Little Ghost - We're All Bad Guys

[Posted by Ted H]

My little side project has become as obsessive as it's name suggests. Don't worry, I haven't forgotten about my first obsession...

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[Little Ghost - We're All Bad Guys]

“Oh, well, I was just curious,” Kristina said, not looking to verify that there was indeed someone that stupid that they’d reject going to Heaven. Her plan now was so stop talking and avoid attention, perhaps get Jamal and Mike to start arguing again, anything if it meant avoiding scrutiny. Her hopes were short lived, however.

“So,” Cheryl said as she clasped her hands together and rested her face against them “What was it that clinched your fate?”

“Hmm?” Kristina hummed, unsure what the question was.

“Your unspeakable sin,” Cheryl elaborated “Your irredeemable crime. What action did you do that was so heinous that it merited instant rejection from the pearly gates?”

“Oh, well...” Kristina trailed off. If she could sweat, she figured it would be pouring down in buckets right now. She wondered how effective she could play dumb to these people, or if it were easier to lie outright. What could she think of on the spot?

“What makes you think I’ve done anything wrong in life?” she blurted out “I’m innocent, I swear,” she forced a smile for effect, getting a laugh from Sammy, but not satisfying Cheryl. The woman shrugged one shoulder and kept her eyes on Kristina. Did she know? Was Kristina making it too obvious? Was the joke a bad idea and now they’ll see right through her?

“Oh, don’t be embarrassed,” Ricky assured her “We’re all bad guys here!”

“No way,” Kristina protested “You’re all so nice.”

“Well, we can’t kill or otherwise touch one another, so that does lend to a peaceful gathering when a bunch of degenerates get together,” Sammy threw out from the bunk bed he had laid back down in.

“Speak for yourself,” Cheryl quipped “I’m immaculate.”

“Oh yes, hun,” Ricky teased “Jesus took one look at you and was so jealous that he denied entry to Heaven for your crime of outshining him.”

“We’re all the worst, Kristina,” Clifford assured “So no one is in any position to judge. Take Jamal for example. He lost count of all the people he’s shot and robbed.” Jamal actually smiled and nodded, indicating that he had an achievement to be proud of. “Cheryl has her own body count, in a different way,” Clifford continued. Cheryl shrugged and put her hands up as she flashed a “It is what it is” face as she said “I guess all those abortions add up. I’m pretty sure the first one at eight months sealed the deal, but the four others that followed probably didn’t help. Who knew?”

“Sammy is a very accomplished club goer,” Clifford said, to which Sammy threw an acknowledging wave out but didn’t get up “And by accomplished, I mean irredeemable rapist.”

“Date rapist,” Sammy clarified, again not bothering to turn around.

“My mistake,” Clifford said with rolling eyes “Now Mike here is a bit of a rapist, too.”

“He’s just a kid!” Kristina said, louder and more indignant than she thought it would be.

“A kid, yes. Harmless, no. Just ask his 2-year-old sister, or various stray animals, all of which were molested and buried in shallow graves in Colorado Springs.”

Kristina was feeling sick. The group of ghosts that were endearing themselves to her were quickly turning out to be the worst of the worst. There was sympathy before in their constant flight from Reapers. Now she was pondering if there was a way to blow a whistle on them or shine a beacon into the sky to help them get caught faster.

“Kristina?” Clifford asked, breaking Kristina’s train of thought “You ok?”

“I, um, yes,” she mumbled.

“I said it’s fine if you don’t want to share yet.”

“Thanks,” Kristina said after forcing herself to wait a second so it wouldn’t be too obvious “It’s just been a really crazy night.”

“Speaking of crazy,” Bill said “Get out. I’m tired.”

“Ha, I’m tired too,” Kristina said.

“No, seriously,” Bill said with no humor “I had a busy night. I’m tired. Everybody out.” Ricky, Jamal and Mike were already on their way out while Sammy was getting up but lingered. “I don’t get it,” Kristina said. “Reapers are physical, not mortal but still bound by physical limitations,” Clifford clarified. Sammy and Cheryl left and Clifford motioned Kristina to follow him out while Bill went over to the light in the corner to turn it off.

Back outside, an overcast sky dimmed the light from the rising sun. Clifford and Kristina emerged with only Sammy, Ricky and Cheryl waiting. “Do we get tired?” Kristina finally asked. “We’re ghosts, honey,” Ricky said. Sammy was turned away but Kristina just knew he was rolling his eyes at her. “I don’t get it though, how can Bill even go down there?”

“Bill lives there,” Clifford said, with the same patient demeanor he had since Kristina met him, even after all her inquiries “He can phase into the intangible like we are, but in order to do his job he needs a physical presence. That’s how working lights were even down there, Bill brought them in.”

“Reapers are notorious shoplifters,” Ricky added “Lucky bastards. They get to live a life free off death and get to do all sorts of dangerous, and fun, and consequence free activities.”

“Most of them do drugs,” Cheryl said, already bored of the conversation “Bill’s just boring. Don’t let him make the impression for you.”

“Bill’s a good guy Reaper,” Clifford said “They tend to be the boring ones. The ones for Hell are the party ones. They know they’re going down no matter what, so they’ll enjoy the extra time they get. The Heaven ones try to behave.”

“Oh, I thought Bill was you guy’s Reaper,” Kristina said, getting laughs from everyone.

"No, no one runs from Bill,” Ricky said “No one ever runs from Heaven, remember?”

“Yeah...” Kristina said, feeling stupid again for a multitude of reasons.

“Well, you kids have fun,” Clifford said as he and Sammy started walking away. “Where to now?” Kristina asked. Sammy and Clifford looked at each other. “Nah,” Clifford said “Your orientation is over.”

“Three’s a crowd!” Sammy said as he started walking again.”

“But...” Kristina said, worried about being alone again.

“It’s no big deal,” Clifford assured “Go and see the world as a ghost. You’ll come to enjoy being able to go anywhere and see everything without notice. Voyeurism is especially popular among us.”

“Like, watching sex?”

“Yeah, I guess. But really anything else. You can see people when they think they’re alone. See the real side of someone when they think no one is watching. You’ll learn a lot about them even their loved ones don’t get to see.” With one final smile, Clifford began walking away again. “Swing by later,” he called out, then jogged to catch up to Sammy.

“You won’t be cramping our style,” Ricky said as he invited her to travel with him and Cheryl “No one should be alone on their first day dead.” Cheryl didn't object, but also didn’t seem too thrilled about it. Kristina was thankful, even more so when they walked in silence through the morning. It allowed her to play back the events of last night in her head.

Between Bob, Charles and everyone in Bill’s shelter, she was put through the ringer of all sorts of characters in the afterlife. The only one who didn’t fit here was her. She knew she should have taken that ticket to Heaven, and now she didn’t know if or how she could get another shot. Maybe Bob would know, but she didn’t know where to find him. Worst of all she had no clue what might happen to her soul in the meantime. Could she be reaped by one of those Hunters? Would that send her to Hell? What if the others knew she wasn’t an evil person like they were? Would they abandon her? Turn her in? Kristina felt sick with not knowing.

They made their way undeterred by any obstacle for a few hours, fatigue making no appearance to slow their progress. Ricky led the way while Kristina and Cheryl were side by side behind him. Kristina would catch Cheryl from the corner of her eye staring at her. She ignored it at first, but over time it made her more and more uncomfortable. “Can I help you?” she finally asked.

“Does it bother you we’re all such terrible people?” Cheryl asked with a sly smile. “Well, you were all so nice to me at first,” Kristina said “It caught me a little off guard.” Cheryl laughed a fake laugh. “Does my abortion vagina offend you?” she mockingly asked. “Actually, it does,” Kristina responded “I was raised very Christian.”

“Ooo, I think that’s the first honest thing you’ve said yet!” Cheryl cheered.

“Leave her alone, bitch,” Ricky defended “Ignore her, Kristina. Some people never get over how unfair they think it is to be condemned to Hell.”

“Abortion isn’t murder,” Cheryl barked “It’s arbitrary reasoning!”

“I’m not having this argument again,” Ricky said after a groan “This is why I stuck to my own gender!”

“Are you sure you didn’t die of AIDS, Freddy Mercury?”

“Oh my, sassy!”

“I don’t care!” Kristina called out “Live your life however you want, I’d never judge you for it. That’s God’s job.” the words flowed out of her mouth and she couldn’t stop now. “Well, you did live your life, and you were judged. So, tell me how it worked out for you.”

“Mmmm, I like her,” Ricky laughed.

“I’m in the same place you are, bitch,” Cheryl said “So how did your ‘holier than thou’ mentality work out for you?”

“I can still get to Heaven. I don’t belong in Hell,” Kristina said, wishing she didn’t start to respond, but making sure she chose her words carefully when she realized there was no going back.

“Oh lord, the denial!” Cheryl said with another fake laugh “DENIAL! There is no God for you anymore! You lost! You’ve been rejected! There’s no appeal! Get over yourself!”

“When I go to Heaven, I hope you’re there to watch.”

“And when you get dragged to Hell, I want a front row seat.”

“Meow!” Ricky said to try and ease the tension “Calm down ladies. Kristina, no one in our situation ever gets to Heaven. It’s never happened, and it’s never going to happen.” He then shifted his gaze to Cheryl with a stern look on his face “But we’re all guilty of feeling a little hope of redemption, so don’t let anyone give you shit for it.”

“Whatever,” Cheryl said as she backed off “You guys enjoy yourselves. I’m gonna go find a church where one of your priests are probably molesting a child, because that’s all they do in your religion. They fuck with kids and still think they’re better than everyone when they’re obviously going to Hell!” Cheryl stormed off, Ricky and Kristina made no effort to stop her.

“Don’t mind her,” Ricky said “She’s been dead a couple years and she still thinks she did nothing wrong.”

“I didn’t mean to-” Kristina started.

“Like I said, you’ll be in denial at first. Some people just take longer to get over it.”

"Will she be ok?”

“It’s not like she can hurt herself or anyone else. We all just need to blow off steam. If anything, she might just move on somewhere else and we’ll never see her again. Most ghosts are very nomadic.”

“Like how Mike was from Colorado, I think?”

“Exactly! I’m from Florida. I never dreamed of coming this far north in life, but it’s not like the cold can bother me now.”

“Never thought I could see the world like that.”

“The world is your oyster now, bitch! Go exploring! Just not right away, I like you. Stay a while.”

“Awe, I like you too.”

“Really? I thought the Christians hated the gays?”

“No! I have, er, had so many gay friends!” Kristina paused a moment. “That sounded a bit homophobic, didn’t it?”

“A little bit,” Ricky said with a smirk.

“I mean it though! I’m not one to judge.”

“I’m teasing you, bitch!” Ricky said with a laugh “By the way, you’ll never guess who else from last night way gay.”

“Who?” Kristina asked, puzzled “Clifford?”

“No, not Cliff,” Ricky said “Though I wouldn’t have minded if he swung that way, you know, if we knew each other in life. No, Charlie is the other gay one!”

“Shut up!” Kristina blurted “He’s so old though!”

“Bitch, you don’t age out of gay!” Both laughed. “And get this!” Ricky continued “I died a year before he did.”

“Really? I could swear he died in World War II or something,”

“Your perceptions on exactly how old someone is gets totally jacked up in death. Little baby Mike? He died in the 90s. He’s an older ghost than most of us!”

“This is so weird!”

“Right? I don’t know the others so well. Cliff and Sammy wandered into town just last week. Like I said, we’re mostly nomads, going from place to place when we get tired of somewhere.”

“I’m tired of being here,” Kristina said “Like right here. I’m bored. What is there to do when you’re dead?”

“Well...” Ricky pondered “It’s not that early, but it’s the weekend, so we could try to find a house with a good-looking man sleeping in. We can see if he’d dealing with some morning wood.”

“Oh my God,” Kristina laughed.

“Then we can head to Starbucks and mock the white women getting an oversized drink after their morning jog. Then go to the mall and critique the girls trying on ugly clothes at Sears. Oh! Then we can watch the old people doing laps around the mall and take bets of who dies next!”

“That last one sounds fun,” Kristina said “Well they all do, but I feel less guilty about the last one.”

“Oh honey, the sooner you lose that silly shame, the more fun you’ll have in the afterlife!”