February 10, 2013

Why LAND OF THE DEAD sucked pt.2

[...Posted by Ted H]

Hey, remember this? Yeah, I re-stole this movie from my brother so I can continue my bitchfest about it.

Part 1

BGI to come next week.


*I will spoil the shit out of this movie in this review. You have been warned*

Part 2: NOT Safe Haven
            Aight, I'll come clean; Fiddler's Green served as the base inspiration to Safe Haven...but I made Safe Haven less impossibly run a whole lot less stupid. Essentially: what if I took Fiddler's Green and took out everything wrong with it as a story?

First line of defense in this dump, according to the movie, is a chain link fence. It's been X years since the zombie apocalypse began and you sure as hell didn't set up this place yesterday, so why isn't there more than just what I see there? It's electrified? Ok, so? That saps a shit ton of power. Where are the generators? Hydro-electric set up? Anything? This shit is important, and it explains how this fence, let alone the whole city, is powered. Hell, even if you explain that, it won't stop an entire horde from bringing it all down when they all bum rush the fence.

 The big selling point to Fiddler's Green (fuck it, I'm calling it FG from now on) is that it's bordered on multiple sides by a river. Ok, that's fine. Maybe the hydro-electric theory I asked is inferred by the fact that they're surrounded by river. Maybe, but you're not off the hook cuz I'll find something else about this city to bitch about. How bout the idea that FG offers luxurious living for those who can afford it...

 WHAT? Luxury? In the zombie apocalypse, the best luxury you can hope for is not being eaten. This movie is trying to sell the idea that not only did the "1%" survive, but that they continued being the 1% after the fact. You can go shopping? With what money? There is no economy. Money is worthless. But even if there morons still honored the dollar, where is the money coming from? Let's say that all the rich people somehow found a way to bring all their money with them to FG. Now what? Spend it, of course. Now what? It's not like you're actually earning any money anymore.

 How do you make [money] in the apocalypse? You scavenge the wasteland for valuable stuff like ammo, medical supplies and toilet paper. Food? No, but I'll get to why in a minute. To get all the valuable stuff, you need to go out into zombie land and hope you live...and I bet those rich people ain't doing the leg work there. You think they'll pay people to do it for them? Fuck that. Why would I risk my ass in the wasteland and bring you back supplies, just so you can pay me money so I can buy the stuff I just risked my ass to scavenge?

 I guess you can say "Hey, I'm possession of this [impenetrable] fortress and would love to let you in if you were willing to periodically go out and gather supplies." That would work, if only for a while until everyone wondered why the guy in charge isn't doing his fair share to survive and just overthrow his ass...but it's a good starting concept.

 How about food and medicine? Not. Possible. First of all, in the intro, the people were raiding a supermarket. You know what happens about six months after any food market is abandoned with food still inside? How about a year. Two years? Three? This movie takes place several years after the zeds took over. Either that supermarket is completely raided long ago, or those people need biohazard suits just to walk inside. The decay should be so bad that the toxicity would be a much bigger threat than zombies. They mention "mostly canned goods" meaning that, as implausible as it is, that particular supermarket hasn't been raided yet. Canned goods are the only thing worth raiding when the apocalypse strikes, so if they're still there, then so would all the rotting meat and fish, which would kill everyone.

 Speaking of expired, how about that medicine? After expiring, that shit starts to break down and eventually becomes toxic as well. If FG wanted to sustain itself indefinably, then at this point they would be more concerned with growing and processing their own food and setting up their own medicine, cuz that shit is finite on the best of days.

 ...Back to the impossible economics of FG. I know it's always fun to throw in some sort of social commentary in these zombie movies, but Romero wasn't even subtle here. THE RICH and THE POOR! Back in the movie: Cholo and Riley get into an argument over the one guy who died before. Cholos justification is something irrelevant but he mentions how he's gonna live with the rich people now, to which Riley responds "They won't let you in there...we're the wrong kind." To the kids playing at home, that translates to: They won't let poor people in there even though money is meaningless and the only currency is TP.

 ...Actually, Cholo got bitched at for going after non-essential supplies. You see, while Riley and company were going after expired medicines and rancid meat, Cholo chose to go after unopened liquor...you know, stuff that isn't rancid. Not practical, but he's still smarter than everyone else who thought 10 year old Pringles were a good idea.

 So, as the movie moves on, it shows Cholo and Riley in contrast as they travel; Cholo walking through the rich people mall where everyone is rich and happy doing rich people things with the money that's on par with monopoly money and rocks...and Riley as he walks through the deserted and dead city streets on his way to the poor people sector where everyone dresses like hobos.

 This movie needs a plot...and since a good one isn't ready, we'll take two mediocre plot points instead. Cholo wants to be a rich person, and Riley wants to leave FG forever. And since I previously stated that any drama from this movie will come from the humans, then one or both of those plot points are gonna go wrong and cause our drama.

 So Cholo is delivering the "essential" supplies to the big guy in charge. Opening his door isn't the guy but his servant, a fat black man. This movie can't be made by the same director who made the movie in 1968 where the bad ass hero was the black dude helping keep all the white people alive...now we have this movie where the first [living] black person we see is a man servant.

 Anyway, the racial stereotype tells Cholo that there is a situation in the other apartment. Instead of waiting for security, Cholo decides to kick the door down because we need to think he's a bad ass and not just an asshole. He walks in to find that a man had hung himself off of an overhead light. The man's son runs in to cut him down, but by the power of movie magic, the overhead light breaks and they both fall down and the freshly zombified man eats the son. Cholo then kills the zombie, after it abandons its easy mean in favor of his quietly sobbing wife, because we needed unnecessary drama. Then security shows up and Cholo, like a "badass" says "It's your problem. Clean it up."

 Can someone explain to me what went down? How did this guy get infected? And don't say anything cuz Cholo immediately armed himself when he realized the guy was dead. Did anyone explain how this would even be possible in FG? Or did Romero change the rules to his zombie universe and now anyone who dies comes back as a zombie, because you need to establish these things! And if anyone who dies comes back regardless, then you need to have better protocols for suicidal idiots, sick and old people or else everyone dies! Haven't heard from grandpa in a couple days and he was sick? Well now we might have an unaccounted for zombie roaming around killing people. Good job. Sloppy, just sloppy.

 ...And was the son even suppose to be dead? Cuz he was breathing in that last scene. What the fuck?

 Cut to Riley looking for a car. By the way, he bought a car and was planning to drive it away to live in Canada...because...Canada. The car is gone now and the only person there he can yell at is another hobo.

 Cut to fan(boy) service of the Shaun of the Dead people as zombies at a "Take your picture with a zombie" booth...and yes, that's exactly what the booth says. The rule that says "Don't say the Z word" apparently doesn't apply despite the fact that they've been referred to as "walkers" to this point. Another booth involves shooting a zombie with a paintball gun. What the fuck is this shit? Remember how Day of the Dead involved bringing live zombies in to study and research and how NOBODY liked it but it needed to be done?

 We have officially gone from this:
"Hey, let's bring in live zombies to where we live and sleep. I know it's a bad idea but we have a chance to figure a way to come out on top in the zombie apocalypse. It's necessary for the survival of humanity."

 to this:
"Hey, let's bring in live zombies to where we live and sleep. I know it's a bad idea but huh huh huh pictures and paintball! We can make some money doing this even though money is useless."

 ...also dancing strippers. That's one of the few high points here.

 Also there's one more zombie game. This one they throw in a whore in a caged area with two zombies and take bets as to which one kills her. And no one objects to this. Remember, we're in the poor part of FG and we need to sympathize and identify with these poor schmucks...and they are actively cheering on zombies as they try to kill an unarmed woman.

 Cut to Riley threatening a midget in a cowboy hat. Man, remember when Romero zombie movies had some respect? Remember when the most outlandish character in these movies was "that one helicopter pilot who carries a machete and probably sold weed before everything fell to shit"? Well now we have a midget ordering his goons to fuck Riley up while zombies get cheered on as they try to kill a whore. And yes, she is a whore because Riley eventually says to her "I've seen you working the streets." before she says something about him checking her out.

 Riley then realizes what's going on and kills the two zombies and everyone freaks out because "Someone in the zombie apocalypse has a gun! And he shot zombies as they tried to kill someone! Everybody run!!!!!!" Then the retard shoots the midget after licking his gun. I can't believe I even wrote that last sentence.

 Then security shows up and arrests Riley, the whore and the retard. Killing zombies is apparently a crime in FG. With ass backwards priorities like these, I can see why Riley wants to escape.

 Now we're in jail where the whore, our female lead, is recanting us a tale of how the man in charge of FG is so evil and how she could have been something more than a whore if not for him and blah blah blah...I wanted to scream "Shut the fuck up!", but Riley beat me to it. Wow, I might actually like this guy...might. Maybe if he didn't insist on hanging out with a retard and a whore for the rest of the movie.

 At this point, Romero remembers he's making a zombie movie and decides to show us Big Daddy and company. They marched non-stop until they ran into one of the oldest zombie deterrents: a wooden barricade. Then Big Daddy realizes one of his followers has a cleaver and he tells that zombie to chop through the wood. He apparently uses zombie-language to tell him, because fuck any science that says the brain decaying will slowly kill the zombie, why not have them evolve to the point where they're almost human. In Day of the Dead, it took Logan for-fucking-ever to make Bub the way he was in 1985. Why not wait 20 years for undead evolution? PASS!

 Now we couldn't conclude this part without at least introducing the big bad villain of the movie: Kaufman. Cholo finally meets with him and tells him he wants to move in with the rich people. Kaufman say, essentially: "Ha ha, no." Cholo gets pissed, and Kaufman calls in one of his security guards, and at this point I realize just how much like Nazis these security guys look. Yeah, real subtle, George.

 Cholo later beats up the Nazi, takes his gun and decides to take action. Maybe the zombies will show upto the zombie movie later on...

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