I know, I know, I've been seriously MIA this year. Don't worry, my attempt at a comeback begins, as always, in NaNoWriMo...
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[The 2019 MLB Turtle-Wax Awards]
These are the awards you DON'T want to win.
The "Rays And Orioles Would Rather Play In This Division" Award
Awarded to the crappiest division in baseball
[Previous winners: 2009 AL Central, 2010 AL West, 2011 AL Central, 2012 AL Central, 2013 AL West, 2014 NL East, 2015 NL East, 2016 AL Central, 2017 NL East, 2018 AL Central]
---The American League Central: Indians, Royals, Tigers, Twins, White Sox---
Yup, these idiots again. 4 of the 6 divisions featured 2 teams with at least 90 losses. The White Sox had 89 losses, so they almost gave this division 3 in total. But the Royals and Tigers didn’t just put up a lot of losses, they each lost over 100 games, making the ALC the only division with multiple 100 loss teams.
“But what about the 100-win Twins?” Well, you have a good shot of 100 wins if you got to play the Tigers, Royals and Sox all season. But how did the Twinkies fare against real competition? Not good. Not good at all. They were 32-37 against teams above .500...in fact not a single team in the ALC had a winning record against teams with winning records. Also, the 101-win ALC Champion Twins walked into the playoffs and walked right back out in a sad 3 game sweep in the first round. In fact, the Twins just tied an all-time sports record for pathetic playoff performance with their 16th straight loss. To be fair though, 13 of those 16 losses have been at the hands of the New York Yankees. ...In case you’re wondering, the only other team to lose 16 playoff games in a row are the Chicago Black Hawks of the NHL. That’s not an active streak though, so the next playoffs the Twins make might feature an infamous 17th straight loss.
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The "Steroid Accusation Rookie of The Year" Award
Awarded to the slugger who is probably gonna get accused of steroids next, if not already
(I am NOT accusing the winner of steroids, just sayin...)
[Previous winners: 2009 Aaron Hill (TOR), 2010 Corey Hart (MIL), 2011 Jacoby Ellsbury (BOS), 2012 Edwin Encarnacion (TOR), 2013 Chris Davis (BAL), 2014 Victor Martinez (DET), 2015 Nolan Arenado (COL), 2016 Brian Dozier (MIN), Justin Smoak (TOR), Christian Yelich (MIL)]
---The God Damn Baseballs---
2019 HR total: 6,776
Previous Career High: 6,105 in 2017.
I figured it wouldn’t be fair to single out one particular player this year seeing how the entire freakin league was going deep all season. We all know the ball is juiced. 7 teams hit 250+ dingers this season.
The old single season record for a team was the 2018 Yankees with 267. Meanwhile in 2019, FOUR different teams shattered that record. Buckle up, before long we’re gonna have a 7,000-homer season.
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The "What The Hell Happened To You?" Award
Awarded to the team that fell off the map when they were supposed to be contenders
[Previous winners: 2009 New York Mets, 2010 Seattle Mariners, 2011 Cincinnati Reds, 2012 Miami Marlins, 2013 California Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, 2014 Milwaukee Brewers, 2015 Seattle Mariners, 2016 Kansas City Royals, 2017 New York Mets, 2018 Washington Nationals]
---The Boston Red Sox ---
Oh hey Boston, didn’t see you there. This really shouldn’t be too surprising. The only consistent thing about the Red Sox is that they aren’t. No team goes from first to worst more regularly than Boston. Yeah, they weren’t exactly dead last this season, but when the only teams you beat out in the division are the tanking Orioles and a Blue Jay team more concerned with playing a bunch of kids named [insert 90s player] Jr, then you don’t get to feel much pride for a 3rd place finish, especially when you’re supposed to be the defending champions. Kinda outs you for the frauds you were in 2018.
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The "Shut Your God Damn Mouth" Award
Awarded to whoever talked too much without backing it up
[Previous winners: 2009 Chicago Cubs, 2010 MLB Network, 2011 Carlos Zambrano (CHC), 2012 Boston Red Sox, 2013 Jordany Valdespin (NYM), 2014 Keith Olberman (ESPN), 2015 Boston Red Sox, 2016 Boston Red Sox fans, 2017 Yasiel Puig (LAD), 2018 San Francisco Giants]
---Brodie Van Wagenen of the New York Mets---
"Come and get us.” That’s the message that GM Brodie Van Wagenen had for the league when talking about the upcoming season. This stemmed from the genuine belief that the moves the team made going into the season were gonna put them over the top. Instead the Mets had another Mets season. That Diaz/Cano trade you made with Seattle? Complete disaster. All that money you paid to Cespedes? Out all year because of an accident on his horse ranch. The Yankees grab free agent DJ LeMahieu, who is a serious MVP candidate and you instead sign...Jed Lowrie, who had 7 at bats this year and no hits. Mickey Callaway managed but wasn’t even making all the in-game decisions. The Mets were a wreck.
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The "This Years Miracle, Next Years Indians" Award
Awarded to the team that made a surprise playoff run this year, and will fall short next year
[Previous winners: 2009 Colorado Rockies, 2010 Tampa Bay Rays, 2011 Tampa Bay Rays, 2012 Baltimore Orioles, 2013 Cleveland Indians, 2014 Kansas City Royals, 2015 Houston Astros, 2016 Cleveland Indians, 2017 Minnesota Twins, 2018 Oakland Athletics]
---The St Louis Cardinals ---
The AL Central was the worst, but at least they had a clear frontrunner. The NL Central by comparison was a bunch of teams, and none of them wanted the division. Between the Cards, the Brewers and the Cubs, it’s a tough call to figure who is the most likely team to fade first. This could easily go to the Cubs, but the Cardinals feel so anonymous that I can’t envision them competing next season, with or without Molina. Fun fact: in the decade I’ve been doing these sham awards, this is the first time ever I’ve highlighted the Cardinals. My work here is done.
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The "This Years Phillies, Next Years Miracle" Award
Awarded to a team that sucked this year, but can make a run next year
[Previous winners: 2009 Chicago White Sox, 2010 Chicago White Sox, 2011 Washington Nationals, 2012 Seattle Mariners, 2013 New York Yankees, 2014 Chicago Cubs, 2015 Detroit Tigers, 2016 New York Yankees, 2017 San Francisco Giants, 2018 Philadelphia Phillies]
---The Toronto Blue Jays---
Speaking of that team comprised of [insert 90s player] Jr, this season featured a chance for all these kids to get their feet wet. Next year should be a more serious go. And I figure they’ll make a run what with them sharing a division with the ever-tanking Orioles, the spiraling Red Sox...and the Rays. Not to mention the AL Central is always terrible. The Jays should have wild card aspirations next year.
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The "AAA Team In Disguise" Award
Awarded to a team that might have better luck in AAA
[Previous winners: 2009 Washington Nationals, 2010 Pittsburgh Pirates, 2011 Boston Red Sox, 2012 Houston Astros, 2013 Miami Marlins, 2014 Texas Rangers, 2015 Philadelphia Phillies, 2016 Minnesota Twins, 2017 Detroit Tigers, 2018 Miami Marlins]
---The Detroit Tigers ---
Did this team even show up this year? I figured all their losses were forfeits since they couldn’t even be buggered to show up. Their run differential was –333. For comparison, the next worst team was the ever-tanking Baltimore Orioles with a –252 differential. You bums made the Orioles look good. The Orioles.
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The "Dull Knife in the Drawer" Award
Awarded to the biggest mental error this year
[Previous winners: 2009 Washington Nati(o)nals, 2010 Barak Obama, 2011 Brian Sabean (SF), 2012 Derek Norris (OAK), 2013 Mark Pagnozzi (HOU), 2014 Michael Pineda (NYY), 2015 Arte Moreno (LAA), 2016 Buster Posey (SFG), David Price (BOS), 2018 Gary Sanchez (NYY)]
---Brandon Drury and Teoscar Hernandez of the Toronto Blue Jays---
So, let’s set the scene. Twins vs Blue Jays. Top of the 6th. Blue Jays trail 3-1 in the top of the 6th, but they got a man on 1st with 1 out. Brandan Drury is hitting with a 2-2 count. He takes the next pitch outside for a ball and...he starts walking to 1st base as if he drew a walk. Hernandez sees him walking and assumes a walk as well, so he starts walking to 2nd base. Meanwhile, the Twins are not idiots and realize that that pitch was only ball 3. And the ball is live. And Perez, the pitcher, quickly guns the ball to first to pick off Hernandez before he can get back to 1st after realizing too late the folly of trusting Drury’s counting ability. The next pitch is the actual ball 4, and instead of 2 on, 1 out...it’s 1 on 2 out and the next guy flys out harmlessly. Hernandez would make up for it later by hitting a homer and the Blue Jays would win the game but it still makes that play the dumbest thing all year.
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The "Results May Vary" Award
Awarded to a player/team that didn't live up to the hype
[Previous winners: 2010 Stephen Strasburg (WAS), 2011 Carl Crawford (BOS), 2012 Los Angeles Dodgers, 2013 Toronto Blue Jays, 2014 Boston Red Sox, 2015 Robinson Cano (SEA), 2016 San Diego Padres, 2017 Eric Thames (MIL), 2018 Shohei Ohtani (LAA)]
---Bryce Harper of the Philadelphia Phillies---
Harper himself didn’t have too terrible of a season, but his addition to the Phillies was supposed to put Philly over the top. Instead they finish a sad 81-81, while Harper’s former team won the pennant. That kind of contrast is why Harper alone gets the nod instead of all of the Phillies.
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The "Ozzie Kind of Crazy" Award
Awarded to the manager who had the most entertaining season to watch
[Previous winners: 2012 Bobby Valentine (BOS), 2013 Joe Girardi (NYY), 2014 Kirk Gibson (ARI), Matt Williams (WAS), Joe Girardi (NYY), Brad Ausmus (DET), Kevin Cash (TB)]
---Aaron Boone of the New York Yankees---
Most managers make out a lineup card on opening day and figure that that’ll be their usual for most of the season. That usually isn’t the case what with injuries happening all the time in sports, but one would figure their A-team would be available more often than not. Aaron Boone did not get to be most managers this year. Boone made maybe 150 different lineups this season what with the million and one injuries the Yankees suffered. DJ LeMahieu alone played every position except pitcher and catcher I think.
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The "Go Stand in the Corner!" Award
Awarded to the most standout suspension of the season
[Previous winners: 2013 Ryan Braun (MIL), 2014 Alex Rodriguez (NYY), 2015 Jonathan Papelbon (WAS), Rougned Odor (TEX), Austin Romine (NYY), Ken Giles (HOU)]
---Clint Fraizer of the New York Yankees---
Crime: Being a little bitch
Time: Rot in the minors
I’ve already mentioned the million and one injuries the Yankees suffered this season. And with all the injuries, comes opportunities for guys in the minors to make an impact. Clint Fraizer is one of those minor leaguers. He came up, had some good hits and was all set to stick around all year for the Yankees. Then came a game against Boston where he had some dumb errors in the outfield. Dumb errors have always been kind of a thing for Fraizer. The problem was that every Yankee-Red Sox game comes with magnified media coverage where every mistake is put under the microscope. Frazier, not being a fan of media scrutiny, hid from reports. When the team told him he should talk to reporters, he made a giant fuss about it. For that, the Yankees put him on the next bus for the minors, and found every excuse to keep him down there until September callups, even with all the injuries that happened on a routine basis. The kicker for Fraizer was that when the next outfielder injury happened, the team called Matt Tauchman up instead and Tauch started hitting like crazy. Now the Yankees are thinking of making Tauhman a regular of the future, and with Judge still around and Hicks and Stanton signed to long contracts, Fraizer might’ve screwed himself out of being a part of the best team for years to come.
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The "They'll Let Anybody Pitch" Award
Awarded to the pitcher who should never have been allowed near a mound
[Previous winners: 2014 Kevin Correia (LAD), Rick Porcello (BOS), James Shields (CWS), 2017 Wade Miley (BAL), Dylan Bundy (BAL)]
PROGRAMMING NOTE
I’m ending this award. Seems redundant what with the “Just Retire Already” award.
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The "Just Retire Already!" Award
Awarded to the player on the wrong side of their prime
[Previous winner: 2015 Bartolo Colon (NYM), Alex Rodriguez (FA), Bartolo Colon (MIN), Felix Hernandez (SEA)]
---Chris Davis of the Baltimore Orioles---
Age: 33
The man could win the lottery and still couldn’t buy a hit, not that he needs to play the lotto what with the ludicrous contract the Orioles gave him. That made him a black hole in their payroll as well as their lineup. His hitting struggles got so bad that the manager is openly mocking him in the dugout during games. How bad is he? He set the record his season with 54 straight at bats without a hit. In a season where everyone and their mother could go deep, Davis remained pathetic.
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