May 31, 2015

Race for Safe Haven - The Most Important Knowledge in the World

[Posted by Ted H]

God help us all, the Alabama Hot Pocket story is true......and somewhere, it's an actual thing...


[Race for Safe Haven - The Most Important Knowledge in the World]

            As night fell, most of the group found a quiet spot to spend the night. Matt had volunteered for the first watch, and had set up right at the garage door peeking out. He lost count of the hours passing as he watched zombies occasionally wander by, blindly making their way to where they thought a new meal waited.
            Closed in the office, lit up with flashlights and electric lanterns found in the station, Tara, Rhett and Steve sat enjoying the beer. They tried to keep the noise down for the sake of everyone else sleeping, but also in case any zombie was nearby. As Steve stated before, Mike wouldn't allow any beer to be packed, so they decided to drink it all now and spend the next day hung over before leaving the following day. They were only a couple cases into the beer and already feeling tipsy.
            "So this chick," Steve said, continuing a story while trying not to laugh "She's missing pretty much her entire left arm. I mean it was wrapped up and everything, but you could tell it was torn to shreds. She's infected out the ass, sweating and puking up a storm."
            "There's a joke in there, right?" Tara asked as Steve put his hand up and nodded at her vigorously. "Yeah, yeah, yeah," he said "Like I said, she was dead and she knew it. And at this point it's just us. And she looks at me and says she needs me to do her a favor. Now I'm thinking she wants me to put her out of her misery or something like that. I don't think I could do it, I start to freak out and shit because she's dead anyway and all she wants me to do is make it suck less.
            "So anyway, I decide to help her out. I tell her "Anything," and play it up all dramatic, right? And she just looks up at me, pale, dying face and all. I'm bracing for it, that moment when she asks me to take her life. And she know what she says? She says..." Steve stops talking to suppress a laugh as he tries to finish.
            "What did she say?" Rhett said, bracing for the end to the story and annoyed that Steve couldn't finish without laughing.
            "Okay, okay," Steve said as he composed himself "She looks up at me and says that she doesn't want to die a virgin." Steve and Rhett break out into laughter as Tara smiles and shakes her head. "Oh my God," she said as she opened another beer "That's horrible."
            "So I have no idea what to say," Steve continued "I mean, I was mentally preparing to kill this chick, and here she's asking me to bone her before she dies."
            "Did you do it?" Rhett asked.
            "Look," Steve said "This chick is infected with whatever the fuck that virus is called. I'm pretty sure it might also spread like an STD. So I look back at her and say she just needs to rest or something. Luckily, she passed out a few minutes later."
            "Should've gone for it," Tara said.
            "Hey," Steve said "I know my chances of staying alive long out here are slim. I mean, I'm a fat guy in the apocalypse, I know I'm living on borrowed time. But really, I don't need to intentionally get myself killed."
            "Oh man, what if she died while you screwed her," Rhett said with a wide grin and bright face "And then she went all zombie without you knowing it and bit your dick off?"
            "Shut up," Steve said while pretending to throw his drink.
            "Was she at least hot?" Tara asked.
            "Yeah, she was cute," Steve admitted "In retrospect, she would've been down for pretty much anything. Dying girls might be kinky like that. Might've tried an Alabama Hot Pocket."
            "What the fuck is an Alabama Hot Pocket?" Tara asked while Rhett gave an intrigued look.
            "It's disgusting," Steve said "You don't want to know."
            ""Now I gotta know," Rhett said while Tara egged Steve on. "C'mon, you have to tell us," she said "You can't do that; say something like that and not explain it."
            "Alright," Steve relented "Not that I've ever done this, but an Alabama Hot Pocket is when you hold a girls vagina open and take a shit right inside it."
            Tara dry heaved a little. "Awe man," Rhett said while laughing "I've seen some shit today and all through this apocalypse, but I draw the line at that."
            "Why would you want to do that?" Tara asked.
            "I never said I'd enjoy it," Steve said as backed from the table "But hey, if she would try it, who knows?"
            Everyone finished their beers and cracked open new ones as Matt entered the office. "What's wrong, Matt?" Steve asked. "Nothing," Matt said "Just, I need a break and Laura's taking over. I don't think she'll stay awake long though." Steve nodded as he stood up. "I don't think she'd stay awake neither," he said "Hell, it's a bad idea to trust her alone to begin with."
            With that, Steve left and headed to look out with Laura, leaving Matt with Rhett and Tara. "Hey Matt," Rhett said as he reached into his back pocket and pulled out a wad of cash "I owe you for the gas." Matt stared in disbelief as Rhett dropped a handful of twenty dollar bills on the desk. "Are you serious?" he asked as he walked to the desk and looked at the money.
            "What's the problem?" Tara asked. "How can you think that money is anything more than glorified toilet paper now?" Matt said as he sat down. "I dunno," Rhett said "Never know. What's really bothering you?" Matt sighed as he buried his face in his hands. "It's the end of the world," he said "And only a select few will have what it takes to survive."
            "You've made it this far," Rhett said "Think of all the people you've outlived."
            "Yeah," Matt said "Because of other people "On my own? I wouldn't last two days."
            "Don't be so hard on yourself," Tara said "None of us would last long on our own."
            "What were you before the world ended, Rhett?" Matt asked.
            "No one important," Rhett deflected.
            "But you look like you could make it," Matt said "You were smart enough to do things like get a weapon, take equipment from a cop car and even take money in case the world could still be salvaged. You know what I did? I left my home without supplies like a sheep because the television said to. And when things got bad, I hid in the comic shop where I worked. I hid under a rock and waited for someone to save me. And when that person died, only then did I think to take his gun and defend myself."
            "Don't be so hard on yourself," Tara said as slid a fresh beer over to Matt "I ran into Jenny and we hid together in an outlet store. We weren't exactly thriving on our own either."
            "You don't understand," Matt said "I don't have any special skills or knowledge that'll help me survive out there. Do you know what it's like for 99 percent of your acquired knowledge and skill set to suddenly be rendered useless?"
            "Can't be that bad," Rhett suggested.
            "I have a detailed knowledge of Captain America's back story, I can recite the Green Lantern oath in my sleep, I know every X-men team configuration through the 1990's and I can identify and list every bat symbol style chronologically including non-canon versions. All of that is pointless now."
            "It can't all be useless," Tara said as she leaned on the desk, struggling to find something to say "You...uh, you look like you eat healthy. I bet you know a healthy diet that's viable for the apocalypse."
            "I don't know any diets," Matt said ", but no, it's useless."
            "What's the diet?" Rhett asked as he went to drink.
            "It's a diet to allow natural breast enlargement in women. A bigger boobs plan."
            Rhett almost choked on beer as Tara laughed. "Are you serious?" she asked "That's awesome!" Rhett coughed a few times to clear his windpipe. "You my friend, contain the most important knowledge in the world," he said "Especially now since I'm sure plastic surgeons aren't exactly practicing anymore. We need to keep you alive."
            "How do you even know that?" Tara asked. "My brother had a girlfriend who had a breast reduction procedure," Matt said "He wasn't exactly too thrilled about it, but he said he had a plan. He secretly put her on this diet; bought her the right foods, cooked her specific meals. I didn't believe it at first, but lo and behold, she was back to double Ds in no time."
            "You need to share this secret," Tara said as Matt finally laughed and opened his beer. The rest of the night was filled with drunken exchanges and stories, before everyone finally called it a night and retired to their own corner of the gas station to sleep.

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