Adventures in Oblivion - A Better Game

[...Posted by Ted H]

Work, work and more work....would be nice if that turned into cash money, but no because my car is a FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT THATS IN THE SHOP MORE THAN THE GARAGE!

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[Adventures in Oblivion - A Better Game]

This is the first time I used the teleporting function in Oblivion. I’ve been avoiding it to this point because the immersion demands I avoid it. Now though? After babysitting Ilend, and now having to baby-sit Picard’s son, I didn’t feel like escorting the dude five feet before he breaks off to fight something a mile in the wrong direction like Ilend did. Even if he wasn’t a fighter, I wasn’t the man of the kings dreams because of my babysitting potential.

Anyway, getting back to the monk’s pad, I find it mysteriously overrun with hell spawns. Greaaaaaaaat. I run in and find the monk who tells me the plot Magoffin that I left with him (you know, to keep it safe) may or may not be stolen. (Pro tip: It’s been stolen)…but at least we’ve reclaimed the king’s son, right? Right?

Let me recap my mission so far: I began with the Magoffin and had to find/rescue the king’s son….now I have the king’s son and need to find/rescue the plot Magoffin. Shit, monk-man, you had one fucking job and you fucked it up. Now what? Well the new plan is to now relocate the king’s son to the safest-place-evar! Cloud Ruler Temple, home base of the Blades! (You know, the Blades, those bozos who died trying to keep the king from being assassinated…who was assassinated anyway.)

My question is, if Cloud Ruler Temple was the be all-end all safe spot, and the plot Magoffin was as fucking important as you said it was (for those keeping score at home: Plot Magoffin + King’s son = The world won’t fucking end) then why the fuck didn’t we get the plot Magoffin here as soon as possible. While I was off fighting demons in hell to eventually rescue the king’s son, monk-man was busy doing NOTHING to keep the Magoffin safe. He kept it in the equivalent of the fucking Hobbit Shire when there was a Helms Deep in walking distance. Hell, you could’ve had me escort the Magoffin there myself before I went off after Picard’s son. And the monk turns out to be a high ranking member of the mother fucking Blades, so it’s not like he had any excuse not to make the effort to escort the thing himself.

So the plot is already coming off the rails for me…but let’s make the effort anyway…
You know what? No. Let’s instead talk about a more sensible plot. Let’s say that, indeed, monk-man thinks it wise for me to escort the Magoffin to Helms Deep while he sends some of him monk buddies to pick up the son (who was currently working as a priest so it would all look credible and official) Then when I return to the Shire and learn that the monks haven’t come back yet, THEN I get sent out to Kvatch and find out what’s happening only to discover the portal to hell and the dead bodies of the previous monks.

Now since there wouldn’t be much game left if everything went smoothly, so let’s for arguments sake that the additional time it took me to get here ended up getting Picard’s son killed by a scamp or something. BUT WAIT! Picard’s son turns out to also have an illegitimate son of his own! Now I can go off to search for the missing son of the son of the King, who can also use the plot Magoffin to save the world.

This works because Picard’s son was no angel in his life before becoming a priest. You talk to him enough and he’ll shed enough light on his shady past. What’s to say he didn’t partake in some crazed one night stand and fathered a child with a bandit or someone? Then you can spend the main quest trying to check down the heir to the throne while the world around you slowly falls apart. The demons also have no clue who this mystery heir is so you’re also trying to find them before the demons do and kill them too. Perhaps you eventually learn that you are the heir just as the world falls into total chaos and now you have to get back to Helms Deep (freshly overrun with demons of coarse), recover the Magoffin, fight your way to wherever it is you need to use it, and save the world in some massive end game.

Compare that plot to the one I’m currently dealing with. Even if my proposed end game (recover Magoffin-fight to end game-then win) is exactly as it is planned in this game (I must stress again that I haven’t actually played through Oblivion yet) and the only difference is the major quest hook, my version is better since it requires a less retarded set up. Recover the Magoffin before it‘s too late? Or…Track down the mystery heir before it’s too late? Hell, you know how we could’ve made the game REALLY short, but make the most sense? Me never letting go of the Magoffin in the first place since clearly it was safer with me.

Anyway, back to the not-as-good plot where I need to now escort the monk and Picard’s son to Helms Deep. They’ve got horses and I’ve got Fuck-Your-Mountains. Unfortunately, the other horses lack the mountain climbing prowess of my bad ass companion. (Avoiding another LotR reference) We slowly make our way to Helms Deep. When we get there, Picard’s son say a lot of words and I’m apparently made a member of the Blades, to which I cheer “Hooray! I’m expendable!”

At this point, I’m suppose to continue the main plot, but it has done a poor job to keep my interest, so I bolt.

Next time: Mary Sue returns to Kvatch