December 11, 2016

Pure Human - Dead on a Mountain

[Posted by Ted H]

So...Gonna put up my 2017 New Years Resolution to post with more regularity. Pure Human is almost done...but in my drive to get to the finish, I keep forgetting to actually update the site...


[Pure Human - Dead on a Mountain]

            Blake should be cold, common sense dictated that since he was sitting near the peak of a mountain. He was quite comfortable though in just his trench coat. He idly thought of a cigarette, but he questioned his ability to light it with the wind blowing the way it was. "I don't particularly feel like looking around," he announced with surprising clarity and volume despite his location, a further indicator that he wasn't actually where he was perceived to be.
            The Faded Man appeared before him, walking up the mountain. "Would you prefer the park again?" he asked as he reached Blake, who stood up. "Nah, that's Anin's dream world," Blake said as he looked about to the cloudy view of his mountain top. "Makes me wonder," he continued "Is the park from Anin's dream world a real park, or just something random?"
            "Is this mountain real?" the Faded Man asked back.
            "Well this IS Everest, right?" Blake said "Or at least what I envision it to be. I doubt you picked it, since I was thinking of it on my own at the time you so rudely intruded my personal space."
            "You bring your dead to the top of a mountain?" the Faded Man asked as Blake began to understand the original question.
            "Not really," Blake said "Everest is no joke. You die, you're left behind. Already too dangerous to begin. Main focus is still how do you get yourself down; no time to think about the dead." The Faded Man furrowed his eyebrows at the statement. "It's odd, I know," Blake said as he looked towards the nearest body to where he sat "But it's a cruel world, isn't that right 'green boots'?" The dead body nearby did not respond.
            "Hmm," Blake muttered "I figured this is my world, I could get him to do something. Maybe I need to focus-"
            The Faded Man cleared his throat, grabbing Blake's attention.
            "Right, whatever," Blake said "So why are we here? A bit early to gloat."
            "You've served your purpose. I'd rather dispose of you now while I have a chance, even if the best I can muster is incapacitating you in a fire."
            "Hoping it slows my friends down and they all get caught in the blaze?" Blake tossed out.
            "Or they just leave you behind, whichever works."
            "What's the matter? I get one of your precious monsters killed and now you don't want me around?"
            "They are expendable, more so once my influence becomes amplified."
            "What makes you think you can even amplify yourself? You've relied on some pretty specific circumstances to this point in order to gain access into people. And what's to say you're gonna be allowed to even get stronger?"
            "Like you even have an inkling on how to stop me," the Faded Man taunted.
            "Then why bother with all of this? If I don't have a clue on how to win, why even concern yourself with my involvement?
            The Faded Man said nothing and smirked at Blake in a way that annoyed him. The kind of smirk you give to someone oblivious to something completely obvious to you. The superior smirk of a smug ass that made Blake want to walk over and pummel the Faded Man until he stopped. As he felt the anger, Blake noticed the wind around him start to pick up and have a bite to it as it blew passed his face. "We're done here," he said.
            "You don't decide anything," the Faded Man replied.
            "You want to strut around and show off how powerful you are," Blake said as he stood up "Show off the hold you have on humans and complain how this is your world and blah blah blah. Funny thing is, right now, you're in my world." At Blake's command, the wind of the mountain began to blow in one direction at the Faded Man, trying to blow him down the mountain.
            "Adorable," the Faded Man commented but ultimately held his footing "But this vessel is of my original creation."
            "And just like Earth, you no longer hold true control over it anymore," Blake shouted over the winds as all the dead on the mountain began to rise up and run for the Faded Man. They were pushed away at first, but soon they numbered too many as they collided to smother the Faded Man. Blake then willed a tremor through the mountain that triggered an avalanche. The falling snow began down the mountain, but curved its path to avoid Blake and head straight for the Faded Man, who was slowly being pushed back away by the wind and the dead.
            The Faded Man struggled to poke his head through the dead and to face Blake briefly before the avalanche hit. He then spoke in such a way that his voice cut through the sound of wind and chaos around to be heard clearly by Blake. "I look forward to twisting you into my pure creation once more." Before Blake even cared to respond, the avalanche crashed through and everyone was gone.

November 24, 2016

Pure Human - Pecking Order

[Posted by Ted H]

Here's a super awesome 1st ever Thanksgiving update!


[Pure Human - Pecking Order]

            "Why are you here?" Blake demanded as he walked in to seem Whitey praying over a tattered corpse. "Don't take that tone with me!" Whitey yelled back. "And you!" Blake turned to yell at John "I told you to be white on rice with Bryant, not white on fried rice. Where is he?"
            "Detained," John said "And hobbled."
            "Oh," Blake said as he nodded approvingly "Good enough."
            "You would approve of unwarranted violence," Whitey snapped.
            "If it makes my job easier, you'd be surprised at what I approve of," Blake said "Now how in the world did you even get here?"
            "That coat of yours isn't exactly subtle. It's a beacon of energy that's just calling out for me to smite it."
            "Whatever," Blake dismissed her "You do realize it sends mixed signals when you show up randomly like this when I'm working, right?" Whitey scoffed as she turned to continue praying over a body. "Don't bother praying for whoever that was. In case it isn't obvious, we're at ground zero for all this chaos, and these guys were responsible."
            "No one is above prayer," Whitey said.
            Blake rolled his eyes and turned away from Whitey as she prayed softly to herself. "What now?" John asked "I know he's mostly harmless and all, but I'm not too sure about being in the same building as the fading guy."
            "We plan more accordingly," Blake said, contemplating a cigarette "We know the limitations of Vitaearnus, we know there were seven of those creatures (now six) and we know those things are extremely fragile so long as none of them get the drop on you."
            "So...optimism?" John asked.
            "I know, right?" Blake said "This feels a little weird. Usually we're-" Blake cut himself off as he snapped his attention to the hallway heading to the stairs. "Something's here," he said.
            "Bryant?" John asked as he readied his gun. "Nah," Blake said as he pulled Kimberly behind him. "I don't hear anything," Whitey said. "Whispers...Clicking," Blake said as John's eyes went wide and he trained his gun at the door. "Only one way in here," John said as he aimed "Even those things can't be that foolish, right?"
            "They're not," Blake said "But they're out there."
            "Well there's only one way in here," John said "So let's hope they're as suicidal as we hope."
            "Sounds like they're more likely to wait for us to foolishly try to escape," Whitey said "Only way in is also the only way out."
            "Wait," Kimberly said "More of those things? Like what you had me look at before? They catch fire in sunlight or whatever. How did any of them come here?"
            "Weather was about to get pretty bad when I was last out there," John said "Pretty dark looking."
            "Convenient," Blake mumbled.
            "How did they even know to come here?" Kimberly asked.
            "They were created here," Whitey spat as she readied herself "They most likely live here."
            "You don't murder your way to freedom just to live next to your old cage," Blake said.
            "Well then they probably were drawn to your evil energy," Whitey replied "Same way I found you."
            Blake rolled his eyes, then spun his head around in realization. "That's why he was here!" he cried out.
            "Who?" John asked without looking over, eyes trained on the only exit.
            "Vitaearnus," Blake said "Called his children home to do his dirty work."
            "I knew finding you was a bad idea," Whitey said as she pressed her hands together and began whispering a prayer into them.
            "You kidding me?" Blake asked "For once you're actually involved in the case!"
            "Guys," Kimberly interrupted "Nothing is coming."
            "Hmmm," John said "Maybe camouflage?"
            "We'd still hear them, and they're not getting closer," Blake said
            "Maybe they're using stealth," Whitey said condescendingly "Or do you not know why camouflage is a thing?"
            "They can't camouflage like that you tit, they're night dwelling creatures by nature," Kimberly shouted "How do you not know this?"
            "Stay out of this," Whitey said "This doesn't concern you. Blake was foolish to risk your life by involving you."
            "Are you serious?" Kimberly said "I just got here while you've been looking into this for way longer. And I still know more about these things than you." Whitey flashed a shocked look which soon turned to anger. She was about to respond when John interjected. "Can we focus, please?" he yelled.
            "Relax," Kimberly said "They're waiting for us to make a move."
            "How are you sure?" Blake asked.
            "We're in a bit of an entrenched position," Kimberly said "And with your ghost buddy calling out orders, he know it'd be suicide to charge in after us. So they obviously need to get us out of here first."
            "And how would they do that?" Blake asked.
            "Obviously burn us out, duh. Set fire to everything and wait for us to evacuate."   
            "How would you think a fire?" John asked.
            Kimberly was silent for a moment while eyeing everyone. "Does no one else smell the smoke?" she asked. Blake and John looked at each other quickly before smelling the air. "It's faint," John said "But something is burning, yeah."
            "When were you going to say something!" Blake shouted.
            "I thought you knew!" Kimberly shouted back "How could you not smell that right away! I thought you just had some big James-Blake-style plan to get the upper hand and that's why we were waiting around in a burning building."
            "Seriously?!" Blake shouted "Even if I did have a plan, step one would still be get out of the freakin fire!"
            "Well do you have a plan now, or what?" Kimberly asked
            Blake sighed before looking to the others. "John, take point. Whitey, hang back and watch our six," he said before turning back to Kimberly "You, stay behind me."
            John nodded and slowly walked into the hallway, gun drawn. Blake followed with Kimberly right behind. Whitey checked back to where the fading man had been before she followed, ready to strike at anything approaching. They made it to the stairwell, the smell of smoke building as they made their way.
            The sounds of crackling flames from above enveloped the stairwell as they entered and a bright red light shone from the opening at the top. "That's not a good sign," John commented as he began up, gun raised "I'll scout ahead quick and make sure it's safe. "Hold up," Blake said as he heard a strong and angry whisper behind him. John ignored him and continued up.
            Blake still had enough remnants of the blue chalk on his hand, so he dug his lighter back out and casted the shadow trick and checked back the way they came. Walking passed Whitey and heading for Blake was the fading man again. The shadow he was casting suggested him raising his arms towards Blake's head. "What's going on back th-" was all Blake heard John say before darkness overtook him and he collapsed.
            "Oh you've got to be kidding me," Whitey said as she quickly backed up. Kimberly sprinted through the hall, foolishly passed where Blake just fell, and hid behind Whitey as John came barreling down the stairs. Whitey prepped her hands with glowing light and held them in front of herself, set to hold off the invisible adversary somewhere in front of her.
            "What the hell happened?" John asked as he ran over to Blake. "Don't go near there!" Whitey called. "Why?" John questioned. "Invisible man!" Kimberly yelled. "And how do you expect to escape?" John asked "You're on the wrong side of the hall to be afraid of something invisible in it."
            Neither girl answered him as he reached Blake and crouched down. He was alive, but out cold. "This is where you'd say something dumb and snarky," John whispered as he pulled Blake's arm up and grabbed his lighter "You'd mock everyone and say something about how if something was going to happen it would've already happened."
            John hoped that Blake's shadow casting trick didn't require the user to be conscious. He ignited the lighter and held Blake's chalked hand out behind it, careful to avoid setting the man's hand on fire. The blue hue flashed out towards the girls to reveal nothing unseen near them. John then adjusted to show the other end of the hallway. The faded man was nowhere to be seen or unseen.
            "Where did he go?" Whitey asked as she calmed her hands down. "Maybe he stole James' soul and escaped with it!" Kimberly threw out there. "Are you two really gonna question this now? With a burning building over us?" John yelled as he grabbed Blake's body and threw it over his shoulder.
            "Wait!" Whitey cried out "Those creatures may still be up there!"
            "Your point?" John asked as he held out his handgun with his free arm.
            "Can you fight them while carrying Blake?"
            "Not really sure, but it's not like either of you can carry a grown ass man out of a burning building."
            "No, this really the safest option for everyone?"
            "Are you suggesting we leave Blake behind?"
            Whitey bit her lip, unsure of what to say before she finally answered "...No, but..."
            "Learn the pecking order," John said as he started for the stairs.

November 1, 2016

NaNoWriMo 2016

[Posted by Ted H]


Between building a house, moving, starting a new job and getting me some advancement in said new job, 2016 hasn't really offered much to me in the way of time to write. Hell, I haven't had a chance to finish writing Pure Human let alone do much anything else besides pounding out the Diary of the Dead review.

So I'm in no condition to attempt NaNoWriMo this year. By no means will I not participate. This will be my 10th straight year; lip service at the very least must be made. But I'll make no serious attempt at 50,000 words...and ya know what? That's ok. Last year I pulled off the 3-peat. Over 150,000 words over the span of 90 nonconsecutive days. I could use a year off.

...................SO, what's the plan, then? Finally cap off Pure Human? Maybe. Or maybe I'll use this month to fire off a not-so-major endeavor. Only time will tell. Stay tuned.

October 14, 2016

The 2016 MLB Turtle-Wax Awards

[Posted by Ted H]

You'd think I'd forget this year?


[The 2016 MLB Turtle-Wax Awards]

These are the awards you DON'T want to win.

The "Rays And Orioles Would Rather Play In This Division" Award
Awarded to the crappiest division in baseball
[Previous winners: 2009 AL Central, 2010 AL West, 2011 AL Central, 2012 AL Central, 2013 AL West, 2014 NL East, 2015 NL East]

---The American League Central: Indians, Royals, Tigers, Twins, White Sox---

So, right away the first thing that pops out for these guys is that the Indians won the division. The Indians. How many of those 94 wins came against their crappy division foes? The Twins lost 100 games! Only the Tigers had a shot at the wild card while the east had 3 teams and the west had 2! The defending champs were a crappy .500 team and the White Sox did their usual routine of pretending to compete before they fade away into obscurity.


The "Steroid Accusation Rookie Of The Year" Award
Awarded to the slugger who is probably gonna get accused of steroids next, if not already
(I am NOT accusing the winner of steroids, just sayin...)
[Previous winners: 2009 Aaron Hill (TOR), 2010 Corey Hart (MIL), 2011 Jacoby Ellsbury (BOS), 2012 Edwin Encarnacion (TOR), 2013 Chris Davis (BAL), 2014 Victor Martinez (DET), 2015 Nolan Arenado (COL)]

---Brian Dozier of the Minnesota Twins---
2016 HR total: 42
Previous Career High: 28 in 2015.

My first thought when looking at home run leaders for the season: Brian Dozier?
My next thought: Brian fucking Dozier?
2nd baseman Brian Dozier?
Are you fucking kidding me? Brian Dozier?


The "What The Hell Happened To You?" Award
Awarded to the team that fell off the map when they were supposed to be contenders
[Previous winners: 2009 New York Mets, 2010 Seattle Mariners, 2011 Cincinnati Reds, 2012 Miami Marlins, 2013 California Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, 2014 Milwaukee Brewers, 2015 Seattle Mariners]

---The Kansas City Royals ---

Defending champions. Playing in baseballs weakest division. The same division as the 100 loss Twins. The same division as the freakin Indians. Back-to-back pennants, so the last couple years weren't a mistake. Guys, what happened?


The "Shut Your God Damn Mouth" Award
Awarded to whoever talked too much without backing it up
[Previous winners: 2009 Chicago Cubs, 2010 MLB Network, 2011 Carlos Zambrano (CHC), 2012 Boston Red Sox, 2013 Jordany Valdespin (NYM), 2014 Keith Olberman (ESPN), 2015 Boston Red Sox]

---Boston Red Sox fans---

They signed David Price.
Then, as per the usual, the fans (ESPN included) talked about how that was a pennant clinching move because apparently that's all that was lacking for this crappy team to go from irrelevant to world champions. Whatever.
Then the season started and Price struggled. Bad. And all the fans lined up to make excuses.
Then he stopped sucking and all the fans were back to being cocky.
Then the playoffs came. And here's the thing about David Price in October-he's not very good in October. And with the Red Sox trailing 1-0 in the ALDS, Price steps to the mound and what does he do? He sucks. Red Sox get swept and the universe comes back to order.
Until next year, you fucking idiots.


The "This Years Miracle, Next Years Indians" Award
Awarded to the team that made a surprise playoff run this year, and will fall short next year
[Previous winners: 2009 Colorado Rockies, 2010 Tampa Bay Rays, 2011 Tampa Bay Rays, 2012 Baltimore Orioles, 2013 Cleveland Indians, 2014 Kansas City Royals, 2015 Houston Astros]

---The Cleveland Indians ---

This was a tough call. The Giants and Mets both look poised to disappear, but then again, the Indians are the Indians. They are incapable of being good for consecutive years. Plus, the Tigers are poised and lord knows maybe the Royals will show up next year.

(I am 5-2 in making this prediction. My mistakes are because the 2011 Red Sox choked, allowing the Rays to make the cut, and the 2015 AL Central being dreadful...)


The "This Years Phillies, Next Years Miracle" Award
Awarded to a team that sucked this year, but can make a run next year
[Previous winners: 2009 Chicago White Sox, 2010 Chicago White Sox, 2011 Washington Nationals, 2012 Seattle Mariners, 2013 New York Yankees, 2014 Chicago Cubs, 2015 Detroit Tigers]

---The New York Yankees---

Gary. Sanchez.


The "AAA Team In Disguise" Award
Awarded to a team that might have better luck in AAA
[Previous winners: 2009 Washington Nationals, 2010 Pittsburgh Pirates, 2011 Boston Red Sox, 2012 Houston Astros, 2013 Miami Marlins, 2014 Texas Rangers, 2015 Philadelphia Phillies]

---The Minnesota Twins---
It took you 10 tries to win your first game this season. We all knew at that point to just buckle up and get ready for a looooooong season after that.


The "Dull Knife In The Drawer" Award
Awarded to the biggest mental error this year
[Previous winners: 2009 Washington Nati(o)nals, 2010 Barak Obama, 2011 Brian Sabean (SF), 2012 Derek Norris (OAK), 2013 Mark Pagnozzi (HOU), 2014 Michael Pineda (NYY), 2015 Arte Moreno (LAA)]

---Buster Posey of the San Francisco Giants---

Buster Posey. Best catcher in baseball. Clutch hitter. Can't run the bases for shit, apparently.
In extra innings of an August 8th game against the Marlins, Posey went from 1st to 3rd on a base hit and literally interpreted what a "head first" slide was as he went into 3rd base face first. Personally, I could watch that slide all day....but really though, Buster, we aren't that long removed from you having a season ending injury from a slide/collision (legal, BTW), so why risk injuring yourself again with a dumb and awkward slide?


The "Results May Vary" Award
Awarded to a player/team that didn't live up to the hype
[Previous winners: 2010 Stephen Strasburg (WAS), 2011 Carl Crawford (BOS), 2012 Los Angeles Dodgers, 2013 Toronto Blue Jays, 2014 Boston Red Sox, 2015 Robinson Cano (SEA)]

---The San Diego Padres ---

Hey, remember when the Padres made a lot of offseason noise with the players they acquired? Then the regular season started off in opposite fashion that the world beating expectations they set for themselves? Then AJ Preller (GM) decided to trade everyone away and talk shit on their way out. James Shields was the big one, but apparently no one could handle being a Padre....How's last place taste, Preller? Oh that's right, you're suspended. Even the no expectations Diamondbacks finished with a better record. In fact, only the Twins finished with a worse record than you, and they too had zero expectations.


The "Ozzie Kind Of Crazy" Award
Awarded to the manager who had the most entertaining season to watch
[Previous winners: 2012 Bobby Valentine (BOS), 2013 Joe Girardi (NYY), 2014 Kirk Gibson (ARI), Matt Williams (WAS)]

---Joe Girardi of the New York Yankees---

"But what about A Rod, Joe?"
That question is going to haunt Girardi for a long time. A Rod finally decides to leave the Yankees and Girardi wants to go about business as usual. But no, A Rod wants to play 3rd one last time, and Girardi is more or less "Ha ha, no." right after he said "Well sure buddy, why not!" So, yeah, a little inconsistency. But while Girardi looks like the bad guy for not letting A Rod play one last game at 3rd for a team everyone wrote off for dead, Girardi is busy trying to get his team back into contention...and playing A Rod would be counterintuitive to that plan. Funny thing is, the Yankees eventually clawed their way back into contention, but everyone forgot it was because Girardi stuck to his guns and didn't treat A Rods final week with the team as a joke and instead stuck to his usual lineups that included A Rod mostly riding bench.


The "Go Stand in the Corner!" Award
Awarded to the most standout suspension of the season
[Previous winners: 2013 Ryan Braun (MIL), 2014 Alex Rodriguez (NYY), 2015 Jonathan Papelbon (WAS)]

---Rougned Odor of the Texas Rangers---
Crime: Punching Jose Bautista in the face
Time: 7 games

Worth it.


The "They'll Let Anybody Pitch" Award
Awarded to the pitcher who should never have been allowed near a mound
[Previous winners: 2014 Kevin Correia (LAD), Rick Porcello (BOS)]

---James Shields of the Chicago White Sox---

6-19...5.85 ERA...only 135 Ks in 181.2 innings...40 home runs allowed...and a .288 batting average against.

That's crap, and we all expect so much more out of James Shields. Last year his numbers across the board were way better and he was expected to lead a "better" Pares team this season...then he sucked and was shipped out to the White Sox just in time for their team wide collapse. I should split this award for both teams he was on this year, but he was slightly less crappy with the Padres...and while the White Sox were already in free fall mode when they acquired Shields, it seems his arrival only solidified their collapse.


The "Just Retire Already!" Award
Awarded to the player on the wrong side of 35 that still thinks he can play
[Previous winner: 2015 Bartolo Colon (NYM)]

---Alex Rodriguez of the [Team Not Found]---
Age: 41

Whoa whoa whoa, wait! A Rod retired! Right?
No, Rodriguez was released by the Yankees and they offered him some job in the organization. He never said anything about retirement. Hell, for a hot minute after leaving the Yankees, he gave serious thought to joining the Marlins. Until A Rod actually says he's retired, I'm not ready to believe he's actually retired. Until then, don't be shocked to see A Rod as some teams Non-roster Invite to spring training.

September 16, 2016


"Why DIARY OF THE DEAD sucked"
By: Ted H

An analytical look into the various failings of the George A Romero film DIARY OF THE DEAD. In an effort to make up for the short comings of his previous DEAD film, Romero made a whole new batch of inexcusable errors, further sullying the genre he helped popularize. This starts off as an exercise in torture only to end as more of a eulogy for a beloved franchise.

Diary of the Dead
George A Romero
Michelle Morgan, Joshua Close, Shawn Roberts
[independent] / Distributed by Dimension Films

Part 1: Dear Diary...

Part 2: ROLL CALL!

Part 3: Priorities

Part 4: Why I Hate Deb

Part 5: Women and Children First!

Part 6: Challenge Pissing (of the Dead)

September 4, 2016

Update goes here

[Posted by Ted H]

A good portion of my shit is in boxes, and the vast majority of my free time is spent painting... yeah, Pure Human is kinda on the bench for a minute...

Here's something random to fill the void!


As I sift through shambles
I miss those days

When nothing meant anything
Anything meant nothing

Those days are gone
Replaced by days gone by

Familiar pains replaced by unwanted
Unending joy replaced by scheduled

A laugh taken for granted
Now cherished and rare

Concepts once foreign
Now prescribed their dose

What were you before?
What was I then?

Is your picture a liar?
Or I the fool?

I can't fix you.

But I'll try to hold those pieces together.

August 21, 2016

Pure Human - Shadow Caster

[Posted by Ted H]

Big move day is coming. Prepare for delays...


[Pure Human - Shadow Caster]

            "I can't identify any of this," Kimberly said as she continued to stick her hands in the human gelatin. "Anyone tell you lately you're a little gross sometimes?" Blake asked, not fazing Kimberly in the slightest. "I've touched worse things," she said "But yeah, I can tell you this is human, uh, stuff, but judging with my own eyes, I can't tell what it's from...but it is squishy."
            Blake was about to say something when he heard John screaming "Blake! Fading man! Right now!" Blake stood up while Kimberly gave him a puzzled look. "What's a fading man?" she asked as Blake helped her up and they stepped out of the chamber. "You need to leave, now," Blake said as he stepped out and strained himself to look out into the hall. "What are you looking for?" Kimberly asked as Blake pulled her with him into the hall.
            "Blake?" John called from the other end of the hall. "Where is he?" Blake called out. "One of the chambers, I dunno which!"
            "Right," Blake said as he dug into his pocket for his lighter. He also reached into his coat for what looked like a blue piece of chalk. He pinned the chalk in his left hand with his thumb and ignited the lighter with his right hand. "I don't see anyone," Kimberly said as Blake stood in front of her and raised the lighter. He extended his left hand behind the flame, keeping the chalk almost touching the fire. With that, a blue hue was cast forward, extending throughout the hall wherever Blake was aiming it.
            Blake panned around the hallway until a dark shadow appeared against a wall deeper into the hall. "What the hell is that?" Kimberly asked as everyone looked to the empty space where the shadow was occupying. "Shadow Caster," Blake said "Nifty little trick. Casts a light that hits everything, seen and unseen. It won't illuminate the unseen, but if it's here, it'll cast a shadow."
            The faded man, unseen to everyone in the hallway, walked towards Blake, who kept casting his light to match the location. Kimberly broke from Blake and ran to John, who had his gun drawn, though he questioned its current need or effectiveness. By time he reached Blake, he was absorbing the brunt of the generated light, casting a large and imposing patch of darkness behind him on the hall.
            "Blake, get out of there!" John called. Blake smirked, but did not move. Instead he closed his lighter and pocketed it and the chalk. "We're fine," he said "We can't touch him and vice versa."
            "You sure about that?" John asked.
            "I'm...Pretty sure?"
            "Oh my God!" a voice cried out from behind where John came in. "Oh, no," Blake said while making a face "Did you invite Whitey?"
            "I didn't invite anyone!" John protested as Blake marched over to him "She just showed up. Said she was tracking you."
            "Fan-freakin-tastic," Blake said as he kept walking.
            "I knew he'd be annoyed," John said.
            "Wait," Kimberly said as Blake and John walked away "What about Mr. Invisible over there?" Blake shrugged. "He's just scenery right now," he said "Just don't fall asleep...or be alone in a dark room with him." Kimberly quickly ran to catch up.

August 14, 2016

Pure Human - Attempted Arson

[Posted by Ted H]

At this point I realize my already written material is almost caught up to where I am right now...


[Pure Human - Attempted Arson]

            John and Bryant returned to the parking lot so Bryant could retrieve the rest of his gas. The early morning sun was already being hidden behind some ominously dark storm clouds that were quickly moving in from the west, the brunt of them still approaching from the distance. "I know you don't want me to do this," Bryant said "So why allow me? Is it because your friend holds the leash?" John rolled his eyes. "I used to be a cop," he said "I know six different tactics off the top of my head to detain you, some of which I don't even need to use my gun for."
            "Then what?" Bryant asked, intrigued.
            "Then I'd call the police and have you arrested for attempted arson."
            "But you won't will you?"
            "I never said I wouldn't. I just need to make sure Blake has enough time to investigate. Once I call the police, they'll be all over this place and no one will be able to investigate."
            "And once he's done with that? Will you try to stop me then?"
            "No. I plan to do it much sooner." John then pulled his gun out.
            "Threatening my life won't work," Bryant said plainly "I already want to die."
            "I never said I'd kill you," John said as he raised his arm slightly to take aim and shoot Bryant in the left foot." Bryant screamed and fell over as blood gushed out of him. "You crazy son of a fucking whore!" he screamed. "I've been called worse," John said as he casually walked to his car to get a pair of handcuffs. Bryant meanwhile was trying to hobble his way back into the office so he can either hide or blow it up, he wasn't yet sure of which. John was easily able to catch up though, and dragged him to his own car and handcuffed his arms behind his back with the cuffs threaded through a door handle.
            John patted him down and retrieved his lighter and key card and tossed them aside. "You won't be needing either of these, right?" he asked as he heard approaching footsteps. At first he figured they were either Blake or Kimberly, but they were coming from the wrong direction. He spun around, pistol ready, when he realized who it was. "Lena," he said as he lowered his gun "What are you doing here?"
            Lena looked more pale than usual, and she kept her one hand pressed to her side. "You aren't hard to find," she said "I can sense the demon power in your buddy's coat. It's just a matter of following." Bryant's cries for help caught Lena's attention. "Who is that?" she asked. "As far as I know?" John said "The last living person responsible for all this." Lena's eyes went wide as she stormed around John to Bryant and looked him over.
            "You shot him?" she asked. "He was looking to burn down this building and all proof of his crimes with it...and himself," John responded.
            "So you shot him?" Lena asked, baffled "What gives you the right?"
            "Spare me," John said "Not all of us can do funny tricks, or have God given powers."
            Lena looked like she was about to respond, but didn't. Instead she placed a hand on Bryant's shot foot, bowed her head and started praying. "You know," John said "If Blake were here, he'd call you out on following us around despite you constantly threatening us not to do the same thing to you." Lena stopped praying a moment to regard John. "Well it's not like you two actually honored my threat, so I don't see the problem," she said before going back to praying.
            "Not quite the same," John said "What are you even doing?"
            "Healing him," Lena responded without looking up. Bryant had remained silent throughout the whole conversation.
            "So long as you don't let him go," John said as he walked to return to the office building.
            "Where are you going?" Lena asked.
            "There is no way you're going in there before Blake knows you're coming," John said. Instead of waiting for a response, he continued on his way inside and back down to the complex. Once back in the control room, he noticed the computer with the camera feed on it was back working. "I'm getting used to the rotting corpse smell this place has taken on," he said to himself as he walked to the computer "I don't know if that's good or bad."
            He shifted from camera to camera until he found Blake and Kimberly in one of the chambers, both kneeling over a pile of human waste. The feed's view setting was different as it wasn't a regular view, but colored differently. Blake and Kimberly lit up with bright colors to indicate where they were, almost like thermal vision. The pile of human waste left behind by the test subjects after becoming the creature also lit up, but the rest of the room remained black.
            John wasn't interested in the awkward view, so he tried to set the camera to a more normal view setting. He clicked what he could, but he found he could only switch to different cameras. He switched from view to view, trying to see something besides empty test chambers when something different caught his eye. Another figure lit up the screen, in darker colors than the others, and he walked into view before walking through a wall in the direction of the chamber Blake was in. "Oh shit!" John said as he jumped away and ran for the door in the direction of Blake.

August 7, 2016

Pure Human - The Melrose Theory

[Posted by Ted H]

Holy hell, remember this story?
I'm not sure if I'll have anything right for next week since I'm prepping for a move. We'll see. But in case I got nothing, I leave you with a pretty long bit...


[Pure Human - The Melrose Theory]

            They waited outside for another hour, John not in the mood to smell the inside of the building any more than he needed to. They talked about random things, as if anything from last night didn't happen, and ultimately argued over whether or not John should go drive to the nearest gas station to buy coffee and cigarettes. Eventually, all conversation ceased when another vehicle made its way towards the parking lot. The approaching car stopped and out stepped Bryant, in a black t-shirt and jeans, with the same tired expression on his face from yesterday.
            "Did you bring coffee?" Blake asked "Or doughnuts? Or anything, really." Bryant gave a puzzled look before regarding the two cars parked nearby. "You came separately?" he asked. "Nah," Blake responded "I got a friend in there." Bryant's expression was of such shock, his mouth fell agape. "Why would you bring other people into this?" he yelled. "So I take it there's no breakfast," Blake said instead.
            "Why would I care about feeding you?" Bryant asked.
            "Because we were here all night," Blake responded quickly "Mostly."
            "I told you to come around now. Did you come right here after leaving yesterday?"
            "Dude, we were all set to call it a night," Blake said as he raised his hands to plead innocence "Things just happened and now we're here. Tell him, John."
            "Shit happened," John said with his arms crossed.
            Bryant shook his head. "How many people have you been blabbing to?" he asked.
            "Calm down," Blake said "Just us. Oh, and Anin, she's involved. And I guess Joey if he wants to believe it. Obviously Kimberly too, though not as up to date as everyone else."
            "Don't forget Matthew," John added, taking pleasure in the increasing misery Bryant was showing on his face with every name brought up.
            "Yeah, Matthew," Blake said "And I guess Clyde and Whitey count as w-"
            "Enough!" Bryant shouted, ready to tear his hair out "Are you planning to just run your mouths until this all gets out?"
            "Listen to me very carefully," Blake said, shifting his tone to a more serious one "This is already out. People are dead. There's a man grieving over his shattered family because of whatever the hell happened in that basement got out. You're not here as a courtesy, either. Don't forget that."
            "You've been in the basement?" Bryant asked, worried about what was already known.
            "Not yet," Blake said "You better have a keycard though."
            "I do, I do," Bryant said as he searched his pockets for it "Just, let me explain before-"
            "Guys?" Kimberly interrupted. Everyone turned to face her as she walked out of the building, covered in blood, with an uneasy look on her face. She led them to the corpse room, where her project for the last couple hours laid with an open chest and a pool of blood around from where Kimberly had been digging around. Upon sight of the creature, Bryant freaked out and began trying to explain, but kept tripping over his own words. "Shut up," Blake said. "But," Bryant began but Blake put his hand up for the man to be quiet.
            "So that...thing," John asked "What did you find out?"
            "It's a person," Kimberly said as she made a sideways face.
            "Please, I can-" Bryant started but Blake stopped him. "What do you mean it's a person?"
            "Well," Kimberly said as she walked to the table "This thing had its appendix removed. Plus what I could make of the teeth, though heavily distorted into these fangs, clearly show signs of a couple cavities being filled. Guys, if this is a person who's missing and this is super illegal shit I'm taking part in, now would be a good time to tell me."

July 31, 2016

Why DIARY OF THE DEAD sucked pt6

[Posted by Ted H]

A friend of mine once saw this movie the day it came out. Afterwards he called me right away to tell me how awesome he thought the movie was.............We're not friends anymore.

Diary of the Dead? More like Diarrhea of the Dead, am I right?

Aaaaaaand it's over. This review clocked in +1 entry and at least a thousand more words than the last review, yet I still feel like I had way more to say and bitch about in the LotD review. I think if I were to ever do another movie review...I'll definitely pick a movie I like instead of a steaming pile of shit movie...just a thought.

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5


[Why DIARY OF THE DEAD sucked pt6]

Part 6: Challenge Pissing (of the Dead)

I have previously gone on record as saying George Romero is like George Lucas; following up to a beloved and classic trilogy of genre defining movies with three turds of a follow-up trilogy that ruins the classic movies by association. And while LAND OF THE DEAD is indeed like THE PHANTOM MENACE in terms of a jarring shitty movie to introduce us to the new trilogy, DIARY OF THE DEAD follows that trend well by being like ATTACK OF THE CLONES where you watch it and realize that the previous movie was no accident.

Yes, I do realize that this movie was intentionally low budget, indie style  and what not, and I did try to curb my bile in regards to all that. But what can't be forgiven no matter the movie and budget is poor writing and directing, especially by someone who knows better (and yes, this movie was both written AND directed by Romero).

Both major characters in this film (Jason and Deb) are completely inconsistent throughout the entire run time. Deb constantly switches her opinion on Jason filming the events as the movie goes on between hating him for it and being completely ok with it. Meanwhile, Jason keeps going on and on about making this movie will save lives, but every time someone is in danger, he does fuck all to try to help them. Everyone is running around the hospital, looking for help for a dying Mary, and Jason instead decides to film his camera charging...He watches and fails to bother warning Boyfriend about an incoming zombie...Deb has a zombie hanging off her back trying to eat her, but the angle of the shot was way more important than helping...Girlfriend is running for her life in the woods from a zombie, but he decides to instead act like it's instead his monster movie from the beginning...Hell, at least he's consistent at the end when he himself is finally being eaten, and he decides to film his demise rather than escape it. It's like he was gonna name this movie "Survive the zombie apocalypse by doing the exact opposite of what me and my friends are doing."

So let's talk about the overall theme that Romero forced into this movie, as he does usually. Don't trust the media...and people will always be compelled to record tragedies. The whole "Media tells LIES" thing is a bit unnecessary since the whole "Dead rising to eat the living" thing is a bit impossible to cover up for more than an hour when it's as widespread as being let on. Local? Yes, that could be contained. Worldwide? No, you can't cover that up.

As for the whole "Being compelled" thing. I still call that horse shit. I refer you back to my comparison to 9/11. According to Romero, if Jason was in the World Trade Center, he'd be filming while still inside the burning towers, doing absolutely nothing to help anyone hurt he came across.
Like I said before, yes people will feel it appropriate to film terrible events, but only from a position of safety. There was only one time in this movie where Jason was in a position of relative safety: when he and his gang were with the Black Militia. Bunch of people with runs? Yeah, best leave the zombie fighting to them, you can just film it since there's nothing of value you need to do. If the entire movie took place with the Black Militia, then my biggest gripe about Jason would be gone.
So...Is there a better movie in here?

Is it worth saving? You tell me. (See what I did there?...Nevermind...)

The challenge: Make an improved pitch for the bad movie. I'm not allowed to add new characters or change too much about existing ones. I can ignore some characters, or at least downgrade them to minor characters who have no bearing on the story. The location and elements within must also have minimal tweaking.

Now, I'm going to keep the Indie spirit mentality that this movie was made with and not go for broke on things that happen. I'm also handcuffing myself to the idea that this MUST be a "found footage" style movie, so everything involved must be shot with either Jason's camera or the other camera they found in the hospital. But can I still find a better script in here?

A better version of DotD would work like this:
Skip all the bull shit and voiceovers and start right with our "heroes" in the woods shooting their monster movie. You can still have Elliot calling in the background over how "You guys should hear this, something weird is on the news" but have Jason ignore it because he needs to get this scene where Mummy-guy chases Girlfriend in the woods right. See how I made Jason still an insufferable prick while still making it not retarded?

Enter an actual zombie that Jason and Girlfriend mistake for Mummy-guy in the dark. The zombie eats Girlfriend and THAT is our introduction to zombies in this fucking zombie movie. Not some news video, not a jump scare, but actual action. The group fights off and Mary (who somehow had a gun remember) kills the zombie. Instead of shooting herself out of shock of what she did, the group can take a rational response to Mary having a gun and just take it away from her so she can sulk in the RV for a while.

Everyone can freak out over what's happening like in Romero's version: Mummy-guy and that random girl can drive off while Jason decides he needs to find Deb. Also we can add Girlfriend dying right now and biting Boyfriend's dick off or something. The group can panic here and drive off without them, effectively saving us from bad acting and "Don't mess with Texas" in one awesome swing.

This is where my version gets way better than Romero's: While in the dorm to find Deb, instead of running into some random criminal, Jason instead runs into a zombie that gets a bite in. Jason is now effectively dying. Instead of videotaping his friends all dying, he decides in my version that he wants to chronicle his slow death on camera so that the rest of the world can have a firsthand account of how this zombie virus is happening.

The rest of the movie suddenly becomes tolerable because we're no longer trying to comprehend why Jason is insisting on taping. Then at the end we could have a bad ass death for Jason, where as he finally succumbs to the virus inside him, he hands Deb a camera and says "When I turn...shoot me." Then Deb films him waking up as a zombie before she blows his brains out.

...Also the Professor can still take the stupid bow and arrow, but the idea that it could help him fight off the undead leads to an immediate and hilarious demise.

This movie COULD be good, but it wasn't. Romero tried to go back to his roots a bit with this one after fumbling LAND. We couldn't see ourselves as these characters like in other Romero Dead films. NIGHT had a bunch of strangers trying to survive together in a farmhouse...DAWN had a few schmucks hole up in a shopping mall. Both films involved the characters acting in realistic ways. We could see ourselves in certain characters

DIARY has no realistic characters. No one would be like Jason where you'd have to be a complete scumbag to wanna not only film everything, but also do jack shit if anyone was in danger. And none of the other characters were realistic since literally anyone else would just chuck that fucking camera out the RV while it's driving over a bridge, 1st chance.

This movie is not as bad as LAND OF THE DEAD. LAND was a fucking mess beginning to end. You walked away from that movie with a bad taste in your mouth and no hope for George Romero's career. DIARY had its moments, but you left that movie with a bad taste too, just a different kind of bad taste. You leave it thinking and feeling that it was such a waste of potential. And sometimes that feeling is what makes this movie hurt more than the other.

It's that feeling that makes me never even acknowledge SURVIVAL OF THE DEAD. I'd rather watch that shitty remake of DAY OF THE DEAD a thousand times...and that's saying a lot.

July 24, 2016

Why DIARY OF THE DEAD sucked pt5

[Posted by Ted H]

"Prelude in D Flat Major" is the way overused music in this movie. I've learned to hate it.
...Also, the movie was shot in Canada...because Romero's love for Pennsylvania isn't as big as it used to be...

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4


[Why DIARY OF THE DEAD sucked pt5]

Part 5: Women and children first!

The overarching plot to this mess is finally reaching its payoff. We have reached Scranton and arrived to Deb's house. After a bit of speculation as to why the house looks abandoned*, Deb decides to abandon the party and urges everyone to get back on the road without her. I am all for this idea. Sadly, this won't happen.

*Did I mention the family was vacationing at the time? And that at one point they managed to get a text out to her that they're ok (at the time) and are driving home? No? Did I gloss over those parts? My bad, I must not have cared. To be fair, the scene where Deb gets a text is right after the 72,000 Myspace views argument and I was still blind with rage at this movie...

Before deciding to leave, Deb looks to the camera (because that's the only way to talk to Jason anymore) and says something along the lines of "I guess I'll call you," like this whole zombie apocalypse thing was more of an awkward first date or something with Jason replying in equally dumb fashion. At this point Jason is committed to the idea that he's gonna leave his girlfriend home alone during the zombie apocalypse to keep filming his Myspace movie. Tony quickly calls bull shit on this and decides to stay with Deb so she isn't alone. Then everyone quickly decides they have their own reason to get off the RV and chill at Deb's house; Girlfriend wants to pee, Elliot wants to play video games, Professor wants to get drunk...I'm not shitting you on any of these reasons...but the only person who has no legitimate stated reason for wanting to stay with Deb is her own fucking boyfriend.

So, upon reflection, it's more and more likely that Jason isn't so much Deb's boyfriend throughout this movie as much as Tony is. Go back and watch some parts of this movie; whenever Deb needs someone to lean on or for general support, it seems like she goes for Tony way more often than she even acknowledges Jason as an option. Maybe because it's Tony actually making an effort for the group to survive, or maybe it's because Deb has silently agreed that she needs to dump Jason for being a dipshit (she just needs to find the right off camera moment to have "that talk") and has already decided Tony makes a fantastic rebound.

Into the house we go and we discover that the family did indeed make it home, but they're nowhere in sight. Deb discovers the abandoned car they drove home on and is pointed to a damaged and bloody window in the front passenger side. So yeah, shit looks bleak. Deb starts freaking out and needs to find them, only for Tony to stop her and explain that they might not be ok. Ya know, gear her up for the worst case scenario...shit a boyfriend would do....while her actual boyfriend silently records it and says nothing. At this point I'm convinced that they did break up off camera.

While Tony is being the concerned apocalypse boyfriend to Deb, you should at this point take notice of the Professor standing over them, rocking out his dumb fucking bow and arrow set and you just know that shit's gonna get shoehorned in this movie now. Just, gear yourselves up now for that. Meanwhile, Elliot and Girlfriend are somewhere else in the house and...not looking for the family? Cuz seriously, how hard is it to find either 3 zombies, 3 scared alive people, or any combination of the two?

Before we continue, I must warn you, this next bit is where the movie fucking dies. Before it was just a shaky plot with some seriously underwhelming acting. But the part where Deb's brother, as a zombie, ninjas over and jumps onto Deb's back (without biting her, because why would a zombie do anything like that?) is the part where the S.S. Diary of the Dead can officially be classified as a sinking ship.

July 17, 2016

Why DIARY OF THE DEAD sucked pt4

[Posted by Ted H]

Just gonna go ahead and announce that it'll be a cold COLD day in hell before I review Survival of the Dead...........

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

[Why DIARY OF THE DEAD sucked pt4]

Part 4: Why I hate Deb

Cut to everyone* pushing the RV because something is wrong with it. Girlfriend says it's the fuel line (because her dad was a pit crew guy for some redneck NASCAR driver. Fire arms and cars, she's from the south you guys, GET IT?) so they gotta fix it up. Only after already pushing the RV onto a strangers property does anyone think to maybe ask the owner if it's cool. Don't worry though, the owner is just walking by because anyone having to find him without Jason to film it just wouldn't do.

*Obviously Jason doesn't help because he's too busy filming it, because he's a fucking cunt, and because every single tiny detail MUST be filmed!

The owner does enter immediately, but because this film is full of dumb choices, he's a deaf Amish guy who announces his presence by groaning in the way deaf people do, but it sounds similar to a zombie moan, so everyone needs a dumb jump scare. After quick introductions, the Amish dude points out actual zombies that are pulling a ninja zombie attempt. Then the Amish dude tosses some dynamite and blows them up in a really shitty looking way.

July 10, 2016

Why DIARY OF THE DEAD sucked pt3

[Posted by Ted H]

I'm gonna try to power through this movie as best I can before I move. That way I can give this shitty movie back to my brother. I'd hate to rush the end. If I'm gonna hate on a movie, I'm gonna hate on it right, God dammit!


[Why DIARY OF THE DEAD sucked pt3]

Part 3: Priorities
Into the hospital we go...and it too is abandoned. At this point Deb pulls an idea from the Fred Jones playbook: Let's split up, gang! So the group splits up despite one group not being able to bring the injured Mary with them. What happens if they find help first? Run around lost, looking for Mary so they can save her? I know Deb said "We'll look for the ER" but what if whatever help you find goes to the ER to meet them there only to find that Deb and company went to the wrong fucking floor or something? This was not a rational decision, but a Romero decision because we're gonna be in a situation soon where it's just Jason talking to Mary and we need the other characters to not be around for that.

So Jason, Deb and the lovebirds take Mary and eventually run into a zombie. Along the way they hear a radio transmission that explains that you gotta shoot em in the head. Thankfully the male love bird has the gun so he can fight off the zombie. What the shit though-everyone splits up but only one group takes Mary AND the only weapon.

Now another zombie shows up, but OH NO! THE GUN JAMMED! Then Deb walks by the zombie within arms reach and gets some defibrillators, and the zombie doesn't even attempt to go after. Then Deb does the clich├ęd defibrillator dispatch from every move featuring one ever (except for CRANK) then the zombie falls dead out of frame in a way that won't match its position when the camera pans down to see the body. Sloppy sloppy sloppy. But wait, the zombie isn't dead and gets up for a jump scare despite Jason facing that direction. And I know he's facing that direction because that's where the fucking camera is pointed! A little heads up, Jason?

Time to resume getting help, but wait, the camera is low on battery power. Clearly Jason has to stay behind to charge the camera while still filming despite there being nothing to film because everyone else has gone ahead to find help but leaving Mary behind with Jason. So now one group has the only gun, Jason alone has Mary, and the other group has nothing. WHY BOTHER SPLITTING UP? The most likely outcome here is the group with the gun finds nothing while the other group gets eaten because they're defenseless while Mary just dies because she's sitting around waiting for help in a clearly abandoned hospital!

So now we have Jason alone with a dying Mary and a couple dead zombies that I swear to God their position on the floor changed again. Jason is lamenting on how useless he feels being unable to help cuz he's stuck babysitting his charging camera. Don't worry, charging a video camera, and documenting the charging of said video camera is WAY more important than trying to save the life of your friend. This is invaluable footage of a girl dying that the world needs to see!

Scream off-screen and gunshots happen. Normal people would think to help, but not Jason because this camera charging footage isn't gonna shoot itself. Deb returns with a video camera of her own in tow. She uses it as a shame tactic against Jason for everything I talked about in the previous two paragraphs. Jason pleads for Deb to put her camera down and just tell him what happened. Deb does with Jason still filming because fuck consistency in an argument! She tells the story and plays it up for the camera, then halfway through her bullshit another dead guy arrives and Deb IMMEDIATLY starts filming it too on her camera. Didn't you just get done chastising Jason for doing nothing except film shit during this whole ordeal?

Male love bird, that was his cue, now walks in and dispatches the new zombie like it's his fucking dead end job or something then gives one of the most phoned in "I just killed another man" zombie movie speeches ever. And out of nowhere comes the Professor to give some speech about how he was in war or something and killing becomes easier and blah blah blah. Then it becomes his turn to chastise Jason for videotaping everything instead of doing a damn thing to actually help.

Jason, seriously, not a single person so far has said anything along the lines of "Dude, yes, videotape the zombie apocalypse. This is definitely helping us survive this ordeal." Everyone who has weighed in on you so far (Tony, the random criminal in the girls dorm, your girlfriend and your fucking college professor who is the reason you got into directing) have all agreed: stop being a twit and actually contribute.

Before anyone can delve deeper into how much of a fuckass Jason is, Mary dies and starts turning. Male lovebird once again phones in his performance as he goes through the motions of trying to decide if he can go through with killing zombie-Mary even though she's his friend (I think? It was never really established how she knew the rest of the group. My only theories are 1-Deb's bff...2-no ones friend but rather the one chick who has access to the RV everyone wants to party in so everyone pretends to be her friend to get to the RV...3-the naive chick who the Professors been fucking on the side cuz the Professor looks like the type to take advantage of the occasional student) Anyway, the professor takes the gun, dispatches Mary, then continues to bitch out Jason while pawning off the gun to Tony because of psychotic reasoning. Dude, the Professor is a fucking asshole when he's sober. Somebody get this man a whiskey!

Some more preachy bull shit from Deb's voiceover happens and I choose to not acknowledge because I'm trying to get through this part in one sitting. Then the cream-de-la-crop of Jason being a fucking useless human being happens. He fucking films a zombie walking right up to the male love bird and barely warns him as the zombie bites into the guys arm. Then he just fucking stands there filming while the poor bastard tries to fight off the zombie while Elliot feebly pushes the zombie away, then uses an IV pole to stab the attacker in the chest to show everyone else that the zombie is a zombie.

Anyone remember Tom Savini's NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD remake? Remember the scene where not-Barbara shoots a zombie a couple times in the chest to show it's a zombie because she's sick and fucking tired of everyone bitching about how the attacking zombies can't possibly be dead? Yeah, Elliot's doing pretty much that right now. My problem here is we've seen plenty of zombie killing action to the point that no one should be questioning that the dead are returning to life. Fuck, didn't everyone just get done watching Mary die and turn? Elliot and not-Barbara's tirades are always a pleasure to watch, but only if you don't feel like it was forced in after you stop and think about the context for a moment. Trust me, there was plenty wrong with Savini's NIGHT, but that scene wasn't one of them (now that shirtless zombie that happened immediately after is a different story, but let's save that for a review that I hopefully never do)

Zombie dead, female love bird rushes to her now (slowly) dying man, who is now poorly acting his way through his post zombie bite. Deb is filming this when she suddenly catches herself and realizes she's a fucking hypocrite. Now more Deb voiceover where she wonders what is it that makes people so interested in tragedies. Let's skip that and talk about what makes Jason so compelled to record everything thus far.

Yes, people are interested when crazy shit happens. And yes, they often times record it. Nowadays it's because their YouTube hits will skyrocket for it. But what they don't do is record horrific events while they themselves are active participants in immediate danger. Yes, people are compelled to record terrible things, but only from a position of relative safety. Need a plausible real world example?

Let's talk about 9/11...

The events at the destruction of the World Trade Center towers on September 11, 2001 stands as one of (if not #1) the most well documented tragedy in freakin history. Go to YouTube right now and type in 9/11 or anything similar and you'll be buried in a shit ton of results made by people taping and documenting the attack and eventual collapse of the two towers. You've got angles of people hanging out of windows with an inferno behind them. You have angles of people jumping to their deaths, with the camera following their decent as best they can. You even have some idiots who run onto the main plaza to get a better look at the scene (naturally unaware of the potential of the towers collapsing, otherwise he'd be a mile away.)

And speaking of collapsing. There are angles upon angles upon footage upon footage of each tower collapsing. And on top of that, we have countless shots of the 2nd plane crashing into the south tower to go with the one or two rare pieces of footage of the 1st plane hitting the north tower. (Fun fact: the most well known footage of the 1st plane strike was taped by a guy shooting a documentary of a rookie firefighter. He was getting some B-roll footage of the chief doing some lazy Tuesday morning bull shit when the plane happened to fly low overhead and get everyone's attention.)

So, where's the outrage for anyone making 9/11 tapes? Well, it wasn't like they were shooting their footage while inside the towers. Unlike Jason, they were recording their footage from a safe perspective. I mean, yeah, on 9/11 America was under attack and technically nowhere was safe, but everyone with a cell phone camera or whatever were recording their footage from a (relatively) safe place. And it's not like any non-first responder is gonna be of any use anyway.

Jason, on the other hand, is right smack in the middle of the zombie apocalypse. He is not shooting his film from a safe location and he can be of use to his friends if he bothered to put the camera down and help. People around him are dying and all her can do is record it as opposed to bothering to help. There is the outrage. He is a detriment to his group and his actions (or non-actions) are costing other people their lives.

New day and Mary is buried. Jason had the common courtesy to not film the process but I highly doubt he lifted a finger to help. Everyone with a shovel (where did they find a couple shovels?) is finishing up the grave while we pan out to find that the male love bird is already dead. You guys think that maybe a 2nd grave is warranted? No? Did nobody like this guy? Was he only around because he was the blond chicks fuck buddy?

Enter the standard fare of "Why is he dead after one bite?" and the usual conversation as to what could have caused such a quick and fatal infection. Nothing to gripe about there unless you don't like zombie movies (And if you don't, why are you here?). Tony decides that it's time to kill the male love bird before he turns...and for some reason decides that the best way to announce this is by cocking the chamber right next to the grieving (poorly grieving) girlfriend's ear. (Why are you cocking the gun? It's already loaded and has already been fired before. All you're doing is wasting a bullet!)

More run of the mill "He might not turn" or "Let's just wait and see what happens" which is fucking stupid because you just got done burying Mary! Who died and came back without being bitten! So guess what's gonna happen to someone dead who was bitten! This all ultimately turns into the girlfriend having to kill her dead boyfriend as he awakens...alone...because closure? This never really gets explained, which is inexcusable. Jason insists on taping everything he finds relevant to this apocalypse, and if people get pissed, he just pretends to stop filming, just to get what he wants on film. So the conversation where the girlfriend decides she'll wait alone for her boyfriend to reanimate so she can kill him seems like a pretty big conversation to skip.

Whatever, boyfriend reanimates, and the girlfriend shoots him in the head, first try, without properly aiming (or any firearms training but I guess it's assumed that since she's from Texas she should already know firearms? Like it's taught in grammar school right after Math.) Male lovebird is now gone, poorly acting his death as he did everything else in life. Then the Professor makes some tasteless comment about the boyfriend "he just flunked out." I know he's been drinking steadily since at least Mary's burial, but you don't get to make a stern speech to Jason about being a twit in the zombie apocalypse, then turn around and make stupid one liners like you're kicking off an episode of NCIS Miami.

Dead are now buried, we can get on with this road trip. But not before Jason pisses off more people by taping their reactions to the impromptu double burials. You guys go on ahead though and leave me with the bodies. No? Fine, let's keep this train wreck a-chuggin!

Next stop: Amish country!