sayin...)
[Previous winners: 2009 Aaron Hill (TOR), 2010 Corey Hart (MIL), 2011 Jacoby Ellsbury (BOS), 2012 Edwin Encarnacion (TOR), 2013 Chris Davis (BAL), 2014 Victor Martinez (DET), 2015 Nolan Arenado (COL), 2016 Brian Dozier (MIN), 2017 Justin Smoak (TOR), 2018 Christian Yelich (MIL), 2019 Baseballs]
---Award Cancelled---
MLB keeps messing with the baseballs so now anyone can go deep it seems. After 2019’s award, it seemed fitting to call it.
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The "What the Hell Happened to You?" Award
Awarded to the team that fell off the map when they were supposed to be contenders
[Previous winners: 2009 New York Mets, 2010 Seattle Mariners, 2011 Cincinnati Reds, 2012 Miami Marlins, 2013 California Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, 2014 Milwaukee Brewers, 2015 Seattle Mariners, 2016 Kansas City Royals, 2017 New York Mets, 2018 Washington Nationals, 2019 Boston Red Sox]
---Los Angeles Angels---
I am so sick of hearing about “Just! How! Amazing!” Mike Trout and Shohei Ohtani are...but then they once again can’t even sniff the postseason. Every season I have to hear about how this team supposedly made strides and will compete for at least a wild card slot. I will continue to make fun of this crappy franchise/players until they finally see October. Ohtani will probably be hurt (again) by then and Trout will stink up the joint (like the only other time he made the playoffs in his career) but for the love of God, if you’re gonna shower those two bums with undue praise, at least have them lead this sorry team to the playoffs one time. Does MLB have to introduce an even more bloated playoff format to finally get this team in?
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The "Shut Your God Damn Mouth" Award
Awarded to whoever talked too much without backing it up
[Previous winners: 2009 Chicago Cubs, 2010 MLB Network, 2011 Carlos Zambrano (CHC), 2012 Boston Red Sox, 2013 Jordany Valdespin (NYM), 2014 Keith Olberman (ESPN), 2015 Boston Red Sox, 2016 Boston Red Sox fans, 2017 Yasiel Puig (LAD), 2018 San Francisco Giants, 2019 Brodie Van Wagenen (NYM), 2020 Houston Astros]
---The New York Mets---
I know you’re in New York and you’ve got the Yankees to compete with, but let’s not try to bad mouth the few fans in the city you already have. OK guys? At this rate even the ones that come to boo you won’t show up and then Citi Field will be as empty as every Rays home game.
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The "This Years Miracle, Next Years Indians" Award
Awarded to the team that made a surprise playoff run this year, and will fall short next year
[Previous winners: 2009 Colorado Rockies, 2010 Tampa Bay Rays, 2011 Tampa Bay Rays, 2012 Baltimore Orioles, 2013 Cleveland Indians, 2014 Kansas City Royals, 2015 Houston Astros, 2016 Cleveland Indians, 2017 Minnesota Twins, 2018 Oakland Athletics, 2019 St Louis Cardinals]
---San Francisco Giants---
Out of nowhere the Giants came by storm and took home the leagues best record and the NL West. Sure, it all fell apart in a thrilling NLDS, but that doesn’t mean the Giants aren’t for real going forward, right?
Yes, that’s exactly what it means. They might compete next year, sure, but not nearly at this level. They wildly outperformed expectations this season and they’ll regress to the mean next year.
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The "This Years Phillies, Next Years Miracle" Award
Awarded to a team that sucked this year, but can make a run next year
[Previous winners: 2009 Chicago White Sox, 2010 Chicago White Sox, 2011 Washington Nationals, 2012 Seattle Mariners, 2013 New York Yankees, 2014 Chicago Cubs, 2015 Detroit Tigers, 2016 New York Yankees, 2017 San Francisco Giants, 2018 Philadelphia Phillies, 2019 Toronto Blue Jays]
---The Cincinnati Reds---
More or less a nonfactor this year, Cincy made strides quietly and are poised to make a run of a not so closed off NL Central. The Cardinals needed a legendary winning streak to make the final playoff spot this year, so one or two appropriate additions can put the Reds into contention for sure next season.
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The "AAA Team In Disguise" Award
Awarded to a team that might have better luck in AAA
[Previous winners: 2009 Washington Nationals, 2010 Pittsburgh Pirates, 2011 Boston Red Sox, 2012 Houston Astros, 2013 Miami Marlins, 2014 Texas Rangers, 2015 Philadelphia Phillies, 2016 Minnesota Twins, 2017 Detroit Tigers, 2018 Miami Marlins, 2019 Detroit Tigers, 2020 Pittsburgh Pirates]
---The Pittsburgh Pirates---
Yes, some teams lost more this season, but while the Diamondbacks had to contend in a division with two different 105+ win teams and the Orioles had to deal with FOUR playoff caliber teams, the Pirates were just lousy. And for reasons that’ll be highlighted soon, they lack basic fundamentals. Pirates baseball is going nowhere fast...
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The "Dull Knife in the Drawer" Award Awarded to the biggest mental error this year [Previous winners: 2009 Washington Nati(o)nals, 2010 Barak Obama, 2011 Brian Sabean (SF), 2012 Derek Norris (OAK), 2013 Mark Pagnozzi (HOU), 2014 Michael Pineda (NYY), 2015 Arte Moreno (LAA), 2016 Buster Posey (SFG), David Price (BOS), 2018 Gary Sanchez (NYY), 2019 Brandon Drury/Teoscar Hernandez (TOR), 2020 Jo Adell (LAA)]
---The Entire Pittsburgh Pirates Defense--- Oh Lord, this play will go down in history. Pittsburgh based “Urinating Tree”
puts it perfectly here.
Matt Antonelli puts it
a bit more eloquently.
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The "Results May Vary" Award Awarded to a player/team that didn't live up to the hype [Previous winners: 2010 Stephen Strasburg (WAS), 2011 Carl Crawford (BOS), 2012 Los Angeles Dodgers, 2013 Toronto Blue Jays, 2014 Boston Red Sox, 2015 Robinson Cano (SEA), 2016 San Diego Padres, 2017 Eric Thames (MIL), 2018 Shohei Ohtani (LAA), 2019 Bryce Harper (PHI), 2020 Mike Trout (LAA)]
---Every Pitcher in Baseball--- So, baseball has a “sticky stuff” issue when it comes to its pitchers. As elaborated before, a bit of the sticky stuff to help command and keep fastballs from going errant into a batters head isn’t a horrible thing. But baseball outright banned the stuff and suddenly we’re back to a previous issue. Now all pitchers seem to be lacking a bit and hitters are enjoying a field day at the plate. Remember when home runs were getting out of hand and you swore it had nothing to do with how the baseballs were made?
It seemed like a nice little compromise. Let pitchers cheat just a little so no one has to admit that the balls are doctored in favor of home runs and more offense. But now that you won’t let pitchers have their slight edge, what can be done about the rampant home run gluttony that follows that you tried to explain away last time? Just fix the damn baseballs already!
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The "Ozzie Kind of Crazy" Award Awarded to the manager who had the most entertaining season to watch [Previous winners: 2012 Bobby Valentine (BOS), 2013 Joe Girardi (NYY), 2014 Kirk Gibson (ARI), Matt Williams (WAS), Joe Girardi (NYY), Brad Ausmus (DET), Kevin Cash (TB)]
---Aaron Boone of the New York Yankees--- Managing in the Bronx used to come with a volatile owner with a short fuse for field managers, so Boone might be shocked to find that he’s the first Yankees manager in a long time to hang around long enough for the fans to get tired of his act long before management apparently. The fans loved Torre (winning 5 titles will do that) and while Girardi had his critics, he also had his supporters (and a title of his own) Boone has no titles and many fans already assume he doesn’t even make decisions on his own. The entertainment that comes with Boone is merely in watching him try to justify decision that clearly aren’t his own in regards to players he’s partially afraid to criticize otherwise.
George Steinbrenner would have long ago fired Boone and traded away half of those analytics darling players.
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The "Go Stand in the Corner!" Award
Awarded to the most standout suspension of the season [Previous winners: 2013 Ryan Braun (MIL), 2014 Alex Rodriguez (NYY), 2015 Jonathan Papelbon (WAS), 2016 Rougned Odor (TEX), 2017 Austin Romine (NYY), 2018 Ken Giles (HOU), 2019 Clint Fraizer (NYY), 2020 Joe Kelly (LAD)]
---Anyone Suspended from the Coronavirus Rule--- Crime: Stepping onto the field and potentially getting someone sick with a virus that has a >99% survive rate
Time: Wait, what?
I guess brawls are a bad look for baseball, but the fans love it. But MLB announced that there would be penalties for players who enter the field during certain altercations...I guess that’s to limit the spread, but it’s stupid. These are the same people stepping onto the field during the game anyway. It makes no sense, but then again, no rules created for the WuFlu make any sense.
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The "Just Retire Already!" Award Awarded to the player on the wrong side of their prime [Previous winner: 2015 Bartolo Colon (NYM), 2016 Alex Rodriguez (FA), 2017 Bartolo Colon (MIN), 2018 Felix Hernandez (SEA), 2019 Chris Davis (BAL)]
---Justin Verlander of the Houston Astros--- Tommy John Surgery ruined any hope of 2021 for the 38 year old starter. Some guys come back from Tommy John...but Verlander isn’t quite young enough to redefine his pitching style. And he still hasn’t ruled out hanging up his cleats. TJ takes roughly a year just to get back on a mound, let alone pitch with authority.
