July 3, 2016

Why DIARY OF THE DEAD sucked pt2

[Posted by Ted H]

Oh man, I now know how to end Pure Human. I just, ya know, have to make time to actually write it. But in the meantime-I've been watching a bad movie some more to review!

Part 1


[Why DIARY OF THE DEAD sucked pt2]

Part 2: ROLE CALL!
So the movie started and so far it looks like it can pull off a decent run. The start has introduced us to a bunch of idiots, but the story has hit all the right points and maybe putting these characters through some shit can force a character arch on a couple and make them likable. This movie CAN be good, it just can't throw anything else stupid to make things worse. This was all set up, however, before we meet Deb.

Enter the dorms! And about an hour has passed since it's been first reported that zombie shits going down, everyone in the dorm has abandoned ship. It's iffy to say the least, but it sets up a nice scene, so I'm all for it. Something crashes off screen and Jason investigates to reveal some random dude stealing shit and freely admitting to it to a camera. Right...cuz anyone committing a crime will just up and say it on camera to a total stranger. Ok...maybe they would, but it would be that stupid looking. Anyway, the random criminal turns the conversation back at Jason by asking "What's a guy with a video camera doing in the women's dorm?"

That...is a very valid question. I'll stop complaining about this guys needless insertion to the movie for that.

Anyway, about 10 seconds later we meet Deb, the only actual college student in the dorm who didn't leave. How very fucking convenient. The first thing she says is a question as to why Jason is recording the zombie apocalypse. Get used to that question, kids. Jason then puts the camera down, assuming his girlfriend won't notice it's on. Get real used to that, too.

On Deb's computer is a video playing of the zombie attack that opened the movie. Wait, I thought it was mentioned that this was uploaded later by the cameraman? This video playing is pretty much a highlight reel of the good parts with someone talking over it. Considering how the zombie apocalypse is just starting, that's pretty quick for someone to upload the "truth" seeing how there's barely been enough time for any "lie" about this whole situation to even be reported.

Deb has been trying to call home and check on her family to no avail. She decides now that she wants to go home. I guess she was just waiting for her boyfriend to find her? The entire dorm is long gone and there was definitely no certainty that Jason would show up and not (oh, I dunno) try to find his own family (assuming he or anyone else in his little group has one since literally no one else shows any interest in finding their own family in all this) so wouldn't it be a better and smarter option to just make for home first chance you get? Don't have a car? Bum a ride with someone else. Not everyone in a college is a local and not every non-local is gonna want to brave the zombie apocalypse to go all the way home. Worried about your family? Get your ass home. Leave Jason a fucking note if you honestly think he'll break into your dorm room and look for you. Have him catch up later. There's nothing about him that says "this aspiring film director is a must have for when the world descends into chaos."

Deb voiceover: "I think that's what started the panic-not knowing the truth." Oh lord, shut up. I'm pretty sure knowing the truth about the rise of the undead would still stir a fucking panic, probably a bigger panic. Stop trying to be deep.

Now we're in the RV, and the first thing Deb does is question the camera again (that's 2) and Jason decides everyone should introduce themselves to the camera/audience...because that's the sign of a great movie-having to stop the film so we can get to know the characters. Ya know, maybe Romero was on to something. So let me stop this review and introduce everyone as well...

Batting (and dying) 1st: Mary. She just wants to go home. And the best way to accomplish that is to drive to someone else's home first. I dunno why, maybe it's along the way. Where is she driving right now? "I dunno. Just trying to get out of dodge." Because picking a random direction instead of trying to get some place specific is a totally rational idea for everyone to be following. At one point she also points out that she's currently not dating anyone. She is also the only person in this film without any sort of significant other (Jason+Deb...Jason+Elliot...Tony+his established counter nature to Jason that won't end until Jason gets some sort of final 1 up over him...the one love birt+the other love bird...the Professor+booze) So unless Mary hooks up and hooks up quick, she's a goner. Besides, everyone knows how hard it is to find love in the zombie apocalypse. Finally, she's religious, because that won't aid in her expandability in this movie.

2nd: Deb, who twice in her bit questions the camera (4). She just wants to go home, too. And her home is SCRANTON...because aside from a missile silo in Florida, the zombie apocalypse is only allowed to happen in Pennsylvania for George Romero (Night: rural PA...Dawn: some mall in PA...Land: Pittsburgh, PA) The longer the impromptu interview goes, the more Deb gets pissed at Jason for filming. I wanna say that Deb is doing a good job portraying my own attitude to Jason in this movie but she soon descends into insufferable herself. So in retrospect, I hate her from the start.

3rd: Tony. Tony is suppose to be the "too cool for the rest of you" guy who is with the group, but clearly against Jason in a non threatening way. Anyone remember Cholo from LAND? Yeah, he's Cholo; an ass who Romero wants us to think is a bad ass. During this interview, Tony mentions how he wasn't suppose to do makeup for the monster movie and Deb mentions that she was suppose to but "Sorry babe, but you know what happens when we try to work together." Again, not shit people say knowingly on camera...but maybe she does this to embarrass Jason into not filming anymore. Tony is from Queens, meaning he isn't going to die. Everyone also knows that New Yorkers don't get killed by zombies. They're too awesome to die.

Batting cleanup: Elliot. Elliot is clearly Jason's bff. He introduces himself by fixing a TV that we didn't know was broken so that he and Jason can have a generic back and forth about the government explanation to the beginning of the zombies. So...the "lie" is just now making its rounds on the news...now would be a good time for that cameraman to upload the "truth", not before the "lie", AFTER! Anyway, Elliot wants to get home as well, but I guess it's along the way, or maybe he was being sarcastic.

5th and 6th come the lovebirds. Because this film needs two people who love each other (as opposed to Jason and Deb). The one girl has to explain that there's a camera in her phone (because in 2007 we still need to point out that phones have camera functions.)

7th comes the Professor who has nothing serious to contribute, but at least plays along. And I'm pretty sure he's an alcoholic.

There's also Jason. But he's too busy being a cameraman to be a character.

Back to the movie! The RV comes to a car crash scene. "Oh my God, we'll never get passed that," someone says despite the right side of the road being open. A burnt zombie approaches the RV while everyone debates on if it's really a zombie. Just then, the camera has an unknown issue and cuts out for a second, but comes back just in time for a jump scare as the zombie throws its face against the driver's side window...and everyone right then freaks out. So I guess everyone went blind along with the camera?

Mary freaks out and starts driving away (which involves driving passed that seemingly impassable car crash) and along the way runs over three zombies (all on the right side of the road while the left side was wide open)...Later on she pulls over and has a breakdown over the belief that the zombies she ran over were actually living people. Then she goes into a field and shoots herself (with a gun that wasn't even hinted about), but not fatally, because a fatal head shot would be too easy.

Again, this movie is hitting all the points, it's just the acting that's failing hard. And it's really hard to communicate the bad acting on a write up. Don't worry though, the directing and character actions will soon descent into a LAND OF THE DEAD style mess soon enough.

For now though, this movie has an immediate purpose and direction, as opposed to just aimlessly driving around and talking about going home: Get Mary to the hospital before it's too late.

Next time: It's too late

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