[...Posted by Ted H]
Busy week of working...
......So yeah, more bitching about a bad movie until I have actual free time...
.........aaaaaaaaand we have a new author pending. Whenever he decides to accept the invite and start posting is up to him though...
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
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[Why LAND OF THE DEAD sucked pt.4]
Part 4: Nothing makes sense
anymore!
I seem to be just a little
bit critical of this movie and there are reasons for such behavior. I do it out
of love. As stated before, the Dead trilogy are some of my favorite movies of
all time; each standing out in their own distinct way.
Now if this were just another
bad zombie movie, it would earn a pass from my wrath and just be ignored by me.
But two reasons prevent this. The primary reason is it's directed by Romero. He
should know better than to try and pass this garbage off as one of his own. But
even then, there lied the potential for me to still ignore. The catalyst, the
true lynchpin of my ire is the fact that Romero attempted to pass this off as a
continuation of the original Dead trilogy. It can still be ignored
theoretically, but the knowledge that this movie is in the same universe as the
original three just further irritates me.
What really pisses me off is
how Romero tried to drive home the fact that this is all in the same universe:
Enter Tom Savini reprising his role from Dawn
of the Dead (1975) but now in zombie form, or at least trying to pass him
off as the same character. It shouldn't since that guy didn't die from zombies,
he died by getting shot in the chest and falling into a fountain. There is not
bullet hole in this guys shirt so either this is more sloppy work or it's just
needless pandering to the crowd to invoke emotions tied to a much better zombie
movie so the audience feels better about this steaming pile. All it did for me
is piss me off even more. It's one thing to suck on your own...but it's an
entirely different thing to suck and try to bring down an entire franchise with
you on the way.
Anyway, some guys with guns show
up and start shooting the retarded cannibals in their torsos, because
apparently nobody knows how to fight zombies many years into the zombie
apocalypse. Then one of the nazi security guys abandons his post because RICH
people are EVIL and apparently COWARDS.
Cut to Cholo getting bit by a
ninja zombie, the fakest looking zombie of them all. Seriously, that was the
best you could do? That ninja zombie though gave off the impression of an
anorexic old person who couldn't run ten feet without breaking one of their
decrepit legs...and I'm suppose to just believe that it managed to sneak up
right next to Cholo out of nowhere? Fuck that.
But now Cholo is infected and
we are about to witness Cholo's boy having the most logical and legitimate
reaction to another person being bitten. I was so impressed by this, that I've
decided to call him by his name: Foxy (...and I regret that already) So Foxy
points his shotgun at Cholo but doesn't fire. At this point in the movie you
would expect him to either run away like a pussy, or just shoot him in cold
blood because of the clichéd "You're infected, so I need to make sure you
won't kill me when you turn" bull shit. Remember how it took the whore
about three seconds to kill the Bull Fighter guy earlier? Yeah, and she was a
good guy.
Foxy gives Cholo the choice
if he wants to be mercy killed and Cholo declines, instead giving some BS about
wanting to see how zombies live or some shit. They eventually ride off towards
FG together, because Cholo is still Cholo despite the infection and isn't just
gonna turn in three seconds and try to kill anyone like this were some other
shitty movie about not-zombies named 28
Days Later.
Cut to more ineffective
shooting that featured maybe one head shot (by accident probably). One retarded
cannibal catches fire and then Big Daddy mercy kills it because it was crying
out in pain from the fire. WHAT? THE? FUCK! WHAT THE FUCK! WHAT THE FUCK! WHAT
THE FUCK! WHAT THE FUCK! WHAT THE
FUCK!?!?!?!
Don't even talk to me about
zombies anymore. Don't even try. If you need any more convincing, look to Big
Daddy picking up a jackhammer and giving off the most accurate retard laugh I
have ever heard in a movie. On a side note: who the hell was even jackhammering
in the middle of the night anyway? Then the retarded cannibals arm up with
various tools as they make their way to the rich section of FG. To that I
say...I'll allow it. The mental capacity to use basic tools was long since
established in better Romero movies. (Simple tools does not include jackhammers
and assault rifles though.)
Cut to Cholo and Foxy as
Cholo gets dropped off near FG. Cholo has a bone to pick with Kaufman before he
dies and lets Foxy ride away. Foxy actually survives this shit, which I forgot
happens. Usually bad zombie movies like to tie up every loose end by killing
everyone when their relevance is up. Foxy living ain't too bad...still a shitty
movie though. We're all just gonna assume he dies anyway.
Oh and Cholo is still
bleeding out from his earlier gunshot, so he's dying. The last we see of him
living is him walking in the tunnels to FG with music because we're still
trying to establish he's a badass and not just an asshole.
Retarded Cannibals breach the
rich section of FG and start killing all the RICH people. Whatever...Some RICH
people escape and try to leave the city, only for the electrical fence to stand
in their way. At this point one would either find a way to shut the damn thing
down or try running elsewhere. But apparently standing around hopelessly is all
anyone can muster.
Meanwhile, Riley and company
are at a drawbridge trying to lower it so they can ride in with their tank and
save the day. The logic to why and how probably makes sense to them but
whatever, let's just go with it. While Riley, alone, goes to lower the bridge,
everyone else stands around in the tank doing nothing. Then ninja zombies show
up and bang on the tank to get in and everyone panics over it.
You're in a tank and the
undead have no way in. All you have to do is drive away, it's not like anyone
but Riley is in any danger. And when Riley is attacked by (yet another) ninja
zombie and cries for help, no one in the tank is able to help cuz their too
busy pissing themselves over the zombies fruitlessly banging on the rear of the
tank.
Riley is ready to be picked
up but the zombies are in his way. If only the tank could drive to him so he
wouldn't have to run into a horde and climb up onto the roof of the tank, Oh
well. Then the blond chick who drives Dead Reckoning pointlessly backs the tank
up and crushes some zombies because she needs a defining moment in this shitty
movie. She says "I'm gonna shake these bastards." You know how else
you can shake those bastards? Simply driving away! Pointless.
Before they can drive away
(foreward) they need to do something about the dozen or so zombies milling
about in front of them so the whore shoots the miniguns to level them all as if
a tank couldn't run them right over. More pointless! We also witness a zombie
climbing up the tanks rear ladder. I wonder if that will be relevant later?
They then realize that maybe
some fireworks would be useful, so they send some of those up, stopping the
zombies in FG right before they kill all those RICH people. Then it shows the
zombies not caring anymore because they've apparently "evolved"
again.
Kaufman escapes into the
garage with his racial stereotype manservant. Big Daddy follows. Big Daddy then
attacks the car Kaufman is waiting in, causing the racial stereotype to run
away. Big Daddy then proceeds to toss a running gas hose into the car then
walks away because now he's apparently evolved the ability to plan or
something, using ninja skills to disappear and eventually cover ground no
zombie, fresh or otherwise, could ever cover.
Enter a zombie Cholo, covered
by shadows. Kaufman shoots him a few times (never a head shot, but that gets a
pass since Kauffman had never portrayed himself as the type to do any zombie
killing himself in the apocalypse and thus, lacking the discipline to nail a
head shot...plus he thinks Cholo is alive still.) Cholo slumps over, for some
reason, and then ninjas his way right up to Kaufman and bites him after a short
scuffle. Big Daddy eventually rolls some fire down and ignites all the gas,
killing Cholo zombie and Kaufman. And not so subtly added is all the burning
money now flying about.
I really hate this movie and
am glad it's almost over.
Cut to Riley on the roof
still as that zombie from before finishes going up the ladder. Nothing happens.
They reach the outer fence of FG where the electric fence was. All the RICH
people are dead and getting eaten. They then shoot missiles and blow the fence.
Then we discover all the POOR people survived.
Movies ending. Everything
seems to have been wrapped up and...what? What about that zombie on the roof?
Nothing. All that buildup and it only served the purpose of a jump scare,
nothing more. Kind of a microcosm for this movie: a whole ton of build
up...followed by a poor delivery.
Riley and company ride off
into the sunrise towards Canada...though I'm sure at some point they would want
to turn north. I guess we'll just assume they'll find a highway heading that
way eventually. And we're gonna have to assume they thought to pack enough food
and supplies to last six (seven if you wanna count the fat guy as two people)
people an indefinite amount of time...or are we assuming they're gonna raid
more inexplicably non-lethal and fully stocked supermarkets?
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Is this a happy ending? I know there's no rule against it, but at least make
these people earn it. These guys didn't do shit! They rode around and fired
missiles at a gate. That earns them a happy ending in a zombie movie? Fuck
this.
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