Adventures in Oblivion - Ilend the Useless

[...Posted by Ted H]

"Why are you playing Oblivion? Why not the new one?"
"Brand new game: $60...Oblivion: $20. DO THE MATH!"

Time to talk about the most endearing character I met in the game...

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[Adventures in Oblivion - Ilend the Useless]

Nice place, I think I may just vacation around here next summer. As soon as I enter, the welcoming committee rushes out to greet me with claws and more fire. I return their hospitality with arrows and a mace to the face. I am not the only human here in hell as I see another person running around, stabbing scamps. Once everything’s dead, we meet up and discuss the copious amount of crazy that’s been happening.

His name is Ilend, and he’s in hell with me, not because he’s lost his mind, but because one of his buddies has been captured. Together we decide to spring the buddy. Thus begin the crazy adventures of TheoKickAssius and Ilend the Useless. Seriously, I’m still not sure he survived this long without me, but this guy has a death wish by simply charging around looking for fights. Ilend, I later found out, graduated Magma Cum Laude from the Leroy Jenkins School of Combat.

To be honest though, Ilend appealed to me a little bit. Be it through pure courage or simple stupidity, Ilend was different. On my way in I noted the amount of guards running AWAY from the portal to hell, even with a compatriot captured in enemy territory, and Ilend was the only one with the stones to leave no man behind. I reminded myself of this fact through various reloads of previous saves since Ilend died on me, a lot.

Ilend’s deaths were various, and a few were even comical. I pissed off a scamp and let it come running into an avalanche of falling rocks. The plan worked perfectly…until Ilend grew either inpatient or envious of the giant, rolling rocks and charged into the field, getting swept over and into the fucking lava pool. Later, I was shooting arrows into a minefield when one of them exploded in a way that send a fireball flying in my direction. Common sense dictated I sidestep the ball, buy Ilend was too manly for such girlish tactics like “evasion” or “blocking” and took the fireball to the face like a champ…and died like an idiot. Sigh…reload.

At one point, my frustration for Ilend grew to a boiling point where I simply pulled out my bow and launched an arrow point blank into his face. Yeah, take that one to Skyrim and swap stories with the kneecapped guards.

“I used to be an adventurer like you, then I took an arrow in the-”
“FUCK YOU! I took an arrow in the FACE!”

Anyway, the two of us eventually made it (alive) to the tower of doom and eventually found the captured soldier. Awesome, now how do you open a cage hung precariously over a perilous drop onto spikes? What’s that captured dude? No time to worry about such trivial matters when there’s a way to close the portal to hell? Well shit, let me handle this! Uh…Ilend? You stay here with you friend. I got this one on solo.

With Ilend safely guarding a cage no one cares about, I effortlessly make my way to the top of Castle Greyskull and remove a…stone…that somehow was the key to keeping not only the portal to hell open, but apparently it was the only thing keeping this section of Oblivion from burning to the ground. Whatever, I remove the stone and there’s fire everywhere, then I’m somehow teleported back to the entrance of Kvatch, the portal to hell closed.

Right beside me somehow is Ilend, but wait, where was the prisoner we (you) nearly died to liberate? Did he die somehow? Was he trapped in burning Oblivion? What the hell? What’s that? It’s not important? Not when all the soldiers are now gonna charge into Kvatch and rescue the trapped townsfolk? I’d keep asking questions, but then I’m reminded that Picard’s son is the reason I’m here and decide I’ve got bigger fish to fry rather than the nameless soldiers.

The idea, I guess, was to team up with all these useless soldiers and liberate the townsfolk still inside. My, better, plan was to simply go in and kill everything without letting the soldiers steal my kills. Afterwards we all charged into the local church and lo and behold, son of Picard is inside waiting for me. He tells me that now that the civilians have a way out, he has no noble reason to stay behind (being that he’s a priest or something) and will leave with me immediately.

The soldiers then approach me and say there’s still more of Kvatch to liberate. Ah geeze, this is awkward. Do I do the nice thing and help these soldiers (who will without question be slaughtered without my help) or do I just up and leave now that I’ve got what I want.


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SEE YOU SUCKAS LATER!


Next time: Guess what happened to the plot magoffin when you werent looking?