May 23, 2013

Adventures in Oblivion

"Adventures in Oblivion"
By: Ted H

A play through of Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion
featuring: TheoKickAssius and his brave horse: Fuck-Your-Mountains

An interesting romp through a world with an exciting alternate hell reality, uncanny faces, and a terrible and nonsensical plot line that has me tearing my hair out....and the useless goits that are the Fighters Guild.

The Legend of TheoKickAssius


Ilend the Useless

A Better Game

The End of Ilend

The Hero Cyrodil Deserves, But Clearly Not the One it Needs

Fun With Guilds

What's That Mother? You Want Me to Kill Everyone?

What if Sherlock Holmes was Always the Killer, and He Was Just Figuring Elaborate Ways to Pin the Murder on Other People?

Kill ALL the Expendables!

Where the Game Decides an NPC Should Face the Final Boss Instead

May 22, 2013

Our Town of the Dead

"Our Town of the Dead"
By: Ted H

The sequel nobody asked for to the Pulitzer prize winning Thornton Wilder play "Our Town"
It would be best to familiarize yourself with the original before you read my bastardized sequel.

The dead are returning to life in Grover's Corners and attacking the living. At the same time, George Gibbs is ominously beckoned to return to his childhood home. Coincidence? Only a small handful of survivors remain to get to the bottom of the undead threat and escape Grover's Corners before it's too late.

Act I

Act II


A few pre-play words (unimportant monologue on my part explaining why I did this play)

May 21, 2013

Blog Housekeeping...please stand by...

[Posted by Ted H]

No "new" updates this week, but I'm gonna do a little house keeping instead.

Between "Our Town of the Dead"..."Million Dollar Zombie"..."BGIv3"..."Safe Haven"...and various other long form write ups from me alone (not to mention earlier stuff from other people, should they be so inclined to ask) we've got a lot of stuff that's broken up into parts. I'm gonna try to collect those parts and keep them in one easy to use section...starting with OTotD.

Now, instead of having to track down every single act in the archives, you can just hit up this post and have links to all three acts in one convenient location. Not only that, there's a new place on the side where I'll have a link to every master page. So anyway...

May 19, 2013


[Posted by Ted H]

Whoops...between work and an overly self-involving set of applications, I've found myself with no time to write this week...and since I didn't win the lotto deep into my vaults we go!

Next week...maybe.

This was written for the perspective of someone who isn't me...which should be obvious since it's about a girl at a party getting hit on...just clarifying is all...



Uh-oh again he will come
His heavy steps like a drum
Stumbling about just like a bum
Smelling much like vodka and rum

He’ll try what he can
While staring at my chest
To bring me down to his place
And let his dick do the rest

His advances are useless
His jokes are just dumb
Now he tries to impress me
By some trick with his thumb

I want to turn away
Because he’s starting to stink
But I dare not look elsewhere
Lest he doctor my drink

Now he’s walking away
To replace his empty can
But soon he is replaced
By a new drunk man

He lets out a huge grin
When he realizes I’m a girl
Just before he bends over
And proceeds to hurl

He seems alright after
As he gives me a wave
Just as the party host screams
“Get the fuck out Dave!”

So that drunk is gone
Replaced by the last
As I sarcastically say
“I’m having a blast.”

May 12, 2013

Million Dollar Zombie 3-3

[Posted by Ted H]

Oh look...a job posting that requires that I have a college diploma to even apply. How rare! Now if there was only a way to hide the fact that I'm white at the interview, then I'd be in business...

The numbering system I use for these parts (1-2...2-1...3-2...Q-R) is kinda sporadic, I know. I just try to break everything up in logical cut offs, chapters if you will. So just because part 1 was done in 1 part, and part 2 was done in two shots, and part three took 3 updates, doesn't mean jack about part 4 or how many pieces it gets broken up into...just be glad when I even finish a part...

Anyway...remember these douchebags?


[Million Dollar Zombie 3-3]

            "We need gas," Jack announced as he eyed the needle on his dash board. It was the first thing either one said since escaping Cazenovia. Jerry grabbed the map which was folded up neatly in the glove compartment; they didn't need it before with Ted. Jerry used his keychain light to see as he read the map. "Manlius," he said after a moment "Just keep going this way...I think."

            Jack had been driving with his lights off, not wanting to attract unwanted attention. After getting out of Caz, the roads had been pretty straightforward, even in the dark. Jerry spent most of the time trying to raise Martin on his cell phone but was having no luck. The snow had let up by time they reached Manlius and Jack hit the lights.

            The first gas station they reached was dark and the pumps shut off. "Backwater mother fuckers shut down for the night?" Jack asked as Jerry pointed to the other side of the street where there was a diner with lights on and people inside. "Go get directions or something," he said as Jack nodded. "One sec," he said as he got out and went to the back.
            "What are you doing?" Jerry asked as he saw Jack pull out a tarp and motioned to the corpse they had. The body was partially covered in snow, but it was still obvious what it was. Jerry and Jack got on opposite sides and pulled the open tarp over it. "Think anyone will get nosey?" Jerry asked as they climbed back into the truck. "Nah," Jack said "The smell isn't that prevalent since it's so cold. We won't take that long anyway."

            Few people took  notice of the men as they entered the diner, but those that did rarely looked away as they approached the front counter. "You boys need something?" the nearby waitress asked. "We need gas," Jerry said "Know anyone around that's still open?" The waitress made a face as she thought to herself. "Not nearby," she said while shaking her head "Your best bet is DeWitt. Know how to get there?" Jerry nodded "We have a map, just looking for gas without having to go that far."

            "Well, sorry I can't be more help than that," the waitress said while looking back and forth between the two. "Hope you don't mind me saying, but you two look like shit. You sure you don't need anything else?" Other people started looking over after hearing the waitress. "I could use a coffee I guess," Jack said as Jerry shrugged in agreement. The waitress nodded. "Be right back," she said and was off.

            The two sat down at the front counter while Jerry looked around. It was a narrow front with booths lined up at the front windows. It felt almost too clich├ęd for Jerry to believe it. There weren't too many people inside eating but what struck Jerry as odd was most of them were now paying attention to him and Jack. Some were still carrying on a light conversation while others were just staring, but almost everyone had an eye on the two new people in the room.

            "You boys passing by or just new?" an middle aged man next to them asked. "Passing by," Jerry responded "What's it to you?" The man smiled "Well most people know that this town all but shuts down at night. Even the gas stations are closed by midnight."

            "Well this place seems awfully busy," Jerry said.

            "Well it's mostly laborers or people who head into DeWitt or even Syracuse for their morning commutes. Breakfast is still important ya know."


            "You boys must've been driving a while now, it's damn near 4am!"

            "Shit," Jerry said as he turned to Jack, who had buried his head in his hands.
            "When did we leave?" he asked. "11...maybe?" Jack responded without looking up "Ted did say about 5 hours depending on traffic."

            "Where you two going that can't wait till morning, anyway?" the man asked.

            "Uh...DeWitt," Jerry said quickly "Just need some gas to get there."

            "Where you from?"

            "...South of here," Jerry said, suddenly wishing the man would stop talking to them.

            "South?" A woman down the counter said suddenly "But that's not possible. No one has come from that direction all week And anyone who goes down that way..."

            "What's it to you, anyway?" Jerry said defensively.

            "Ain't nothing," the man said "Just rumors. No one's had time to travel down that road and figure it out, no one important anyway. Others haven't come back. Word is something weird happened out in Cazenovia. Word is the army is snooping around, too."
            "You were there," the woman started again "Have you heard anything? I have a sister and-"
            "We weren't in Cazenovia!" Jerry yelled, everyone in the diner now looking right at him.
            "You came in on Route 92," the man said with a puzzled look "You pretty much have to hit Caz in order to get all the way up here."
            "Back roads," Jerry said while nudging Jack.
            "You would have hit three gas stations long before the one across the street if that were true. The only gas station on 92 before this one would be in Caz. What's happening?"
            "I don't feel like waiting for coffee anymore," Jack said as he and Jerry quickly made for the exit. Various people in the diner called after them as they left, but were ignored. The men broke into a run as soon as they were outside.

            "What about gas?" Jack asked as they climbed into the truck and Jack fired up the engine.
            "We'll figure something out, but let's get the hell out of here," Jerry said as they drove off. They breezed through Manlius and were on the way to DeWitt. "Think they were right?" Jack asked "About the army or something?" Jerry bit his lip. "I hope not. Though why haven't we been hit by them by now?"
            "Cuz Ted got us there sneakily enough?" Jack suggested as Jerry gazed out the window and looking at the sky. The snow had pretty much dissipated and the sky was clear. "The weather was bad..." he said to himself and realized how exposed they were in a truck with no blizzard covering them. "Lights off," he said as Jack quickly made things dark.
            "What's w-" he asked as a loud metallic "THWACK" sounded. "What was that?" he asked as Jerry screamed "Get us out of here!" Even in the dark he could see the sound came from something landing on the hood of the front, a small hole was now present. "Drive!" he yelled. "I-I can't" Jack said as he floored the gas pedal but the truck only slowed down.

            "Guess we should have waited for that coffee," he said as the truck rolled to a stop and sat in the dark for the inevitable.

May 5, 2013

Where The Hell Were You?

[Posted by Ted H]

I use my laptop for all writing. Previously, I always used a desktop. The desktops cool, but it's always possessed by some virus or another. Over the years, I've been able to handle and successfully rid my desktop of all virus issues without having to ever buy any software...but it was never a sure thing (especially since it literally rebelled against me if I used any browser besides internet explorer.)
A couple weeks ago, my desktop was hit so hard with a virus, that it was literally unusable. I would run various system recoveries but even then the virus persisted. What was particularly daunting was that my previous laptop went completely fubar with a hardware issue back in November and I luckily was able to transfer all my writing data to the desktop via my external that I successfully had to boot my desktop all the way back to day 1, I find myself curious about the integrity of my external or any of the (no less than 3) flash drives I use to back up ALL of my writing.

I do figure however, that anything written by me that isn't in some form of hard copy will always run the inherent risk of being lost for all eternity in the event of multiple catastrophic errors on my end. But what better way to back up my work than to put every damn thing on this blog?


Anyway, this particular tale star three people I knew in college. No, their drug use is not exaggerated...mostly. One more thing was that they were pretty they would always get pissed at me for using words that were too big for them to comprehend (anything with more than 3 syllables)

...and again, this is me trying to break up the pace of constant apocalypses...also stalling for time to write, unless any of the other authors decide to ya know, show up...


[Where The Hell Were You?]
“This is taking too long.” Steve said as he entered and dropped his bag on the ground. “She’ll be back soon.” Dan said. Steve had been at work all day. During work he realized he forgot something when he moved in with Dan from his old apartment. Dan was being lazy, so he sent Brittany to get Steve’s stuff instead. That was four hours ago.

            “How much weed was it, anyway?” Dan asked. “All of it.” Steve replied.

            “How could you forget something so important?”

            “We’ve already had this conversation.”


            “Look, you said Brittany had this. So where is she?”

            “You think the cops found it?”

            Steve didn’t respond, instead him and Dan grabbed their coats and made their way to Steve’s old apartment. When Steve moved out, a friend of his, Josh, moved in, so it wouldn’t be any intrusion for Dan and Steve to barge right in. The whole way over Steve and Dan argued over whose fault it was for this situation. “Did you leave anything else there?” Dan asked. “Just an outdated word-of-the-day calendar I didn’t want.”

            When they arrived to outside the apartment, they saw Brittany creep out the front door. “What the fuck?!” Steve immediately shouted. Brittany looked up at Steve and Dan with bloodshot eyes. “Uh-oh.” Dan said before snickering. “What the fuck?!” Steve repeated “Why did you take so long?” Brittany laughed a little before finally talking.

            “The sweet plethora quickly probed my flaccid phantasm.” Steve stared at Dan who returned the same quizzical look. Steve grabbed Brittany by her shoulders and asked “What?” Brittany laughed again and said “The sweet plethora quickly probed my flaccid phantasm.”

            “I think I know where your weed went.” Dan said as Steve bit his lip and made his way up the stairs. Dan followed, dragging Brittany behind him. Steve all but kicked down the door and saw Josh sitting in the middle of the floor. “Josh…” Steve started but Josh held his hand in the air for Steve to be silent.

            “A bunch of us were here for a house warming party, then Brittany showed up. We saw her remove a floorboard in the bedroom and pull out all that weed. Everyone else convinced her to share the weed and the next thing we know, it’s all gone.” Steve balled up his fists. “How much did you smoke, Josh?” Josh shook his head. “None, but everyone else smoked it, and let me tell you, there was a lot.”

            Dan was now laughing hysterically at how all of Steve’s weed was gone. “Where are they now?” Steve asked. Josh motioned to the bedroom “I gave them some chocolate and they’ve been staying entertained by your calendar.” Steve made for the bedroom to find several people laying about, the smell of weed still thick in the air, everyone high as kites. He saw his calendar in the middle of the room, the plastic case was cracked and pages laid strewn everywhere.

            “You guys are bastards.” Steve yelled. “Hey, dude.” One of them spoke “Don’t start a quarrel. We’re trying to enjoy ourselves.” Another one spoke “Yeah, you’ll give us away to the fuzz, then they’ll discover our clandestine activity.” One more guy joined in “This guy is really irking my vibe. Kick him out.”

            “You guys smoked all my weed!” Steve shouted over the brouhaha of high people talking. “That weed was for everyone. Its selfish to think its all yours.” someone said. “Fuck you! Do you know how much that weed cost me? Not to mention that I didn’t get any of it! I call shenanigans on you fuckers!”

            “Watch your bad language!” someone said from the floor “Don’t make us ostracize you from this place of happiness.” Steve walked up and grabbed his broken calendar. “Fuck you and your big words!” he yelled as he walked out of the room.

            Dan had meanwhile been talking to Josh. “What does “sweet plethora quickly probed my flaccid phantasm” mean?” Josh suppressed a laugh. “Uh…lets just say she got into a squelch with a couple guys after getting high.” Dan and Steve’s eyes almost bugged out. “Haha! That means we had-” Brittany said before Steve cut her off and stormed back into the bedroom, already pissed about the weed, but now fueled by a more noble reason to beat the ever living snot out of everyone in the room.