October 25, 2020

Exorcism Bath

[Posted by Ted H]

Oh goodness! Just in time for Halloween, its an update! Woooooooooooooooooooo!

James Blake returns for a little side adventure.

NaNoWriMo news upcoming...


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[Exorcism Bath]     

                  “You have no power here!” 

Blake sighed. It wasn’t exactly a common taunt thrown his way, but the theme was. Another demonic possession thinking it was invincible. The movies make it seem like exorcisms were much harder than they were supposed to be. He enjoyed explaining that the only real requirement for pulling demons out was being baptized and knowing the general tricks of the trade. 

The task was tedious, but the pay was always worth it. Family members always freak out in the presence of a genuine possession, also thanks to movies. The younger the possessed, the more they’d be willing to pay. So, when Blake received word of an 8-year-old girl taken by a demonic presence, he saw dollar signs. 

This one however, was proving to be worthy of the high price tag Blake was charging. The usual tricks weren’t doing much good. It had been several hours, and that wasn’t the first mocking taunt little Alice was spouting with her deep and grating voice. Blake instinctively reached for a cigarette while he pondered what to do next. There was no rush, Alice was securely tied to the bed and not going anywhere. 

“The parents don’t want you smoking.” John spoke up from the seat he took in the corner. Occasionally he’d rise and assist Blake if a second set of hands were required, but otherwise he was kicking back on his phone and letting Blake work. Blake ignored him as he pulled out his lighter and ignited. 

“Blake...” John repeated. Blake rolled his eyes and threw his free hand in the air. “They didn’t want smoke in the kitchen,” he protested. “We’re still in the house,” John replied “Pretty sure it wasn’t a kitchen only rule.” 

“Take a deep breath,” Blake said “Though your nose.” John chuckled and make no attempt to do that. The room reeked. Vomit everywhere; On Alice, on the bed, the walls, the ceiling and soaked into the rug. Even before the men arrived the room was covered and yet Alice had enough bile in the tank to produce regular streams throughout the exorcism despite not eating for the last three days. 

“They won’t sniff a thing,” Blake said as he lit up. “They didn’t want you smoking downstairs,” John said “You really think they won’t have issue with smoking around their daughter?” Blake laughed out his first smoke. “I think second hand smoke isn’t the most pressing helth concern.” 

“Am I being ignored?” Alice barked. 

“Of course not,” Blake said with a mocking smile “We were talking about your health. “My health is failing,” Alice said with her own mock smile “This pitiful vessel can’t handle me and all your parlor tricks merely hasten its demise!” 

“Oh no, a ticking clock,” Blake said sarcastically. Usually he enjoyed some of the demons, some making it fun sport to see how long they can hold on before being forced out. But this one in particular was full of itself and its claim about Alice’s body giving out might not be a bluff. Blake was dealing with the type that give demonic possession a bad name where all the movies get their inspiration from. 

A fun secret of the trade Blake had picked up on early was that while most possessors couldn’t care less about the human they were taking over, they still couldn’t be bothered to drag the process out so long that the human might die; usually they get bored or get caught off guard and ejected early. 

Alice, sadly, was currently infested with a stubborn demon that was ready to drag this out to the bitter end. “You know, I’m aware that possessing a dying girl is really painful for you too,” Blake said as he calmly smoked “So is there a reason you’re going above and beyond or do you just have an axe to grind?” 

Alice spit a combination of bile and blood out and started laughing. Blake rolled his eyes as he approached the bedside. He navigated his hand away from any snapping teeth and felt Alice’s pulse. “What are you doing?” John asked. “She could be better,” Blake answered “But death isn’t an immediate concern. I have time to make a phone call.” 

Both Alice and John stared in bewilderment as Blake walked over and took John’s phone then left the room. “Is he mocking me?” Alice asked. “Don’t involve me,” John responded “You have a problem with Blake, wait for him to return to bitch about it.” Alice bared her teeth and growled. “Kill him,” she finally spoke with a lower voice than before. 

“Excuse you?” John asked. 

“Take your gun and shoot him.” 

Gonna pass on that.” 

“I will make it worth your while.” 

“I’m sure.” 

“You miss you sister?” 

John hesitated. “What?” 

“I will replace myself in this vessel with her. All for the simple exchange for the miscreant’s life.” 

John exhaled slowly as Alice smiled. “It is a simple choice to make,” she reiterated. 

John smiled as a chuckle escaped him. “Yeah, no,” he said “I’m just messing with you.” 

“I am a demon of my word.” 

“Real reassuring. By the way...Which sister would you swap with?” 

Alice was silent. 

“There’s two of them down there, ya know. Which one would I get?” 

“The, uh...The younger one.” 

John rolled his eyes and laughed more heartedly as Blake returned. “I miss a joke?” he asked. “Don’t worry about it,” John said as he snatched back his phone. “Whatever,” Blake dismissed “Either way, let’s take a break. We got about half an hour or so before our new guest arrives. Imma go draw a bath. Alice growled as the men talked. “Don’t worry, honey,” Blake said with a smirk, “The bath’s for you. Let’s go, John, I need a hand.” 

John and Blake went to the bathroom where Blake began filling the bathtub, then John assisted him in going down into the garage and shed to gather various buckets and pales to also fill. They worked in relative silence, only interrupted occasionally by the concerned parents, until the doorbell sounded. The men finished up and walked down the stairs just as a Hispanic man holding a small bible was let in. He was in all black with a white priest collar. 

“Father Jorge!” Blake said as the man bowed to the parents and shook Blake’s hand. “Hello my friend,” he said “I trust you are of your word?” 

“Would I lie to you?” Blake responded “I said I’d call you when you could do more than just spectate and here we are!” 

“I thought you didn’t need to be a priest...” the mother started. 

“True, but there are certain things a priest can do to help speed things along,” Blake said with a passing glance. 

“We could’ve just called the church to begin with,” the father said. 

“No,” Father Jorge said “The church is very strict about these things. There is a whole vetting process and verification that needs to happen. Even after a freelance exorcism like Mr. Blake here is doing, they investigate. So officially, I was never here. I could get into trouble.” 

“There are only five official exorcists worldwide,” Blake added “And none in the United States.” 

“Where is the clos-” the father began to ask before both Father Jorge and Blake in unison said “Mexico.” 

“Speed is of the essence,” Father Jorge said with another bow “My presence here should be minimal.” The parents nodded without question. Blake rolled his eyes as he removed his trench coat. “Let’s roll!” he said as he slapped Father Jorge on the back and everyone went upstairs. 

At the bathroom, Blake gestured to the filled buckets and tub. “We need all this to be holy,” he said as Father Jorge nodded and placed his bible down to roll his sleeves up. “Follow me, John.” Blake and John headed back to Alice’s room while the parents watched Father Jorge bless the water. 

“Good lord it stinks in here,” Blake said as he walked back into the bedroom. Alice glared at them as they approached her from both sides of her bad. “Young lady, you need a bath,” Blake said with a grin. An inhuman growl escaped from deep inside Alice as bile began to run down from her nostrils. 

“Get ready to hold her good, John,” Blake said as he began to undo one of Alice’s straps. “I got it, don’t worry,” John griped. “Like last time?” Blake said with a smirk. John rolled his eyes and didn’t respond. “Seriously,” Blake said “If what happened last time occurs, it’s gonna be you all alone in the sewers looking for a possessed child.” John shook his head. 

“I will not be ignored!” Alice bellowed. Blake, without looking smacked her in the face with the back of his hand. “The adults are talking,” he chastised “All I’m saying, John, is don’t be afraid to use a full nelson.” They undid some straps and John used his full weight to hold the thrashing Alice in place. Blake finished releasing the restraints, having to cut the last one with his knife, and helped John lift her up and carry out of the room and down the narrow hall. 

“Oh my God!” the mother exclaimed as the father held her back. Blake and John ignored them as they squeezed themselves into the bathroom where Father Jorge was waiting. Blake reached one hand quickly into the tub and flicked water onto Alice’s face. The effect was immediate and the water started to sizzle. Alice growled at it. 

“You know what this is,” Blake said “So imagine taking a bath in it. Leave the child, now.” Alice forced a mocking laugh. “She’ll drown before I leave!” she proclaimed. “Let’s roll that die,” Blake said as he and John lowered her into the water. 

Immediately, steam exploded out and over as Alice thrashed and screamed in simultaneous multiple tones. John stepped back and prepared a bucket while Blake alone held her in the water, occasionally letting her breath before forcing her head back under. The water in the tub began to boil as John began to dump more holy water onto her, eliciting new cries of agony. 

“You’re killing her!” the mother screamed, straining to be heard over the wails and of Father Jorge blessing the next bucket in John’s arms. “Probably,” Blake said without looking. He raised Alice’s head towards him. “Still having fun?” he asked, then dumped her back under water without waiting for a response; The blackened teeth and soulless eyes of the girl telling him enough. 

“Getting low on buckets!” John notified as Blake brought up Alice again for air. She forced a laugh out, but was otherwise exhausted and worried. “Then Father Jorge will bless the faucet,” Blake said with a sadistic smile. Alice quickly drew in a breath and spit blood onto Blake. “John, pour slow,” he said. 

John carefully held the bucket over Alice and began to pour the water out onto her steaming head. Blake then tilted her back and held her mouth open so the liquid went directly into her mouth. She had a death grip on his wrist and was spasming her legs as she desperately tried to cough out the water, but to no avail. It flooded into her nose and sinuses as she was forced to consume and swallow. John ran empty as blood began to spill out the sides of her mouth along with the excess holy water. Without waiting, Blake plunged her back underwater despite the growing sobs of the mother. 

Blake pulled her out briefly. “Still here?” he asked as Alice desperately tried to cough for air. In the second he had to look, Blake didn’t like what he saw so he resumed drowning the child. “Yeah? No?” he asked as he brought her back up to see no change. Back into the water she went as John readied the next bucket and dumped it as soon as Alice was brought up for air again. The holy water was cooking her skin and the bathroom was thick in the steamy haze it was creating. 

“Last one,” John announced as Blake brought the child back up yet again from the water. Then immediately motioned John to halt. The graveled bellows of a demon in pain were replaced by the higher pitched screams of a child. The black, soulless eyes were fixed to their appropriate shade of brown. The skin was still cooked from before, but it was no longer burning. Alice was exorcised. 

“Well that wasn’t such a chore, eh?” Blake proclaimed as Alice screeched for her mother, who in turn charged into the room and almost bowled Blake over in retrieving her waterlogged daughter from the tub. “Right,” Blake said as he reached in and unplugged the tub to let it drain, the once pristine and clear water now blackened from the blood and excrement inside. “I hope you have bleach,” Blake said as the mother left with Alice and the father walked in to survey the tub. 

“Alice is burned and scarred all over from what you did,” he said, not doing much to hide his displeasure. “You got your daughter back, right? No one said it would be a painless procedure,” Blake said with a shrug. “How can we explain those injuries to others?” The father asked, not taking his eyes from the draining tub “No one knew she was...ah, possessed.” 

“Just say she was messing around in the tub and turned the water too hot,” Blake said “Kids are stupid. It’s believable.” 

The father tried to say something to that, but no words came out. He silently turned and went looking for his family. Blake stood up and wrung out the end of his shirt. The procedure had left him soaked. “Job well done, boys,” he said. “Should I dump this?” John asked as he held up the final bucket of holy water. “Eh...Do you want it?” Blake asked, looking at Father Jorge. 

Father Jorge smiled and shook his head. “Where I am there is plenty,” he said “And I can always make more. 

“Fair enough,” Blake said as he looked to John. “Bring that to the car and see what we have to transport it with,” he said “Never can have enough.” John nodded and walked out and down the stairs while Blake followed Father Jorge who was wandering down the hall and peeked into the bedroom. 

“Stinks in there, right?” Blake asked. Father Jorge either didn’t hear, or was ignoring. “So much pain and suffering in there,” he reflected out loud “A child’s room should only contain love and happiness.” He made a face of disgust, as the room offended his very sensibilities. “The darkness in there predates the demon’s influence,” he finally said with sorrow in his voice. 

Blake shrugged. “Can’t save kids from everything bad in the world,” Blake said “All we can do is fight a few of the monsters.” 

“We can,” Father Jorge reasoned “Not the same exciting and ruthless ways you do, but no monster is beyond fighting.” 

“This is where our oaths divert,” Blake said “I’m just paid to do a job. You’re looking to do pro bono good.” 

“Vow of poverty, my friend. Allows you to look towards the greater good over personal gain.” 

Blake shrugged as both men made their way for the stairs. The father was waiting for them by the door. “Is it over?” he asked. “All over except for the therapy,” Blake said as he took up his trench coat and put it on. 

“What if it comes back?” 

“Demons usually do,” Blake responded while patting himself down to find his cigarettes “But Alice’s odds of getting repossessed are the same as anyone getting possessed; slim to none. But if you want reassuring, that demon will know better than to go after Alice knowing what happened in that bath.” 

Father Jorge laughed, the father didn’t. “Look,” Blake continued “You paid for an exorcism. If Alice isn’t clean, I’ll come back free of charge and finish the job.” The father slowly nodded and Blake took that as his cue to leave. Father Jorge shook the father’s hand. “Alice won’t have to worry about any further suffering,” he said “You have my word.” He then followed Blake. 

“See?” Blake said as he pulled out a cigarette and lighter “I can do nice things without pay.” 

“I wouldn’t have believed it if I wasn’t standing there,” Father Jorge responded with a grin. 

Thaaaaaaaaaat’s ironic,” Blake said. Both men laughed. 

John walked up to them with an empty bucket. “We good to go?” he asked. “Yeah,” Blake said with a lit cigarette “They paid up front, so we good.” 

“I’m going to say a proper farewell to the family and bless the daughter,” Father Jorge said. He shook Blake and John’s hands then quickly blessed them both, then walked back for the house. John and Blake set themselves into the car and John began to drive them off. 

“How do you know that priest?” John asked s soon as the house was out of view. 

“Father Jorge?” Blake said as he rolled down a window and blew smoke “He’s one of those guys I ran into and found effective and interesting.” 

“Not a lot of priests lining up to associate with you.” 

“Let’s just say he has a similar view like me when it comes to getting results.” 

“You mean that philosophy of: Collateral damage be damned so long as you get the win?” 

“Yeah,” Blake said as he chuckled “Something like that.” Blake continued to smoke his cigarette as they drove in silence. When he finished, he tossed the butt out the window and said “That mother is gonna die.” 

“Uh...what?” John asked. 

“Father Jorge just knew something was wrong with that kid even before the possession.” 

“Why do I even bother running backgrounds on clients? Just use the priest.” 

“We knew potential abuse going in. But he just knew. He read the room and he just knew.” 

“So, what, he just gonna rampage?” 

“Oh, he’ll do the usual avenues. See if he can get CPS involved, get the husband to notice in case he’s unaware. Those boring options.” 

“That’s a tall order for someone who just today met everyone.” 

“Well, once the usual unreliable methods fail, and this is where the interesting aspect of Father Jorge comes into play, he won’t think twice of straight up murdering the offender.” 

“...He’s a priest though.” 

“With a utilitarian world view.” 

“Oh, Jesus. I feel conflicted on this.” 

“Don’t. He’ll only act when he knows there’s no other options.” 

“I still think killing someone should be avoided.” 

“Whatever, that’s his mission. Let him worry about it.” 

“You don’t wanna get involved anymore? It is because of you he even suspects abuse.” 

“That sounds like pro bono work. You know that’s not our scene.” 

October 1, 2020

The 2020 MLB Turtle-Wax Awards

 [Posted by Ted H]

WuFlu edition!

Yes, I am writing. No, it is not efficiently.

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[The 2020 MLB Turtle-Wax Awards]

These are the awards you DON'T want to win. 


The "Rays And Orioles Would Rather Play In This Division" Award 

Awarded to the crappiest division in baseball 

[Previous winners: 2009 AL Central, 2010 AL West, 2011 AL Central, 2012 AL Central, 2013 AL West, 2014 NL East, 2015 NL East, 2016 AL Central, 2017 NL East, 2018 AL Central, 2019 AL Central] 


---China Virus cancellation--- 

Divisions this year played their season the same way Alabama handles their porn: keep it in the family, or “step” family aka AL East can only play against their fellow East division teams, or their step-siblings in the other leagues East division. 

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The "Steroid Accusation Rookie of The Year" Award 

Awarded to the slugger who is probably gonna get accused of steroids next, if not already 

(I am NOT accusing the winner of steroids, just sayin...) 

[Previous winners: 2009 Aaron Hill (TOR), 2010 Corey Hart (MIL), 2011 Jacoby Ellsbury (BOS), 2012 Edwin Encarnacion (TOR), 2013 Chris Davis (BAL), 2014 Victor Martinez (DET), 2015 Nolan Arenado (COL), 2016 Brian Dozier (MIN), 2017 Justin Smoak (TOR), 2018 Christian Yelich (MIL), 2019 Baseballs] 


---China Virus cancellation--- 


Luke Voit led baseball with 22 dingers. This isn’t 1920. That’s not acceptable. 


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 The "What The Hell Happened To You?" Award 

Awarded to the team that fell off the map when they were supposed to be contenders 

[Previous winners: 2009 New York Mets, 2010 Seattle Mariners, 2011 Cincinnati Reds, 2012 Miami Marlins, 2013 California Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, 2014 Milwaukee Brewers, 2015 Seattle Mariners, 2016 Kansas City Royals, 2017 New York Mets, 2018 Washington Nationals, 2019 Boston Red Sox] 


 ---Washington Nationals--- 


 I get it, I get it. Last year they started like crap and still turned out a title run. This year though there was attention. Everyone was looking at you to take that championship form and apply it to a fresh year to show your opponents what a defending champion looks like. The bar was even at an all-time low this season. Half the league makes the playoffs this time and you don’t even need to be .500 or better to get in! All you had to do was show up! 


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 The "Shut Your God Damn Mouth" Award 

Awarded to whoever talked too much without backing it up 

[Previous winners: 2009 Chicago Cubs, 2010 MLB Network, 2011 Carlos Zambrano (CHC), 2012 Boston Red Sox, 2013 Jordany Valdespin (NYM), 2014 Keith Olberman (ESPN), 2015 Boston Red Sox, 2016 Boston Red Sox fans, 2017 Yasiel Puig (LAD), 2018 San Francisco Giants, 2019 Brodie Van Wagenen (NYM)] 


 ---The Houston Astros--- 


 “We’ll show you! We don’t need to cheat to be great!” 

How’d that work out for you? 29-31 record and all your stars having career low hitting seasons. You really need those buzzers and trash cans it seems. Too bad this year playoff participation requires a pulse of you’d be long eliminated. 


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 The "This Years Miracle, Next Years Indians" Award 

Awarded to the team that made a surprise playoff run this year, and will fall short next year 

[Previous winners: 2009 Colorado Rockies, 2010 Tampa Bay Rays, 2011 Tampa Bay Rays, 2012 Baltimore Orioles, 2013 Cleveland Indians, 2014 Kansas City Royals, 2015 Houston Astros, 2016 Cleveland Indians, 2017 Minnesota Twins, 2018 Oakland Athletics, 2019 St Louis Cardinals] 


 ---China Virus cancellation--- 


 Almost everyone makes the playoffs this year. Too easy to pick a crappy team to fall short in future seasons... 


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The "This Years Phillies, Next Years Miracle" Award 

Awarded to a team that sucked this year, but can make a run next year 

[Previous winners: 2009 Chicago White Sox, 2010 Chicago White Sox, 2011 Washington Nationals, 2012 Seattle Mariners, 2013 New York Yankees, 2014 Chicago Cubs, 2015 Detroit Tigers, 2016 New York Yankees, 2017 San Francisco Giants, 2018 Philadelphia Phillies, 2019 Toronto Blue Jays] 


 ---China Virus cancellation--- 


 Again, the overloaded playoff roster this year means some team that normally wouldn’t make it but is clearly on the upward swing (Toronto) easily made the cut this year. Push. 


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 The "AAA Team In Disguise" Award 

Awarded to a team that might have better luck in AAA 

[Previous winners: 2009 Washington Nationals, 2010 Pittsburgh Pirates, 2011 Boston Red Sox, 2012 Houston Astros, 2013 Miami Marlins, 2014 Texas Rangers, 2015 Philadelphia Phillies, 2016 Minnesota Twins, 2017 Detroit Tigers, 2018 Miami Marlins, 2019 Detroit Tigers] 


 ---The Pittsburgh Pirates--- 


 Your entire division except you made the playoffs. Even the Reds and Brewers dug deep and churned out enough wins. Your other opponents this year were the always crappy AL Central, handing out wins to whoever wanted them. No Yankees, no Dodgers, no real challenges, and you STILL ended up as the only team to not even win 20 games...Good lord, man. 


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 The "Dull Knife in the Drawer" Award 

Awarded to the biggest mental error this year 

[Previous winners: 2009 Washington Nati(o)nals, 2010 Barak Obama, 2011 Brian Sabean (SF), 2012 Derek Norris (OAK), 2013 Mark Pagnozzi (HOU), 2014 Michael Pineda (NYY), 2015 Arte Moreno (LAA), 2016 Buster Posey (SFG), David Price (BOS), 2018 Gary Sanchez (NYY), 2019 Brandon Drury/Teoscar Hernandez (TOR)] 


 ---Jo Adell of the Los Angeles Angels--- 


 Nick Solak of the Rangers hits a routine fly ball to right. Adell tracks it down raises his hand to catch, the ball comes down, hits the glove...then pops up and bounces right over the fence for a home run. Not quite Jose Canseco levels of terrible outfield glovework, but you still look like an idiot for essentially helping a ball in its journey to not be caught. Guess you can’t have Mike Trout patrol the entire outfield at once. And speaking of him... 


 -------------------------- 


The "Results May Vary" Award 

Awarded to a player/team that didn't live up to the hype 

[Previous winners: 2010 Stephen Strasburg (WAS), 2011 Carl Crawford (BOS), 2012 Los Angeles Dodgers, 2013 Toronto Blue Jays, 2014 Boston Red Sox, 2015 Robinson Cano (SEA), 2016 San Diego Padres, 2017 Eric Thames (MIL), 2018 Shohei Ohtani (LAA), Bryce Harper (PHI)] 


 ---Mike Trout of the Los Angeles Angels--- 


 I think it’s time we officially recognize Mike Trout as the greatest player of all time...of people who will never be truly elite. Hear me out. 

What’s the excuse this season? Half of all baseball made the cut for the postseason this time! Are you telling me that for all the amazing skill Mike Trout possesses, he still is unable to get a mediocre to good team over the hump? 

There’s a reason why Derek Jeter was known as the best of his generation. He ALWAYS found a way to put the Yankees into October, if not helping them outright win it all. 

Mike Trout will never be near the greatness of Derek Jeter. 


 ----------------------- 


 The "Ozzie Kind of Crazy" Award 

Awarded to the manager who had the most entertaining season to watch 

[Previous winners: 2012 Bobby Valentine (BOS), 2013 Joe Girardi (NYY), 2014 Kirk Gibson (ARI), Matt Williams (WAS), Joe Girardi (NYY), Brad Ausmus (DET), Kevin Cash (TB)] 


 ---China Virus cancellation--- 


 No ones job in in real danger or interest in a 2 month season. 


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 The "Go Stand in the Corner!" Award 

Awarded to the most standout suspension of the season 

[Previous winners: 2013 Ryan Braun (MIL), 2014 Alex Rodriguez (NYY), 2015 Jonathan Papelbon (WAS), Rougned Odor (TEX), Austin Romine (NYY), Ken Giles (HOU), Clint Fraizer (NYY)] 


 ---Joe Kelly of the Los Angeles Dodgers--- 


Crime: Throwing at cheaters
Time: 8 games, 5 after appeal 


 People wanted retribution against the Houston Astros after the full light fell upon how they cheated to greatness...and got ZERO punishment. Enter the Dodgers, victims of not only Houston's cheating...but of Boston’s cheating ways as well from 2018. So naturally a few up and in pitches were expected. My objection is that this retribution was doled out by a member of the 2018 cheating Boston Red Sox. Seems fitting though that SOMEONE from that cheating team got a punishment, even if it was misdirected karma. 


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The "Just Retire Already!" Award 

Awarded to the player on the wrong side of their prime 

[Previous winner: 2015 Bartolo Colon (NYM), Alex Rodriguez (FA), Bartolo Colon (MIN), Felix Hernandez (SEA)] 


 

 ---China Virus cancellation--- 


 With the number of people opting out of the 2020 season, it seemed unavoidable that there would be people playing instead that really shouldn’t.