April 28, 2013

Allen Bee Cautious

[Posted by Ted H]

In a continuing effort to keep this blog from being 100% zombies/unholy creatures/apocalypse shit, I'm gonna put something up that is more, non-R rated.
...Instead we have another entry into the "Why Ted shouldn't be allowed to write children's books" series.
The zombies at the end are purely aesthetic to the conclusion and add nothing to the main story, so I can still get away with that...

This was done back in the day, part of a creative writing exercise. If you fail to see what the challenge was for this 26 sentence piece, then kindly exit this blog and go back to third grade.

Something a little more...substantial to come next week...maybe even a poem...


Allen never cared much for the bees flying about. Bees usually just left him alone, and he did the same. Carelessly they would ignore each others existence until Allen’s friend, Danny came by. Danny, unlike Allen, despised the bees. Every time he saw one, he talked about how he would one day get rid of them. Finally one day, he told Allen he had devised a plan to rid himself of the bees. Gleefully he showed Allen a special rock he had found. He hurled the rock as hard as he could at a nearby hive. Instantly, the hive erupted with hundreds of angry bees. Just as Allen realized what was going on, the bees had overtaken him. Kicking and screaming, he tried to run away. Looking about, he soon saw Danny running to a nearby lake. Moving as fast as he could, Allen ran to the lake as well. Not a moment too soon, they jumped into the water. Once they were safe from the bees, Allen started scolding Danny for his foolish deed. Playing innocent, Danny said that his rock had nothing to do with the attack and that the bees were just naturally mean. Questioning his friend, Allen went to leave. Right as he got out, the bees started attacking again, sending Allen back into the water. Soon it was night and neither boy could leave the lake without fear of a bee attack. The boys soon grew cold from being in the water so late at night. Under the late night moon, the boys decided to make a run for it. Very quickly they jumped out of the lake and ran. While running, Danny saw the lights of his house. “X marks the spot!” he cried while pointing home. Yelling is what his mother did when she saw them finally come in after being out so late. Zombies were waiting for them there, which really made no sense at all.
SPECIAL UBER BONUS SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[All-the-way to Zealots]
Although Being Careless
Does Earn Fools Greatly Hated Incidents
Just Keep Laughing.
Make No Obvious Pursuits
Qualifying Ridiculous Stops
To Unusually Vibrant, Wacky, Xenophobic
Yacking Zealots.

April 21, 2013

BGI v3 [Part 2-1]

[Posted by Ted H]

Holy fucking shit, remember this story? Still not happy with it, but I gotta plow through like I said and fix it later when I can make myself care...plus, I hit a logical stopping point in MDZ so I figure I'd finally move BGI along.

I've alos had little writing time between finally recovering from the 234243 viruses I had and working...next week should provide me with some writing time, assuming no one calls in and I end up covering which, ya know, always happens)

Anyway, the 2nd part of part 2 will come sooner rather than later. It's mostly original, so I should be able to fly through it.


BGI v3 [Part 2-1]

            Amanda and Teto waited impatiently in a bush while another one of their undead classmates shuffled blindly by. They were among the last to run out of the school while those little winged beats terrorized. Their hope to escape, however, was dashed when they realized the entire front of the school was enclosed by a 20 foot fence.
            With no escape prospects, they took refuge in an overturned car while the winged creatures all burned to death in the sunlight. Afterwards, they attempted to return to the school but found all the front entry doors locked. At that point, all the slain students started returning to life and devoured any remaining survivors. Teto and Amanda managed to stay out of sight by hiding in the nearby bushes. They moved along the front of the school in the bushes but they ran out of landscaping at the corner.

            "Any ideas?" Amanda asked as Teto peered around the corner and looked at the fence all the way to the back of the school. "There's no entry gate up front," he said as he turned back to Amanda "But maybe there's one in back. And if not, maybe one of the doors in back will be unlocked." Amanda didn't like it, but she didn't have anything better either. "Lead the way," she said as Teto nodded and took off.

            Amanda followed close as Teto crept his way towards the rear of the school, keeping close to the wall."Why isn't help coming?" Amanda asked as she looked out towards the street, looking to see no cars. "I dunno," Teto responded "But my cell phone isn't giving me anything." Amanda instinctively checked her phone to find it had no service either. She dialed 9-1-1 anyway, but to no avail.

            "Is that a..." Teto started as they approached the rear of the school. Crashed into the back corner was a police car with  its lights still flashing. "Wait here," he said as he snuck over to the car and tried to open the driver side door. Amanda looked back to find a couple students had noticed them and were slowly making their way after. "Teto, we have to-" Amanda started, but was cut off by Tetos yelling. A cop that was dead by the crashed car reached out and had grabbed Teto by the ankle. Teto fell over and tried to kick it away before it got a bite off.

            "Get it off!" he yelled as Amanda grabbed the cop by the belt and pulled. She then wrestled its gun from its holster and shot it point blank in the head. She then searched the cop for more ammo while Teto crawled to his feet. "Get his radio and let's go," he said as he noticed the approaching undead students. Amanda removed the entire belt and started after Teto as he made for the rear exit to the school.

            "Where are we going now?" Amanda called out as she followed but Teto himself wasn't very sure. He still had blind hope that the rear entrance of the school grounds was open, but that was quickly gone when he turned the corner and saw it too was closed off. "Dammit!" he yelled as he spun around to head back for the school, but turned back again. Down by near the gate were several shuffling students as they closed in around one who was clearly still alive.

            Before Teto could react, a shot ran out behind him that caught the attention of some of the undead. Teto looked to see Amanda pointing her gun overhead. "Move!" she yelled at the living person who shouldered passed one of the distracted students and ran over.

            "Back to the school!" Teto shouted, out of any escape ideas. "Maybe not," Amanda said as their way back was cut off by more approaching students. "This way," the man they just saved said as he ran up to the nearby short fence that bordered the nearby sports fields. He touched it quick with the tip of his finger but nothing happened. "Least these aren't electric," he said before he humped over the fence and the others followed. They could now sprint across the fields and make it back to the school mostly unhindered.

April 14, 2013

Million Dollar Zombie 3-2

[Posted by Ted H]

Spent most of last week sick. Went to work though, cuz I'm fucking stupid.


[Million Dollar Zombie 3-2]

            "We're gonna figure a way out of this," Ted said as he positioned himself in the window "When we do, we'll get you guys and get out. All six of us." Doc didn't say anything as Ted reached out and grabbed the pipe. His trip down wasn't as smooth as Marko's was, almost slipping off twice, but he made it down in one piece. "What now?" Jay asked as Ted and Marko shouldered him and started off.
           "There's a small alleyway next to where my apartment was," Ted said as they advanced. We get through that alley and have to spend maybe five seconds with our asses exposed." The area behind Doc's apartment was mostly parking lots for the various apartment buildings that surrounded it. "Why didn't anyone run?" Marko said as he eyed the various scattered cars about. "Can YOU hotwire?" Jay asked. "Just asking," Marko said.

            "No streetlights," Ted said in a low tone "No lights on in the apartment. Something happened here. Something besides the dead." Marko looked around, thinking it only got darker since Ted pointed out the lack of lighting. "Should someone go back and ask those guys?" he asked. "No," Ted said "Let's just get where we need to go before this storm buries us."

            The blizzard was still as thick as before as the three made their way up the small alley. Ted pulled out the guns and left the others as he crept his way street side on the sidewalk. There weren't as many walking corpses as opposed to the adjacent main street they were on before. With luck, Ted figured they could cover the short distance without being seen.

            Ted went back and helped Marko with Jay as they made for the apartment entrance. Three stone steps led up to blue double doors, one of which was ajar. Ted pushed it open further and the men filed through and shut the door without being seen. Ted slid a deadbolt closed and tried the light switch for the stairway. "Guess that settles it," Marko said as Ted flipped the switch on and off but it stayed dark "Power's out for the area."
            "We're fine now, right?" Jay asked.
            "Not by a long shot," Ted said as everyone followed his gaze up the stairs to see the single door at the top. Even in the dark they could tell it was open. "Maybe someone else who's alive?" Jay asked as Ted slowly made his way up the stairs. No one answered him as Marko helped Jay up after Ted.
            At the top, Ted crept near the wall until he felt around and found the closet door. He pushed it open and felt for the broomstick he left behind when he left. It was of decent weight and broken at the end. They couldn't afford any gunshots if there was something in the apartment. Ted and Marko both pulled out their cell phones. They couldn't get signals on them but they flipped them open and held them out as flashlights as they moved forward in the dark.

            "Hello?" Marko announced and the men stopped at the thumping they got in response. Ted readied his broomstick as he crept down the hallway towards the rear bedroom where the noise was heard. He used the stick to push the door open and immediately a figure reached out and grabbed at him. "Shit!" he screamed as he dropped his phone and blindly tried to push off the grunting attacker. Marko ran up and with one hand on his phone lighting up the struggle, grabbed the attackers hair with his other hand and pulled back, taking care not to go near its mouth. Something metal clattered to the floor as Marko pulled.
            Ted was on the ground and Marko pulled the attacker back, his arms raised to pull Marko's hand out of his hair. Ted grabbed the broomstick and readied the sharp end forward. "No!" the man screamed as Ted thrust the stick through the man's neck and up into his brain. Ted finished pushing the corpse off of him as the heavy thump it made was the only sound for a moment.

            "That man wasn't dead." Jay said but no one answered him.

April 7, 2013


[Posted by Ted H]

Sick out of my mind all this week. You get NOTHING! Anything I did try to write was rubbish as I vomited and voided enough varying liquids from my body in such violent fashion to the point Sam Raimi would've used me in one of his Evil Dead movies. As a result, I haven't been able to see the new Evil Dead yet, which bums me out, since I was dead set on seeing it immediately. I'll get on it eventually, once I'm able to go several hours without wanting to die. I'm finally at the point where I can eat without worrying about throwing it back up right away.

Through my fever and drug induced saga, I was able to come up with a sort of parody jingle to mock myself with. It'll have to serve as this weeks update, so technically I didn't miss an update this week...

I took your granddads cure
I feel incredi-sick
I took some weird ass pills from that drug store down the road.

I'm gonna pop some pills
Only got 20 hours till I work next
I-I-I'm about to vomit, tryin not to drop dead
This is fucking awful.

Is that your grandmas soup?