September 30, 2013

The 2013 MLB Turtle-Wax Awards

[Posted by Ted H]

...'S been a long year...

[The 2013 Turtle-Wax Awards]

These are the awards you DON'T want to win.

PROGRAMMING NOTE: I've decided to retire the following 2 awards:

The "You Don't Belong Here" Award
Awarded to 1 of the 8 10 playoff teams that shouldn't be in the playoffs
[Previous winners: 2009 Minnesota Twins, 2010 Texas Rangers, 2011 Tampa Bay Rays, 2012 Detroit Tigers]

The "Sucks To Be You" Award

Awarded to the team going home with a better record than a playoff team
[Previous winners: 2009 Texas Rangers, 2010 San Diego Padres, 2011 Atlanta Braves, 2012 Tampa Bay Rays]

The reason for these two retirements is simple: expanded playoffs. The team that usually would win the StbY award is now known as the team that loses the one game wild card playoff. And with the playoff pool now diluted to the point where 1/3 of all baseball makes the playoffs, it seems pointless to single out one team for either award.

 ...And now onto the awards that still exist...

The "Orioles And Blue Jays Would Rather Play In This Division" Award
Awarded to the crappiest division in baseball

[Previous winners: 2009 AL Central, 2010 AL West, 2011 AL Central, 2012 AL Central]

---The American League West: Athletics, Rangers, Angels, Mariners, Astros---

Astros sucking didn't help. Rangers fade didn't help either. Angels promised to be great...and, well, no. The NL East sucked pretty hard this year as well, but they kept themselves just slightly better in the stretch. The AL Central, the usual winner of this award was actually one of the better divisions this year. AL East continued to be the best all around division in baseball, but the AL West this year continued to disappoint.

The "Steroid Accusation Rookie Of The Year" Award

Awarded to the slugger who is probably gonna get accused of steroids next, if not already

(I am NOT accusing the winner of steroids, just sayin...)
[Previous winners: 2009 Aaron Hill (TOR), 2010 Corey Hart (MIL), 2011 Jacoby Ellsbury (BOS), 2012 Edwin Encarnacion (TOR)]

---Chris Davis of the Baltimore Orioles---
2013 HR total: 53
Previous high: 33

Fantasy GMs everywhere are screaming at themselves for not drafting Davis sooner.

The "What The Hell Happened To You?" Award

Awarded to the team that fell off the map when they were supposed to be contenders
[Previous winners: 2009 New York Mets, 2010 Seattle Mariners, 2011 Cincinnati Reds, 2012 Miami Marlins]

---The California Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim---

Let it be known I called the Blue Jays sucking back in March, so their last place finish does not shock me in the slightest. The Angels however, are a different story. Besides, the Blue Jays situation happened last year with the Marlins and they won the award, but I'll touch on that later...
Drug years are catching up with Hamilton, Pujols apparently isn't as godlike as he was in St. Louis, and all the sabermetrics bullshit for Trout can't make this team not suck.

The "Shut Your God Damn Mouth" Award

Awarded to whoever talked too much without backing it up

[Previous winners: 2009 Chicago Cubs, 2010 MLB Network, 2011 Carlos Zambrano (CHC), 2012 Boston Red Sox]

---Jordany Valdespin of the New York Mets---

I'm gonna catch a lot of crap for ARod not winning this award. And why not? He's been a consistent source of soap opera drama all year, and he wasn't even playing for half of it...but if you've ever wondered if a bigger idiot than ARod could exist, ladies and gentlemen, I give you Jordany Valdespin.
He hit a meaningless home run this season and took half an hour to admire it. The next night he asked his manager not to play him because he knew what was coming. He was forced to pinch hit anyway and was beaned like a bitch. Back in spring training, he was hit in the balls by a Justin Verlander pitch...and he wasn't wearing a cup.
...and of course, he was also suspended this season for the whole PED scandal thing...

The "This Years Miracle, Next Years Orioles" Award

Awarded to the team that made a surprise playoff run this year, and will fall short next year 
[Previous winners: 2009 Colorado Rockies, 2010 Tampa Bay Rays, 2011 Tampa Bay Rays, 2012 Baltimore Orioles]

---Cleveland Indians---'s the freaking Indians. Only reason they made it this time was because the Yankees were hurt and the Angels were bad. If they played in the AL bEast, then they'd be under .500 and long out of the playoff hunt.

(I am 3-1 in making this prediction. My only mistake was only because the 2011 Red Sox choked, allowing the Rays to make the cut...)

The "This Years Marlins, Next Years Miracle" Award

Awarded to a team that sucked this year, but can make a run next year
[Previous winners: 2009 Chicago White Sox, 2010 Chicago White Sox, 2011 Washington Nationals, 2012 Seattle Mariners]

---The New York Yankees---

This was easy. Yankees almost make the playoffs this year and they didn't have half their starters. Their DL players could win a world series. A healthy Yankee team would be an easy playoff pick.

The "AAA Team In Disguise" Award

Awarded to a team that might have better luck in AAA
[Previous winners: 2009 Washington Nationals, 2010 Pittsburgh Pirates, 2011 Boston Red Sox, 2012 Houston Astros]

---The Miami Marlins---

The Astros are not "in disguise" since they're publically saying they're rebuilding...
The Marlins however...they've sucked too for the last several years, but remember when they were suppose to compete? Yeah, last year? Pssh. When a city invests like this and you lose 100 games, you shouldn't be in the major leagues. AAAA baseball BS.

The "Dull Knife In The Drawer" Award

Awarded to the biggest mental error this year
[Previous winners: 2009 Washington Nati(o)nals, 2010 Barak Obama, 2011 Brian Sabean (SF), 2012 Derek Norris (OAK)]

---Mark Pagnozzi of the Houston Astros---

The game between the Yankees and Astros is tied 1-1. Yankees have the bases loaded. After a pitch to a September callup, catcher Matt Pagnozzi attempts to pick off the runner at 2nd who strayed too far from the bag, but instead spikes the ball.
Touchdown Astros...oh wait...
The ball bounces away and Eduardo Nunez races home from 3rd. The ball didn't go too far and Pagnozzi gets to it in plenty of time to toss home and nail Nunez before he scores...but he bounces the toss and Nunez is safe...
...Did I also mention the Yankees won 2-1?

The "Results May Vary" Award

Awarded to a player/team that didn't live up to the hype
[Previous winners: 2010 Stephen Strasburg (WAS), 2011 Carl Crawford (BOS), 2012 Los Angeles Dodgers]

---The Toronto Blue Jays---

Ok, so, let's aquire a bunch of players from the Marlins of all places, trade for an old knuckler who had one good season, and hope Jose Bautista stays healthy. WHAT COULD GO WRONG! All the talking heads say we're gonna win the world series! We can't lose!
Hmmm...I'm sure if you turned the standings upside down, then the Blue Jays totally finished 1st and didn't embarrass themselves at all...

The "Joe West Level Of Incompetence" Award

Awarded to the umpire who made the biggest BS call(s) of the year
[Previous winners: 2011 Jerry Meals, 2012 Sam Holbrook]

Fieldin Culbreth---

In a game between the Astros and Angels this year, Houston manager Bo Porter made a pitching change...and then another one as soon as the Angels sent in a pinch hitter for the guy reliever #1 was going to face. Baseball rules state that a reliever has to pitch to at least one guy before being substituted for...something Culbreth, as umpire, should have known about. Not only did he allow the pitching change...but he continued to hold to that decision when everyone around him was yelling about him over the rules.
Umpires have blown calls before, but blowing the rules? That's a bit new.

The "Ozzie Kind Of Crazy" Award

Awarded to the manager who had the most entertaining season to watch
[Previous winner: 2012 Bobby Valentine (BOS)]

---Joe Girardi of the New York Yankees---

The perpetual eye rolling he must have been doing this year includes:
-Who got hurt this time?
-What castoff from someone else's spring camp did we pick up today?
-Who wants to be our next shortstop?
-A-Rod is back? Seriously?
-Hughes is pitching today? Has it been 4 days since our last blowout loss already?
-Cano wants HOW much money?
-Would anyone notice if I just grabbed some gear and played catcher today?
-No, seriously, why is A-Rod back?
-God I'm old, Soriano was a rookie when I was retiring.
-3rd times the time, right Jete-...oh, DL again.
-I've had 100 different lineups this year...

The "Go Stand in the Corner!" Award
Awarded to the most standout suspension of the season

---Ryan Braun of the Milwaukee Brewers---
Crime: P.E.D. use / Lying about P.E.D. use
Time: 64 games (a.k.a. the remainder of the 2013 season)

Braun was nailed...NAILED...for PED use a couple years ago, testing positive for the season he won an MVP award and led the Brewers to the playoffs. He got off on a chain of custody technicality. Missing from the previous sentence was the notion that the test itself was wrong. Braun's piss was positively bubbling over with steroids like the mood slime from Ghostbusters 2...and yet, he got away with it. Braun wasted no time doing his end zone dance in the form of a press conference where he essentially gave the rest of MLB the finger.
...Well isn't it awkward this year when MLB nailed him AGAIN.
.......and it was MLBs turn to do an end zone dance by giving Braun a suspension and getting to listen to him give an apology for everything that had happened.
The usual penalty for a 1st time steroid user is 50...MLB gave Braun the rest of the 2013 season, just to be petty.

No comments:

Post a Comment