July 17, 2016

Why DIARY OF THE DEAD sucked pt4

[Posted by Ted H]

Just gonna go ahead and announce that it'll be a cold COLD day in hell before I review Survival of the Dead...........

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

[Why DIARY OF THE DEAD sucked pt4]

Part 4: Why I hate Deb

Cut to everyone* pushing the RV because something is wrong with it. Girlfriend says it's the fuel line (because her dad was a pit crew guy for some redneck NASCAR driver. Fire arms and cars, she's from the south you guys, GET IT?) so they gotta fix it up. Only after already pushing the RV onto a strangers property does anyone think to maybe ask the owner if it's cool. Don't worry though, the owner is just walking by because anyone having to find him without Jason to film it just wouldn't do.

*Obviously Jason doesn't help because he's too busy filming it, because he's a fucking cunt, and because every single tiny detail MUST be filmed!

The owner does enter immediately, but because this film is full of dumb choices, he's a deaf Amish guy who announces his presence by groaning in the way deaf people do, but it sounds similar to a zombie moan, so everyone needs a dumb jump scare. After quick introductions, the Amish dude points out actual zombies that are pulling a ninja zombie attempt. Then the Amish dude tosses some dynamite and blows them up in a really shitty looking way.

I'm gonna come right out and say it. This entire section of the movie is entirely fucking pointless. The Amish guy doesn't join up with the crew, but rather gets bitten by a ninja zombie, then offs himself in an impossible way, all reminiscent of the dumbest kills from Romero's last train wreck of a movie. Nothing happens to any other character. Aside from the Amish dude, nothing happens except they fix the RV. The entire scene takes a few minutes and adds nothing to the overall film. Seriously, if you went from the burial scene to the gas station scouting scene, you would never think twice. In fact, the movie as a whole would be better overall for it.

So the next logical scene plays out where everyone is scouting a gas station. They need gas and other such supplies. Before they can so anything though, a black guy rushes and bashes Jason right in the camera. I would allow it (since seriously, fuck Jason) but Tony was standing right next to him and had his gun out. THAT'S the guy you smack first!

So black guy and Tony are now having a standoff (and Elliot's filming with the backup camera, because how else could Romero allow to show Jason getting smacked in the camera?) It's an M16 vs a handgun. Even though one bullet from Tony can still overcome an M16, Elliot shouts out "What he's gots better than yours, Tony, waaaaaaaaaaay better!" (Whose side are you on, asshole?) Later we realize that the black guy had a couple more assholes as backup, which is a pretty shitty ambush if Tony was quick on the trigger while the dude was smacking Jason like a bitch.

Anyway, everyone heads for a safe house where the black guy from before pretty much is the HNIC (Google it). HNIC says it's cool for everyone to have some of their stolen gas. Also to use the internet. Because the internet survives. Also, along the way, we see more of those "LIES" that are being spread about the zombie apocalypse. Again, kinda moot when the "TRUTH" was already released. Also moot when the zombie apocalypse is in full swing! There is no spin for this, everyone already knows!

Deb walks in, and kicks off the worst fucking part of this movie. This is also where Deb cements herself as my most hated character. Not Boyfriend and his phone-it-in acting. Not Professor and his bipolar moods. Not Jason and his existence. It's Deb.

Deb asks what's up and Jason says they're just editing their footage. Deb questions the reason for needing the internet and Jason says they're uploading their shit. 72,000 hits on Myspace in 8 minutes, which, you know, not fucking possible. Myspace doesn't even get 72,000 hits a day site wide. This movie was released in 2007. Myspace was well into its freefall by then. Even if Myspace was in its height (2005) during the zombie apocalypse, no one is gonna get their TRUTH from a college kids Myspace page that he made for his films.

Deb decides to have a talk with Jason and kicks Elliot out of the room. Then she mocks Jason by turning the camera around to face them for their talk. She bitches about nothing new, just the usual about how Jason is being useless. Jason then turns the argument around by saying he's getting the TRUTH out there to save lives and shit because of all the LIES the media is pumping out over all this.

Jasons arguments:
-72,000 hits! (on Myspace)
-Hits coming in from all over the world (I dunno how you can track that on Myspace, but sure, I guess)
-We're getting the TRUTH out (several days into the zombie apocalypse, where by now you either know how to survive, or you're already a zombie)
-The news is a pack of LIES (You've seen one news story. For all you know, every other station is showing legit stories. I don't wanna rewind the tape, but I'm pretty sure that was a FOX News story you saw before)
-72,000 hits! (again)
-We may be able to save somebody's life (you know, just like Mary, who you filmed running over zombies and not only did you make her think they were living people, but you were right in her face with your camera so she knew that it was on tape and no jury in the world would find her innocent, so she ate a bullet over it. Way to save a life with this film!)
-72,000 hits! (That means he's Myspace famous now, you guys. It's a pretty big deal. In 2007, Facebook is still only for college kids, so Myspace is still where the cool kids hang)
-In another hour, it'll probably be a million [hits]! (Will daddy love him then?)
-By tomorrow, who knows (If it works like my Myspace views went, it'll be 72,000 still)
-People are learning how to survive by watching how me managed to survive. (It's really simple, kids! Find an RV, run some zombies over, find some redneck girl who can repair fuel lines, run into the black militia and ask them nicely for gas and internet privileges! It's that easy!)

Deb is completely won over by this drivel. "You always know how to make a good argument," she says before walking away all happy. THAT IS NOT A GOOD ARGUMENT! The conversation was about why Jason isn't doing shit to help the people he's with right fucking now! He hasn't done shit to help anyone! He's led to more confirmed deaths than anything else!

Before we have any time to process this retardation, Jason gets a video call. Remember those two people way back at the beginning who ran away before the scene where Jason goes looking for Deb? Me neither, but they're alive. The one dude (dressed like the mummy monster from the shit film they were shooting originally...and for some reason still in costume) is making a fucking party out of the apocalypse and is totally inviting everyone to come join him.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, all the black people are freaking out because one of their own had a bad heart and died and now no one can find him.......

Wait, so hold up.....

You're in the zombie apocalypse....and you know you're in the zombie apocalypse.....one on your guys just fucking dies and you not only fail to do anything about it, but you also happen to lose track of the corpse? Seriously?

Yo, black militia, between this and your idea of an ambush, I don't exactly have high hopes for you guys in the long run. I mean, you guys are great at looting (is that racist? I'm pretty sure that sounded racist. Still gonna point it out though) but other than that, you guys seem pretty fucking hopeless.

Meanwhile, most of the group hides in the RV, and I'll just point out that the TV playing in the background is accurately reporting the zombie apocalypse. Pretty sure that's from NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD, but more importantly, it seems to be reporting the TRUTH! What, did all of the media decide to stop reporting LIES once they found out about Jason's 72,000 hits on Myspace?

So the black people start to get super serious about finding their dead friend before he finds them. Cut to some shooting and people proclaiming that they got it. Then everyone runs over to find out the kill wasn't the guy they were looking for.

...So....so does that mean there were two zombies? Or did someone just get murdered? Anybody wanna answer that? No? Do we not care about this zombie? Guys, #ZombieLivesMatter

Surprise! Ninja zombie! Luckily for some reason, it doesn't immediately eat Tony, which, ya know, makes no God damn sense. Actually, I don't really question the ninja zombie here, because everyone is too busy talking and making noise, so it's not like this zombie needed any ninja skills. Quick kill though, since apparently hydrochloric acid was on the looting list for the black militia. Makes sense, my own personal zombie survival looting list is: Gas, guns, extra clothes, hydrochloric acid, bandages and food. Do I question Tony's use of the acid? No. He does go to college after all.

Everyone gets set to go, with Scranton only 65 miles away and a kinda full tank of gas, it all looks good. Then Deb decided the group needs weapons and food. HNIC says something along the lines of "Haha, no." Deb decides "You're gonna have to kill us."

What should have happened: HNIC kills Deb and probably Jason too for good measure. Everyone else agrees that free gas is good and they definitely shouldn't look that gift horse in the mouth any longer and leave, off to survive another day.

What actually happened: HNIC decides for no reason to cave into the demands of a self entitled idiot white girl who has no idea just how serious shit outside is.

What probably happened: Jason put the camera down for a second to have a chat with HNIC. He said "Listen man, I don't know if you realize this, but I'm Myspace famous. I got 72,000 hits on my movie page in just 8 minutes," to which the HNIC responded "Holy fuck, that's a lot of hits! Here, take everything you need!"

Anyway, everyone arms up with their clich├ęd weapon of choice. Girlfriend gets a cowboy revolver with belt (she's from the south, you guys!)...Professor arms up with a bow and arrow set...Elliot sets up with a shotgun, despite the very real chance his skinny little arms will snap from the recoil the second he pulls the trigger. They also all get a bunch of anonymous supplies that aren't worth mentioning for reasons that'll make sense very soon.

NOW we can leave, right? Nope. First the HNIC needs to give Deb his approval. "I think you're a lot like me," he says (what, in charge of a bunch of idiots?) Not exactly a ringing endorsement from the leader of the idiot brigade. HNIC has his shit together, yeah, but everyone else in this warehouse is fucking stupid.

Back on the road and the internet fucking died. So...why keep making this movie? Myspace kind of needs the internet to be a thing, Jason. Cut to the voiceover by Deb explaining that the mainstream media was down, not individual bloggers and people like Jason. That makes no sense. The internet servers just went down, hence why Girlfriends phone shit the bed while viewing a Youtube video, so shut the fuck up, please.

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