June 26, 2011

That One Night [5]

[...Posted by Ted H]

New shit comming....next week? Maybe? I dunno, maybe a part 6 instead, I havent decided. Every time I post another piece of this, I end up editing it some more afterwards. Editing....'s all I seem to accomplish anymore. That and perusing the content over at Cracked.

Speaking of which: http://www.cracked.com/blog/how-to-become-author-in-5-incredibly-difficult-steps/
100% accurate at least from the editing perspective...

The problem with Cracked is that you rarely stop after one article...


....and then I ended up reading...
Holyshit, where did the last hour go? Oh yeah, I went into a cracked binge. My bad. Heres your damn update while I keep switching between random cracked articles and mercilessly editing my story...


[That One Night]

My eyes were trying to adjust to the room which was only lit by the moonlight coming in from the window. I kept my eyes trained on the doorway, expecting the shadow ghoul to float on in after me or bust the door down or something dramatic. After what felt like the most intense minute of my life, nothing happened. Nothing came in the room and nothing was going to happen to me, for now.

I had just breathed a sigh of relief when I realized my knees were wet. I quickly dismissed it as my pants still being wet from when Paul’s organs spilled out on me but I immediately noticed my hands were soaking in something on the carpet as well. Then I felt something drip onto my hand. I hoped it was a leaking pipe or something to that effect when I looked up and came face to toe with a foot. A bloody foot to be exact. I fixed my gaze up as I followed a steady stream of blood up from the foot to the leg and into the darkness of a blood drenched nightgown.


I got out from under her and looked at Abby. She was lynched from a hole in the ceiling. You couldn’t tell her nightgown was once white with the crimson that reflected in the pale moonlight that, as if on cue, came out fully from the clouds to illuminate my view of Abby and her room. Blood splatter was all over the walls and Abby was at the epicenter of it all, blood pouring out of every orifice and dripping onto the carpet which had created a pool under her.

Her mouth was fixed open as well as her eyes, which were staring directly at me. Creped out to say the least, I took a step to the side to avoid her gaze, which followed me. This wasn’t like a weird painting where the eyes always seem to be looking right at you, or when you walking into a room full of porcelain dolls that always seek you out to look at, this was Abby constantly adjusting her eyes so that they follow me. I watched as they twitched to keep up with me every time I changed location.

Abby’s body then made a spastic twitch, her head went from leaning to the left to leaning to the right and she started laughing. It wasn’t Abby laughing though, it started almost as a grunt, then changed to a higher tone with another, deeper voice laughing as she continued to twitch. I started backing myself up as Abby’s laughing and twitching continued to get more and more violent. Her arms and legs were now flinging blood everywhere, especially in my direction.

Then the rope snapped and everything ceased. Abby fell to the ground and didn’t move. I looked up towards the ceiling to see that the hole and other part of the snapped rope were gone. “Abby?” I whispered as I crouched down and approached her. She looked dead, but she looked dead before so I wasn’t taking any chances.

“You’re a dog…” I heard Abby say. She still wasn’t moving, her head was facing away from me, but she was obviously alive. “…Just like the ones I had. Do you know what I did with my dogs when I was younger? Mother never approved and stopped replacing them.” I really didn’t want to get any closer to Abby, my gut was screaming at me to run, but my head said I should at least make sure Abby was fine…which so far, she wasn’t. Besides, leaving meant possibly running into that shadow wraith thing again.

She had called me a dog. She called guys that when they acted rude around her, which was usually every time I saw her. I figured if she can call me a dog at a time like this, she might actually be alright. The shadow wraith I encountered outside along with everything else that happened so far begged to differ however.

She giggled again like she did before when I was talking to Karen, which made me briefly wonder where that particular girl was. “Abby?” I asked as I touched her shoulder and her head turned to face me, except it didn’t turn the proper way around. Her head twisted backwards around her head, I could hear every bone in her neck pop and snap as she did this, then faced in my direction.

She took a second to stare at me, her left eye twitching rapidly, then opened her mouth and screamed like she did before, blood and bile spraying out onto me and causing me to jump back and topple onto her bed. Abby then started to rise and I decided that now would be a good time to run again. I was propping myself on my elbows when-

-blood. Blood was soaking up through the blanket I was on. Then I realized the bed was lumpy, like there’s something on the bed with me, under the blanket. I jumped off and pulled the blanket to reveal Karen, or what remained of Karen. Her body was severed in various locations, and her pieces were rearranged on the bed. Some indistinguishable pieces were piled near the pillow with Karen’s head resting on top, her swollen tongue sticking out from between her teeth and her eyes fixed open with the eyeballs rolled all the way back.

-I think I‘ll take my chances with the wraith now…

I jumped up and made for the door to leave, though Abby was in the way of that. On her feet again and still screaming, Abby reached out and started to strangle me. Her hands were icy and unusually strong as they tightened around my neck despite my best efforts to pull them off. Blood was practically spewing out of Abby’s mouth fire hose style as she continued screaming, going up my nose and obstructing my vision. More and more blood came pouring out of her making me think the room would start flooding if she kept this up.

Not being strong enough to pull Abby’s hands from my neck, I opted to pick her up and toss her into the door, the force of it dragged her hands off of me, which left four deep scratches on each side of my neck. After wiping my eyes clear, I immediately retreated to Abby’s desk and searched through it for the best weapon I could think of, knowing Abby of all people would have it.

It wasn’t hard to keep track of where Abby was behind me with the wailing she was doing. Upon finding what I was looking for, I spun around and held it out in front of me like a shield. A crucifix. Small enough to fit in one hand even though it was quite heavy, due in large part to the Jesus that was hanging on the front.

Abby stopped screaming long enough to get a good look at ol’ Jesus before lunging out and biting his head off, taking the top of the crucifix with it.

-I guess that rules out holy water for plan B

I kicked Abby back and started beating her with what remained of the crucifix. My plan was to beat her onto the floor and keep her there until a better idea came to mind. I had Abby flat on the floor and stabbed her in the back with the crucifix. I used my foot to push her back down and was about to make a run for it when I felt something wet smack into my head.

I looked down and saw a foot fall to the ground. I looked back towards the bed and saw Karen’s severed arm was picking up other body parts and hurling them at me one by one. Abby was back on her feet, though not screaming-

-Choking on Jesus’ head perhaps?

-while Karen’s body parts were throwing themselves at me. I kicked Abby to the ground again as one of Karen’s floppy breasts flew into my face and slapped me. Her other arm was spinning end over end at me when I caught it in mid air then ducked as another appendage flew overhead and smacked into the wall. I watched as her arm dragged over to her chest, ripped it open and started ripping and tossing various organs towards me. Using the severed arm as a bat, I started hitting organs back before I used it to beat Abby back down, pausing for a split-second to marvel how a woman was finally throwing herself at me.

The arm then fought back as the hand clenched into a fist and started punching me. I tossed the arm down just as-”Head butt!!!” A voice cried out. I turned just in time to see Karen’s head fly into my chest, knocking me down near the door. Abby was back on her feet and approaching me as I reached up, opened the door and kicked myself out of the room, the door slamming itself behind me. I laid in the hallway for several minutes to see if anything was going to follow me.

Feeling safe, I stood up again and surveyed the hall. The light in here was still shitty but there was no one around. I figured Abby’s screaming might have awoken at least one person. “Hello?” I called out to no response. How can no one have come? Abby had been screaming enough to wake the dead, which was evident by Karen’s body (parts) coming to life, and yet no one else in the dorm had heard?

-Maybe they’re all dead…

Nobody had come. I knew that the dorms were pretty dead on party nights, but not a single person had come to investigate the screams. No friends of Karen or Abby, no Resident (I’m so fucking special) Advisors, no campus security guards, nobody. Something was seriously wrong here, and whatever it was, it had followed Marshall here.

“Help had to have come,” I said to myself as Abby started pounding on the door behind me. Help probably did come, and for all I knew, help ran into the wraith thing and got killed. No one was going to come.

I pushed the thought aside. There was no way this could be happening. “Hello?” I called out, louder now, and the only response I received was Abby’s wail as she beat uselessly at the door. I was convinced this wasn’t simply a nightmare since most people can wake up from those with a quick scare or pinching themselves, I on the other hand had been scared half to death and been enduring punishment much more severe than mere pinches.

“So where to now?” I asked to the darkness, but before I had a chance to think, something tackled me from behind, knocking me back onto the ground. I then felt the air above my head rush passed as if something had been swung right next to me. “Are you insane? He almost got you!” Marshall yelled as he pulled me up and started running towards the front door. “Who?” I said as I looked behind me and saw the shadow creature again. The next second, I was sprinting right behind Marshall.

We ran out the door and into the quad, the giant field in the middle of the campus. Every few seconds, Marshall would freak out and immediately change directions. This continued for several minutes as Marshall would shout about how “He was in my head!” and how “He knew where we were running to!” Not being in the best shape of my life, I quickly grew tired of the running charade. Ultimately I decided to take off my coat and cover Marshall’s face with it mainly because we had been running around in circles in the quad and getting absolutely nowhere.

I figured if Marshall didn’t know where I was taking him, “He” wouldn’t know where to catch us so we would be safe. I had made the realization that perhaps “He” was that shadow wraith thing I had encountered, so avoiding it was definitely a good thing. Marshall must have known what I was doing because he quickly stopped struggling and blindly followed where I took him. Either that or he couldn’t breathe through my jacket and was slowly suffocating. Either way he was quiet.

Where to go was a good question. We couldn’t go to the police or anything like that. Who would believe me and my seemingly insane friend? We obviously couldn’t go back to the blood bath that was my dorm either. I decided to head for the most logical place I could think of for this early in the morning, even when covered in blood. We went to Denny’s.

June 19, 2011

That One Night [4]

[...Posted by Ted H]

Aw snap...the crazys starting...


[That One Night]

Unfortunately, I wouldn’t get any answers when I returned to my room. Marshall was gone, the door wide open. It didn’t even occur to me that the window was open either until the breeze hit me, then I realized that the window wasn’t just open, it was gone. I checked around and figured my desk chair had been used to break down the window. Marshall must’ve jumped out after like some action hero escaping right before a bomb went off or something to that effect. For a moment I grew concerned, as if there actually was a bomb in my room and Marshall had just overestimated the amount of time left when he threw my chair out the window and made his dashing escape.

However I realized the most dangerous things that have occurred with Marshall around thus far has been him jumping out of a bush and Abby pissing on the floor. There was also that fact that Marshall was constantly coming across as bat shit crazy and while his jumping out a window didn’t signal any immediate danger to me, it was completely expected of him in the short time I’ve been around him. Still, having Marshall running around unsupervised wasn’t a sound idea, especially if he isn’t above throwing furniture out windows. I walked over to the window, hoping that he broke a leg or something so I wouldn’t have to track him down.

“Fuck,” I found myself saying as I surveyed the ground outside. The chair had broken apart when it hit the ground but there was no sign of Marshall. If he did get hurt from the three story fall, it wasn’t enough to keep him from moving, which meant I had to get my ass outside quick. How does someone even survive a fall from this height?

-He talked about someone being after him. How could they have gotten passed me though? And what could possibly spook Marshall that much where he would toss a chair through a window and jump?…Shit, I’m starting to buy into this…FOCUS!

Priority one was to track down my psychotic friend. Priority two was figuring out just how crazy he was, and how crazy I was becoming. And I guess priority three would be figuring out a good excuse to tell the school as to how a chair ended up breaking through my window. I’d be damned if I was gonna pay for that.

Deciding Marshall couldn’t have gotten far, I grabbed my jacket and ran down the stairs and out the front door to go after Marshall. Where to go first was the big question. The campus may be small, but looking for one man in the dark could take forever, especially if he’s moving. I decided to go check where he landed outside my window and see if there were any clues to where he went after. I’m no Sherlock Holmes, but how hard could it be?

Not ten steps out though, I found myself face to face with Paul, Marshall’s older brother. Not much seemed to have changed for him through the years. His shaggy dirty blond hair stuck to his head like it was painted on, and his nose was still slightly crooked, something Marshall told me all those years ago that his family couldn’t afford to fix. In short, he was ugly, and time only made that worse.

“Looking for Marshall?” I asked as he squinted at me, remembering me from somewhere but not able to go back as far as 12 years. “Small world,” he said as he gave up trying to remember and outright asked “Who are you?” He stood up straighter and cracked his neck as if he was going to fight me if I turned out to be someone he didn’t like. Either that or he wanted to come across as intimidating for a first impression. Remembering all those times he beat Marshall and I into oblivion on an indiscriminate basis, I proceeded cautiously.

“Steve,” I said as Paul shot his head in the air as if the dawning realization of who I was literally slapped him in the face. Like I said, I was Marshall’s only friend. “I assume he came for you then?” he asked. I nodded “Didn’t stay long though. Have any idea what’s going on?” Paul walked past me towards the door I had just rushed out of, ignoring my question. “He came all this way,” he said “I doubt he’ll go far before deciding to come back here.”


Paul sat down on my bed as I drew the curtain closed to block the broken window. It was cold out and that meant my lack of a window was going to make Paul‘s visit all the more unpleasant. I remained standing since my only chair had been disposed of.

Deciding to hell with foreplay, I cut to the chase “What is going on?” I asked.

“Marshall’s very sick.”

“No shit, Sherlock. I’m looking for specifics.”

Paul hesitated for a moment. “You remember how he just dropped out of life 12 years ago?”


“Well, he ended up in Juvi, our family kept it hidden. Three years. In there he must have met some fucked up people because the staff put him on medications for some mental issues. When they released him, he just kept getting worse. Completely off the wall, impossible to control. About a year later, out of the blue, he ran away.”

“I really enjoy this recap of your dysfunctional family, but could you please get to the part where you explain what would cause Marshall to jump out my third story window?”

Paul flashed me a look as if to say he wouldn’t hesitate to punch me in the face. “A month ago we found him. He had gotten caught up with some weird cult. They were seeking the power “to see” or something, but had gone crazy and killed each other instead. Marshall was found half dead, almost catatonic, the only survivor. Cops called it a mass schizophrenic episode gone wrong…Marshall said something else killed everyone, but no one bothered listening. He was later released into the care of our family again.”

“What made him come here?”

“We were going to commit him. We tried to keep the plan hidden but I figured he knew anyway. Often he was heard having a conversation with himself. When we asked who he was talking to, he said it was our baby sister. The miscarriage our mother had 17 years ago was apparently having a regular conversation with him. Then he got paranoid and violent, saying that what killed everyone at that cult had found him and was coming for him. He then took our dads car and drove off. Our dad has a GPS on the car in case it’s ever stolen. So I followed him up here. Found the car crashed about a mile down the road. Apparently he came here for you.”

Paul sat back, allowing me to take it all in. There was something he wasn’t telling me. Something important, in addition to the hundred of little things he wasn’t filling me in on. I wanted to ask him so many questions, like how Marshall knew to find me here or why Abby would have a breakdown upon sight of him, but decided against it. “How long you think before he returns?” I finally asked. Paul shrugged “An hour, all night maybe. The kid is off his meds, so I really don‘t know.”

-Well this sucks

Paul wasn’t exactly my favorite person 12 years ago, and that wasn’t going to start changing either. Staying up all night waiting out the return of a head case in an almost claustrophobic dorm room didn’t seem all too appealing either, especially with the shit the college would give me about the window tomorrow-scratch that-later today. I had finally bothered myself to look at my cell phone to confirm the time, which was now way past two.

I decided now was a good time to at least check on Abby. I walked towards my door and turned back to Paul. “I’ll be right back. I just wanna-”

“No,” Paul said quickly “You’re not going anywhere without me. We’ll wait for him here.” Something was defiantly up. Paul didn’t want me finding Marshall without him being present. “I’m not gonna hide him if that’s what you think I’m gonna do,” I said. “No,” Paul repeated. “I want to go check on someone else, completely unrelated to your brother,” I said, conjuring forth the most serious poker face I could muster. “I don’t care,” Paul said as he folded his arms. “Then come with me, I really don’t care anymore,” I said. Paul shook his head. “Finding Marshall is more important. We don’t leave this room.”

-There is seriously something he isn’t letting me in on…

Screw him. I turned towards the door and figured how fast I could open it and rush out of sight in case Paul was really this serious in keeping me here. I could be in the free in clear if Paul were to go into a reclined position on the bed. I turned back towards him to see if he was-

-Something’s behind Paul

At least I thought I saw something. I saw behind Paul what looked like his own shadow-except the thing had pale yellow eyes that blinked. They fucking blinked-twice-as if to make sure I didn’t imagine the first blink. My eyes went wide and Paul immediately shifted himself to look behind, which momentarily obstructed my view long enough for the shadow to disappear. All this took place in approximately 1.5 seconds.

“What?” Paul asked as he looked back at me. “Nothing,” I said with a blank stare half thinking I was just seeing things, half expecting the shadow to return. Just as I dismissed it as my imagination, Paul was airborne. “Hey!” he screamed as he flew up and landed on his back on the ceiling, then dropped straight down onto the bed. Even though the mattress broke his fall, that still looked painful.

I was moving to see if he was alright when he started moving again. This time he flew strait into me, knocking us both down. “Grabbed me…Something GRABBED ME!” Paul frantically yelled. At that point Paul and I flashed each other the same concerned look while I had a dawning realization:

-Maybe Marshall isn’t full of shit after all

“No!” Paul yelled as I saw him getting dragged by his leg by the invisible force to-

-O fuck

-the open window. The curtains ripped themselves away from the window and Paul started going out through the opening. Paul grabbed the window ledge for dear life, his hands getting cut to shreds by the shards of broken glass, but the strength of his assailant was proving too much. I had just enough time to spring to my feet and dive for his arm as he was pulled loose. I placed my feet on the ledge and pulled back on Paul. At first I seemed to be winning but then it became a standoff as neither myself nor the attacker were making any ground in our game of Tug-O-Paul. Paul was screaming in agony the whole time. I was soon standing perfectly horizontal off the ledge with nothing under me to support. The counter-force of Paul’s kidnapper was the only thing keeping me in the air as I balanced the heels of my feet on the ledge.

As easily as this battle had begun, it had ended, as I suddenly and painfully toppled to the floor with Paul’s weight dropping on top of me. Nothing else was going through the window except a calm breeze coming in from the outside. Paul had stopped screaming, rightfully so, I thought I just saved his life. I started to push him off of me when-

-Bones. I was pushing on bones. I looked down to see what Paul was, and I was looking down at a skeleton. The game of Tug-O-Paul had ended in a draw. His skin went out the window while I managed to save everything else. “Thank you for saving me!” Paul‘s skull said as it shot up and looked right at me. I somehow knew if it could, that skull would be smiling. I couldn’t bare to look at the skull any longer, so I diverted my attention to Paul’s midsection and watched as, with nothing to hold them in place, all of his organs fell out and onto my legs.

Frantically, I kicked the bones and organs off and jumped up, crashing into the door. I felt for the knob, not daring to take my eyes off of Paul’s skeleton as it proceeded to drag itself after me. I turned the knob and squeezed myself out the small opening I made before pulling the door closed. “Come back! I need new flesh,” Paul said as he fruitlessly tried scratching at my door.

I couldn’t comprehend what I had just witnessed. Hell, I didn’t want to comprehend it. I wanted out of this loony nightmare I seemed to have wandered into. I looked down the hall and there it was again, the shadow, whatever had killed Paul. It was a black cloud floating a couple feet from the floor. It was shaped like it was wearing a cloak with a hood up over the head. Where its face should have been were the same pale yellow eyes I had seen before.

Not feeling like I should get acquainted with the-

-Ghost? Wraith? What the fuck is that thing?

-I decided to just get the hell out of there. I burst my way into the stairwell and jumped down the steps three or four at a time. I descended to the first floor and crashed through the door into the hallway. Most of the first floor hallway’s lights were out, but I could see well enough as I started running-

-Well enough to see black shit float passed me and reform as the shadow-ghost-thing right in front. I almost fell over as I immediately shifted myself and ran the other direction, just so the shadow thing could do the same trick again and be right in my way. I decided this thing was too fast to outrun and stood where I was.

-Maybe I should’ve gotten acquainted with it

The shadow shifted and arms formed with what seemed to be claws at each end. It reached each arm straight out and shrieked. I thought Abby’s screaming was bad. That was nothing compared to the sound that emitted from this thing. I don‘t think there exists a single creature in this world, even in death, that could emit the same shriek that this shadow thing just sounded.

My body was practically paralyzed after the shriek and my brain was screaming for my legs to start moving. The shadow then grew out until blackness covered from wall to wall, floor to ceiling, and started to rapidly float my way, swiping its claws the entire way.

I wasn’t exactly educated in the science of floating black ghost shit, but I figured I wouldn’t like getting hit by that oncoming wall. I knew I wouldn’t be able to outrun it either, so my only hope was the nearby door, Abby’s door. I prayed that Karen didn’t lock it behind me after my earlier visit as my legs finally started moving again and I reached for the knob. I barreled my shoulder into the door as I quickly turned the knob and toppled into the room, slamming it closed as I fell. I then sprung up to my hands and knees and waited.

June 12, 2011

That One Night [3]

[...Posted by Ted H]

Notice we have a new author? Awww yeah! More awesomeness is on the way!


[That One Night]

I walked up to the door and peered into the night. Nothing out of the ordinary. So far so good. The same concrete walkway ramp with some bushes to the side leading out to the sidewalk, all shrouded in darkness. The lights on campus were few and far between so seeing anything was damn near impossible. I looked out into campus and saw someone walking, but unless Marshall was a woman and walking in the opposite direction of this dorm, then it wasn’t him. I wasn’t about to go out and search if anyone else was around, seeing as the big ass quad dominated most of the immediate area outside the dorm, not far from the sidewalk, and even in complete darkness, I would still be able to see if anyone was coming this way. There was no one around. I was relieved that maybe all this was a dream until I saw someone jump from the bushes and run up to the door. It didn’t take much to figure out who that was.

-Greeeeeeeeat…That means his call was real…Which means the other call was real…Which means I‘m literally a dead man walking…Which means…

“Steve!” Marshall called as I depressed the handle bar and opened the door. He seemed so excited that he went to hug me, but for some reason froze in his tracks with his arms suspended around me, not touching. “What happened to you?” he asked as he dropped his arms to his sides. “Huh?” I uttered. This guy disappears for 12 years and then decided to question where I went?

“You have a strange aura about you. Something I didn’t detect when I called you.” Marshall just stared at me as if I would sprout wings or maybe dissolve right before him. To say I was uncomfortable at this point was an understatement, and I wasn’t too comfortable with him using terms like “strange“ and “aura“ so casually either, especially after what I just went through. “You died,” Marshall said after a moment with an odd calmness to his voice.

-Again saying shit like that’s so casual. What’s so damn casual about finding out I died? That’s some pretty fucked up shit to discover and be so casual about…
Up until now I was partially in denial about whether or not I actually died back in my doorway, but for some reason, since Marshall said it, that must mean I actually did die. Marshall shook his head. “…But, you’re not dead. This is odd. What happened?”

I shrugged “One second I’m on the phone, the next I’m on the ground…dying.” I decided not to tell Marshall who I was talking to, even though part of me felt he would probably know, I didn’t want to know. My chest still felt cold.

“Why are you here?” I asked as we walked down a hallway towards the staircase. Marshall ignored me though and was looking around nervously. “This is bad,” he said “He beat me here. This place isn’t safe.”


“We can’t stay here, Steve.”


“Where else can we go?”


“You have a car, right Steve?”


I found I was screaming at this point. Marshall was ignoring me, almost looking delusional. It crossed my mind that he might be strung out on some drug. “What are you on?” I demanded. Marshall looked at me like I had just smacked his mother. “You think I’m making this up?” he asked. “No!” I shouted again, I didn’t care “I don’t know what the fuck you’re spewing!”

A door behind me opened. Out stepped Abby from her room. Abby was one of those heavy religious people who not only believes every word of the bible, but could recite most of it on command. She was wearing a white nightgown that went down to her ankles and she looked dead tired and pissed. It was, after all, one in the morning, or at least it was the last time I checked, which was before I died.

“Do you know wha-” she started but her face seemed to freeze solid when she locked eyes with Marshall. “Abby?” I asked as she started to tremble. This wasn’t just a slight tremble either, she looked like she was convulsing as she also started to scream. She collapsed under her own weight and started crying.

Her screams became ear bleeding shrieks in no time as she literally pissed herself right in front of us. “What the hell?” I asked as I turned back to Marshall, who was shaking his head with wide eyes as he stared at Abby screaming on the ground, too afraid to do anything but hold her own arms and shake.

People started pouring out of their rooms to see what was the matter. “C’mon!” Marshall said as he grabbed my shoulder “We can’t stay here.” He pulled me into the stairwell and as soon as we were out of sight, Abby stopped screaming. “What was that about?” I asked as Marshall tried pulling me up the stairs by my arm. “He‘s coming here. I don’t wanna be anywhere near her when that happens.”

Marshall stopped pulling me as I said “What? How do you know?” Marshall bit his lip nervously “He knows I’m here. I felt His gaze fix on her. He’ll kill the girl then come for us.”

“Who is “He”?”

“I don’t have time to explain.”

“Well fucking make some.”

“Not here. Your room.”

I turned to go back to Abby. “Where are you going?” Marshall said as I opened the door. “Wait in my room,” I said as I tossed him my room key “The room number is-”

“-I already know.” he said in a very annoyed matter of fact tone. I didn’t know whether to question the sudden mood shift or how he already knew my room number.

-Wonder if he knows my shoe size too. How does he know what he knows?

I returned to the hallway where there was a crowd of people already leaving Abby’s room. I entered and found Abby balled up in her bed, covered entirely by her blanket as she sobbed. Sitting on the bed near her was one of her friends, Karen.

Karen was the unofficial babysitter of anyone who knew her. If you were over the top drunk, or strung out beyond recognition, chances were that Karen would make sure you won’t die before you sober up. She also made a good sympathetic shoulder to cry on for the girls, though she wasn’t without her faults. Mainly there was the fact that she was a complete and total bitch, or at least she always was to me.

Contributing to Karen’s bitchiness was that fact that she was also the last person you would ever want to see naked. Karen never believed in the usage of a bra until it was too late. You know how when women get old their breasts sag down to their knees because of a lifetime of gravity? Well thanks to Karen’s hippie-like views on bras, her breasts now were hanging like they were 72 and not like they were 22. Of coarse she wears a bra now to cover this up, but that only means that any unsuspecting male who ever undresses her will be in for the second most unpleasant surprise you can have when undressing a woman. There was also the fact that she rarely shaved or showered, but that matter was a completely different matter entirely, and seeing how talking about an undressed Karen is starting to make me feel ill, I’ll move on with this story.

“What. Did. You. Do.,” Karen demanded as soon as she saw me enter. I shrugged my shoulders.

“Who was with you?” she asked.

“Friend of mine…from out of town.”

“Why is he here?”

“That’s not important.” (A complete and total lie, I know). “And who the fuck made you in charge?”

“Abby’s scared out of her mind. She looks like she saw the devil himself.”

“That may not be entirely false.”

“What’s that suppose to mean?”

“I’m not sure,” I said as I turned to leave. “I just came down to make sure Abby was alright.”

“Well she’s not.”

Abby poked her head out from under the blanket, still crying, but no longer sobbing. “Abby, it’s going to be ok,” Karen said with a sympathetic tone. Abby then giggled, which unnerved both me and Karen. She ignored me as if I didn‘t exist and stared right at Karen. “You look like one of my dolls,” Abby said before she placed the blanket over her nose and mouth so it looked like she was peeking out from under the blanket. “Do you know what I did with my dolls when I was young? Mother never approved and took them away…” she then went completely under the blanket and began sobbing again.

“Abby, what happened to you?” Karen asked.

“Fuck…” I muttered as I opened the door to leave.

“Where are you going?” Karen called behind me.

“Getting some answers.”

“What does he have to do with all this?”

“I DON’T KNOW!” I screamed. Karen was taken aback by it while Abby stopped sobbing for a moment to giggle at me. “The second I figure some shit out I’ll be back.” I said, then stormed out.

As I left, I felt a weight in my stomach. Something told me that I shouldn’t abandon Karen and Abby like this. I didn’t think anything was going to come, still, part of me wanted to stay. Don’t get me wrong, Karen and Abby are bitches that I usually can’t stand to be around very long, but I felt I could do more good staying with them. Karen was also scared and confused, which made me uncomfortable about not knowing what the hell was happening either. The problem though was that I was the only one who could potentially get a strait answer from Marshall, and putting as much space between him and Abby was a good idea, so I had to abandon the girls. Coddling Abby was going to have to wait until I finished dealing with another babbling idiot.

June 5, 2011

That One Night [2]

[...Posted by Ted H]

Yup. This is still happening. All month long, baby!


[That One Night]

So yeah…I just died.

* * * * * * *

“Great story,” Teto said sarcastically.

“Fuck you.”

“What? You died. You said it yourself. What happens next, your trip to hell?”

“What would you do if I said yes?”

“I’m leaving.”

“I died, yes. But I didn’t stay dead.”

“So, what, you’re a zombie?”

“No. I came back, normal and everything.”

Teto was skeptical and annoyed. Could I blame him? He was losing interest fast and becoming annoyed that I had him come out here only for a story, a bull shit story at that. Time came for me to do something drastic. Apparently, telling him when he was going to die wasn’t enough. I needed to tell him something he can confirm. “Wait!” I called as went to leave.

“You skipped dinner,” I said “Bought a bag of 99 cent popcorn, white cheddar, at a gas station. It had expired last month but you knew that when you ate it.” Teto stopped and looked back at me. “Want to go to your car and bring me the bag?” I continued “Because you left exactly six pieces and one unpopped kernel.” Teto’s eyes shot open as if I had been in the car with him the whole time. “How did…What the…You can read minds?” he finally asked.

“I’m extremely perceptive,” I said “I could smell it on your breath and the information kinda presented itself to my mind from there. If I had something to write on, I’d write when you would finally eat the last six pieces, down to the second, even write where you are when you do it. Seal the paper and have you open it when you finally do eat them, all so you can further shit yourself in awe.”

“No thanks,” Teto said, a bit uncomfortable now. Perfect. Time to keep pushing. “Your sister is calling,” I said calmly. Teto pulled out his phone to see but his phone did nothing. Before he could say anything I held my hand up and said “Wait for it…” then waited a few seconds before I snapped my fingers. Not a split second later, his phone rang, and sure enough, it was his sister.

Teto walked away and took care of the call. When he returned I was ready to put the K.O. on him. “She’s upset that you’re out in the middle of nowhere for no reason while your mother is sick. She’s thinking of taking her to the hospital and wants you home pronto.” Teto was about to say something, but couldn’t get a word out. He looked like he could use a bag to vomit in. “Don’t worry though,” I continued “She’ll live. She’ll actually outlive you by a long shot. Three hours, five minutes and three seconds from now your sister will call back and you’ll have an argument where she‘ll needlessly bring up the time when-”

“-Stop!” Teto shouted. “How do you know this?”

“Not too sure. Like I said, the information presents itself to me.”

“You’re psychic?”

“Not exactly. Well, not intentionally. Certainly not when I knew you before.”

“When did it happen then?”

I smiled. “I was just getting to that.”

* * * * * * *

People wonder what it is they see when they die. Usually what they have are all questions. “Is there really a white light? Is two minutes in hell really a lifetime? Are you God?” I didn’t see shit, except more white. Maybe I shouldn’t have been staring into the white light so long, or maybe atheists were right in saying there’s really nothing to look forward to when we die. I always thought it would suck if they turned out to be right.

Just as I began to get swept away in my mind, I started to wonder if my mind was all that was left of me. I couldn’t see my body, assuming I still had it. I figured if I concentrated hard enough something, anything might happen. I was feeling very sporadic at that moment and couldn’t concentrate on anything though. Like I had smoked too much weed and was now spaced out as hell, getting lost looking at the ceiling while sitting back on a recliner, drooling all over myself. Hell, for all I knew, that was exactly what I was doing right now.

Just then however, I felt myself drop to the floor. So much for the weed theory. I was in a square lavender room with walls that moved around like that shit in lava lamps do. Apparently I had a body because I could feel myself get up and when I did, I was face to face with the most well endowed black haired beauty of a woman I have ever seen in my entire life…or death. Complimenting that fact was the fact that she wore a leather dominatrix outfit that revealed everything, with her arms kept behind her as if to invite me to look all over her, which I eagerly did. A few minutes later, when my eyes finally reached her face, she smiled and said in the most seductive tone “Whatever happens, make sure you concentrate on me at all times.”

If this was the afterlife, I would’ve killed myself a long time ago. I was about to get physically acquainted with this pillar of seduction when she gasped and her gaze shot off to her left. Instinctively I followed and saw what appeared to be a floating yo-yo until it morphed into a computer mouse then again morphed into a freaking bookshelf. It continued its floating journey until is disappeared into the lava lamp wall.

-Right…Why the hell would there-OH SHIT! She said to-

Before I could finish that thought I turned my head back to the naked beauty, only to recoil in horror at what she became. Right before my eyes she gained 200 pounds, easy. Hair started growing in all the wrong places as her boobs made the tragic shift from double Ds to man boobs. In case you haven’t caught on, she turned into a fat, hairy man wearing the same outfit. To complete the horror, the hair on his head fell off, because the only thing more terrifying than a fat, naked, hairy man is a fat, naked, hairy and bald man.

A 12 inch flaccid monster of a penis hung down from him as he giggled in the most appalling fashion, raised his hands, wiggled his fingers and started approaching me. Instinctively I backed up, not wanting to get raped by this sin against nature. My asshole also clenched shut so tight, I doubted I’d ever even fart again let alone shit, though the prospect of even needing to shit after death was an interesting question despite the circumstances. I also pondered if I could pull off committing suicide even after death.

-Dream-This is a fucking dream! Good lord its getting hard-NO! There has to be a way to change her back or something-Concentrate-Wait, that’s it! Don’t concentrate! Divert attention before he gets you! Aw shit-think. THINK! Birds, trees, harpoons, light bulbs, guitar picks, Ben Franklin, the Bat-mobile, squirrels, lawn chairs, rocket launchers, HGTV, Radio Shack: You‘ve got questions, We‘ve got answers, Beetle Juice, Beetle Juice, Beetle Juice!!!

My brain felt like it was going to implode. I had thought all of those different things almost simultaneously, but when I looked up there she was, back in all her nude glory. I silently vowed never to think of anything else ever again as I took her in my arms and prepared to pound her like a sledgehammer. Before I could, unfortunately, she held up an apple in her hand.

Not feeling like being diverted twice, I ignored it and kept all my actions and focus on her until the apple started ringing like an alarm clock. Not to be outsmarted, I kept on diverting my attention from it until it started talking like Sarah Palin as it said “Stevie here wet the bed until he was 13 don‘t cha know!”

-How does Sarah know? Wait-!

“Lies!” I screamed as I turned my head towards the apple Palin-

-And I was back on the floor in my doorway, drool cold in my mouth as I felt the stagnant blood in my veins start pumping again. I could literally feel myself resurrecting, which was odd since I didn’t exactly have a previous experience to precedent this, so I have no idea how I associated that experience as, in fact, resurrection. I guess I’ll ask Jesus the next time I see him. When I did get up, I could confirm one fact, but I also had one huge question.

First of all I could confirm that yes, you do massively defecate yourself when you die. It’s a warm feeling, but extremely uncomfortable when you get up and everything dribbles down your pant leg. Despite this shitty situation, I was more concerned with the question of precisely how long I had been dead. No one ever visited me so I could have been rotting in this doorway for a few minutes, couple days, hell even a month. I lost all track of time when dead. How long was I in the lavender room? Didn’t matter now, what was important was that…was that…well, I was completely lost at that moment, so my next move was a bit ambiguous. Seriously, I had just been dead. Technically, I shouldn’t have to do anything anymore.

After stretching the rigormortis out of my arms, I picked up my cell phone and checked my recent numbers. Lovely, neither Marshall nor my death call showed up. Maybe they really didn’t happen. Maybe the calls were all in my head, something my brain imagined before it shorted out. In retrospect, I should’ve thought about going to the hospital at least, but I opted for the more insane idea. I decided to go downstairs to find out if Marshall really was coming, and if he was, if he could give me any answers.

First however I grabbed my duffle bag and made for the bathroom. After cleaning myself and changing pants, I made for the stairs and down I went. All the while I had hoped that I imagined Marshall, the girl, and the dying and that nothing was going to happen. That I just needed to sleep and everything would be ok again. I figured I’d put off dropping out and just turn in for the night. The last few events had been more than I wanted.