April 8, 2012

Adventures in Oblivion - Kill ALL The Expendables!

[...Posted by Ted H]

Holy shit! I'm actually planning to finish this thing, arent I?

Safe Haven is building up to the Act 1 climax, so I figured it best to at least wrap up this thing before I go all in elsewhere...


[Adventures in Oblivion - Kill ALL The Expendables!]

Alright, enough fucking around. Time to complete my journey and fulfill a dead mans dream. At this point I’m tasked to retrieve the Magoffin so I can stop the end of the world. How I go about this quest is, and I shit you not, find all four volumes of the necronomicon and decipher the location of the secret cult by following the clues found in all four books……………OR Google that shit!

So now I’m at the entrance of the doomsday cult. I lie and say I’m here to join and they buy it. At this point one guy takes all my items and replaces everything with a robe. Unarmed, I am led to some alter where I watch the head honcho teleport away using the Magoffin. Fuck. Then I’m told to do some shit, but instead I decide to steal a book that looks important, and judging by the immediately hostile reaction from everyone in the cult, the book was indeed important.

They’re ready to gang up on me and murder my ass. One guy took all my items and they think my naked ass is only armed with my fists and a robe I never bothered to keep on. Well they can take my clothes, they can take my shitty swords, but they can never take my quest items!

I pull out a sword that I’ve been neglecting to return to its rightful owner and ruin everyones day. Then I re-gear up and return to Picard’s son to inform him that there might be a slight snag in our save the world plan. Naturally, there’s a plan B to the whole situation…But first, fetch quests!

After Picard’s son had me run around the fucking map to retrieve a bunch of lesser-Magoffins to activate some portal or whatever. I long ago lost interest and have been just following my map marker. I’m not sure why he never sent any of his Blades lackeys to retrieve the magic objects, but I quickly recall how incompetent everyone else in this world is.

Anyway, the final piece needed is a greater sigil stone. Sigil stones are what keep the oblivion gates open. A greater sigil stone isn’t used for your run of the mill oblivion gates, no, it’s used for some major league style oblivion gate…one that just so happens to be opening soon in the nearby town….convenient?

Now, the nearby town isn’t exactly thrilled to be ground zero for what may amount to “Kvatch round 2” and since it’s the only thing between Oblivion and Helms Deep, it seems pretty important to protect, at least until I (inevitably) go to retrieve the greater stone. The only way to protect the town though is to unite every damn army in the land. And every damn army wants the same thing: “We can’t spare any men until the oblivion gate right outside our door is dealt with.”

Fucking shit! The first town I hit up for help was Anvil and I dealt with their doorway to hell quickly. Then I hit up the remains of Kvatch and was told I could have their army for free. Not much of an army though since most of them went the way of Ilend but free soldiers (even two or three) are better then none. I ended up hitting up every town for help and received the same answers before I actually went to deal with any more oblivion gates, which was a mistake. The quest marker would only update for the most recent town. So I knew which oblivion gate needed closing for Leyawiin, but every other one was a shot on the dark…and it had been quite a while since I bothered closing any gates, so I had a bunch of portals to choose from before eventually picking the right one to close for each town. It took a fucking while.

Ten years later, when I finally close all the right gates and rally support from every army, we all ride off to fight the hell spawns. What’s that Picards son? You want to lead us into battle? How very, uh, king like of you. Very noble too except for the fact that you are the only person here who is NOT expendable. Voiced objections from myself range from “ You die and everything is moot” to “Have you ever wielded a sword before? And now you want to lead a battle?” but all falls upon deaf ears. The actual battle consisted of holding out against hordes of monsters coming from oblivion gates until the big gate opened and I could rush in. It wasn’t hard to survive, not when everyone else decided to go melee and I hung out in the back with my bow.

So I get in through the big portal and it’s like every other oblivion gate run before it with the exception that I’m on the clock. Take too long and some doomsday weapon makes it through the portal and destroys everything or something. All I know is I should have the portal closed within 10 minutes, let alone 15 or 20.

By time I grab me the stone and close all the gates, just about every other expendable character managed to bite the dust. Monk-master, that one remaining useless guard from way back in the beginning and almost every out-of-town fighter laid dead throughout the battlefield. No matter, Picard’s son and I are the only ones who matter at this point. Picard’s son says he’s gonna rush back to Helms Deep to set up the portal or some shit. I dick around for a while more before deciding it best to just get this whole fucking game over with already…

Next time: The end game I have nothing to do with...

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