March 3, 2013

Why LAND OF THE DEAD sucked pt.4

[...Posted by Ted H]

Busy week of working...
......So yeah, more bitching about a bad movie until I have actual free time...

.........aaaaaaaaand we have a new author pending. Whenever he decides to accept the invite and start posting is up to him though...

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

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[Why LAND OF THE DEAD sucked pt.4]


Part 4: Nothing makes sense anymore! 

I seem to be just a little bit critical of this movie and there are reasons for such behavior. I do it out of love. As stated before, the Dead trilogy are some of my favorite movies of all time; each standing out in their own distinct way.

 Now if this were just another bad zombie movie, it would earn a pass from my wrath and just be ignored by me. But two reasons prevent this. The primary reason is it's directed by Romero. He should know better than to try and pass this garbage off as one of his own. But even then, there lied the potential for me to still ignore. The catalyst, the true lynchpin of my ire is the fact that Romero attempted to pass this off as a continuation of the original Dead trilogy. It can still be ignored theoretically, but the knowledge that this movie is in the same universe as the original three just further irritates me.

 What really pisses me off is how Romero tried to drive home the fact that this is all in the same universe: Enter Tom Savini reprising his role from Dawn of the Dead (1975) but now in zombie form, or at least trying to pass him off as the same character. It shouldn't since that guy didn't die from zombies, he died by getting shot in the chest and falling into a fountain. There is not bullet hole in this guys shirt so either this is more sloppy work or it's just needless pandering to the crowd to invoke emotions tied to a much better zombie movie so the audience feels better about this steaming pile. All it did for me is piss me off even more. It's one thing to suck on your own...but it's an entirely different thing to suck and try to bring down an entire franchise with you on the way.

 Anyway, some guys with guns show up and start shooting the retarded cannibals in their torsos, because apparently nobody knows how to fight zombies many years into the zombie apocalypse. Then one of the nazi security guys abandons his post because RICH people are EVIL and apparently COWARDS.

 Cut to Cholo getting bit by a ninja zombie, the fakest looking zombie of them all. Seriously, that was the best you could do? That ninja zombie though gave off the impression of an anorexic old person who couldn't run ten feet without breaking one of their decrepit legs...and I'm suppose to just believe that it managed to sneak up right next to Cholo out of nowhere? Fuck that.

 But now Cholo is infected and we are about to witness Cholo's boy having the most logical and legitimate reaction to another person being bitten. I was so impressed by this, that I've decided to call him by his name: Foxy (...and I regret that already) So Foxy points his shotgun at Cholo but doesn't fire. At this point in the movie you would expect him to either run away like a pussy, or just shoot him in cold blood because of the clich├ęd "You're infected, so I need to make sure you won't kill me when you turn" bull shit. Remember how it took the whore about three seconds to kill the Bull Fighter guy earlier? Yeah, and she was a good guy.

 Foxy gives Cholo the choice if he wants to be mercy killed and Cholo declines, instead giving some BS about wanting to see how zombies live or some shit. They eventually ride off towards FG together, because Cholo is still Cholo despite the infection and isn't just gonna turn in three seconds and try to kill anyone like this were some other shitty movie about not-zombies named 28 Days Later.

 Cut to more ineffective shooting that featured maybe one head shot (by accident probably). One retarded cannibal catches fire and then Big Daddy mercy kills it because it was crying out in pain from the fire. WHAT? THE? FUCK! WHAT THE FUCK! WHAT THE FUCK! WHAT THE FUCK! WHAT THE FUCK! WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!?!

 Don't even talk to me about zombies anymore. Don't even try. If you need any more convincing, look to Big Daddy picking up a jackhammer and giving off the most accurate retard laugh I have ever heard in a movie. On a side note: who the hell was even jackhammering in the middle of the night anyway? Then the retarded cannibals arm up with various tools as they make their way to the rich section of FG. To that I say...I'll allow it. The mental capacity to use basic tools was long since established in better Romero movies. (Simple tools does not include jackhammers and assault rifles though.)

 Cut to Cholo and Foxy as Cholo gets dropped off near FG. Cholo has a bone to pick with Kaufman before he dies and lets Foxy ride away. Foxy actually survives this shit, which I forgot happens. Usually bad zombie movies like to tie up every loose end by killing everyone when their relevance is up. Foxy living ain't too bad...still a shitty movie though. We're all just gonna assume he dies anyway.

 Oh and Cholo is still bleeding out from his earlier gunshot, so he's dying. The last we see of him living is him walking in the tunnels to FG with music because we're still trying to establish he's a badass and not just an asshole.

 Retarded Cannibals breach the rich section of FG and start killing all the RICH people. Whatever...Some RICH people escape and try to leave the city, only for the electrical fence to stand in their way. At this point one would either find a way to shut the damn thing down or try running elsewhere. But apparently standing around hopelessly is all anyone can muster.

 Meanwhile, Riley and company are at a drawbridge trying to lower it so they can ride in with their tank and save the day. The logic to why and how probably makes sense to them but whatever, let's just go with it. While Riley, alone, goes to lower the bridge, everyone else stands around in the tank doing nothing. Then ninja zombies show up and bang on the tank to get in and everyone panics over it.

 You're in a tank and the undead have no way in. All you have to do is drive away, it's not like anyone but Riley is in any danger. And when Riley is attacked by (yet another) ninja zombie and cries for help, no one in the tank is able to help cuz their too busy pissing themselves over the zombies fruitlessly banging on the rear of the tank.

 Riley is ready to be picked up but the zombies are in his way. If only the tank could drive to him so he wouldn't have to run into a horde and climb up onto the roof of the tank, Oh well. Then the blond chick who drives Dead Reckoning pointlessly backs the tank up and crushes some zombies because she needs a defining moment in this shitty movie. She says "I'm gonna shake these bastards." You know how else you can shake those bastards? Simply driving away! Pointless.

 Before they can drive away (foreward) they need to do something about the dozen or so zombies milling about in front of them so the whore shoots the miniguns to level them all as if a tank couldn't run them right over. More pointless! We also witness a zombie climbing up the tanks rear ladder. I wonder if that will be relevant later?

 They then realize that maybe some fireworks would be useful, so they send some of those up, stopping the zombies in FG right before they kill all those RICH people. Then it shows the zombies not caring anymore because they've apparently "evolved" again.

 Kaufman escapes into the garage with his racial stereotype manservant. Big Daddy follows. Big Daddy then attacks the car Kaufman is waiting in, causing the racial stereotype to run away. Big Daddy then proceeds to toss a running gas hose into the car then walks away because now he's apparently evolved the ability to plan or something, using ninja skills to disappear and eventually cover ground no zombie, fresh or otherwise, could ever cover.

 Enter a zombie Cholo, covered by shadows. Kaufman shoots him a few times (never a head shot, but that gets a pass since Kauffman had never portrayed himself as the type to do any zombie killing himself in the apocalypse and thus, lacking the discipline to nail a head shot...plus he thinks Cholo is alive still.) Cholo slumps over, for some reason, and then ninjas his way right up to Kaufman and bites him after a short scuffle. Big Daddy eventually rolls some fire down and ignites all the gas, killing Cholo zombie and Kaufman. And not so subtly added is all the burning money now flying about.

 I really hate this movie and am glad it's almost over.

 Cut to Riley on the roof still as that zombie from before finishes going up the ladder. Nothing happens. They reach the outer fence of FG where the electric fence was. All the RICH people are dead and getting eaten. They then shoot missiles and blow the fence. Then we discover all the POOR people survived.

 Movies ending. Everything seems to have been wrapped up and...what? What about that zombie on the roof? Nothing. All that buildup and it only served the purpose of a jump scare, nothing more. Kind of a microcosm for this movie: a whole ton of build up...followed by a poor delivery.

 Riley and company ride off into the sunrise towards Canada...though I'm sure at some point they would want to turn north. I guess we'll just assume they'll find a highway heading that way eventually. And we're gonna have to assume they thought to pack enough food and supplies to last six (seven if you wanna count the fat guy as two people) people an indefinite amount of time...or are we assuming they're gonna raid more inexplicably non-lethal and fully stocked supermarkets?

 Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Is this a happy ending? I know there's no rule against it, but at least make these people earn it. These guys didn't do shit! They rode around and fired missiles at a gate. That earns them a happy ending in a zombie movie? Fuck this.

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