The 2016 MLB Turtle-Wax Awards

[Posted by Ted H]

You'd think I'd forget this year?

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[The 2016 MLB Turtle-Wax Awards]

These are the awards you DON'T want to win.

The "Rays And Orioles Would Rather Play In This Division" Award

Awarded to the crappiest division in baseball

[Previous winners: 2009 AL Central, 2010 AL West, 2011 AL Central, 2012 AL Central, 2013 AL West, 2014 NL East, 2015 NL East]

---The American League Central: Indians, Royals, Tigers, Twins, White Sox---

So, right away the first thing that pops out for these guys is that the Indians won the division. The Indians. How many of those 94 wins came against their crappy division foes? The Twins lost 100 games! Only the Tigers had a shot at the wild card while the east had 3 teams and the west had 2! The defending champs were a crappy .500 team and the White Sox did their usual routine of pretending to compete before they fade away into obscurity.

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The "Steroid Accusation Rookie Of The Year" Award

Awarded to the slugger who is probably gonna get accused of steroids next, if not already

(I am NOT accusing the winner of steroids, just sayin...)

[Previous winners: 2009 Aaron Hill (TOR), 2010 Corey Hart (MIL), 2011 Jacoby Ellsbury (BOS), 2012 Edwin Encarnacion (TOR), 2013 Chris Davis (BAL), 2014 Victor Martinez (DET), 2015 Nolan Arenado (COL)]

---Brian Dozier of the Minnesota Twins---

2016 HR total: 42

Previous Career High: 28 in 2015.

My first thought when looking at home run leaders for the season: Brian Dozier?
My next thought: Brian fucking Dozier?
2nd baseman Brian Dozier?
Are you fucking kidding me? Brian Dozier?

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The "What The Hell Happened To You?" Award

Awarded to the team that fell off the map when they were supposed to be contenders

[Previous winners: 2009 New York Mets, 2010 Seattle Mariners, 2011 Cincinnati Reds, 2012 Miami Marlins, 2013 California Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, 2014 Milwaukee Brewers, 2015 Seattle Mariners]

---The Kansas City Royals ---

Defending champions. Playing in baseballs weakest division. The same division as the 100 loss Twins. The same division as the freakin Indians. Back-to-back pennants, so the last couple years weren't a mistake. Guys, what happened?

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The "Shut Your God Damn Mouth" Award

Awarded to whoever talked too much without backing it up

[Previous winners: 2009 Chicago Cubs, 2010 MLB Network, 2011 Carlos Zambrano (CHC), 2012 Boston Red Sox, 2013 Jordany Valdespin (NYM), 2014 Keith Olberman (ESPN), 2015 Boston Red Sox]

---Boston Red Sox fans---

They signed David Price.
Then, as per the usual, the fans (ESPN included) talked about how that was a pennant clinching move because apparently that's all that was lacking for this crappy team to go from irrelevant to world champions. Whatever.
Then the season started and Price struggled. Bad. And all the fans lined up to make excuses.
Then he stopped sucking and all the fans were back to being cocky.
Then the playoffs came. And here's the thing about David Price in October-he's not very good in October. And with the Red Sox trailing 1-0 in the ALDS, Price steps to the mound and what does he do? He sucks. Red Sox get swept and the universe comes back to order.
Until next year, you fucking idiots.

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The "This Years Miracle, Next Years Indians" Award

Awarded to the team that made a surprise playoff run this year, and will fall short next year

[Previous winners: 2009 Colorado Rockies, 2010 Tampa Bay Rays, 2011 Tampa Bay Rays, 2012 Baltimore Orioles, 2013 Cleveland Indians, 2014 Kansas City Royals, 2015 Houston Astros]

---The Cleveland Indians ---

This was a tough call. The Giants and Mets both look poised to disappear, but then again, the Indians are the Indians. They are incapable of being good for consecutive years. Plus, the Tigers are poised and lord knows maybe the Royals will show up next year.

(I am 5-2 in making this prediction. My mistakes are because the 2011 Red Sox choked, allowing the Rays to make the cut, and the 2015 AL Central being dreadful...)

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The "This Years Phillies, Next Years Miracle" Award

Awarded to a team that sucked this year, but can make a run next year

[Previous winners: 2009 Chicago White Sox, 2010 Chicago White Sox, 2011 Washington Nationals, 2012 Seattle Mariners, 2013 New York Yankees, 2014 Chicago Cubs, 2015 Detroit Tigers]

---The New York Yankees---

Gary. Sanchez.

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The "AAA Team In Disguise" Award

Awarded to a team that might have better luck in AAA

[Previous winners: 2009 Washington Nationals, 2010 Pittsburgh Pirates, 2011 Boston Red Sox, 2012 Houston Astros, 2013 Miami Marlins, 2014 Texas Rangers, 2015 Philadelphia Phillies]

---The Minnesota Twins---

It took you 10 tries to win your first game this season. We all knew at that point to just buckle up and get ready for a looooooong season after that.

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The "Dull Knife In The Drawer" Award

Awarded to the biggest mental error this year

[Previous winners: 2009 Washington Nati(o)nals, 2010 Barak Obama, 2011 Brian Sabean (SF), 2012 Derek Norris (OAK), 2013 Mark Pagnozzi (HOU), 2014 Michael Pineda (NYY), 2015 Arte Moreno (LAA)]

---Buster Posey of the San Francisco Giants---

Buster Posey. Best catcher in baseball. Clutch hitter. Can't run the bases for shit, apparently.
In extra innings of an August 8th game against the Marlins, Posey went from 1st to 3rd on a base hit and literally interpreted what a "head first" slide was as he went into 3rd base face first. Personally, I could watch that slide all day....but really though, Buster, we aren't that long removed from you having a season ending injury from a slide/collision (legal, BTW), so why risk injuring yourself again with a dumb and awkward slide?

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The "Results May Vary" Award

Awarded to a player/team that didn't live up to the hype

[Previous winners: 2010 Stephen Strasburg (WAS), 2011 Carl Crawford (BOS), 2012 Los Angeles Dodgers, 2013 Toronto Blue Jays, 2014 Boston Red Sox, 2015 Robinson Cano (SEA)]

---The San Diego Padres ---

Hey, remember when the Padres made a lot of offseason noise with the players they acquired? Then the regular season started off in opposite fashion that the world beating expectations they set for themselves? Then AJ Preller (GM) decided to trade everyone away and talk shit on their way out. James Shields was the big one, but apparently no one could handle being a Padre....How's last place taste, Preller? Oh that's right, you're suspended. Even the no expectations Diamondbacks finished with a better record. In fact, only the Twins finished with a worse record than you, and they too had zero expectations.

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The "Ozzie Kind Of Crazy" Award

Awarded to the manager who had the most entertaining season to watch

[Previous winners: 2012 Bobby Valentine (BOS), 2013 Joe Girardi (NYY), 2014 Kirk Gibson (ARI), Matt Williams (WAS)]

---Joe Girardi of the New York Yankees---

"But what about A Rod, Joe?"
That question is going to haunt Girardi for a long time. A Rod finally decides to leave the Yankees and Girardi wants to go about business as usual. But no, A Rod wants to play 3rd one last time, and Girardi is more or less "Ha ha, no." right after he said "Well sure buddy, why not!" So, yeah, a little inconsistency. But while Girardi looks like the bad guy for not letting A Rod play one last game at 3rd for a team everyone wrote off for dead, Girardi is busy trying to get his team back into contention...and playing A Rod would be counterintuitive to that plan. Funny thing is, the Yankees eventually clawed their way back into contention, but everyone forgot it was because Girardi stuck to his guns and didn't treat A Rods final week with the team as a joke and instead stuck to his usual lineups that included A Rod mostly riding bench.

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The "Go Stand in the Corner!" Award

Awarded to the most standout suspension of the season

[Previous winners: 2013 Ryan Braun (MIL), 2014 Alex Rodriguez (NYY), 2015 Jonathan Papelbon (WAS)]

---Rougned Odor of the Texas Rangers---

Crime: Punching Jose Bautista in the face

Time: 7 games

Worth it.

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The "They'll Let Anybody Pitch" Award

Awarded to the pitcher who should never have been allowed near a mound

[Previous winners: 2014 Kevin Correia (LAD), Rick Porcello (BOS)]

---James Shields of the Chicago White Sox---

6-19...5.85 ERA...only 135 Ks in 181.2 innings...40 home runs allowed...and a .288 batting average against.

That's crap, and we all expect so much more out of James Shields. Last year his numbers across the board were way better and he was expected to lead a "better" Pares team this season...then he sucked and was shipped out to the White Sox just in time for their team wide collapse. I should split this award for both teams he was on this year, but he was slightly less crappy with the Padres...and while the White Sox were already in free fall mode when they acquired Shields, it seems his arrival only solidified their collapse.

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The "Just Retire Already!" Award

Awarded to the player on the wrong side of 35 that still thinks he can play

[Previous winner: 2015 Bartolo Colon (NYM)]

---Alex Rodriguez of the [Team Not Found]---

Age: 41

Whoa whoa whoa, wait! A Rod retired! Right?
No, Rodriguez was released by the Yankees and they offered him some job in the organization. He never said anything about retirement. Hell, for a hot minute after leaving the Yankees, he gave serious thought to joining the Marlins. Until A Rod actually says he's retired, I'm not ready to believe he's actually retired. Until then, don't be shocked to see A Rod as some teams Non-roster Invite to spring training.