February 23, 2013

Why LAND OF THE DEAD sucked pt.3

[...Posted by Ted H]

So while looking through some info and statistics related to this blog the other day, I came across something a bit...odd.

There is someone out there who was running searches for "Safe Haven nudes"
I believe for me, on the internet, it is known as: validation.

Another search was "Whys the bitch in Safe Haven running?"
Uh...to whoever is wondering, I'm gonna assume that whoever the "bitch" is would be running because ResEs are trying to track them down. Try actual names next time.

Anyway, I'm all but finished with my LotD rant, so here's part 3. I got 2 more parts lined up and ready in case I get to a weekend where I'm not entirely happy with anything else. Enjoy.

Part 1
Part 2


[Why LAND OF THE DEAD sucked pt.3]

Part 3: Humans vs humans...featuring ninja zombies.

You thought this movie was bad before? Well it's time for the movie to trip into one of the gaping plot holes I mentioned before.

Let's start with a couple of idiots having target practice by the fence to get in. At this point, it's only safe to assume they're making this much noise because they're sitting pretty behind a proven defense. Even if the dead are "learning" and "know they can't get in a certain way", then there has to be a precedent to learn by. And even if there isn't, then there has certainly been enough time to fortify defenses to the point where you can afford to have a couple of jackasses pointlessly shooting and making noise, right? Right?


 Let's start with Big Daddy who apparently became a ninja zombie overnight. We all love ninja zombies, right? You don't? Well fuck you, Romero apparently loves them. So Ninja Big Daddy kills the jackasses, then everyone sounds the alarms saying "They're all over the place."

 We are, or should, be deep enough into the zombie apocalypse where this absolutely, positively, inexcusably cannot be a new concept that catches anyone off guard. A large horde of zombies attacking? That's day 1 shit right there. If these people can't handle this, then FG should never have even happened.

 Step one for repelling a horde is to have a solid outer wall...which brings us back to the chain link fence. That's it. We have one guy running up to that fence and shooting zombies, which, honestly would be a good idea if ANY of the other soldiers thought to join him. We also have guys in an elevated position, which is also good unless zombies can also fly now.

 Then the fence falls over and zombies march in. Humans should still be able to handle this unless they do something stupid. Aaaaaaaand one of the guys in the elevated position jumps down right next to some zombies and gets eaten. So yeah, these guys are fucked. How that many zombies even ninjaed their way to the fence is dumb. How anyone thought that chain link fence would stop even the wind is dumber. How, when the zombies got in, the soldiers decided to flail about like fucking morons is the dumbest thing of all.

 Dead Reckoning drives away and Big Daddy shoots it, apparently giving himself a refresher on how a gun works because it's been so long since significant zombie action we might've forgotten he learned how a gun works in the opening of the movie. And when Big Daddy shoots, something in the background blows up pointlessly. I guess Romero lost a bet with Michael Bay and had to add that.

 Whatever, let's forget about everything wrong with this whole sequence and just enjoy some nice zombie-eating-victory-gore! The true staple of any zombie movie. NOPE! The gore fest was just getting underway when Big Daddy calls his horde together and begins marching off. They were eating and doing zombie related activities, but not anymore! Now they're organized and shit and clearly NOT ZOMBIES ANYMORE. Now they're retarded cannibals. And I will refer to them as such.

 We cut back to Kaufman as he talks to Cholo over radio, Cholo is threatening to blow up the rich people section of FG unless Kaufman pays him (and not in TP). Kaufman won't pay because "We don't negotiate with terrorists." His plan instead is to send Riley after him. Riley's asking price? A car so he can get to fucking Canada. Oh, and he wants the retard and the whore to go with him. "Terrorists are gonna kill us all! Let's send one man after them!" This is a bad Die Hard plot.

 Now Cholo rolls with two main guys. Movie logic says they both need to go away one way or the other before Cholo bites it himself. Main guy #1, the skateboarder, is dropped off alone to wait for Cholo's ransom money. I'm not even gonna dwell on this: the fucker dies later on because of more ninja zombies. Moving on.

 Cut to Riley, the retard and the whore preparing to go hunt Cholo. The whore is shirtless, because why not, and the reatrd is apparently figuring out for the first time that the whore is a woman. Then Riley explains that he's only doing this for THE POOR people, not THE RICH.

 Then a soldier offers the retard an automatic weapon, which is turned down for retard reasons. Then the soldier makes fun of him for being a retard. Why, you ask? Because it gives Riley and the whore a reason to stand up for the retard and look like nice people and not just insufferable douches.

 Why do we need reasons to like these people? Night of the Living Dead featured Ben who ran about, hitting Barbara and screaming at all the white people, but when shit went down we were all rooting for him. Dawn of the Deads quartet of survivors were essentially criminals (as described by Peter) but we didn't need reminders to like them either. So why do we need to like Riley so much? Because this is what happens when you take zombies out of a zombie movie.

 This plot point has nothing to do with zombies. Kaufman and Riley don't even broach the idea of zombies when discussing Cholo. The big threat here is that Cholo has Dead Reckoning and aims to blow up FG. Zombies have nothing to do with the central crisis here. Take zombies out and there is no central, unifying reason to root on the humans because they're pitted against fellow humans, so Romero needs to remind us which humans we need to root for. What makes some zombie movies so damn good is that you can't just replace the zombie threat. In this movie, you could replace the zombies with something else and the main plot remains entirely unaffected.

 Kaufman, despite himself, isn't entirely fucking stupid. Riley wants to leave forever but is your only hope to getting Cholo. On top of that, he only insists on going with a retard and a whore flanking him. Yeah, not very good odds. So enter three more characters who get brief introductions. If anything, they're insurance that Riley will actually attempt to get to Cholo and not just drive away forever first chance he gets. Also to kill Riley because, fuck logic, Kaufman is bad because he is RICH.

 We have some Mexican jerk who apparently has an unfulfilled bull fighting dream, some Michelle Rodriguez wannabe, and a fat guy. Unfortunately for the Michelle Rodriguez wannabe, the tough girl spot has already been claimed by the whore, so you know she's gonna die. The other two are wild cards, at least one of which is probably only around to serve the role of red shirt.

 We skip ahead where Riley is once again talking about how the dead are working together and Kaufman utters the Z word. Moving on the retard licks his rifle again and kills a ninja zombie because Romero believed that two retarded concepts might cancel each other out (they don't)

 Why are four people guarding a car while only two go hunting for ammo? Anyone? Is it so the fat guy and not-Michelle Rodriguez can have their cute little exchange while the whore and retard shoot behind each other? Cuz that's dumb as fuck.

 Then a ninja zombie bites the bull fighter, with an implausible zombie skill to boot. Then the whore later shoots him because he's infected. Now if I was a betting man, I would've said he wouldn't be the first to die in this group. I'd also say he would've lasted more than five minutes.

 I refer you to the Resident Evil movie. Remember the three nameless goons from Umbrella's special forces team that died in the laser beam hallway? Of course you don't. They barely had one line each in that movie. Their only purpose was cannon fodder; to die pointlessly in place of more important characters so they could in turn die in more memorable fashion.

 Bull Fighter was given characterization. He had that stupid thing on his shoulder. Fat man and not-Michelle Rodriguez each quipped about where they were from but none of that was really personal. Bull Fighter had a more appropriate introduction and a little bit of insight to his character...then offed five minutes later. If either of the other two were bitten by that ninja zombie, then no one would notice. But it was the bull fighter, which makes me wonder why bother even giving him any distinguishment from the other dead people in this movie?

 Cut to where Riley lets everyone in on his own little plan, validating Kaufman's reason to send the mooks in the first place: Riley will reacquire Dead Reckoning and drive off into the sunset with it. The two remaining mooks agree to Riley's new plan, but we all know not-Michelle Rodriguez really isn't game. Fat man, maybe, but the girl isn't.

 Now we're at the river that borders FG. The idea here that the river alone is enough to stop waves of the dead from invading. We'll see if that's as retarded as it sounds. The notion that barricading the river, in any way, was never needed is just more proof that FG should never have even existed in the first place.

 Now we have Kaufman packing up all the worthless money that should have no fucking value...

 Oh, lesbians...was I just complaining about something?...Aaaaaand ninja zombies break up the lesbians. Alright, that's it. What the fuck is up with all the ninja zombies? Night and Day? No ninja zombie attacks (or at least nothing notable) Dawn featured very little, and none of those were very impactful. This movie is overflowing with ninja zombie attacks. Is this part of them "evolving" or some shit? Cuz unless they evolved some feather feet, ninja powers should not happen.

 Then Riley talks his way into Dead Reckoning cuz he had a transmitter that allowed him to follow. Cholo tells everyone to lock on, which they do with the apparent help of satellite assistance. Not saying much, but that seems a bit technical when we're in the same universe where the zombie apocalypse began around the 1970's.

 Now we cut back to the zombies attacking FG and Big Daddy teaching his fellow zombies how to use guns. At this point, what new gripes can I bring up? Remember, they're retarded cannibals now.

 Not-Michelle Rodriguez tries to kill Cholo, but nice guy Riley kicks him out of Dead Reckoning to save his life though Cholo still gets shot, then a zombie gets the drop on not-Michelle Rodriguez and bites her face off. The whore then mercy kills her because there's only room for one tough girl in this film. And the retard, somehow, gets the guns away from Cholos people.

 Now all of this was unnecessary because Riley had a way to remotely disable Dead Reckonings missiles. Why the hell didn't he do that from the outside? Whatever, I should know at this point logic left long ago.

 Cut to Kaufman getting caught by one of his fellow RICH person stealing all that useless money. He then kills him over it because he is RICH and evil...or something. Anyway, he gets a call from Riley that everything is a-ok...then something in the city blows up. The retarded cannibals apparently figured out how to use explosives...or Michael Bay won another bet.

 Either way, Riley decided they need to go back to FG with Dead Reckoning. Cholo decides there are better ways for him to die in this movie and he and his remaining boy choose to not go with them.

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