January 27, 2012

Adventures in Oblivion - The End of Ilend

[...Posted by Ted H]

Oblivion pissed me off in a huge way recently...I'll talk about it more when I get to that point in my playthrough...
I'm not gonna recount every last quest...mainly because I dont really remember them, but I'll touch upon the important ones.


[Adventures in Oblivion - The End of Ilend]

With my babysitting duties fulfilled and no longer interested in the central plot, I decide now would be a good time to tie up the loose end that Kvatch has become. Sure enough, when I return, everyone is just standing around waiting for me. I can’t decide if these soldiers are just useless or smart. Useless that they still haven’t done shit to liberate Kvatch from demonic control…Smart because they know that without me they would surely fail.

I take point and charge out the gates with the pack of expendable idiots behind me as we rush the demons eager to intercept up. Little effort is needed to dispatch them as we now set our sights on the castle. Liberate that and we’ve saved what’s left of Kvatch. As we approach however, we find the gate is down and it can only be opened from the other side. The captain tells me there is a way to get to the other side and open the gates, but it requires me to go all the way back to the church and through an underground tunnel. There’s a man with the needed key back in the church waiting.

Alone, I return to the church to find the key master is another soldier. I’m sorry, were you not looking when the rest of us charged out the doors to fight the demons? What were you doing in the meantime? Guarding the civilians? Oh wait, they all evacuated. So what, guarding the empty church? My hero. Just give me the fucking key so I can save the city.

But no, the soldier gets an attitude when I demand the key, saying he’ll go with me to open the door for me. Again, my hero. Then three imperial guards walk in and say they’re here to assist me. I’d normally turn away offered help like this, but these guys look like they’ll drop some decent loot when they inevitably bite it. So off the five of us go into the tunnels under the church so we can open a door to a castle.

Now, three people die between now and when I inevitably open the gates and I’m not one of them, but you can reasonably guess that outside of plot armor, there is no fucking way the town guard would outlast three imperial guards….and yet, somehow he makes it. But when we finally make it to the door he has the key to open, he then hands me the key and runs away…WHY?!!? Why not just hand me the key back in the church?

Anyway, gates open and now I rejoin the original group of idiots as we charge the castle. A scamp manages to get off one fireball that I sidestep before we clear the path to Castle Kvatch and file our way in. The purging of Kvatch is complete and the guards all thank me…except one. I find this odd and not entirely too surprising, but where the hell did Ilend go off to? I search all through the castle but can’t for the life of me find that lovable oaf. I knew he was still alive when I originally left him to open the castle gates and-
-oh shit.

I remember one of his more memorable demises while in Oblivion, when I side stepped a fireball and he took it head on…I then remember the lone fireball a scamp launched right as we stormed the castle just minutes ago.

I rush out into the rain, all the way back to the castle gates and see a lone Kvatch guard dead at the entrance. By the time I’m close enough to loot it, I already know who it is. Ilend is dead. I quickly consider my last save spot. What harm would there be in reloading one more time, playing the entire castle bit over again? I check online quick to determine that yes, it is possible for Ilend to survive the Kvatch ordeal…but ultimately I decide otherwise.

I’ve “resurrected” Ilend before, why not now? Because I took a look around. Kvatch was in ruins, doomed to perpetually burn until the end game. Always raining, never repairing. The surviving guards would wander their ruined castle forever while the surviving townsfolk would stand aimlessly in the dark, and it will never stop change, not here.

Ilend, for all his faults, was the only person in all of Kvatch who took immediate action. He was, for lack of myself, the protagonist . How many games do you play where you alone charge into unknown danger for the sake of others. I met Ilend because he was the only Kvatch guard with the stones to charge into the unknown. Sure, he may have been a little more Forrest Gump than Marcus Phoenix, but he was the only thing keeping me from thinking of myself as a Mary Sue.

Had he lived, Ilend would be doomed along with the rest of his brethren to stand around with his thumb up his ass in a ruined, leaking castle while I ran off saving the world. No, that’s not the Ilend I knew. To be fair though, there was no way in hell I would be able to put up with Ilend if he accompanied me on my quest, so it’s better that he dies here and now, while he’s still a hero but before he irritates me too much.

Better to die the hero, than to live to see yourself as just another useless NPC.

So I pull Ilend off to the side, so that no one would have to walk over his corpse. I arrange him as best I could and resist to urge to nick all his stuff. All I take are his pants because I had armor for everywhere else on my body, but these blacksmith pants weren’t useful for shit. I attempted to arrange his weapon and shield like what was done for Boromir in LotR, but the physics in this game are utter shit and not as tight as Fallout…so I just laid everything out at his sides. I left a bow over him as well, not that he used one but I didn’t need it anymore and I figured it was fitting since he wouldn’t have made it even this far if I wasn’t watching over him the entire time.

Last I checked, Ilend’s body remains where it is. I managed to stop by and pay my respects from time to time. One time I even left some flowers. I know it’s a little much but few characters in this game appealed to me as much as Ilend, and all those others were more plot relevant.

After this day, I will henceforth be known as the Hero of Kvatch…All I can think to that is they’ve got the wrong guy…

Next time: I fought the law and logic lost...

January 21, 2012

Adventures in Oblivion - A Better Game

[...Posted by Ted H]

Work, work and more work....would be nice if that turned into cash money, but no because my car is a FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT THATS IN THE SHOP MORE THAN THE GARAGE!


[Adventures in Oblivion - A Better Game]

This is the first time I used the teleporting function in Oblivion. I’ve been avoiding it to this point because the immersion demands I avoid it. Now though? After babysitting Ilend, and now having to baby-sit Picard’s son, I didn’t feel like escorting the dude five feet before he breaks off to fight something a mile in the wrong direction like Ilend did. Even if he wasn’t a fighter, I wasn’t the man of the kings dreams because of my babysitting potential.

Anyway, getting back to the monk’s pad, I find it mysteriously overrun with hell spawns. Greaaaaaaaat. I run in and find the monk who tells me the plot Magoffin that I left with him (you know, to keep it safe) may or may not be stolen. (Pro tip: It’s been stolen)…but at least we’ve reclaimed the king’s son, right? Right?

Let me recap my mission so far: I began with the Magoffin and had to find/rescue the king’s son….now I have the king’s son and need to find/rescue the plot Magoffin. Shit, monk-man, you had one fucking job and you fucked it up. Now what? Well the new plan is to now relocate the king’s son to the safest-place-evar! Cloud Ruler Temple, home base of the Blades! (You know, the Blades, those bozos who died trying to keep the king from being assassinated…who was assassinated anyway.)

My question is, if Cloud Ruler Temple was the be all-end all safe spot, and the plot Magoffin was as fucking important as you said it was (for those keeping score at home: Plot Magoffin + King’s son = The world won’t fucking end) then why the fuck didn’t we get the plot Magoffin here as soon as possible. While I was off fighting demons in hell to eventually rescue the king’s son, monk-man was busy doing NOTHING to keep the Magoffin safe. He kept it in the equivalent of the fucking Hobbit Shire when there was a Helms Deep in walking distance. Hell, you could’ve had me escort the Magoffin there myself before I went off after Picard’s son. And the monk turns out to be a high ranking member of the mother fucking Blades, so it’s not like he had any excuse not to make the effort to escort the thing himself.

So the plot is already coming off the rails for me…but let’s make the effort anyway…
You know what? No. Let’s instead talk about a more sensible plot. Let’s say that, indeed, monk-man thinks it wise for me to escort the Magoffin to Helms Deep while he sends some of him monk buddies to pick up the son (who was currently working as a priest so it would all look credible and official) Then when I return to the Shire and learn that the monks haven’t come back yet, THEN I get sent out to Kvatch and find out what’s happening only to discover the portal to hell and the dead bodies of the previous monks.

Now since there wouldn’t be much game left if everything went smoothly, so let’s for arguments sake that the additional time it took me to get here ended up getting Picard’s son killed by a scamp or something. BUT WAIT! Picard’s son turns out to also have an illegitimate son of his own! Now I can go off to search for the missing son of the son of the King, who can also use the plot Magoffin to save the world.

This works because Picard’s son was no angel in his life before becoming a priest. You talk to him enough and he’ll shed enough light on his shady past. What’s to say he didn’t partake in some crazed one night stand and fathered a child with a bandit or someone? Then you can spend the main quest trying to check down the heir to the throne while the world around you slowly falls apart. The demons also have no clue who this mystery heir is so you’re also trying to find them before the demons do and kill them too. Perhaps you eventually learn that you are the heir just as the world falls into total chaos and now you have to get back to Helms Deep (freshly overrun with demons of coarse), recover the Magoffin, fight your way to wherever it is you need to use it, and save the world in some massive end game.

Compare that plot to the one I’m currently dealing with. Even if my proposed end game (recover Magoffin-fight to end game-then win) is exactly as it is planned in this game (I must stress again that I haven’t actually played through Oblivion yet) and the only difference is the major quest hook, my version is better since it requires a less retarded set up. Recover the Magoffin before it‘s too late? Or…Track down the mystery heir before it’s too late? Hell, you know how we could’ve made the game REALLY short, but make the most sense? Me never letting go of the Magoffin in the first place since clearly it was safer with me.

Anyway, back to the not-as-good plot where I need to now escort the monk and Picard’s son to Helms Deep. They’ve got horses and I’ve got Fuck-Your-Mountains. Unfortunately, the other horses lack the mountain climbing prowess of my bad ass companion. (Avoiding another LotR reference) We slowly make our way to Helms Deep. When we get there, Picard’s son say a lot of words and I’m apparently made a member of the Blades, to which I cheer “Hooray! I’m expendable!”

At this point, I’m suppose to continue the main plot, but it has done a poor job to keep my interest, so I bolt.

Next time: Mary Sue returns to Kvatch

January 15, 2012

Safe Haven - Wakey Wakey

[...Posted by Ted H]

...I hate the Giants...I hate Eli Manning...I hate Joe Buck...I hate all those talentless hacks...and I hope they all die of something slow and painful...
...here's an update....FUCK!


[Safe Haven - Wakey Wakey]

“Wakey wakey!” Jake heard someone say as he briefly fantasized stabbing whoever it was with a knife over and over. He was barely able to sleep last night and he felt like he was finally able to sleep when he was awoken. It wasn’t out of fear though, even though the group was sleeping out in the wastelands in constant danger of the undead for the first time since they found the amusement park. It wasn’t the sleeping arrangements either, they were little more than camping out which is how they usually slept anyway.

Jake figured the reason he couldn’t sleep had something to do with Jordan said yesterday, about how excited he was for this trip, about seeing how the world had changed. Jake found out he was looking forward to seeing the world a little as well. He always loved to wander around and explore new areas as a kid. The trip to Safe Haven was a little too frantic for him to enjoy the constantly changing scenery, albeit the apocalyptic feel to it. After leaving Safe Haven and before he met Cooper, all he had was time to enjoy the changing world, enough for him to ignore the impending doom of being alone in an undead world.

As a Rogue he loved the mornings where he would scale the roller coaster with Teto and Tucker because it offered up one hell of a view. Thirteen years of the same view however could jade even the most interested of hearts. Now that he and the others were venturing so far from home for the first time, the sense of exploration was reawakened. It was all business with Teto and some of the others, but part of Jake was relishing the opportunity to see the world once more.

Still, sleep was important, and Jake got nowhere near enough. So when he was woken up at what felt like only five solid minutes of sleep, Jake saw no issue with stabbing the person waking him up. He slowly sat up and saw it was in fact Jordan waking everyone up. Last night Jake and Teto each pulled a shift on lookout while everyone slept. Jake went first, then Teto, who then passed off to Jordan.

“What’s for breakfast?” Jake asked as he rubbed his eyes. “Whatever you packed,” Jordan said as he walked away “But I you want some juice, I’m about to go take a leak.” Jake shook his head as Tucker walked over, stretching his arms up in the air. “Looks like you guys don’t suck as lookouts,” he said. “Where’s Teto?” Jake asked as Tucker motioned behind him.

Teto had talked about how the trip wouldn’t be too hard as long as they find Interstate 40. They had yet to find I-40 though. Teto was using maps that may have been outdated 13 years ago, let alone how thing must’ve changed after the apocalypse. Jake walked over and saw Teto surveying the area with his binoculars. “You do know where we are, right?” he asked Teto who answered without dropping his binoculars “Yup. Finding the Interstate is the hard part.”

“Still go north?” Jake asked. Teto nodded. “We ready?” Teto asked aloud as Martin walked over and the two of them started north once again. “What, no breakfast?” Tucker asked as he quickly threw his pack on and followed. “Eat what you packed,” Jake said as the rest of the group started north.

January 11, 2012

Adventures in Oblivion - Ilend the Useless

[...Posted by Ted H]

"Why are you playing Oblivion? Why not the new one?"
"Brand new game: $60...Oblivion: $20. DO THE MATH!"

Time to talk about the most endearing character I met in the game...


[Adventures in Oblivion - Ilend the Useless]

Nice place, I think I may just vacation around here next summer. As soon as I enter, the welcoming committee rushes out to greet me with claws and more fire. I return their hospitality with arrows and a mace to the face. I am not the only human here in hell as I see another person running around, stabbing scamps. Once everything’s dead, we meet up and discuss the copious amount of crazy that’s been happening.

His name is Ilend, and he’s in hell with me, not because he’s lost his mind, but because one of his buddies has been captured. Together we decide to spring the buddy. Thus begin the crazy adventures of TheoKickAssius and Ilend the Useless. Seriously, I’m still not sure he survived this long without me, but this guy has a death wish by simply charging around looking for fights. Ilend, I later found out, graduated Magma Cum Laude from the Leroy Jenkins School of Combat.

To be honest though, Ilend appealed to me a little bit. Be it through pure courage or simple stupidity, Ilend was different. On my way in I noted the amount of guards running AWAY from the portal to hell, even with a compatriot captured in enemy territory, and Ilend was the only one with the stones to leave no man behind. I reminded myself of this fact through various reloads of previous saves since Ilend died on me, a lot.

Ilend’s deaths were various, and a few were even comical. I pissed off a scamp and let it come running into an avalanche of falling rocks. The plan worked perfectly…until Ilend grew either inpatient or envious of the giant, rolling rocks and charged into the field, getting swept over and into the fucking lava pool. Later, I was shooting arrows into a minefield when one of them exploded in a way that send a fireball flying in my direction. Common sense dictated I sidestep the ball, buy Ilend was too manly for such girlish tactics like “evasion” or “blocking” and took the fireball to the face like a champ…and died like an idiot. Sigh…reload.

At one point, my frustration for Ilend grew to a boiling point where I simply pulled out my bow and launched an arrow point blank into his face. Yeah, take that one to Skyrim and swap stories with the kneecapped guards.

“I used to be an adventurer like you, then I took an arrow in the-”
“FUCK YOU! I took an arrow in the FACE!”

Anyway, the two of us eventually made it (alive) to the tower of doom and eventually found the captured soldier. Awesome, now how do you open a cage hung precariously over a perilous drop onto spikes? What’s that captured dude? No time to worry about such trivial matters when there’s a way to close the portal to hell? Well shit, let me handle this! Uh…Ilend? You stay here with you friend. I got this one on solo.

With Ilend safely guarding a cage no one cares about, I effortlessly make my way to the top of Castle Greyskull and remove a…stone…that somehow was the key to keeping not only the portal to hell open, but apparently it was the only thing keeping this section of Oblivion from burning to the ground. Whatever, I remove the stone and there’s fire everywhere, then I’m somehow teleported back to the entrance of Kvatch, the portal to hell closed.

Right beside me somehow is Ilend, but wait, where was the prisoner we (you) nearly died to liberate? Did he die somehow? Was he trapped in burning Oblivion? What the hell? What’s that? It’s not important? Not when all the soldiers are now gonna charge into Kvatch and rescue the trapped townsfolk? I’d keep asking questions, but then I’m reminded that Picard’s son is the reason I’m here and decide I’ve got bigger fish to fry rather than the nameless soldiers.

The idea, I guess, was to team up with all these useless soldiers and liberate the townsfolk still inside. My, better, plan was to simply go in and kill everything without letting the soldiers steal my kills. Afterwards we all charged into the local church and lo and behold, son of Picard is inside waiting for me. He tells me that now that the civilians have a way out, he has no noble reason to stay behind (being that he’s a priest or something) and will leave with me immediately.

The soldiers then approach me and say there’s still more of Kvatch to liberate. Ah geeze, this is awkward. Do I do the nice thing and help these soldiers (who will without question be slaughtered without my help) or do I just up and leave now that I’ve got what I want.



Next time: Guess what happened to the plot magoffin when you werent looking?

January 5, 2012

Adventures in Oblivion - Fuck-Your-Mountains

[...Posted by Ted H]

More Oblivion? Yes. These are quick and easy and allow me to justify playing Oblivion as opposed to doing more important things....Our Town2s final act is comming along, but enjoy these while I finish the play...


[Adventures in Oblivion - Fuck-Your-Mountains]

Before I head out for Kvatch, someone gives me their horse. Getting to Kvatch wont be a quick run, and a horse seems like a faster mode of travel, so I take the horse and I’m off. The horse is maybe half a step faster then me, hardly worth the effort, and I cant fight or shoot arrows while mounted. The only reason I keep the horse though is because this fucker can climb mountains, and since the Mako only exists in Mass Effect, and since I ain’t walking around no mountains, the horse stays.

Kvatch, as stated before, in the southwestern end of the world…on top of a fucking mountain and the only reasonable road leading to its front door is coming in from the south…and I’m approaching from the north. Thank God (gods? How many gods-err-divines are there here?) for the horse as I climbed the mountain like a boss. The game obviously didn’t think I’d be this difficult cuz I’m pretty sure they had some scripted event/encounter with a bunch of soldiers for anyone approaching from the south…but TheoKickAssius and his horse Fuck-Your-Mountains don’t play that game.

As time passed, I found myself growing attached to my horse…such as I felt the need to name him. I’m pretty sure all horses would have the ability to climb mountains, but other horses cost money and I’d get chased to the ends of the earth for stealing one (I’ll get to that shit later). Still, you don’t NEED a horse and there had to be something more between myself and Fuck-Your-Mountains because when I accidentally killed him from plummeting down too many stiff mountain sides, I found myself instinctively loading my last save to resurrect my horse, a habit I usually reserve only for myself and any hot/useful NPCs…

Combat was a bitch while riding Fuck-Your-Mountains, and when I say “combat was a bitch” I mean to say “You can’t even fight while mounted” Every, fucking, time a wolf or rat attacks me, I gotta dismount, which means taking a couple seconds worth of damage and that’s not even taking into consideration the time it’ll take me to get my weapon out and if you’re equipped with a bow then you’re fucked for another couple seconds before you get an arrow ready. Alternatively I just let FYM deal with the rats himself since, and Christopher Reeves could back me up on this, horses possess the ability to fuck you up on their own. Outrunning a wolf is always an option but usually by time I gallop away, I run into yet another wolf and we start the chase game all over again.

Now you may say I have an faulty at best relationship with my horse, but Fuck-Your-Mountains seems to like me just as much because whenever I fast travel, he’s right with me when I finish teleporting. Even when I dismount in one city, hike all the way to another city and then fast travel to a third city, when I teleport, he’ll be right there as if to say “Yo, let’s go climb some mountains!”

Anyway, Kvatch. During my climb up the northern end of the mountain, I noticed the sky was darkening and a storm was brewing. Now either one of two things was happening: 1) A legitimate storm was coming or 2)That’s a plot storm. I’m beginning to get the feeling that picking up Picard’s son won’t be as easy as I initially thought.

By time I finish circling around to the front, the storm is in full force over me and the music has taken a dramatic turn, meaning something is attacking me. I dismount Fuck-Your-Mountains and I do battle with a fire throwing thing. “Where the fuck did that thing come from?” I ask as I immediately take notice of the giant, glowing portal to hell that’s so conveniently set up right in front of the entrance to Kvatch. I then notice a bunch of soldiers running away from the portal and regrouping behind a barricade.

Logic dictates I regroup with the soldiers and find out what the fuck is going on right now…but TheoKickAssius is an impulsive motherfucker who doesn’t wait around for anything so contrived as a “plan” or “better ideas” and I sprint headfirst into the portal to hell.

Next time: Arrow to the FACE!

January 1, 2012

Adventures in Oblivion - The Legend of TheoKickAssius

[...Posted by Ted H]

Taking a break from posting non stop Safe Haven...and since whenever I take a break from anything, I play games, I felt writing about a play through seems fitting.
I picked up Oblivion cuz it was mad cheap ever since Skyrim came out, go figure...There will be a lack of pictures since I'm lazy like that...

[Adventures in Oblivion]

This is the story of my Elder Scrolls IV run. The Legend of TheoKickAssius.

I’m still coming to terms with what’s happening. Right now I’m battling demons and trying to breach my way into a ruined city to rescue the bastard child of a Star Trek captain…maybe two hours ago I was a penniless and poor prisoner, serving out his life sentence for hunting Bambi out of season. The fucking king, Captain Picard himself let me out…well, not really. He was running for his life with his personal entourage and his secret passage out of dodge was located in my cell…yeah, I’m still kicking myself over that one. A secret way to freedom in my cell and I didn’t use it? Morgan Freeman would be so disappointed.

Anyway, with nothing better to do, I decide to hook up with Picard and company and run to the sewers, not before grabbing my cellmate, Bonesy, a skull that was keeping me company in prison. I cheer from the sidelines as the entourage fights off a bunch of cloaked dudes. There were two guys and a woman protecting the king, guess who dies in the fight? After I knick the dead woman’s sword for myself, the remaining guards tell me to fuck off as they go through another door and lock it behind them. Great…

Not to be deterred, I decide there has to be another way out akin to the secret passage in my fucking prison cell. Rats galore were there to meet me as I made my way around to inevitably catch up to the king, who had some unhealthy fascination with me. Normally I would object to such attention, but when you’re a prisoner and the mother fucking king dreams about you, then things can’t get much worse anyway. As I wade through the rats, I happen across a skeleton with a bow and some arrows.

Good news, since prisons don’t normally allow inmates to have weapons then this dead guy came in from the outside, meaning that this secret path will indeed lead me out of here…the bad news apparently is that something more dangerous than a rat did this guy in. Whatever, soon as I find the king, I’ll let his entourage do all the fighting while I hide behind Picard.

That is indeed what happens as I reunite with the guards and, at Picard’s insistence, I’m handed a torch and told to just stay out of the way. Another guard promptly gets killed as another robed man sneaks up behind everyone and kills Picard. I’m then handed a Magoffin and told to find some monk. The last remaining guard hands me a key and tells me to leave while he stays with the kings body to keep anyone from looting it, which is good because that was what I was trying to do when he was talking to me.

Out into the outside world for the first time in who knows, the first thing I do is kill a couple bandits and take their clothes. They will be the first of many, many naked corpses I leave in my wake. Decked out in my new threads of leather armor, I hit up the monk and figure I can at least to the main quest until I get my bearings. He tells me we need to find the kings illegitimate son or the world will end (…eventually). The sons home is Kvatch, which is on the southwest most corner of the world (naturally) and I’m currently in the middle. I’m given a horse and told to get moving.

How hard could this be?

Next time: It will be hard.