February 23, 2013

Why LAND OF THE DEAD sucked pt.3

[...Posted by Ted H]

So while looking through some info and statistics related to this blog the other day, I came across something a bit...odd.

There is someone out there who was running searches for "Safe Haven nudes"
I believe for me, on the internet, it is known as: validation.

Another search was "Whys the bitch in Safe Haven running?"
Uh...to whoever is wondering, I'm gonna assume that whoever the "bitch" is would be running because ResEs are trying to track them down. Try actual names next time.

Anyway, I'm all but finished with my LotD rant, so here's part 3. I got 2 more parts lined up and ready in case I get to a weekend where I'm not entirely happy with anything else. Enjoy.

Part 1
Part 2


[Why LAND OF THE DEAD sucked pt.3]

Part 3: Humans vs humans...featuring ninja zombies.

You thought this movie was bad before? Well it's time for the movie to trip into one of the gaping plot holes I mentioned before.

Let's start with a couple of idiots having target practice by the fence to get in. At this point, it's only safe to assume they're making this much noise because they're sitting pretty behind a proven defense. Even if the dead are "learning" and "know they can't get in a certain way", then there has to be a precedent to learn by. And even if there isn't, then there has certainly been enough time to fortify defenses to the point where you can afford to have a couple of jackasses pointlessly shooting and making noise, right? Right?


 Let's start with Big Daddy who apparently became a ninja zombie overnight. We all love ninja zombies, right? You don't? Well fuck you, Romero apparently loves them. So Ninja Big Daddy kills the jackasses, then everyone sounds the alarms saying "They're all over the place."

 We are, or should, be deep enough into the zombie apocalypse where this absolutely, positively, inexcusably cannot be a new concept that catches anyone off guard. A large horde of zombies attacking? That's day 1 shit right there. If these people can't handle this, then FG should never have even happened.

 Step one for repelling a horde is to have a solid outer wall...which brings us back to the chain link fence. That's it. We have one guy running up to that fence and shooting zombies, which, honestly would be a good idea if ANY of the other soldiers thought to join him. We also have guys in an elevated position, which is also good unless zombies can also fly now.

 Then the fence falls over and zombies march in. Humans should still be able to handle this unless they do something stupid. Aaaaaaaand one of the guys in the elevated position jumps down right next to some zombies and gets eaten. So yeah, these guys are fucked. How that many zombies even ninjaed their way to the fence is dumb. How anyone thought that chain link fence would stop even the wind is dumber. How, when the zombies got in, the soldiers decided to flail about like fucking morons is the dumbest thing of all.

 Dead Reckoning drives away and Big Daddy shoots it, apparently giving himself a refresher on how a gun works because it's been so long since significant zombie action we might've forgotten he learned how a gun works in the opening of the movie. And when Big Daddy shoots, something in the background blows up pointlessly. I guess Romero lost a bet with Michael Bay and had to add that.

 Whatever, let's forget about everything wrong with this whole sequence and just enjoy some nice zombie-eating-victory-gore! The true staple of any zombie movie. NOPE! The gore fest was just getting underway when Big Daddy calls his horde together and begins marching off. They were eating and doing zombie related activities, but not anymore! Now they're organized and shit and clearly NOT ZOMBIES ANYMORE. Now they're retarded cannibals. And I will refer to them as such.

 We cut back to Kaufman as he talks to Cholo over radio, Cholo is threatening to blow up the rich people section of FG unless Kaufman pays him (and not in TP). Kaufman won't pay because "We don't negotiate with terrorists." His plan instead is to send Riley after him. Riley's asking price? A car so he can get to fucking Canada. Oh, and he wants the retard and the whore to go with him. "Terrorists are gonna kill us all! Let's send one man after them!" This is a bad Die Hard plot.

 Now Cholo rolls with two main guys. Movie logic says they both need to go away one way or the other before Cholo bites it himself. Main guy #1, the skateboarder, is dropped off alone to wait for Cholo's ransom money. I'm not even gonna dwell on this: the fucker dies later on because of more ninja zombies. Moving on.

 Cut to Riley, the retard and the whore preparing to go hunt Cholo. The whore is shirtless, because why not, and the reatrd is apparently figuring out for the first time that the whore is a woman. Then Riley explains that he's only doing this for THE POOR people, not THE RICH.

 Then a soldier offers the retard an automatic weapon, which is turned down for retard reasons. Then the soldier makes fun of him for being a retard. Why, you ask? Because it gives Riley and the whore a reason to stand up for the retard and look like nice people and not just insufferable douches.

 Why do we need reasons to like these people? Night of the Living Dead featured Ben who ran about, hitting Barbara and screaming at all the white people, but when shit went down we were all rooting for him. Dawn of the Deads quartet of survivors were essentially criminals (as described by Peter) but we didn't need reminders to like them either. So why do we need to like Riley so much? Because this is what happens when you take zombies out of a zombie movie.

 This plot point has nothing to do with zombies. Kaufman and Riley don't even broach the idea of zombies when discussing Cholo. The big threat here is that Cholo has Dead Reckoning and aims to blow up FG. Zombies have nothing to do with the central crisis here. Take zombies out and there is no central, unifying reason to root on the humans because they're pitted against fellow humans, so Romero needs to remind us which humans we need to root for. What makes some zombie movies so damn good is that you can't just replace the zombie threat. In this movie, you could replace the zombies with something else and the main plot remains entirely unaffected.

 Kaufman, despite himself, isn't entirely fucking stupid. Riley wants to leave forever but is your only hope to getting Cholo. On top of that, he only insists on going with a retard and a whore flanking him. Yeah, not very good odds. So enter three more characters who get brief introductions. If anything, they're insurance that Riley will actually attempt to get to Cholo and not just drive away forever first chance he gets. Also to kill Riley because, fuck logic, Kaufman is bad because he is RICH.

 We have some Mexican jerk who apparently has an unfulfilled bull fighting dream, some Michelle Rodriguez wannabe, and a fat guy. Unfortunately for the Michelle Rodriguez wannabe, the tough girl spot has already been claimed by the whore, so you know she's gonna die. The other two are wild cards, at least one of which is probably only around to serve the role of red shirt.

 We skip ahead where Riley is once again talking about how the dead are working together and Kaufman utters the Z word. Moving on the retard licks his rifle again and kills a ninja zombie because Romero believed that two retarded concepts might cancel each other out (they don't)

 Why are four people guarding a car while only two go hunting for ammo? Anyone? Is it so the fat guy and not-Michelle Rodriguez can have their cute little exchange while the whore and retard shoot behind each other? Cuz that's dumb as fuck.

 Then a ninja zombie bites the bull fighter, with an implausible zombie skill to boot. Then the whore later shoots him because he's infected. Now if I was a betting man, I would've said he wouldn't be the first to die in this group. I'd also say he would've lasted more than five minutes.

 I refer you to the Resident Evil movie. Remember the three nameless goons from Umbrella's special forces team that died in the laser beam hallway? Of course you don't. They barely had one line each in that movie. Their only purpose was cannon fodder; to die pointlessly in place of more important characters so they could in turn die in more memorable fashion.

 Bull Fighter was given characterization. He had that stupid thing on his shoulder. Fat man and not-Michelle Rodriguez each quipped about where they were from but none of that was really personal. Bull Fighter had a more appropriate introduction and a little bit of insight to his character...then offed five minutes later. If either of the other two were bitten by that ninja zombie, then no one would notice. But it was the bull fighter, which makes me wonder why bother even giving him any distinguishment from the other dead people in this movie?

 Cut to where Riley lets everyone in on his own little plan, validating Kaufman's reason to send the mooks in the first place: Riley will reacquire Dead Reckoning and drive off into the sunset with it. The two remaining mooks agree to Riley's new plan, but we all know not-Michelle Rodriguez really isn't game. Fat man, maybe, but the girl isn't.

 Now we're at the river that borders FG. The idea here that the river alone is enough to stop waves of the dead from invading. We'll see if that's as retarded as it sounds. The notion that barricading the river, in any way, was never needed is just more proof that FG should never have even existed in the first place.

 Now we have Kaufman packing up all the worthless money that should have no fucking value...

 Oh, lesbians...was I just complaining about something?...Aaaaaand ninja zombies break up the lesbians. Alright, that's it. What the fuck is up with all the ninja zombies? Night and Day? No ninja zombie attacks (or at least nothing notable) Dawn featured very little, and none of those were very impactful. This movie is overflowing with ninja zombie attacks. Is this part of them "evolving" or some shit? Cuz unless they evolved some feather feet, ninja powers should not happen.

 Then Riley talks his way into Dead Reckoning cuz he had a transmitter that allowed him to follow. Cholo tells everyone to lock on, which they do with the apparent help of satellite assistance. Not saying much, but that seems a bit technical when we're in the same universe where the zombie apocalypse began around the 1970's.

 Now we cut back to the zombies attacking FG and Big Daddy teaching his fellow zombies how to use guns. At this point, what new gripes can I bring up? Remember, they're retarded cannibals now.

 Not-Michelle Rodriguez tries to kill Cholo, but nice guy Riley kicks him out of Dead Reckoning to save his life though Cholo still gets shot, then a zombie gets the drop on not-Michelle Rodriguez and bites her face off. The whore then mercy kills her because there's only room for one tough girl in this film. And the retard, somehow, gets the guns away from Cholos people.

 Now all of this was unnecessary because Riley had a way to remotely disable Dead Reckonings missiles. Why the hell didn't he do that from the outside? Whatever, I should know at this point logic left long ago.

 Cut to Kaufman getting caught by one of his fellow RICH person stealing all that useless money. He then kills him over it because he is RICH and evil...or something. Anyway, he gets a call from Riley that everything is a-ok...then something in the city blows up. The retarded cannibals apparently figured out how to use explosives...or Michael Bay won another bet.

 Either way, Riley decided they need to go back to FG with Dead Reckoning. Cholo decides there are better ways for him to die in this movie and he and his remaining boy choose to not go with them.

February 17, 2013

BGI v3 [Part 1]

[...Posted by Ted H]

The original version of this started at the beginning of the school day and had people getting murdered on their way in to school as opposed to getting murdered on their way out. It was also the first ever use of the Default Will Rule. I might post the exact writing of it one day if I bear myself to re-read that gibberish.

Version 2 featured a similar start as version 3 with a few differences, notably Kristen's fate. Now she serves as a proper introduction to the undead threat. V2 zombie intro was more along the lines of "oh, by the way: zombies" as if it were some casual everyday thing.

[BGI v3 - Part 1]
           "Report," the radio said after several nerve racking minutes of waiting. D immediately brought it up to speak. "Biohazard breach," he said "Level three. Containment efforts failed. Several specimens made surface contact, most remaining are in the school." The radio stayed silent for a moment, every second passing felt more and more agonizing to D. "And the labs?" the radio finally sounded. "Compromised," D said, knowing full well the hell that would raise. "One moment," the voice said.

            D sat back in his chair while he waited, fighting back the urge to start shaking. He was safe in his office, which doubled as a temporary bunker; a feature he hoped he never would need. He was lucky he happened to already be inside the office when the specimen escaped. The Mosier units move fast, especially the big one. All of them made for the exits and attacked the buses outside. D was grateful that they wouldn't survive; sunlight burns the fuckers to a crisp. The big one though, the original Mosier, that one wouldn't burn up. That one had enough intelligence to know it needs to take refuge. It'll be back inside the school before long.

            "What do you mean the lab was compromised?" a harsh voice yelled from the radio, bringing D back to the matter at hand. "The escaped Mosiers apparently made a mess of the lab on their way out," D said. He was about to continue when the voice stopped him. "You think it was just those little Mosiers that did all that? I'm looking at a report that every specimen was out." D's heart sank. Mosiers on their own were bad, but they were only small fries compared to some of the other experiments that were down in the labs.

            "I'm calling a clean slate on the entire Grimes facility," the man continued "Get the data and blow the labs." D bit his lip. His original plan was to hide out in his bunker until some sort of help arrived. Even if that wasn't the case anymore, the labs were a problem. "The labs had been locked down, sir. Unauthorized, and I can't override from my office. I'll need you to unlock the main office by remote."

            "Not possible," the voice said "Lockdown severs all connections from the outside. Use the emergency entrance."

            "I don't have any of the keys," D said, frustration building inside him "Send a mop-up team in to open the door."

            "Area's too hot for any team by air. We can send a ground team, but you'll need to disengage the lockdown in order for them to make it to you. And you need to get into the lab to do that anyway."

            "Understood," D said as he begrudgingly opened his desk and reached for the handgun tucked away inside. The Mosier units, he felt he could handle as long as me managed to avoid the big one. There were the other escapees though that D had no desire to run into. The JT would be lurking in some dark corner by now and God forbid he come within a hundred feet of the Friar. He knew there was no way anyone could be equipped enough to deal with half of the creatures that made their way up from the lab.

            The one bright spot D could figure was that they were all one of a kind monsters. Mosier was an early success and had been the focus of multiple production. Thankfully the project to make more Roofwalkers had only recently started, meaning there were only three or four running around of that kind. The Harper, he just now recalled, had the tendency to lay eggs; but the offspring had a lifespan of a couple hours and they never strayed far from the mother, making them easy to avoid as a whole.

             "One more thing," the man said, snapping D out of his own grim thoughts "We have every reason to believe that this wasn't an accident. Diagnostics at last check confirmed all containment units were at optimal condition. We called for a clean slate and that includes the staff."


            Ted wasn't dead. His arm was killing him and he tasted blood, but he was alive nonetheless. Whether or not that was a good thing remained to be seen as he sat up and listened. Things were quiet, a radical departure from what he remembered. Gone were the screams, the growls and the sounds of beating wings. All he could hear at this point was a distant rumble of thunder.

            The girl from before was still with him, but she was still out cold and Ted felt no desire to wake her. "Wait here," he mumbled as he crawled over to the emergency roof exit which was easy to get to with the bus on its side. He popped the latch, kicked open an exit and crawled to the outside world. The scene was not a pretty one; bodies laid strewn about, every vehicle in the parking lot was trashed to some degree, and piles of smoldering black puss were everywhere. It had been raining, which made the potent chemical smell the puss was releasing all the worse.

            "How long was I out?" Ted asked himself as he checked his arm. The pain was still there, but there were no noticeable cuts or abrasions. He wiped his brow to find he had a cut on his forehead, which had trickled down the side of his face. "Hello?" he yelled as he used his sleeve to clean off the blood. "Anybody left alive?"

            No one was around. Ted wondered if help was coming when he noticed a cop car crashed into the far corner of the school. Help had come and died with everyone else. More help would come, but Ted didn't want to wait for it at ground zero. He also didn't want to leave the girl behind, but he figured she was safer in the bus rather than out in the open.

            There was a gas station nearby. They would have a phone, and with a little luck they would be one of those old school setups with a shotgun under the counter in case any more  creatures attacked. He made for the edge of school grounds when he began to take notice of the metal fence hidden by the trees that enclosed the entire school.

            "Oh shit," Ted said as he walked closer. It reached about 20 feet in the air and was topped off with barbed wire. "Where...the hell...did this come from?" he asked as he ran along the fence towards the rear entrance to the parking lot. He figured there was a gate of some sort or at least a way out. The road to the exit took a curve, and when Ted turned it, he found there was a gate at the end, but it was sealed shut. The was no latch of any kind to find, nor was there any way to open the gate. The only noticeable item on the gate was a warning sign Ted neglected to even look at while still trying to figure a way out.

            -Ok. 20 feet. Can't be that hard to climb. Maybe if I'm careful, the barbed wire won't be a problem either-

            Ted nodded to himself as he figured he could handle climbing the fence when he reached over to touch it-then screamed out as the fence sparked and he jumped back involuntarily, the fence sending shockwaves through him. The fence was electrified, which Ted would've noticed if he read the warning sign. He knew it anyway now as he sat on the ground and tried to stop shaking, thankful that it wasn't anything more than just his fingers that touched the fence.


            Kristen blinked away the darkness. Her head was killing her, but she wasn't about to complain seeing how she managed to survive the bus crash. She was still trying to process what had happened earlier and still she could barely believe it. She strained to listen but didn't hear any more screeching or screaming outside. It was quiet.

            Slowly, she managed to climb out the opening to the bus. The man from before was gone, but she didn't blame him; if she had woken up first, she would've left him behind without a second thought. "Anybody?" she called out but none of the bodies responded. She didn't know what to do. She wanted to run and find help, but she didn't want to be caught by any of those winged creatures. She could hide in the bus, but there was no telling how long it would take for help to arrive or if it would find her before something else did.

            The sound of shuffling steps caught Kristen's attention. "Thank God," she said as she immediately reeled at the person. They had only one arm and their shirt was soaked in blood. Upon seeing her, the person reached their lone arm out at Kristen and stumbled forward. Something was off about their eyes as it let out a soft moan.

            Kristen didn't know what to do. She didn't have any medical knowledge but something told her someone shouldn't be walking around with those kind of injuries. "I'm going to get help," she called over "Wait right there, I'll be back." The person took no notice of what she said, but moaned louder when she started to run away. The lone moan was joined by another and Kristen noticed another student making their way to her. This one had both legs broken but dragged itself to her anyway.

            "Wait...This shouldn't..." Kristen started but her voice caught when she saw someone who was very much dead open its eyes and moan at her. The eyes were the same as all the others, pale and cold, no sign of life in the slightest. More people who were dead just moments ago began to stir and Kristen instinctively retreated back into the bus. She replaced the emergency hatch as best she could but it wouldn't stay shut, so she crawled towards the front of the bus. The bodies in the back were still motionless, but Kristen didn't exactly trust them to stay that way.

            "Help" she fruitlessly screamed out as the undead started crawling in after her. There was no way out for her as she backed up to the windshield only to feel hands grasping her from the hole in the driver's side. More and more crawled in as more hands reached in and held her. She wished she'd never tried leaving as the first zombies reached her and grabbed at her kicking feet. She began to sob hopelessly as more began pulling at her arms and she felt the first bites. She screamed through tears as more now climbed on top of her to bite and rip into her stomach and chest. She kept screaming as more hungry hands reached out to her mouth and face and began devouring her until she screamed no more.

            Ted knew what he heard. Someone had screamed. It was far away and muffled, but with the unusual quiet all around, it might as well have been right next to him. Ted felt a knot in his stomach since it was probably the girl he left behind.

-She's dead. Those things came back and she's dead now and it's all your fault. And now they'll come for you-

            That last thought got Ted moving as he picked himself off the ground. He needed to figure out some sort of plan but stopped at the sight of an approaching figure. They were dragging their left foot as they walked and had their head down low, but Ted could still tell it was Aaron. "Where did you go?" Ted said aloud as Aaron picked up the pace in his approach.

            Something was wrong and it stopped Ted from running up to Aaron. The girl screaming had Ted up and ready to act in a heartbeat, but it seemed Aaron was ignoring it to get to Ted. Aaron was always a bit of a heartless asshole, but this was a bit much. It also didn't seem like Aaron was running away from anything, but he sure seemed to be in hurry to get to Ted when he saw him.

            Something was wrong with his eyes. Instead of pupils, Aaron had two empty pools of white staring out as he moaned and reached out for Ted, who backed up slowly until he realized there was an electric fence behind him. "Aaron, stop," he said as Aaron continued unhindered. "I don't know what happened to you, but stay back," he said as he looked over Aaron, who was covered in blood.

            Ted ducked under and shouldered passed Aaron, who continued forward a bit and his outstretched hand got caught in the fence, which practically blew it off at the wrist. Aaron took no heed to it as he slowly turned around to find Ted again. Ted meanwhile was taken aback at the lacerations in Aaron's back. Something sharp had dug into his back three times very deep. There was no way anyone could survive those types of injuries, let alone walk around after the fact.

            "Aaron, please," he said "Stay back." Aaron let out a desperate moan as he lunged at Ted again. This time Ted met him with a solid kick to the chest, pushing him right back into the gate, this time catching more of him on the fence. Aaron convulsed wildly on the fence but couldn't escape as it cooked him over to the point his head ruptured.

            Ted understood what he just did, but wasn't sure if anyone, even himself, would appreciate the circumstances. Something was wrong with Aaron and he acted on instinct rather than logic.

            -He was hurt, and I killed him. He needed help and instead I tossed him into-NO. He was dead. I didn't notice him before because he was just another corpse in a pile. But if that's the case, how the hell did he manage to still get up?-

            Ted didn't have long to ponder that. He turned away from Aaron to see several more people who were dead not five minutes ago pick themselves up and shamble their way towards him.

February 10, 2013

Why LAND OF THE DEAD sucked pt.2

[...Posted by Ted H]

Hey, remember this? Yeah, I re-stole this movie from my brother so I can continue my bitchfest about it.

Part 1

BGI to come next week.


*I will spoil the shit out of this movie in this review. You have been warned*

Part 2: NOT Safe Haven
            Aight, I'll come clean; Fiddler's Green served as the base inspiration to Safe Haven...but I made Safe Haven less impossibly run a whole lot less stupid. Essentially: what if I took Fiddler's Green and took out everything wrong with it as a story?

First line of defense in this dump, according to the movie, is a chain link fence. It's been X years since the zombie apocalypse began and you sure as hell didn't set up this place yesterday, so why isn't there more than just what I see there? It's electrified? Ok, so? That saps a shit ton of power. Where are the generators? Hydro-electric set up? Anything? This shit is important, and it explains how this fence, let alone the whole city, is powered. Hell, even if you explain that, it won't stop an entire horde from bringing it all down when they all bum rush the fence.

 The big selling point to Fiddler's Green (fuck it, I'm calling it FG from now on) is that it's bordered on multiple sides by a river. Ok, that's fine. Maybe the hydro-electric theory I asked is inferred by the fact that they're surrounded by river. Maybe, but you're not off the hook cuz I'll find something else about this city to bitch about. How bout the idea that FG offers luxurious living for those who can afford it...

 WHAT? Luxury? In the zombie apocalypse, the best luxury you can hope for is not being eaten. This movie is trying to sell the idea that not only did the "1%" survive, but that they continued being the 1% after the fact. You can go shopping? With what money? There is no economy. Money is worthless. But even if there morons still honored the dollar, where is the money coming from? Let's say that all the rich people somehow found a way to bring all their money with them to FG. Now what? Spend it, of course. Now what? It's not like you're actually earning any money anymore.

 How do you make [money] in the apocalypse? You scavenge the wasteland for valuable stuff like ammo, medical supplies and toilet paper. Food? No, but I'll get to why in a minute. To get all the valuable stuff, you need to go out into zombie land and hope you live...and I bet those rich people ain't doing the leg work there. You think they'll pay people to do it for them? Fuck that. Why would I risk my ass in the wasteland and bring you back supplies, just so you can pay me money so I can buy the stuff I just risked my ass to scavenge?

 I guess you can say "Hey, I'm possession of this [impenetrable] fortress and would love to let you in if you were willing to periodically go out and gather supplies." That would work, if only for a while until everyone wondered why the guy in charge isn't doing his fair share to survive and just overthrow his ass...but it's a good starting concept.

 How about food and medicine? Not. Possible. First of all, in the intro, the people were raiding a supermarket. You know what happens about six months after any food market is abandoned with food still inside? How about a year. Two years? Three? This movie takes place several years after the zeds took over. Either that supermarket is completely raided long ago, or those people need biohazard suits just to walk inside. The decay should be so bad that the toxicity would be a much bigger threat than zombies. They mention "mostly canned goods" meaning that, as implausible as it is, that particular supermarket hasn't been raided yet. Canned goods are the only thing worth raiding when the apocalypse strikes, so if they're still there, then so would all the rotting meat and fish, which would kill everyone.

 Speaking of expired, how about that medicine? After expiring, that shit starts to break down and eventually becomes toxic as well. If FG wanted to sustain itself indefinably, then at this point they would be more concerned with growing and processing their own food and setting up their own medicine, cuz that shit is finite on the best of days.

 ...Back to the impossible economics of FG. I know it's always fun to throw in some sort of social commentary in these zombie movies, but Romero wasn't even subtle here. THE RICH and THE POOR! Back in the movie: Cholo and Riley get into an argument over the one guy who died before. Cholos justification is something irrelevant but he mentions how he's gonna live with the rich people now, to which Riley responds "They won't let you in there...we're the wrong kind." To the kids playing at home, that translates to: They won't let poor people in there even though money is meaningless and the only currency is TP.

 ...Actually, Cholo got bitched at for going after non-essential supplies. You see, while Riley and company were going after expired medicines and rancid meat, Cholo chose to go after unopened liquor...you know, stuff that isn't rancid. Not practical, but he's still smarter than everyone else who thought 10 year old Pringles were a good idea.

 So, as the movie moves on, it shows Cholo and Riley in contrast as they travel; Cholo walking through the rich people mall where everyone is rich and happy doing rich people things with the money that's on par with monopoly money and rocks...and Riley as he walks through the deserted and dead city streets on his way to the poor people sector where everyone dresses like hobos.

 This movie needs a plot...and since a good one isn't ready, we'll take two mediocre plot points instead. Cholo wants to be a rich person, and Riley wants to leave FG forever. And since I previously stated that any drama from this movie will come from the humans, then one or both of those plot points are gonna go wrong and cause our drama.

 So Cholo is delivering the "essential" supplies to the big guy in charge. Opening his door isn't the guy but his servant, a fat black man. This movie can't be made by the same director who made the movie in 1968 where the bad ass hero was the black dude helping keep all the white people alive...now we have this movie where the first [living] black person we see is a man servant.

 Anyway, the racial stereotype tells Cholo that there is a situation in the other apartment. Instead of waiting for security, Cholo decides to kick the door down because we need to think he's a bad ass and not just an asshole. He walks in to find that a man had hung himself off of an overhead light. The man's son runs in to cut him down, but by the power of movie magic, the overhead light breaks and they both fall down and the freshly zombified man eats the son. Cholo then kills the zombie, after it abandons its easy mean in favor of his quietly sobbing wife, because we needed unnecessary drama. Then security shows up and Cholo, like a "badass" says "It's your problem. Clean it up."

 Can someone explain to me what went down? How did this guy get infected? And don't say anything cuz Cholo immediately armed himself when he realized the guy was dead. Did anyone explain how this would even be possible in FG? Or did Romero change the rules to his zombie universe and now anyone who dies comes back as a zombie, because you need to establish these things! And if anyone who dies comes back regardless, then you need to have better protocols for suicidal idiots, sick and old people or else everyone dies! Haven't heard from grandpa in a couple days and he was sick? Well now we might have an unaccounted for zombie roaming around killing people. Good job. Sloppy, just sloppy.

 ...And was the son even suppose to be dead? Cuz he was breathing in that last scene. What the fuck?

 Cut to Riley looking for a car. By the way, he bought a car and was planning to drive it away to live in Canada...because...Canada. The car is gone now and the only person there he can yell at is another hobo.

 Cut to fan(boy) service of the Shaun of the Dead people as zombies at a "Take your picture with a zombie" booth...and yes, that's exactly what the booth says. The rule that says "Don't say the Z word" apparently doesn't apply despite the fact that they've been referred to as "walkers" to this point. Another booth involves shooting a zombie with a paintball gun. What the fuck is this shit? Remember how Day of the Dead involved bringing live zombies in to study and research and how NOBODY liked it but it needed to be done?

 We have officially gone from this:
"Hey, let's bring in live zombies to where we live and sleep. I know it's a bad idea but we have a chance to figure a way to come out on top in the zombie apocalypse. It's necessary for the survival of humanity."

 to this:
"Hey, let's bring in live zombies to where we live and sleep. I know it's a bad idea but huh huh huh pictures and paintball! We can make some money doing this even though money is useless."

 ...also dancing strippers. That's one of the few high points here.

 Also there's one more zombie game. This one they throw in a whore in a caged area with two zombies and take bets as to which one kills her. And no one objects to this. Remember, we're in the poor part of FG and we need to sympathize and identify with these poor schmucks...and they are actively cheering on zombies as they try to kill an unarmed woman.

 Cut to Riley threatening a midget in a cowboy hat. Man, remember when Romero zombie movies had some respect? Remember when the most outlandish character in these movies was "that one helicopter pilot who carries a machete and probably sold weed before everything fell to shit"? Well now we have a midget ordering his goons to fuck Riley up while zombies get cheered on as they try to kill a whore. And yes, she is a whore because Riley eventually says to her "I've seen you working the streets." before she says something about him checking her out.

 Riley then realizes what's going on and kills the two zombies and everyone freaks out because "Someone in the zombie apocalypse has a gun! And he shot zombies as they tried to kill someone! Everybody run!!!!!!" Then the retard shoots the midget after licking his gun. I can't believe I even wrote that last sentence.

 Then security shows up and arrests Riley, the whore and the retard. Killing zombies is apparently a crime in FG. With ass backwards priorities like these, I can see why Riley wants to escape.

 Now we're in jail where the whore, our female lead, is recanting us a tale of how the man in charge of FG is so evil and how she could have been something more than a whore if not for him and blah blah blah...I wanted to scream "Shut the fuck up!", but Riley beat me to it. Wow, I might actually like this guy...might. Maybe if he didn't insist on hanging out with a retard and a whore for the rest of the movie.

 At this point, Romero remembers he's making a zombie movie and decides to show us Big Daddy and company. They marched non-stop until they ran into one of the oldest zombie deterrents: a wooden barricade. Then Big Daddy realizes one of his followers has a cleaver and he tells that zombie to chop through the wood. He apparently uses zombie-language to tell him, because fuck any science that says the brain decaying will slowly kill the zombie, why not have them evolve to the point where they're almost human. In Day of the Dead, it took Logan for-fucking-ever to make Bub the way he was in 1985. Why not wait 20 years for undead evolution? PASS!

 Now we couldn't conclude this part without at least introducing the big bad villain of the movie: Kaufman. Cholo finally meets with him and tells him he wants to move in with the rich people. Kaufman say, essentially: "Ha ha, no." Cholo gets pissed, and Kaufman calls in one of his security guards, and at this point I realize just how much like Nazis these security guys look. Yeah, real subtle, George.

 Cholo later beats up the Nazi, takes his gun and decides to take action. Maybe the zombies will show upto the zombie movie later on...

February 3, 2013

Adventures in the Wasteland - Anchorage Dog Memorial

[...Posted by Ted H]

...In attempts to keep this from becoming the zombie-only blog, I feel the need to change things up, if only for one week.

While any attempt to do a long form write up of a play-through of a game like I did with Oblivion last year is probably not gonna work out, little snippets are always fun. Fallout games are so slow to start that I would bore myself to death before the game proper ever got off the ground.

Anyway, enjoy. Zombies are back next week.


[Adventures in the Wasteland - Anchorage Dog Memorial]

            So there I was, waltzing my way through the capital wasteland, minding my own business. I came upon the Anchorage War Memorial and usually the game spawns a nice little encounter there. Sometimes it's raiders in the middle of an initiation, sometimes it's some random wastelander getting attacked. This time I came across a scavenger who didn't have anything of particular interest to trade. He had a brahmin and a dog in tow. Shortly after our exchange we were under attack by a couple mirelurkers.
        Anyone familiar with Fallout 3 will know that the Anchorage Memorial is a nesting ground for mirelurkers. Spend too much time fucking around and you'll end up dealing with one. At the time I was particularly low leveled and mirelurkers are not for pussies. My usual MO for these types are to drop a few frag mines as a trap and lure one over, softening them up (if not killing outright) for a few close range shots with a hunting rifle right into their weak point.
           Like I said, that's my usual MO for higher leveled enemies. Until I get my dart gun, it's all run and gun. Unfortunately, these two mirelurkers got the drop on myself and the scavenger. The two of us and his dog had to make due with no planning. It was close combat, meaning my nuclear option, the fat man, was suicidal (besides, those mini nukes aint cheap Holmes). A combination of pot shots and VATS got the job done though, but not before one of the mirelurkers got the better of the scavenger.
            Not wanting any good loot go to waste, I took everything on the scavenger (he probably would've wanted me to have it anyway) then I looted his brahmin. The dog was nowhere to be found, but I had no interest in it anyway. I then moved on in my adventure, never bothering to look back.

            Several levels later I found myself back at the memorial on a quest. Moira Brown wanted me to install some surveillance device in the mirelurker nest. After accomplishing my goal and sprinting out the door with a few mirelurkers after me because my Stealth Boy is a piece of shit and couldn't even keep me cloaked for five god damn minutes, I set myself up on top of the memorial and waited until the game said I was no longer under [caution] so I could fast travel to Moira for my reward (and the bonus for not killing any mirelurkers).
            Confident that I completed my "stealth" mission, I prepared to leave when I heard the sound of panting right next to me. I looked over and staring my in the face was a dog. Not just any dog, mind you. It was the scavengers dog, waiting patiently for its master to come pick it up. I was immediately reminded of Dogmeat, the dog companion in the game that you meet under similar circumstances; his old master was killed and you find it standing by the corpse with no other purpose.
            Unlike Dogmeat though, I couldn't recruit some random scavengers dog. It was loyal to one person, and that person was dead (and probably had his body dragged away and eaten by a mirelurker or super mutant or something). The dog was prepared to wait forever at the last point it could track its master to, never flinching, never caring for anything other than the return of its master.
            It was almost heartbreaking if not for the handfuls of creatures I brutally murdered up until this point. At this point though, I wondered if I should just leave it here. Mirelurkers would always be around, and there was no way I was going to stand guard with it forever. I should really just put it out of its misery. Its master was gone forever and I was the only one who knew. Could I in good conscious leave this poor dog to its eternal wait?
            I had a combat shotgun. It would be a quick and clean shot to the back of the head. It wouldn't feel a thing, and then hopefully be with its master. I leveled with its head and prepared to pull the trigger. Was I really about to do this? I had ruthlessly murdered a small army at this point, but every last one of those murders were self defense. I pointlessly smacked mole rats with a poisonous stuck but only if they come after me. I aggro super mutants at the Brotherhood of Steel in hopes that one of the Brotherhood dies and I can loot, but even if the Brotherhood guy has only 1 HP left, I still won't murder him. I am not a nice person, so it's not  like the karma hit would faze me.
            I couldn't kill this poor beast. Perhaps it would find some better future down the road. Maybe like Dogmeat, some random scavenger would happen across it and adopt. Maybe it would wander off and join up with other strays and ruin some wastelanders day. Maybe. But a maybe future would be better than a definite death at the hands of myself, who has too much blood on my hands already. I bid the dog goodbye, and made my way back to Megaton to receive payment from an aspiring survival guide author with a few screws loose.

            You'd be surprised how often I find myself nearby the Anchorage Memorial. Despite my attempts to branch out my scavenging and continue the plot to the ends of the map, I always seem to be crossing a certain body of water that led to a certain war memorial. On one particular trip, I decided to visit the top and see if the dog was indeed still on his vigil. I noticed no green dot on my radar and immediately thought the dog had moved on, either to become a rabid stray or with a new owner. Then I noticed the red dot approaching.
            At this point I was capably armed enough to handle a single mirelurker with ease, from a distance no less despite my melee build. As I went over to claim that sweet, sweet mirelurker meat, I noticed something queer nearby. A headless dog. Oh shit. It then dawned on me that mirelurkers don't usually hang out on the top of the memorial, unless they're attacking something. I just killed the mirelurker that just got done killing the scavengers dog.
            A sad ending to an unfortunate tale, lost in the endless collections of tragedies in the Capital Wasteland. But maybe it's not quite as tragic as it seems. Maybe the dog knew just what went down that fateful day where I crossed paths with its owner for the first and last time. Maybe it understood what had happened to its master and who was responsible. Maybe it knew its future was bleak and pointless now. I like to think that at that point the dog decided to stand vigil at the Anchorage Memorial, not to wait for the impossible return of its dead master, but to wait for the inevitable return of the mirelurkers. If it was going to die, then it would die fighting. A final defiant volly against an unending army of amphibious mooks. It would die fighting, just like its loving master.

            That's what I like to think happened that day. And while there are only so many mirelurkers I can kill, and only so much I can do to honor the nameless scavengers dog, I know this; the endgame plot now has added weight. The water purifier, untainted will fill the Capital Wasteland with non-irradiated water. Mirelurkers can't survive in that kind of environment.
            Those fuckers are going down.