October 2, 2014

The 2014 MLB Turtle-Wax Awards

[Posted by Ted H]

Yup...Time to flex my creative muscles before November. As always, winners are encouraged to make their own trophies to commemorate their accomplishment of sucking...


[The 2014 Turtle-Wax Awards]

These are the awards you DON'T want to win.

The "Rays And Blue Jays Would Rather Play In This Division" Award
Awarded to the crappiest division in baseball
[Previous winners: 2009 AL Central, 2010 AL West, 2011 AL Central, 2012 AL Central, 2013 AL West]

---The National League East: Braves, Marlins, Mets, Nationals, Phillies---

One team, just one, finished above .500 this year from that division. The Nationals sure kicked a lot of ass this season, but the other four were just garbage. The Phillies were old, the Braves started their late season fade earlier than usual and the Mets and Marlins were....well they were the Mets and Marlins. Then usual winners of this award, the AL Central and West, were two of the best in baseball this year meanwhile, which just shows you what an odd year it's been.


The "Steroid Accusation Rookie Of The Year" Award
Awarded to the slugger who is probably gonna get accused of steroids next, if not already
(I am NOT accusing the winner of steroids, just sayin...)
[Previous winners: 2009 Aaron Hill (TOR), 2010 Corey Hart (MIL), 2011 Jacoby Ellsbury (BOS), 2012 Edwin Encarnacion (TOR), 2013 Chris Davis (BAL)]

---Victor Martinez of the Detroit Tigers---
2014 HR total: 32
Previous high: 25

That previous high in home runs came in 2007. And before you go on about how that's because the wear and tear on his body for a whole season as a catcher held him back, may I remind you that he was in peak condition in 2007...he's 35 this year, not exactly in the prime of ones life. His 1st two season in Detroit, he couldn't even hit 15 dingers...


The "What The Hell Happened To You?" Award
Awarded to the team that fell off the map when they were supposed to be contenders
[Previous winners: 2009 New York Mets, 2010 Seattle Mariners, 2011 Cincinnati Reds, 2012 Miami Marlins, 2013 California Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim]

---The Milwaukee Brewers---

So the season starts and the Brewers are flying high. Looking gooooooood. Then they stop winning all the time, but at least they're in 1st place and all the early winning built them a buffer. Then they stop winning entirely and fall out of 1st in not only their division, but also the wild card. Ultimately, they struggled to finish above .500 just so they could say they didn't completely shit the bed on the season.


The "Shut Your God Damn Mouth" Award
Awarded to whoever talked too much without backing it up
[Previous winners: 2009 Chicago Cubs, 2010 MLB Network, 2011 Carlos Zambrano (CHC), 2012 Boston Red Sox, 2013 Jordany Valdespin (NYM)]

---Keith Olbermann of ESPN---

Right before the finale of Derek Jeter's farewell extravaganza, Keith here decided to make a monologue as to why Derek Jeter isn't the greatest player ever. Understandable, Jeter was great, but not THAT great. Olbermann kept going though, attempting to point out that Jeter isn't even that good to begin with. Using cherry picked stats and (groan) sabermetrics, he details why Jeter should just shut up and go away.
...Missing from that video he made was any mention of playoffs. Never mind that Jeter is the all time playoffs hit king, the mere fact that Jeter brought his A-Game every October should be proof enough to why Yankees fans raise him to such a high pedestal. Olbermann mentions that Jeter has no MVPs but it's noted by fans all over baseball that he was robbed by voters of at least one, maybe two MVP awards (Twins fans are still as shocked as anyone from when Morneau won). He's also neglecting the 2000 World Series in which Jeter took home MVP against the Mets, no big deal right?


The "This Years Miracle, Next Years Indians" Award
Awarded to the team that made a surprise playoff run this year, and will fall short next year
[Previous winners: 2009 Colorado Rockies, 2010 Tampa Bay Rays, 2011 Tampa Bay Rays, 2012 Baltimore Orioles, 2013 Cleveland Indians]

---The Kansas City Royals---

The National League seems to be settling into a groove of only certain teams can make the playoffs lately. Meanwhile the Royals just ended the longest playoff drought by any major team in NA...and I say that with skepticism because I still kinda don't count the wild card game as a real playoff game. Royals can't make this years success last...

(I am 4-1 in making this prediction. My only mistake was only because the 2011 Red Sox choked, allowing the Rays to make the cut...)


The "This Years Mets, Next Years Miracle" Award
Awarded to a team that sucked this year, but can make a run next year
[Previous winners: 2009 Chicago White Sox, 2010 Chicago White Sox, 2011 Washington Nationals, 2012 Seattle Mariners, 2013 New York Yankees]

---The Chicago Cubs---

Holy crap, did I lose my mind? Who picks the Cubs to make a playoff run? Don't get me wrong, the Cubs will never win it all, but they're starting to showcase some of the young talent in their farm and look poised to flex their talent for a full season. If anything they seem to be an ace short of having a good looking future, which seems odd when you think of the trade they pulled earlier this season...


The "AAA Team In Disguise" Award
Awarded to a team that might have better luck in AAA
[Previous winners: 2009 Washington Nationals, 2010 Pittsburgh Pirates, 2011 Boston Red Sox, 2012 Houston Astros, 2013 Miami Marlins]

---The Texas Rangers---

Never has a team embodied this award title more than the Rangers this year. So many injuries piled up on them, I'm pretty sure they had a starting lineup of players who began the year in AAA. Plus they were bad, so bad even Ron Washington decided to hell with this.
Honorable mention goes out to the New York Yankees starting rotation, which rocked 4 out of 5 as minor leaguers at one point.


The "Dull Knife In The Drawer" Award
Awarded to the biggest mental error this year
[Previous winners: 2009 Washington Nati(o)nals, 2010 Barak Obama, 2011 Brian Sabean (SF), 2012 Derek Norris (OAK), Mark Pagnozzi (HOU)]

---Michael Pineda of the New York Yankees---

Pineda decided to use pine tar one day, kinda got caught by the Red Sox, but since the players they employ are anything but clean (and at least one of their pitchers cheated as well in the recent past) on top of pretending Ortiz was anything but juiced, they let it slide.
...Then he did it again 2 starts later, against the same team, because, well I'm not quite sure what made him think he'd get away with it twice, especially in a game where everyone was looking for if he did it again. He got 10 games to mull over his dumb choice in life, only for it to be topped off by him getting injured during the suspension, costing him the majority of 2014. Good job Michael.

...Still a good trade for the Yankees considering how much a disaster Jezus Montero turned out to be for Seattle.


The "Results May Vary" Award
Awarded to a player/team that didn't live up to the hype
[Previous winners: 2010 Stephen Strasburg (WAS), 2011 Carl Crawford (BOS), 2012 Los Angeles Dodgers, 2013 Toronto Blue Jays]

---The Boston Red Sox---

From worst to first and back to the worst. If anyone says the 2013 Red Sox wasn't just a happy coincidence of a bunch of scrubs all catching fire at the right time with all the right calls going their way, then point to this year and 2012 (and 2011 for good measure) as to why Boston sucks. Not since the 1998 Marlins have I seen a defending world champion suck this hard, and the 98 fish had the excuse of their owner sending all their players away. The 2014 Red Sox are essentially the same players. Jacoby Ellsbury didn't make THAT much a difference.


The "Joe West Level Of Incompetence" Award
Awarded to the umpire who made the biggest BS call(s) of the year
[Previous winners: 2011 Jerry Meals, 2012 Sam Holbrook, 2013 Fieldin Culbreth]

---Joe West---

The fact that this award existed for 3 years prior and West never won his namesake award seemed not right. But don't worry, Joe proved just how bad he was this year. In a game where Jonathan Papelbon proved just how classy a guy he was by grabbing his crotch at some fans, West did what most umpires would do and tossed him for it. As Papelbum got in his face and argued it though, West decided to cross a line by grabbing the player. Umpires are to never be touched in an argument and to do so is a punishable offense, so it would seem like the no touching rule also applies to the umpires as well. Joe West, in thinking he was hot shit, decided that rule didn't apply to him and was punished for it accordingly. I'll echo Hawk Harrelson by saying: Joe West needs to go away.


The "Ozzie Kind Of Crazy" Award
Awarded to the manager who had the most entertaining season to watch
[Previous winners: 2012 Bobby Valentine (BOS), Joe Girardi (NYY)]

---Kirk Gibson of the Arizona Diamondbacks---

Gibson would make a great manager for the Sandlot team...and that's it. Guy regularly wanted his pitchers to headhunt star players and enforce a bunch of rules with violence. Did it surprise anyone that once competent people showed up in management, that he'd be the first to go?


The "Go Stand in the Corner!" Award
Awarded to the most standout suspension of the season
[Previous winner: 2013 Ryan Braun (MIL)]

---Alex Rodriguez of the New York Yankees---
Crime: Being on Bud Selig's bad side / Being able to be mentioned in the same sentence as PEDs
Time: 162 games (He got paid for the off days)

A-Rod, aka: "Everything wrong with baseball" according to Selig, was originally suspended for all this year and whatever was left of last year, but he appealed and got to play in 2013....then went about the appeals process like a 2 year old and stormed out at one point (which I'm pretty sure the appeal goes against you on principle at that point). Pineda's suspension was pretty stupid on his part, but it's hard to overlook a suspension that covered the entire damn year, no matter how warranted/unwarranted it was.


The "They'll Let Anybody Pitch" Award
Awarded to the pitcher who should never have been allowed near a mound

---Kevin Correia of the Los Angeles Dodgers---

7-17...Guy had an ERA around 5.00 in Minnesota...the Dodgers looked at this and said "Yeah, we defiantly need this guy on roster in order to win the NL." He joined and in 9 games (3 starts) posted an ERA over 8.00. How about a K to BB ratio of 2:1?
This guy could have been easily forgettable if he stayed with the Twins, but the fact that a team favored to go to the world series picked him up and he did nothing new? That earns him shittiest pitcher honors.

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