[Posted by Ted H]
-----------------------------------------
[The 2021 MLB Turtle-Wax Awards]
These are the awards you DON'T want to win.
The "Orioles Would Rather Play In This Division" Award
Awarded to the crappiest division in baseball
[Previous winners: 2009 AL Central, 2010 AL West, 2011 AL Central, 2012 AL Central, 2013 AL West, 2014 NL East, 2015 NL East, 2016 AL Central, 2017 NL East, 2018 AL Central, 2019 AL Central, 2021 NL East]
---The American League Central: Indians, Twins, White Sox, Tigers, Royals---
Most divisions this year were pretty competent, so the bar was higher. AL Central featured just one team above .500 while Cleveland was never really in much danger of losing own on the crown. Don’t lie to me and think that the White Sox actually stood a chance...
--------------
The "What the Hell Happened to You?" Award
Awarded to the team that fell off the map when they were supposed to be contenders
[Previous winners: 2009 New York Mets, 2010 Seattle Mariners, 2011 Cincinnati Reds, 2012 Miami Marlins, 2013 California Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, 2014 Milwaukee Brewers, 2015 Seattle Mariners, 2016 Kansas City Royals, 2017 New York Mets, 2018 Washington Nationals, 2019 Boston Red Sox, 2021 Los Angelese Angels]
---The San Francisco Giants---
I get it when a team wins an ungodly number of games in one season, that a certain amount of regression is to be expected. But going from well over 100 wins to a sad .500 team is another thing entirely. The Giants were expected to compete and not be on the outside looking in come October. The Dodgers were on another level this year, so no one blames you for not winning the division, but to not even crack a wild card spot when the playoffs have been expended to accommodate almost half the league is inexcusable in a one-year turnaround.
I know I correctly predicted that they’d regress to the mean this season, but 81-81 is below the mean and drilling to rock bottom.
----------
The "Shut Your God Damn Mouth" Award
Awarded to whoever talked too much without backing it up
[Previous winners: 2009 Chicago Cubs, 2010 MLB Network, 2011 Carlos Zambrano (CHC), 2012 Boston Red Sox, 2013 Jordany Valdespin (NYM), 2014 Keith Olberman (ESPN), 2015 Boston Red Sox, 2016 Boston Red Sox fans, 2017 Yasiel Puig (LAD), 2018 San Francisco Giants, 2019 Brodie Van Wagenen (NYM), 2020 Houston Astros]
---Tim Anderson of the Chicago White Sox---
The dude previously compared himself to Jackie Robinson. That alone warrants a lifetime achievement award in this category. I should rename the award to the “Tim Anderson kind of retarded” award.
But it gets better. Every time someone crosses Anderson now, he cried bigotry and racism as why someone would call him out. Anderson is an overrated player who gets promoted because of woke politics and not ability, and he really needs to shut his God damn mouth before someone beans him with a pitch to the head or runs him over on the bases. He’ll deserve either punishment.
-----------------
The "This Years Miracle, Next Years Indians" Award
Awarded to the team that made a surprise playoff run this year, and will fall short next year
[Previous winners: 2009 Colorado Rockies, 2010 Tampa Bay Rays, 2011 Tampa Bay Rays, 2012 Baltimore Orioles, 2013 Cleveland Indians, 2014 Kansas City Royals, 2015 Houston Astros, 2016 Cleveland Indians, 2017 Minnesota Twins, 2018 Oakland Athletics, 2019 St Louis Cardinals, 2021 San Francisco Giants]
---The Tampa Bay Rays---
I feel bad here. The Rays are on a downward trend. The AL East this year was beastly (except the Red Sox) and the Rays hung in there. They managed to make the playoffs, but everyone knew they weren’t going anywhere. However, people see the Rays come up short year after year but they’re hypnotized into thinking that Tampa Bay will just flip the switch the next season and run away with the division.
No, that’s not happening. The Rays are cooked. The Yankees are the Yankees and the Blue Jays are gonna outgrow their rookies' mistakes...and now the Orioles are threatening.
-----------------------
The "This Years Phillies, Next Years Miracle" Award
Awarded to a team that sucked this year, but can make a run next year
[Previous winners: 2009 Chicago White Sox, 2010 Chicago White Sox, 2011 Washington Nationals, 2012 Seattle Mariners, 2013 New York Yankees, 2014 Chicago Cubs, 2015 Detroit Tigers, 2016 New York Yankees, 2017 San Francisco Giants, 2018 Philadelphia Phillies, 2019 Toronto Blue Jays, 2021 Cincinnati Reds]
---The Cincinnati Reds---
Well, I swung and missed last year with this prediction, so let’s double down! The Reds started off putrid to start the season, so the fact that they only lost 100 games this year is a testament to how they tried to rebound. Will they turn it around next season to threaten the playoffs? I’m not too sure on that, but of all the cellar dwelling teams this year, I feel the Reds can improve most of them all. They certainly can’t get worse.
-----------------------
The "AAA Team In Disguise" Award
Awarded to a team that might have better luck in AAA
[Previous winners: 2009 Washington Nationals, 2010 Pittsburgh Pirates, 2011 Boston Red Sox, 2012 Houston Astros, 2013 Miami Marlins, 2014 Texas Rangers, 2015 Philadelphia Phillies, 2016 Minnesota Twins, 2017 Detroit Tigers, 2018 Miami Marlins, 2019 Detroit Tigers, 2020 Pittsburgh Pirates]
---The Oakland A’s---
I’m convinced that the A’s are just stalling for their move out of Oakland and into whatever new city that they can get, be it Vegas or wherever. Until then the organization certainly doesn’t seem to be in a hurry to get out of last place.
-------------------------
The "Dull Knife in the Drawer" Award
Awarded to the biggest mental error this year
[Previous winners: 2009 Washington Nati(o)nals, 2010 Barak Obama, 2011 Brian Sabean (SF), 2012 Derek Norris (OAK), 2013 Mark Pagnozzi (HOU), 2014 Michael Pineda (NYY), 2015 Arte Moreno (LAA), 2016 Buster Posey (SFG), David Price (BOS), 2018 Gary Sanchez (NYY), 2019 Brandon Drury/Teoscar Hernandez (TOR), 2020 Jo Adell (LAA), 2021 Pittsburgh Pirates]
---The Entire Detroit Tigers Defense---
Man, oh man, both teams are pretty special (ed) in this situation. The Twins try to run themselves into outs while the Tigers just plain forget how to baseball. Two bad teams always seem to entertain as much as two great teams. Here’s a less insulting breakdown.
--------------------------
The "Results May Vary" Award
Awarded to a player/team that didn't live up to the hype
[Previous winners: 2010 Stephen Strasburg (WAS), 2011 Carl Crawford (BOS), 2012 Los Angeles Dodgers, 2013 Toronto Blue Jays, 2014 Boston Red Sox, 2015 Robinson Cano (SEA), 2016 San Diego Padres, 2017 Eric Thames (MIL), 2018 Shohei Ohtani (LAA), 2019 Bryce Harper (PHI), 2020 Mike Trout (LAA), 2021 Pitchers]
---The Los Angeles Angels---
Quick, name one player of note from the 2003-2004 Twins not named Santana. Aside from Twins fans, you likely failed. Santana was the only Twin that mattered back then, because he won all the damn time and single handedly won the AL Central every season. Sure, the Twins were usually bounced right away, but Santana won the games he pitched. The Twins weren’t good at all, but Johan was so good that he pushed his team into October all on his own.
So spare me your excuses when the Angels feature Trout and Ohtani and still can’t even sniff the playoffs. Once in a while, sure, but year after year of failure is a different story. Both are apparently “once in a generation” talent, and yet they still can’t win when it matters. The age-old excuse “Well, Trout can’t do it all by himself!” turned into “Well Trout and Ohtani can’t do it all by themselves!” How many more “Once in a generation” talents do this franchise need before they stop sucking? Or perhaps, Trout and Ohtani are a bit overrated.
-----------------------
The "Ozzie Kind of Crazy" Award
Awarded to the manager who had the most entertaining season to watch
[Previous winners: 2012 Bobby Valentine (BOS), 2013 Joe Girardi (NYY), 2014 Kirk Gibson (ARI), 2015 Matt Williams (WAS), 2016 Joe Girardi (NYY), 2017 Brad Ausmus (DET), 2018 Kevin Cash (TB), 2019 Aaron Boone (NYY), 2021 Aaron Boone (NYY)]
---Joe Girardi of the Philadelphia Phillies---
Girardi has to feel pretty low. He gets fired from an underachieving Phillies team, and his replacement looks like Bob Lemon from 1978, leads the Phillies on a comeback and sneaks into the playoffs. Not the first time something like this has happened to a manager, but Girardi went back to guest spotting on MLB Network, where he can give live analysis of his former team winning without him. On one hand, who better to give commentary of the Phillies than their former manager...but on the other hand, what better way to be embarrassed than by having to talk about how much better your old team is without you.
---------------------
The "Go Stand in the Corner!" Award
Awarded to the most standout suspension of the season
[Previous winners: 2013 Ryan Braun (MIL), 2014 Alex Rodriguez (NYY), 2015 Jonathan Papelbon (WAS), 2016 Rougned Odor (TEX), 2017 Austin Romine (NYY), 2018 Ken Giles (HOU), 2019 Clint Fraizer (NYY), 2020 Joe Kelly (LAD), 2021 Coronavirus]
---Myles Straw or the Cleveland Indians---
Crime: Attempting to climb into the stands to go after a fan
Time: “You’re a pussy!”
I take you back to a weekend game in Yankee Stadium. Yankees trail the Indians (I will not acknowledge a woke name change) by a run when NY rallies late, capped off with a drive deep to left that the left fielder can’t handle, blow the play and lets tha Yankees tie and eventually win the game. In the moment, Yankee fans in left properly jeer the opposing player for running into a wall and blowing the game. Myles Straw takes exception and climbs the wall to yell at the fans. He is properly greeted with more jeers and an awesome bit of sign language trash talking that slipped passed the censors.
And if you think Yankee fans aren’t smart, then you don’t know Yankee fans. Come ALDS time, fans serenaded Straw from the stands with the verbal translation of what that fan hand signaled to him.
May he never outlive this.
----------------------
The "Just Retire Already!" Award
Awarded to the player on the wrong side of their prime
[Previous winner: 2015 Bartolo Colon (NYM), 2016 Alex Rodriguez (FA), 2017 Bartolo Colon (MIN), 2018 Felix Hernandez (SEA), 2019 Chris Davis (BAL), 2021 Justin Verlander (HOU)]
---Nelson Cruz of the Washington Nationals---
2022 was a disaster for the Nationals, and Nelson Cruz was part of the problem. His power is gone and he never had any defensive usefulness. The Nats bought out his contract and he needs to take the hint.
----------------------
The "Just Retire Already!" Award
Awarded to the player on the wrong side of their prime
[Previous winner: 2015 Bartolo Colon (NYM), 2016 Alex Rodriguez (FA), 2017 Bartolo Colon (MIN), 2018 Felix Hernandez (SEA), 2019 Chris Davis (BAL), 2021 Justin Verlander (HOU)]
---Nelson Cruz of the Washington Nationals---
2022 was a disaster for the Nationals, and Nelson Cruz was part of the problem. His power is gone and he never had any defensive usefulness. The Nats bought out his contract and he needs to take the hint.
