Adventures in Oblivion - Fuck-Your-Mountains

[...Posted by Ted H]

More Oblivion? Yes. These are quick and easy and allow me to justify playing Oblivion as opposed to doing more important things....Our Town2s final act is comming along, but enjoy these while I finish the play...

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[Adventures in Oblivion - Fuck-Your-Mountains]

Before I head out for Kvatch, someone gives me their horse. Getting to Kvatch wont be a quick run, and a horse seems like a faster mode of travel, so I take the horse and I’m off. The horse is maybe half a step faster then me, hardly worth the effort, and I cant fight or shoot arrows while mounted. The only reason I keep the horse though is because this fucker can climb mountains, and since the Mako only exists in Mass Effect, and since I ain’t walking around no mountains, the horse stays.

Kvatch, as stated before, in the southwestern end of the world…on top of a fucking mountain and the only reasonable road leading to its front door is coming in from the south…and I’m approaching from the north. Thank God (gods? How many gods-err-divines are there here?) for the horse as I climbed the mountain like a boss. The game obviously didn’t think I’d be this difficult cuz I’m pretty sure they had some scripted event/encounter with a bunch of soldiers for anyone approaching from the south…but TheoKickAssius and his horse Fuck-Your-Mountains don’t play that game.

As time passed, I found myself growing attached to my horse…such as I felt the need to name him. I’m pretty sure all horses would have the ability to climb mountains, but other horses cost money and I’d get chased to the ends of the earth for stealing one (I’ll get to that shit later). Still, you don’t NEED a horse and there had to be something more between myself and Fuck-Your-Mountains because when I accidentally killed him from plummeting down too many stiff mountain sides, I found myself instinctively loading my last save to resurrect my horse, a habit I usually reserve only for myself and any hot/useful NPCs…

Combat was a bitch while riding Fuck-Your-Mountains, and when I say “combat was a bitch” I mean to say “You can’t even fight while mounted” Every, fucking, time a wolf or rat attacks me, I gotta dismount, which means taking a couple seconds worth of damage and that’s not even taking into consideration the time it’ll take me to get my weapon out and if you’re equipped with a bow then you’re fucked for another couple seconds before you get an arrow ready. Alternatively I just let FYM deal with the rats himself since, and Christopher Reeves could back me up on this, horses possess the ability to fuck you up on their own. Outrunning a wolf is always an option but usually by time I gallop away, I run into yet another wolf and we start the chase game all over again.

Now you may say I have an faulty at best relationship with my horse, but Fuck-Your-Mountains seems to like me just as much because whenever I fast travel, he’s right with me when I finish teleporting. Even when I dismount in one city, hike all the way to another city and then fast travel to a third city, when I teleport, he’ll be right there as if to say “Yo, let’s go climb some mountains!”

Anyway, Kvatch. During my climb up the northern end of the mountain, I noticed the sky was darkening and a storm was brewing. Now either one of two things was happening: 1) A legitimate storm was coming or 2)That’s a plot storm. I’m beginning to get the feeling that picking up Picard’s son won’t be as easy as I initially thought.

By time I finish circling around to the front, the storm is in full force over me and the music has taken a dramatic turn, meaning something is attacking me. I dismount Fuck-Your-Mountains and I do battle with a fire throwing thing. “Where the fuck did that thing come from?” I ask as I immediately take notice of the giant, glowing portal to hell that’s so conveniently set up right in front of the entrance to Kvatch. I then notice a bunch of soldiers running away from the portal and regrouping behind a barricade.

Logic dictates I regroup with the soldiers and find out what the fuck is going on right now…but TheoKickAssius is an impulsive motherfucker who doesn’t wait around for anything so contrived as a “plan” or “better ideas” and I sprint headfirst into the portal to hell.

Next time: Arrow to the FACE!