Rapture?

[...Posted by Ted H]

For the uninitiated, I ran previous blogs in the past, nothing like this one though. Usually I would try random things with writing or post shameless advertising/DVD reviews (woo! Free stuff!) but the majority of those posts centered not around creative writing, but some good old fashioned ranting.

Theyre crude, rough, and always done in 1 draft, unedited. Swearing is usually encouraged because it makes it feel more like a rant as opposed to a soap box lecture. Soap box lectures are boring and preachy...rants are fun. I'm not trying to do anything special here, just throw some thoughts off my mind for the sheer benefit of amusing myself and hopefully others. I had some gems in the past I wish I held onto.

The need to rant is trivial nowadays, and theyre not nearly as entertaining to do now as they were back in the day, but whatever. I figured what with everyone in the world having this sudden and perverse obsession with the upcomming "rapture" I should at least throw this rant out there...

Rants will be few and far between, but this one has a purpose.
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[Rapture?]

Where the fuck was I when we all decided the rapture was back on? Seriously? I thought we all agreed that 2012 was the be all end all of life on earth? Who the fuck came up with May 21, 2011 anyway? Harold Camping? The same guy who said 1994 was suppose to be the rapture? How’d that work out for ya boy? Yeah, between you and the Mayans, Im pretty sure this whole end of days things is concrete.

But then again, who the fuck cares. Lets say for arguments sake, that the rapture does indeed happen on May 21. Ya know what happens? “True believers” or whatever will be “called” to heaven. Its estimated that about 200 million people will be raptured…for those who failed their math courses, that’s a whopping 2-3% of the entire population of earth. Ya know, Im pretty sure Ill be going to work on Monday with those numbers.

Give me a reason to get excited over all this because Im pretty damn sure I don’t quite qualify for the top 2% of humanity. And if I somehow did, that’d be saying something about the state of society. Even if I did, Id demand to go back to earth. Why? Cuz I wanna see how it all will go down. Its freaking Armageddon ova here! Why wouldn’t I want a front row seat?

Maybe this will be the beginning of a zombie thing or something! Maybe all those chosen 2% will be raptured spiritually, but their bodies remain and get reanimated as the living dead. 200 million aint that many people, but that’s a fuck load of zombies. 200 million zombies. God damn that’s bad.

Imagine. BOOM-rapture! You’re in the grocery store and some old woman falls over. Everyone thinks she’s dead. Theres confusion because a few other people in the store mysteriously died all of a sudden as well. Then they all stir, and each bite whoever was trying to help them. You quickly realize that it’s a zombie and grab a blunt object and bash the old woman’s head in.

Good job. Zombie dead. But wait, the man she bit before is turning, as is all the other bitten people. What was 4 zombies is now 7! You quickly kill the new zombie before he could infect others, but the other 6 zombies have now killed. Now there are 12 zombies. You fight your way out and kill a few, but 20 zombies still remain. There were 4 at first, now there’s 24. And that’s only in the store you just left.

200 million zombies could very well become 400 million before you even get home. Do you know what this means? Las Vegas is the only safe place to be on Saturday! That and…wait. What was I talking about? Ah yes, the rapture.


Fuck the rapture. On May 22, That Camping dude will be offering an explanation as to why the reckoning hasn’t come yet and we’ll all get a good chuckle over it. Then he’ll pull another arbitrary date out of his bible and the cycle will begin anew.

1843? Nope
1844? Nope
1914? Nope
1918? Nope
1925? Nope
1942? Nope
1981? Nope
1988? Nope
1989? Nope
1992? Nope
1993? Nope
1994? Nope
2000? Nope
2011? Nope

Whos next? Newton? Really? Isaac Newton offered his 2 cents on a rapture date? Well, see you all in 2060 then...