March 12, 2017

Pure Human - To the Gas Station

[Posted by Ted H]

Finding time to finish....go figure...

[Pure Human - To the Gas Station]

            The rain continued to fall hard as the storms wind only intensified. Blake marveled at it as he stepped out the car while under the relative protection offered at the gas station pump overhead. John didn't need the gas, but he had mentioned to Blake that this would be where everyone from earlier would meet up. Blake spied a familiar face looking out at him from the station doors; One of the clerks who rudely denied him cigarettes before. Blake held up a pack and stuck his tongue out at them.
            "Mature," John said as he and Blake watched through the rain as two more cars drove in towards them. A flash of lightning briefly illuminated the women in their cars; Kimberly, who was afraid of the sudden lightning, and Whitey, who wore a stern expression as she drove by.
            "How nice of you to wake up and join us," Whitey mocked as she stepped out.
            "Don't you have someone else to annoy at this point?" Blake spat back.
            "What happened to you?" Kimberly asked as she ran over.
            "Our big bad is scared," Blake said "We need to figure out why and stop whatever he's trying."
            "Didn't you just get done earlier saying how we were in an optimistic situation?" John questioned. Blake sighed before continuing. "That was before he made a play at me," he responded "Apparently he has a different way to win that we weren't anticipating."
            "Seriously?" John asked.
            "Yeah," Blake said "He told me pretty much that my usefulness had ended, or something like that."
            "So you were assisting the enemy!" Whitey screamed loud enough to be heard by the gas station attendant through the storm. "Simmer down!" John yelled. "No, it makes sense," Whitey said "That's how you've been one step ahead of me this entire time!"
            "Then why did the ghost man attack him?" Kimberly asked. "Betrayed by your master," Whitey scoffed "Cry me a river."
            "Are you done?" Blake asked "Because I've been one step ahead because unlike you, I'm no amateur. This is my job." John stepped between them. "Calm down, both of you," he said "Blake, what usefulness were we providing him?"
            "Beats me," Blake said as he shrugged "All we've done since arriving is find his pets' crime scenes and kill one of them off."
            "Maybe they get stronger when there's fewer?" John asked "Like they all share the same power supply. One less using the power means more for everyone else?"
            "Nah," Blake said "Then why bother creating seven? One or two would suffice."
            "Maybe ghost guy knows how to be stronger to give his creations more juice!" Brittany said excitedly.
            "No. Guys," Blake started "He wants to amplify his influence, not strengthen its impact."
            "Amplify the what?" Kimberly asked.
            "Make it easier his thing," John said.
            "He needs a better connection," Blake said "Right now he's stuck influencing people under a very specific situation. I guess he's trying to find an easier way to interact with people."
            "He would need a physical body for that," Whitey said.
            "Then why not just possess you instead of try to get you killed?" John asked.
            "And how would you be useful for a physical body?" Kimberly asked.
            Blake thought about it for a moment while a flash of lightning lit everything up nearby. His eyes then went wide as he looked to John. "We need to get to Anin, now!" he shouted. "What?" John asked. "Who?" Kimberly said. "They weren't trying to kill her last night," Blake said "They were going to abduct her!"
            "Holy shit," John said as he sprinted around to the drivers side. "What's going on?" Whitey yelled. "Just follow us, no time!" Blake yelled as he climbed into the car as John started the engine and peeled out back into the storm. "Ok, I know we just did a thing back there," John said as he drove "But I'm a little fuzzy on the details. What's going on with Anin?"
            "Why didn't those things do anything to her back at the house?" Blake asked.
            "Because they're insane?"
            "Vitaearnus needs to strengthen his influence. His goal is to corrupt more people into his monsters with less effort."
            "And how do we and Anin factor into that?"
            "We brought Anin here...and Anin has already exhibited an ability to delve into another person's mind."
            "I thought Anin can only passively observe or some shit, not actually do anything inside someone's brain?"
            "She can open the door, so to speak, which is the hard part."
            "Aw man," John said "This is our fault."
            "Nah," Blake said as he contemplated his shortening cigarette "He's been reaching out to her in her dreams for a while before she came to us. One way or another she'd have ended up here. At least this way we're in a position to help her."
            "But can we actually do anything?"
            "Just drive. Fast."

February 18, 2017

Pure Human - Doing a Thing

[Posted by Ted H]

Wow....There's a really good excuse....I'm just not gonna talk about it...


[Pure Human - Doing a Thing]

            Blake needed a moment to understand where he was when he awoke. The world was zooming passed in with darkness, driving rain and bright lights. It took longer than it should have for Blake to realize that he was looking up at streetlights while riding in John's car. "Good morning, princess," John said as Blake rubbed his eyes and sat up from his slouched position. "How long was I out?" Blake asked. "Long enough to have to be carried out," John responded without looking over.
            "Any resistance from those things?" Blake asked as he turned his head to see there was someone in the back seat.
            "Nah," John said "They set fire to the building and made for the hills.
            "Whimps," Blake muttered as he looked to Bryant, handcuffed and holding his injured foot. "Why is he here?" John didn't look away from the road as he said "Would you prefer we leave him to his own devices?"
            "I'd prefer if we tossed him off a bridge," Blake said "You can follow him, too. I thought you said you had him detained?"
            "He was. I had to uncuff him and toss him in here after dragging your ass out."
            "Then how did the building conveniently catch fire?"
            "They did it," Bryant said in a low voice.
            "And they spared you?" Blake asked, skepticism heavy in his voice.
            "I guess they had better things to do."
            John turned away from the road long enough to exchange a look with Blake. Blake then looked back to Bryant and shook his head. "I can shenanigans," he said "Those things don't tend to spare many in their wake. Two people I can think of weren't killed on sight, and those things instead messed heavily with both of them. So you're going to sit there and tell me that they passed you without even a second thought?"
            "Are you honestly going to try and attribute rational thought or motives to those things?" Bryant asked. "Yes," Blake said without missing a beat "Because underneath all that monster and psychotic actions, they're ultimately human." Bryant gave Blake a stern look as the other man turned back around. "Where's your phone?" Blake asked John as he worked a cigarette into his mouth.
            "In my pocket," John said "Can whatever you need wait?"
            "Seriously?" Blake asked "Which pocket?"
            "Stay out of my pants."
            "Be mature. This is important."
            "What's so important that can't wait five God damn minutes?"
            "I just woke up from a Mister Anus attack, and you're wondering what the rush is? I need to call Matthew."
            "What did you call him?" Bryant asked from the back, being ignored.
            "If Matthew had an update," John said "I'm sure he'd have notified us by now."
            "Maybe hearing what just happened to me will narrow down his search," Blake mumbled as he flicked his lighter.
            "Probably not. I'm sure what Anus did back there isn't uncommon."
            "What are you both, twelve?" Bryant said. "Can you not talk right now?" Blake said as he turned around with a freshly lit cigarette and looked to Bryant.
            "I'm just saying," Bryant protested "There's a supernatural monstrosity out there, responsible for all the death and torment going around, that you're making fun of their name. You really think it wise to antagonize something like that?"
            "I do," Blake said as he blew smoke at Bryant "And besides, Anus isn't the true monstrosity behind the death and torment. That would be you." Bryant glared at Blake as he blew more smoke and turned back around. "What have I said about smoking in my car?" John asked, annoyed. "Shut up," Blake said "I was doing a thing."

January 29, 2017


[Posted by Ted H] yeah, I've all but forgotten this site. Next week I'll be around...hopefully...

I've got plans for the year, including my return to NaNoWriMo, but 1st things first: Let's finish Pure Human...

December 11, 2016

Pure Human - Dead on a Mountain

[Posted by Ted H]

So...Gonna put up my 2017 New Years Resolution to post with more regularity. Pure Human is almost done...but in my drive to get to the finish, I keep forgetting to actually update the site...


[Pure Human - Dead on a Mountain]

            Blake should be cold, common sense dictated that since he was sitting near the peak of a mountain. He was quite comfortable though in just his trench coat. He idly thought of a cigarette, but he questioned his ability to light it with the wind blowing the way it was. "I don't particularly feel like looking around," he announced with surprising clarity and volume despite his location, a further indicator that he wasn't actually where he was perceived to be.
            The Faded Man appeared before him, walking up the mountain. "Would you prefer the park again?" he asked as he reached Blake, who stood up. "Nah, that's Anin's dream world," Blake said as he looked about to the cloudy view of his mountain top. "Makes me wonder," he continued "Is the park from Anin's dream world a real park, or just something random?"
            "Is this mountain real?" the Faded Man asked back.
            "Well this IS Everest, right?" Blake said "Or at least what I envision it to be. I doubt you picked it, since I was thinking of it on my own at the time you so rudely intruded my personal space."
            "You bring your dead to the top of a mountain?" the Faded Man asked as Blake began to understand the original question.
            "Not really," Blake said "Everest is no joke. You die, you're left behind. Already too dangerous to begin. Main focus is still how do you get yourself down; no time to think about the dead." The Faded Man furrowed his eyebrows at the statement. "It's odd, I know," Blake said as he looked towards the nearest body to where he sat "But it's a cruel world, isn't that right 'green boots'?" The dead body nearby did not respond.
            "Hmm," Blake muttered "I figured this is my world, I could get him to do something. Maybe I need to focus-"
            The Faded Man cleared his throat, grabbing Blake's attention.
            "Right, whatever," Blake said "So why are we here? A bit early to gloat."
            "You've served your purpose. I'd rather dispose of you now while I have a chance, even if the best I can muster is incapacitating you in a fire."
            "Hoping it slows my friends down and they all get caught in the blaze?" Blake tossed out.
            "Or they just leave you behind, whichever works."
            "What's the matter? I get one of your precious monsters killed and now you don't want me around?"
            "They are expendable, more so once my influence becomes amplified."
            "What makes you think you can even amplify yourself? You've relied on some pretty specific circumstances to this point in order to gain access into people. And what's to say you're gonna be allowed to even get stronger?"
            "Like you even have an inkling on how to stop me," the Faded Man taunted.
            "Then why bother with all of this? If I don't have a clue on how to win, why even concern yourself with my involvement?
            The Faded Man said nothing and smirked at Blake in a way that annoyed him. The kind of smirk you give to someone oblivious to something completely obvious to you. The superior smirk of a smug ass that made Blake want to walk over and pummel the Faded Man until he stopped. As he felt the anger, Blake noticed the wind around him start to pick up and have a bite to it as it blew passed his face. "We're done here," he said.
            "You don't decide anything," the Faded Man replied.
            "You want to strut around and show off how powerful you are," Blake said as he stood up "Show off the hold you have on humans and complain how this is your world and blah blah blah. Funny thing is, right now, you're in my world." At Blake's command, the wind of the mountain began to blow in one direction at the Faded Man, trying to blow him down the mountain.
            "Adorable," the Faded Man commented but ultimately held his footing "But this vessel is of my original creation."
            "And just like Earth, you no longer hold true control over it anymore," Blake shouted over the winds as all the dead on the mountain began to rise up and run for the Faded Man. They were pushed away at first, but soon they numbered too many as they collided to smother the Faded Man. Blake then willed a tremor through the mountain that triggered an avalanche. The falling snow began down the mountain, but curved its path to avoid Blake and head straight for the Faded Man, who was slowly being pushed back away by the wind and the dead.
            The Faded Man struggled to poke his head through the dead and to face Blake briefly before the avalanche hit. He then spoke in such a way that his voice cut through the sound of wind and chaos around to be heard clearly by Blake. "I look forward to twisting you into my pure creation once more." Before Blake even cared to respond, the avalanche crashed through and everyone was gone.

November 24, 2016

Pure Human - Pecking Order

[Posted by Ted H]

Here's a super awesome 1st ever Thanksgiving update!


[Pure Human - Pecking Order]

            "Why are you here?" Blake demanded as he walked in to seem Whitey praying over a tattered corpse. "Don't take that tone with me!" Whitey yelled back. "And you!" Blake turned to yell at John "I told you to be white on rice with Bryant, not white on fried rice. Where is he?"
            "Detained," John said "And hobbled."
            "Oh," Blake said as he nodded approvingly "Good enough."
            "You would approve of unwarranted violence," Whitey snapped.
            "If it makes my job easier, you'd be surprised at what I approve of," Blake said "Now how in the world did you even get here?"
            "That coat of yours isn't exactly subtle. It's a beacon of energy that's just calling out for me to smite it."
            "Whatever," Blake dismissed her "You do realize it sends mixed signals when you show up randomly like this when I'm working, right?" Whitey scoffed as she turned to continue praying over a body. "Don't bother praying for whoever that was. In case it isn't obvious, we're at ground zero for all this chaos, and these guys were responsible."
            "No one is above prayer," Whitey said.
            Blake rolled his eyes and turned away from Whitey as she prayed softly to herself. "What now?" John asked "I know he's mostly harmless and all, but I'm not too sure about being in the same building as the fading guy."
            "We plan more accordingly," Blake said, contemplating a cigarette "We know the limitations of Vitaearnus, we know there were seven of those creatures (now six) and we know those things are extremely fragile so long as none of them get the drop on you."
            "So...optimism?" John asked.
            "I know, right?" Blake said "This feels a little weird. Usually we're-" Blake cut himself off as he snapped his attention to the hallway heading to the stairs. "Something's here," he said.
            "Bryant?" John asked as he readied his gun. "Nah," Blake said as he pulled Kimberly behind him. "I don't hear anything," Whitey said. "Whispers...Clicking," Blake said as John's eyes went wide and he trained his gun at the door. "Only one way in here," John said as he aimed "Even those things can't be that foolish, right?"
            "They're not," Blake said "But they're out there."
            "Well there's only one way in here," John said "So let's hope they're as suicidal as we hope."
            "Sounds like they're more likely to wait for us to foolishly try to escape," Whitey said "Only way in is also the only way out."
            "Wait," Kimberly said "More of those things? Like what you had me look at before? They catch fire in sunlight or whatever. How did any of them come here?"
            "Weather was about to get pretty bad when I was last out there," John said "Pretty dark looking."
            "Convenient," Blake mumbled.
            "How did they even know to come here?" Kimberly asked.
            "They were created here," Whitey spat as she readied herself "They most likely live here."
            "You don't murder your way to freedom just to live next to your old cage," Blake said.
            "Well then they probably were drawn to your evil energy," Whitey replied "Same way I found you."
            Blake rolled his eyes, then spun his head around in realization. "That's why he was here!" he cried out.
            "Who?" John asked without looking over, eyes trained on the only exit.
            "Vitaearnus," Blake said "Called his children home to do his dirty work."
            "I knew finding you was a bad idea," Whitey said as she pressed her hands together and began whispering a prayer into them.
            "You kidding me?" Blake asked "For once you're actually involved in the case!"
            "Guys," Kimberly interrupted "Nothing is coming."
            "Hmmm," John said "Maybe camouflage?"
            "We'd still hear them, and they're not getting closer," Blake said
            "Maybe they're using stealth," Whitey said condescendingly "Or do you not know why camouflage is a thing?"
            "They can't camouflage like that you tit, they're night dwelling creatures by nature," Kimberly shouted "How do you not know this?"
            "Stay out of this," Whitey said "This doesn't concern you. Blake was foolish to risk your life by involving you."
            "Are you serious?" Kimberly said "I just got here while you've been looking into this for way longer. And I still know more about these things than you." Whitey flashed a shocked look which soon turned to anger. She was about to respond when John interjected. "Can we focus, please?" he yelled.
            "Relax," Kimberly said "They're waiting for us to make a move."
            "How are you sure?" Blake asked.
            "We're in a bit of an entrenched position," Kimberly said "And with your ghost buddy calling out orders, he know it'd be suicide to charge in after us. So they obviously need to get us out of here first."
            "And how would they do that?" Blake asked.
            "Obviously burn us out, duh. Set fire to everything and wait for us to evacuate."   
            "How would you think a fire?" John asked.
            Kimberly was silent for a moment while eyeing everyone. "Does no one else smell the smoke?" she asked. Blake and John looked at each other quickly before smelling the air. "It's faint," John said "But something is burning, yeah."
            "When were you going to say something!" Blake shouted.
            "I thought you knew!" Kimberly shouted back "How could you not smell that right away! I thought you just had some big James-Blake-style plan to get the upper hand and that's why we were waiting around in a burning building."
            "Seriously?!" Blake shouted "Even if I did have a plan, step one would still be get out of the freakin fire!"
            "Well do you have a plan now, or what?" Kimberly asked
            Blake sighed before looking to the others. "John, take point. Whitey, hang back and watch our six," he said before turning back to Kimberly "You, stay behind me."
            John nodded and slowly walked into the hallway, gun drawn. Blake followed with Kimberly right behind. Whitey checked back to where the fading man had been before she followed, ready to strike at anything approaching. They made it to the stairwell, the smell of smoke building as they made their way.
            The sounds of crackling flames from above enveloped the stairwell as they entered and a bright red light shone from the opening at the top. "That's not a good sign," John commented as he began up, gun raised "I'll scout ahead quick and make sure it's safe. "Hold up," Blake said as he heard a strong and angry whisper behind him. John ignored him and continued up.
            Blake still had enough remnants of the blue chalk on his hand, so he dug his lighter back out and casted the shadow trick and checked back the way they came. Walking passed Whitey and heading for Blake was the fading man again. The shadow he was casting suggested him raising his arms towards Blake's head. "What's going on back th-" was all Blake heard John say before darkness overtook him and he collapsed.
            "Oh you've got to be kidding me," Whitey said as she quickly backed up. Kimberly sprinted through the hall, foolishly passed where Blake just fell, and hid behind Whitey as John came barreling down the stairs. Whitey prepped her hands with glowing light and held them in front of herself, set to hold off the invisible adversary somewhere in front of her.
            "What the hell happened?" John asked as he ran over to Blake. "Don't go near there!" Whitey called. "Why?" John questioned. "Invisible man!" Kimberly yelled. "And how do you expect to escape?" John asked "You're on the wrong side of the hall to be afraid of something invisible in it."
            Neither girl answered him as he reached Blake and crouched down. He was alive, but out cold. "This is where you'd say something dumb and snarky," John whispered as he pulled Blake's arm up and grabbed his lighter "You'd mock everyone and say something about how if something was going to happen it would've already happened."
            John hoped that Blake's shadow casting trick didn't require the user to be conscious. He ignited the lighter and held Blake's chalked hand out behind it, careful to avoid setting the man's hand on fire. The blue hue flashed out towards the girls to reveal nothing unseen near them. John then adjusted to show the other end of the hallway. The faded man was nowhere to be seen or unseen.
            "Where did he go?" Whitey asked as she calmed her hands down. "Maybe he stole James' soul and escaped with it!" Kimberly threw out there. "Are you two really gonna question this now? With a burning building over us?" John yelled as he grabbed Blake's body and threw it over his shoulder.
            "Wait!" Whitey cried out "Those creatures may still be up there!"
            "Your point?" John asked as he held out his handgun with his free arm.
            "Can you fight them while carrying Blake?"
            "Not really sure, but it's not like either of you can carry a grown ass man out of a burning building."
            "No, this really the safest option for everyone?"
            "Are you suggesting we leave Blake behind?"
            Whitey bit her lip, unsure of what to say before she finally answered "...No, but..."
            "Learn the pecking order," John said as he started for the stairs.

November 1, 2016

NaNoWriMo 2016

[Posted by Ted H]


Between building a house, moving, starting a new job and getting me some advancement in said new job, 2016 hasn't really offered much to me in the way of time to write. Hell, I haven't had a chance to finish writing Pure Human let alone do much anything else besides pounding out the Diary of the Dead review.

So I'm in no condition to attempt NaNoWriMo this year. By no means will I not participate. This will be my 10th straight year; lip service at the very least must be made. But I'll make no serious attempt at 50,000 words...and ya know what? That's ok. Last year I pulled off the 3-peat. Over 150,000 words over the span of 90 nonconsecutive days. I could use a year off.

...................SO, what's the plan, then? Finally cap off Pure Human? Maybe. Or maybe I'll use this month to fire off a not-so-major endeavor. Only time will tell. Stay tuned.

October 14, 2016

The 2016 MLB Turtle-Wax Awards

[Posted by Ted H]

You'd think I'd forget this year?


[The 2016 MLB Turtle-Wax Awards]

These are the awards you DON'T want to win.

The "Rays And Orioles Would Rather Play In This Division" Award
Awarded to the crappiest division in baseball
[Previous winners: 2009 AL Central, 2010 AL West, 2011 AL Central, 2012 AL Central, 2013 AL West, 2014 NL East, 2015 NL East]

---The American League Central: Indians, Royals, Tigers, Twins, White Sox---

So, right away the first thing that pops out for these guys is that the Indians won the division. The Indians. How many of those 94 wins came against their crappy division foes? The Twins lost 100 games! Only the Tigers had a shot at the wild card while the east had 3 teams and the west had 2! The defending champs were a crappy .500 team and the White Sox did their usual routine of pretending to compete before they fade away into obscurity.


The "Steroid Accusation Rookie Of The Year" Award
Awarded to the slugger who is probably gonna get accused of steroids next, if not already
(I am NOT accusing the winner of steroids, just sayin...)
[Previous winners: 2009 Aaron Hill (TOR), 2010 Corey Hart (MIL), 2011 Jacoby Ellsbury (BOS), 2012 Edwin Encarnacion (TOR), 2013 Chris Davis (BAL), 2014 Victor Martinez (DET), 2015 Nolan Arenado (COL)]

---Brian Dozier of the Minnesota Twins---
2016 HR total: 42
Previous Career High: 28 in 2015.

My first thought when looking at home run leaders for the season: Brian Dozier?
My next thought: Brian fucking Dozier?
2nd baseman Brian Dozier?
Are you fucking kidding me? Brian Dozier?


The "What The Hell Happened To You?" Award
Awarded to the team that fell off the map when they were supposed to be contenders
[Previous winners: 2009 New York Mets, 2010 Seattle Mariners, 2011 Cincinnati Reds, 2012 Miami Marlins, 2013 California Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, 2014 Milwaukee Brewers, 2015 Seattle Mariners]

---The Kansas City Royals ---

Defending champions. Playing in baseballs weakest division. The same division as the 100 loss Twins. The same division as the freakin Indians. Back-to-back pennants, so the last couple years weren't a mistake. Guys, what happened?


The "Shut Your God Damn Mouth" Award
Awarded to whoever talked too much without backing it up
[Previous winners: 2009 Chicago Cubs, 2010 MLB Network, 2011 Carlos Zambrano (CHC), 2012 Boston Red Sox, 2013 Jordany Valdespin (NYM), 2014 Keith Olberman (ESPN), 2015 Boston Red Sox]

---Boston Red Sox fans---

They signed David Price.
Then, as per the usual, the fans (ESPN included) talked about how that was a pennant clinching move because apparently that's all that was lacking for this crappy team to go from irrelevant to world champions. Whatever.
Then the season started and Price struggled. Bad. And all the fans lined up to make excuses.
Then he stopped sucking and all the fans were back to being cocky.
Then the playoffs came. And here's the thing about David Price in October-he's not very good in October. And with the Red Sox trailing 1-0 in the ALDS, Price steps to the mound and what does he do? He sucks. Red Sox get swept and the universe comes back to order.
Until next year, you fucking idiots.


The "This Years Miracle, Next Years Indians" Award
Awarded to the team that made a surprise playoff run this year, and will fall short next year
[Previous winners: 2009 Colorado Rockies, 2010 Tampa Bay Rays, 2011 Tampa Bay Rays, 2012 Baltimore Orioles, 2013 Cleveland Indians, 2014 Kansas City Royals, 2015 Houston Astros]

---The Cleveland Indians ---

This was a tough call. The Giants and Mets both look poised to disappear, but then again, the Indians are the Indians. They are incapable of being good for consecutive years. Plus, the Tigers are poised and lord knows maybe the Royals will show up next year.

(I am 5-2 in making this prediction. My mistakes are because the 2011 Red Sox choked, allowing the Rays to make the cut, and the 2015 AL Central being dreadful...)


The "This Years Phillies, Next Years Miracle" Award
Awarded to a team that sucked this year, but can make a run next year
[Previous winners: 2009 Chicago White Sox, 2010 Chicago White Sox, 2011 Washington Nationals, 2012 Seattle Mariners, 2013 New York Yankees, 2014 Chicago Cubs, 2015 Detroit Tigers]

---The New York Yankees---

Gary. Sanchez.


The "AAA Team In Disguise" Award
Awarded to a team that might have better luck in AAA
[Previous winners: 2009 Washington Nationals, 2010 Pittsburgh Pirates, 2011 Boston Red Sox, 2012 Houston Astros, 2013 Miami Marlins, 2014 Texas Rangers, 2015 Philadelphia Phillies]

---The Minnesota Twins---
It took you 10 tries to win your first game this season. We all knew at that point to just buckle up and get ready for a looooooong season after that.


The "Dull Knife In The Drawer" Award
Awarded to the biggest mental error this year
[Previous winners: 2009 Washington Nati(o)nals, 2010 Barak Obama, 2011 Brian Sabean (SF), 2012 Derek Norris (OAK), 2013 Mark Pagnozzi (HOU), 2014 Michael Pineda (NYY), 2015 Arte Moreno (LAA)]

---Buster Posey of the San Francisco Giants---

Buster Posey. Best catcher in baseball. Clutch hitter. Can't run the bases for shit, apparently.
In extra innings of an August 8th game against the Marlins, Posey went from 1st to 3rd on a base hit and literally interpreted what a "head first" slide was as he went into 3rd base face first. Personally, I could watch that slide all day....but really though, Buster, we aren't that long removed from you having a season ending injury from a slide/collision (legal, BTW), so why risk injuring yourself again with a dumb and awkward slide?


The "Results May Vary" Award
Awarded to a player/team that didn't live up to the hype
[Previous winners: 2010 Stephen Strasburg (WAS), 2011 Carl Crawford (BOS), 2012 Los Angeles Dodgers, 2013 Toronto Blue Jays, 2014 Boston Red Sox, 2015 Robinson Cano (SEA)]

---The San Diego Padres ---

Hey, remember when the Padres made a lot of offseason noise with the players they acquired? Then the regular season started off in opposite fashion that the world beating expectations they set for themselves? Then AJ Preller (GM) decided to trade everyone away and talk shit on their way out. James Shields was the big one, but apparently no one could handle being a Padre....How's last place taste, Preller? Oh that's right, you're suspended. Even the no expectations Diamondbacks finished with a better record. In fact, only the Twins finished with a worse record than you, and they too had zero expectations.


The "Ozzie Kind Of Crazy" Award
Awarded to the manager who had the most entertaining season to watch
[Previous winners: 2012 Bobby Valentine (BOS), 2013 Joe Girardi (NYY), 2014 Kirk Gibson (ARI), Matt Williams (WAS)]

---Joe Girardi of the New York Yankees---

"But what about A Rod, Joe?"
That question is going to haunt Girardi for a long time. A Rod finally decides to leave the Yankees and Girardi wants to go about business as usual. But no, A Rod wants to play 3rd one last time, and Girardi is more or less "Ha ha, no." right after he said "Well sure buddy, why not!" So, yeah, a little inconsistency. But while Girardi looks like the bad guy for not letting A Rod play one last game at 3rd for a team everyone wrote off for dead, Girardi is busy trying to get his team back into contention...and playing A Rod would be counterintuitive to that plan. Funny thing is, the Yankees eventually clawed their way back into contention, but everyone forgot it was because Girardi stuck to his guns and didn't treat A Rods final week with the team as a joke and instead stuck to his usual lineups that included A Rod mostly riding bench.


The "Go Stand in the Corner!" Award
Awarded to the most standout suspension of the season
[Previous winners: 2013 Ryan Braun (MIL), 2014 Alex Rodriguez (NYY), 2015 Jonathan Papelbon (WAS)]

---Rougned Odor of the Texas Rangers---
Crime: Punching Jose Bautista in the face
Time: 7 games

Worth it.


The "They'll Let Anybody Pitch" Award
Awarded to the pitcher who should never have been allowed near a mound
[Previous winners: 2014 Kevin Correia (LAD), Rick Porcello (BOS)]

---James Shields of the Chicago White Sox---

6-19...5.85 ERA...only 135 Ks in 181.2 innings...40 home runs allowed...and a .288 batting average against.

That's crap, and we all expect so much more out of James Shields. Last year his numbers across the board were way better and he was expected to lead a "better" Pares team this season...then he sucked and was shipped out to the White Sox just in time for their team wide collapse. I should split this award for both teams he was on this year, but he was slightly less crappy with the Padres...and while the White Sox were already in free fall mode when they acquired Shields, it seems his arrival only solidified their collapse.


The "Just Retire Already!" Award
Awarded to the player on the wrong side of 35 that still thinks he can play
[Previous winner: 2015 Bartolo Colon (NYM)]

---Alex Rodriguez of the [Team Not Found]---
Age: 41

Whoa whoa whoa, wait! A Rod retired! Right?
No, Rodriguez was released by the Yankees and they offered him some job in the organization. He never said anything about retirement. Hell, for a hot minute after leaving the Yankees, he gave serious thought to joining the Marlins. Until A Rod actually says he's retired, I'm not ready to believe he's actually retired. Until then, don't be shocked to see A Rod as some teams Non-roster Invite to spring training.