April 10, 2011

The L-Word

[...Posted by Ted H]

Pretty sure if I changed the locks to the house, none of the other authors would notice. Havent heard much from anyone else either, maybe they were assassinated. Like we would go on to dominate the world and someone went back in time to make sure that it wouldnt happen. So until further notice: Bree, Ry, Will and Allie are prolly dead and NOT just lazy. On that note, Im gonna go rig a shotgun to my door and window. Wont that ruin the day for my would be assassinator?
Guess Ill throw a want ad in the paper tomorrow as well...

WANTED: 3 or 4 unknown talented writers with aspirations to be a legit writer and serve with me when I conquer the world. No real skills needed aside from the ability to write and also turn a blind eye to my "evil" ways. Must work well when people are trying to kill you. Send resume, attached info and cover letter to my e-mail with the subject "I want to write/rule the world under you"

...Anyway, this week Ive decided to change things up a bit. Technically this would qualify as a play, since Ive certainly wrote it as such. Either way, the piece was based off of a true conversation I had a couple years back. The below is about 40% true to the events and 60% made up. Ill let you guess which parts are which.

More of a conversation than a play, but whatever. 3 characters having a Seinfeld-like conversation. Enjoy...


[The L-Word]

[Setting: Diner, mid afternoon. HANK enters and sits in a booth next to GARY and across from DEREK]

HANK: Sup, ladies.

GARY: Hey.

DEREK: …Yeah.

HANK: Problem?

DEREK: What?

HANK: You look troubled.

DEREK: It’s nothing.

HANK: Bull. Lets hear it.

DEREK: No…It…It’s personal.


DEREK: I don’t really want to talk about it.

HANK: *Looks over at GARY then back at DEREK* Obviously not too personal if you were telling Gary about it.

DEREK: What makes you think I told Gary anything?

HANK: Cuz Gary wouldn’t be so quiet. He loves gossip, especially the personal kind. Him not chiming in with me means you already told him. So why not me?

DEREK: It’s not that simple.

GARY: Just tell him, man.

DEREK: Why? I don’t want to be one of those people who goes around letting everyone around know about my personal baggage. I told you, that’s already enough.

HANK: And you’re still apparently pouting about it, meaning whatever baggage you have, Gary didn’t do much good for.

DEREK: No, I’m dropping this. Right now.

HANK: Just look at it this way, I’ll be gone in another couple weeks. Your secret will be safe with me.

GARY: Where you going?

HANK: Jail.

DEREK: What did you do?

HANK: What didn’t I do? But this isn’t about me, this is about you Derek. What’s the problem?

DEREK: I don’t know about-

GARY: *cutting in on DEREK* His girlfriend said the L word.

HANK: Is that all.

DEREK: This isn’t some small thing! She blind sighted me. One minute we’re talking about the restaurant I was taking her to, then out of nowhere, BAM! “I love you”

HANK: What did you say back?


HANK: She says she loves you, how did you respond?

DEREK: I…I didn’t.

HANK: Wait…You mean-

GARY: *cutting in* Yeah. He froze.

HANK: Seriously?

DEREK: Yeah. This is a problem now. She…well, she isn’t too happy.

HANK: Just say it back. Problem solved.

DEREK: It’s not that simple.

HANK: Yes it is. You’re just making it difficult.

DEREK: Oh yeah? I’d like to see you pull that off.

HANK: I love you too. See? Now you say it.

DEREK: Gary, back me up.

GARY: Dude, we can all say it right now. The trick is doing it when the pressures on.

HANK: I never said you had to mean it.

DEREK: See, this is why I didn’t want to tell you. I knew you wouldn’t be serious.

HANK: Get your panties out of a wad and listen. Women are too emotional for their own good. They either love or hate in a relationship. A middle ground does not exist. The only question is how long they can keep from vocalizing their emotions. How long have you two been “official”?

DEREK: Uh….few weeks? Maybe a month?

HANK: Fuck man, she vocalizes her love now?

GARY: Yeah man. You’d be better off just cutting her loose now before she gets too crazy?

HANK: That’s your advice? Derek chooses you as a confidant and that’s the advice you give? Jesus. Derek, don’t do that. Emotional woman like that, she'll stab you in the penis in your sleep. Liable to keep it as a souvenir as her “love for you” or something.

GARY: Be serious.

HANK: Sorry. She’ll just shove it up your ass instead. Crazy women can hate you out loud just as easily as they love you.

DEREK: So what do I do?

HANK: Well, her crazy is at a dangerous level. And you freezing in the headlights isn’t exactly helping your cause either. Like I said though, all you have to do is lie to her.

GARY: Even if he lies, an emotional woman like her? She might see through it.

HANK: True. She calls shenanigans on that, she might rip your balls out on principle.

DEREK: Could we come up with a scenario where my groin doesn’t suffer in some horrible way?

HANK: We need you to say it and not men it, while still meaning it.

GARY: Yeah. We need you to practice. A lot. Like, why aren’t you practicing right now?

HANK: Nah, we don’t have the time.

DEREK: Time?

HANK: You need to play damage control. It’s possible for you to practice this and master it, but not soon enough.

GARY: Just do your best.

DEREK: I don’t know about this. I’ve already pissed her off over this once. If I fuck up my “lie” that might be too much for her to overlook.

HANK: True.

GARY: So we need you to sound sincere.

HANK: Do you love your mom?

DEREK: Of coarse.

HANK: Ok, just imagine your mom.

DEREK: I doubt that would work the same.

HANK: Better than nothing.

GARY: We’ll call that plan B.

DEREK: Then we need a better plan A.

HANK: When are you seeing her again?

DEREK: Tonight.

HANK: Well fuck, man, that doesn’t leave us much time.

DEREK: It’ll be fine. She might not bring it up.

GARY: And if she does?

HANK: We need to tackle this from another angle.

DEREK: Like what?

HANK: Music.

GARY: I don’t think quoting a song will work.

DEREK: I’d try anything at this point.

HANK: Shut up. You like Rise Against, right?

DEREK: Uh…yeah.

HANK: So if I asked if you love or hate their music, you’d say…

DEREK: I guess love?

HANK: How about Offspring?

DEREK: Not so much.

HANK: No. Either love or hate, straight up.

DEREK: Ok…love.

HANK: Breaking Benjamin?

DEREK: Love.


DEREK: Hate.

HANK: Green Day.

DEREK: Love.

GARY: I bet, faggot.

HANK: Hush.

GARY: Is this going anywhere?

HANK: Yeah. Derek, how about U2?

DEREK: Love.

GARY: Are you done with favorite band?

HANK. Shut up. So Derek, remembering out last exercise, If I asked your opinion about Green Day, you’d say?

DEREK: I…I love Green Day?

HANK: Exactly. How about Breaking Benjamin?

DEREK: Love em.

HANK: You what?

DEREK: Um…I love Breaking Benjamin.

GARY: Heh, you love Benjamin?

HANK: Rise Against?

DEREK: Love Rise Against.

HANK: How about U2.

DEREK: Love U2.

HANK: Again.


HANK: Just say it again.

DEREK: I love U2?

GARY: Holy shit…

HANK: One more time, nice and slow.

DEREK: Ok…I love U- HOLY SHIT! I love U2!

HANK: Now you can mean it when you say it, without actually meaning what you say.

GARY: Is that really gonna work?

HANK: Best he can do without actually loving her.

DEREK: Wow. This might actually work!

HANK: Now go get ready for your date.

DEREK: Sure…See you guys later.

[Exit DEREK]

GARY: Do you really think that’ll work?

HANK: Good lord no. He’s fucked.

GARY: Why would you…

HANK: They’re gonna break up either way. At least this way is funnier.

GARY: Nice.

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