The 2020 MLB Turtle-Wax Awards

 [Posted by Ted H]

WuFlu edition!

Yes, I am writing. No, it is not efficiently.

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[The 2020 MLB Turtle-Wax Awards]

These are the awards you DON'T want to win. 

The "Rays And Orioles Would Rather Play In This Division" Award 

Awarded to the crappiest division in baseball 

[Previous winners: 2009 AL Central, 2010 AL West, 2011 AL Central, 2012 AL Central, 2013 AL West, 2014 NL East, 2015 NL East, 2016 AL Central, 2017 NL East, 2018 AL Central, 2019 AL Central] 

---China Virus cancellation--- 

Divisions this year played their season the same way Alabama handles their porn: keep it in the family, or “step” family aka AL East can only play against their fellow East division teams, or their step-siblings in the other leagues East division. 

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The "Steroid Accusation Rookie of The Year" Award 

Awarded to the slugger who is probably gonna get accused of steroids next, if not already 

(I am NOT accusing the winner of steroids, just sayin...) 

[Previous winners: 2009 Aaron Hill (TOR), 2010 Corey Hart (MIL), 2011 Jacoby Ellsbury (BOS), 2012 Edwin Encarnacion (TOR), 2013 Chris Davis (BAL), 2014 Victor Martinez (DET), 2015 Nolan Arenado (COL), 2016 Brian Dozier (MIN), 2017 Justin Smoak (TOR), 2018 Christian Yelich (MIL), 2019 Baseballs] 

---China Virus cancellation--- 

Luke Voit led baseball with 22 dingers. This isn’t 1920. That’s not acceptable. 

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 The "What The Hell Happened To You?" Award 

Awarded to the team that fell off the map when they were supposed to be contenders 

[Previous winners: 2009 New York Mets, 2010 Seattle Mariners, 2011 Cincinnati Reds, 2012 Miami Marlins, 2013 California Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, 2014 Milwaukee Brewers, 2015 Seattle Mariners, 2016 Kansas City Royals, 2017 New York Mets, 2018 Washington Nationals, 2019 Boston Red Sox] 

 ---Washington Nationals--- 

 I get it, I get it. Last year they started like crap and still turned out a title run. This year though there was attention. Everyone was looking at you to take that championship form and apply it to a fresh year to show your opponents what a defending champion looks like. The bar was even at an all-time low this season. Half the league makes the playoffs this time and you don’t even need to be .500 or better to get in! All you had to do was show up! 

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 The "Shut Your God Damn Mouth" Award 

Awarded to whoever talked too much without backing it up 

[Previous winners: 2009 Chicago Cubs, 2010 MLB Network, 2011 Carlos Zambrano (CHC), 2012 Boston Red Sox, 2013 Jordany Valdespin (NYM), 2014 Keith Olberman (ESPN), 2015 Boston Red Sox, 2016 Boston Red Sox fans, 2017 Yasiel Puig (LAD), 2018 San Francisco Giants, 2019 Brodie Van Wagenen (NYM)] 

 ---The Houston Astros--- 

 “We’ll show you! We don’t need to cheat to be great!” 

How’d that work out for you? 29-31 record and all your stars having career low hitting seasons. You really need those buzzers and trash cans it seems. Too bad this year playoff participation requires a pulse of you’d be long eliminated. 

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 The "This Years Miracle, Next Years Indians" Award 

Awarded to the team that made a surprise playoff run this year, and will fall short next year 

[Previous winners: 2009 Colorado Rockies, 2010 Tampa Bay Rays, 2011 Tampa Bay Rays, 2012 Baltimore Orioles, 2013 Cleveland Indians, 2014 Kansas City Royals, 2015 Houston Astros, 2016 Cleveland Indians, 2017 Minnesota Twins, 2018 Oakland Athletics, 2019 St Louis Cardinals] 

 ---China Virus cancellation--- 

 Almost everyone makes the playoffs this year. Too easy to pick a crappy team to fall short in future seasons... 

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The "This Years Phillies, Next Years Miracle" Award 

Awarded to a team that sucked this year, but can make a run next year 

[Previous winners: 2009 Chicago White Sox, 2010 Chicago White Sox, 2011 Washington Nationals, 2012 Seattle Mariners, 2013 New York Yankees, 2014 Chicago Cubs, 2015 Detroit Tigers, 2016 New York Yankees, 2017 San Francisco Giants, 2018 Philadelphia Phillies, 2019 Toronto Blue Jays] 

 ---China Virus cancellation--- 

 Again, the overloaded playoff roster this year means some team that normally wouldn’t make it but is clearly on the upward swing (Toronto) easily made the cut this year. Push. 

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 The "AAA Team In Disguise" Award 

Awarded to a team that might have better luck in AAA 

[Previous winners: 2009 Washington Nationals, 2010 Pittsburgh Pirates, 2011 Boston Red Sox, 2012 Houston Astros, 2013 Miami Marlins, 2014 Texas Rangers, 2015 Philadelphia Phillies, 2016 Minnesota Twins, 2017 Detroit Tigers, 2018 Miami Marlins, 2019 Detroit Tigers] 

 ---The Pittsburgh Pirates--- 

 Your entire division except you made the playoffs. Even the Reds and Brewers dug deep and churned out enough wins. Your other opponents this year were the always crappy AL Central, handing out wins to whoever wanted them. No Yankees, no Dodgers, no real challenges, and you STILL ended up as the only team to not even win 20 games...Good lord, man. 

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 The "Dull Knife in the Drawer" Award 

Awarded to the biggest mental error this year 

[Previous winners: 2009 Washington Nati(o)nals, 2010 Barak Obama, 2011 Brian Sabean (SF), 2012 Derek Norris (OAK), 2013 Mark Pagnozzi (HOU), 2014 Michael Pineda (NYY), 2015 Arte Moreno (LAA), 2016 Buster Posey (SFG), David Price (BOS), 2018 Gary Sanchez (NYY), 2019 Brandon Drury/Teoscar Hernandez (TOR)] 

 ---Jo Adell of the Los Angeles Angels--- 

 Nick Solak of the Rangers hits a routine fly ball to right. Adell tracks it down raises his hand to catch, the ball comes down, hits the glove...then pops up and bounces right over the fence for a home run. Not quite Jose Canseco levels of terrible outfield glovework, but you still look like an idiot for essentially helping a ball in its journey to not be caught. Guess you can’t have Mike Trout patrol the entire outfield at once. And speaking of him... 

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The "Results May Vary" Award 

Awarded to a player/team that didn't live up to the hype 

[Previous winners: 2010 Stephen Strasburg (WAS), 2011 Carl Crawford (BOS), 2012 Los Angeles Dodgers, 2013 Toronto Blue Jays, 2014 Boston Red Sox, 2015 Robinson Cano (SEA), 2016 San Diego Padres, 2017 Eric Thames (MIL), 2018 Shohei Ohtani (LAA), Bryce Harper (PHI)] 

 ---Mike Trout of the Los Angeles Angels--- 

 I think it’s time we officially recognize Mike Trout as the greatest player of all time...of people who will never be truly elite. Hear me out. 

What’s the excuse this season? Half of all baseball made the cut for the postseason this time! Are you telling me that for all the amazing skill Mike Trout possesses, he still is unable to get a mediocre to good team over the hump? 

There’s a reason why Derek Jeter was known as the best of his generation. He ALWAYS found a way to put the Yankees into October, if not helping them outright win it all. 

Mike Trout will never be near the greatness of Derek Jeter. 

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 The "Ozzie Kind of Crazy" Award 

Awarded to the manager who had the most entertaining season to watch 

[Previous winners: 2012 Bobby Valentine (BOS), 2013 Joe Girardi (NYY), 2014 Kirk Gibson (ARI), Matt Williams (WAS), Joe Girardi (NYY), Brad Ausmus (DET), Kevin Cash (TB)] 

 ---China Virus cancellation--- 

 No ones job in in real danger or interest in a 2 month season. 

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 The "Go Stand in the Corner!" Award 

Awarded to the most standout suspension of the season 

[Previous winners: 2013 Ryan Braun (MIL), 2014 Alex Rodriguez (NYY), 2015 Jonathan Papelbon (WAS), Rougned Odor (TEX), Austin Romine (NYY), Ken Giles (HOU), Clint Fraizer (NYY)] 

 ---Joe Kelly of the Los Angeles Dodgers--- 

Crime: Throwing at cheaters
Time: 8 games, 5 after appeal 

 People wanted retribution against the Houston Astros after the full light fell upon how they cheated to greatness...and got ZERO punishment. Enter the Dodgers, victims of not only Houston's cheating...but of Boston’s cheating ways as well from 2018. So naturally a few up and in pitches were expected. My objection is that this retribution was doled out by a member of the 2018 cheating Boston Red Sox. Seems fitting though that SOMEONE from that cheating team got a punishment, even if it was misdirected karma. 

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The "Just Retire Already!" Award 

Awarded to the player on the wrong side of their prime 

[Previous winner: 2015 Bartolo Colon (NYM), Alex Rodriguez (FA), Bartolo Colon (MIN), Felix Hernandez (SEA)] 

 

 ---China Virus cancellation--- 

 With the number of people opting out of the 2020 season, it seemed unavoidable that there would be people playing instead that really shouldn’t.