April 15, 2012

Adventures in Oblivion - Where The Game Decides An NPC Should Face The Final Boss Instead

[...Posted by Ted H]

Final Oblivion Entry...more SH comming. Final Act of OurTown2 will follow that...tra-la-la-la-la!


[Adventures in Oblivion - Where The Game Decides An NPC Should Face The Final Boss Instead]

Alright, endgame time! No more fucking around. Time for the ultimate showdown between good and evil. In case you’re fuzzy on the sides, I’m representing good. Never mind all those innocents I killed off between my jailbreak and now; those were either self defense or contracted, making them very legal and not morally accountable.

Anyway, all the lesser Magoffins have been assembled so Picards son could open up another portal for me to go through and eventually retrieve the original Magoffin that was lost way back at the start of this adventure. I end up in some sort of paradise and am told I need to eventually track down some guy. I’ll spare you the details of the search and of the final confrontation that was sad and easy.

Now I’ve retrieved the Magoffin and am back in Helms Deep. Remember way back when I talked about how awesome it might be to end the game where hell on earth is happening and I need to fight my way from Helms Deep to the place where the Magoffin can be used? Yeah…not happening. Fast Travel instead? Oh yeah.

Picard’s son and I get to where we need to be only to find out the Magoffin is useless at this point as hell on earth is now in full swing. Maybe I should’ve closed a couple more Oblivion gates…Anyway, now all of hells minions are swarming the entire map and o shit everything is FUBAR! Are we actually building dramatic tension?

Picard’s son then announces he has one more idea as to how to save the world but he needs me to escort him to some alter or some shit. We’re at the endgame and I’m doing an escort mission? Are you fucking serious? Justify it all you want, it’s an escort mission! The last thing anyone wants to do in a game just happens to be the last thing you get to do for the main quest. Speaking of which…

So we get to the alter, along the way we avoid a fucking giant that I’m told is the big bad. Then I’m told that the Magoffin can be used a second way in order to defeat the big bad I was just introduced to. I kinda get excited here because maybe it will give me a way to battle the big bad. Will it make me as big as the big bad so I can fight him like any other enemy? Will it give me super spells I can use to cut that fucker down to size? Will it release a beam of light that will destroy all the bad guys but also eradicate all synthetic life in the galaxy even though that means EDI dies as-wait, wrong game.

The answers to those questions are: no, no and no. Instead, Picard’s son smashes the Magoffin onto his chest, breaking it, and transforms himself into a dragon (somehow) and faces off against the big bad. I am unable to assist, much less move, since the game has turned this into a cut scene. Blah blah blah, dragon wins, then turns to stone (for some reason) and the world is saved…no thanks to me. What the fuck was that about?

I don’t even see why I should conclude this. Picard’s son did all the work. I feel like Ilend did when I stormed the fortress back in Kvatch all alone while he stayed back: useless.

As far as epilogues go, there isn’t much to say. Most of the major characters are dead. Between the main quest and the Dark Brotherhood, I didn’t leave many people alive in my wake. Let’s see what I can cook up…


When I became the arena champion, I gained myself an adoring fan who followed me around everywhere. I left him right at the arena entrance and forgot about him. Let’s say he went on to die of hypothermia because I never came back and he always waited out in the rain for me…

The remaining members of the Dark Brotherhood soon died off since there were all of one people left to run the show. They died off and they have no one to blame but themselves for it. It’s still gone, don’t let the Skyrim DB tell you otherwise…

The few remaining citizens of Kvatch all died off. Those living right outside the city died of starvation while the guards in the city died of smoke inhalation from the fires they never felt bothered to put out.

Fuck-Your-Mountains and Shadowfax teamed up to become an unstoppable duo of horse madness. They both went on to ruin people’s day and mountains for all time.

TheoKickAssius was later given golden dragon armor, which he never used cuz he had way better armor already, and went on to acquire a way to raise the dead so he could resurrect his only friend, Ilend. When he did, he realized the real Ilend was long gone and this mindless zombie was only a shell of his friend. He then retired to his home in Bravil, where he could catch up on his reading with the 3435434 books he collected for no apparent reason.

The Fighters Guild was closed down for incompetence. Nobody misses them.

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