Pure Human - One Problem at a Time

[Posted by Ted H]

3 in a row?!?!

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[Pure Human - One Problem at a Time]

            Blake had made all the necessary preparations by the time that John and Whitey arrived. When they stepped out of the car, Blake motioned for them to follow him and Clyde on foot over a few front lawns towards Melrose's home. As expected, Whitey and Clyde nearly came to blows, but John managed to stay between them and Blake managed to keep everyone quiet. Blake checked on the dream stones, which were brightly lit up, which worried him since he doubted they were suppose to work so well far away from Anin.
            "Alright, time for action," Whitey announced.
            "Hold your horses," Blake said "The professionals have a plan."
            "We do?" John asked.
            Blake produced the time ball for Clyde "Here, eat this," he said.
            "Oh no," John said.
            While Clyde tried to swallow, Blake explained "Easy plan. Clyde goes in, incapacitates Anin and kills everything else."
            "Simple, yet very elegant," John commented while Whitey made a face. "Here, wash that down," Blake said as he handed Clyde the bottle.
            "Why does that smell like gasoline?" Whitey asked as Clyde drank.
            "He'll be fine," Blake said as Clyde finished and dropped the bottle as he looked around himself in amazement. The next instant, he disappeared. Blake smiled and laughed while John and Whitey suddenly howled in pain as they fell over, grabbing their groins.
            "Good to see Clyde is mature and all that," Blake said as he looked about for anything alerted by the sounds of the pain. "Can you guys relax?" he asked "We're in the clear so far."
John approached while limping and groaning "I'm gonna kill that fucker," he said through clenched teeth. "Someone beat you to it," Whitey said with a hint of satisfaction to what she was looking at.
            The scene ahead was one of bloodshed and body parts, mostly Clyde. "Was this part of the plan?" John asked as he and Blake ran up to most of Clyde's remains. "Kind of?" Blake said as he looked around to some of the crumpled bodies of the transformed people with their throats slit. Clyde's torso laid motionless with his head barely attached to a ripped up neck. All limbs were detached and scattered through the yard. The house he presumably entered looked mostly unchanged save for one broken and bloody window that looked like Clyde had been tossed from after his dismembering. "Is he...dead?" Whitey asked, not daring to approach from behind John. "He's immortal," Blake said "Or should be; that's why I let him drink the gasoline and whatnot."
            "Is that normal?" John asked "Would you have been ripped apart like this or something?"
            "No," Blake said "Something else did this to him,"
            "But, if your cocktail worked and time had stopped..." John began
            "Bitch..." Clyde's head spat out, startling everyone.
            "Holy hell," John said as he caught his breath.
            "What happened?" Blake demanded.
            "Your bitch friend..." Clyde said as he struggled to take in enough air so he could speak "I thought you said time would freeze......"
            "Clearly Mr. V. don't play by our rules," Blake said.
            "Whose rules?" John  asked.
            "Our realm's rules. I dunno, I should probably look into that or something."
            Whitey had been looking about at the bodies and had been counting. "Uh, you guys said there were six of those things left, right?" she asked.
            "Something like that," John responded.
            Whitey quickly looked around to the four bodies she could see. "I don't count six," she said. Blake positioned Clyde's head so he could address him directly. "Clyde, how many did you kill?" he asked.
            "Fuck if I know," Clyde responded while spitting up blood "That shit was starting to burn. I may not die but that still hurt like hell. So I decided to go after the big fish instead of fucking around."
            "That wasn't the plan," Blake said.
            "Your plan sucked. Go for plan B's flesh clay bull shit instead."
            "Wait, what's plan B?" John asked before Whitey screamed "Look out!"
            Blake and John turned to see Whitey point to two rapidly approaching figures in the dark. She then brought her hands together and began charging while Blake and John spaced apart. "John, just shoot them, we don't have time for this!" Blake yelled. "I don't do speed shots!" John yelled back "I need to aim and these things are bouncing all over!"
            Whitey's hands were glowing when she was set and extended a hand out to launch energy at one of the monsters. Nothing happened. "Real helpful," Blake quipped as Whitey looked at her hands. Blake and John backed up towards her. "I don't get it," she cried. "They're human!" Blake shouted, remembering when he first met Whitey.
            "Split!" John yelled as the two creatures lunged. John dove one way, White and Blake jumped the other. The creatures each gave chase. Blake practically threw off his coat and held it out like a matador. "Blake, this isn't a game!" Whitey yelled as the creature instead went after her. Whitey cried out and tried to run, but didn't get far when she felt claws and a body fall onto her. "NO!" she shouted as she felt her back begin being dug into and she was powerless to stop it. Blake then covered the creature's head with his coat, wrapped his arms around it and picked it up and off of Whitey.
            John, meanwhile, was circling opposite of the other creature while aiming his gun. "Make a move, you piece of shit," he said as he slowly backed up and gave himself precious distance. The creature tensed, then lunged itself in the air straight at John with a deep roar. No longer bouncing to and fro on the ground and instead in a predictable path in the air, the creature had put itself right in John's sights. With a smirk and a quick pull of the trigger, the creature's body fell to the ground near where John sidestepped, a fresh bullet hole right between the eyes.
            "Blake, what are you doing?" Whitey said as she got to her feet. "You can't hurt this thing cuz it's human!" Blake yelled as he faced Whitey with the struggling creature in his arms blinded by the coat "But you can hurt this coat, right?" Whitey's eyes went wide before she charged her hands again, then ran up and punched the creature's head with all her might and holy power. The creature elicited a short cry as it and Blake flew backwards onto the ground.
            "You guys ok?" John asked as he jogged over. "I think so," Whitey said as she caught her breath and tried to feel the wounds in her back. "Oh fuck," John said as he saw Whitey's injures and tried to look as well. "I'll be fine," she said.
            "Oh, that smell," Blake said as he got up and pulled his coat away from the creature's corpse. A bloody and chunky mess remained of its head, with some pieces sticking to the coat. "This definitely needs to be dry cleaned," he said as he picked the bigger pieces off and put the coat back on. "You are not riding in my car with that on," John announced. "One problem at a time," Blake said as he led the way into the house.

Pure Human - Trick Plays

[Posted by Ted H]

Oh. My. Gawwwwwd! Back to back posts? It's like I got my shit together or something, right?

Pure Human is finally ending. Buckle up.

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[Pure Human - Trick Plays]

            "Did I mention I hate you people, right?" Clyde asked while Blake drove through the streets with one eye on the road and the other on the faintly glowing sleep stone.
            "Only every five minutes," Blake responded.
            "They're going to fire me," Clyde complained.
            "Aren't you either already dead or immortal?"
            "You don't get it; I can't reap anymore. So either I get reassigned to some shitty job or I get sent back to hell."
            "Last I checked, your poor scheduling wasn't my problem. Neither was Whitey getting in the way last time."
            "And that bitch just conveniently just so happens to be rolling in your crew now?"
            "I really would hesitate to say convenient. Necessary, more likely."
            "And who the fuck is this idiot?" Clyde asked while gesturing to the back where Bryant sat.
            "Him?" Blake said "Kind of the guy responsible. Whitey's in town to get you fired mostly because of him, too. So in a way, he's the guy you should be mad at."
            "A pleasure," Bryant said mockingly "You know, this is starting to feel more and more like a kidnapping by the minute."
            "Be quiet," Clyde barked.
            "How are you even helping him?" Bryant complained "You hate him and his associates, if that story about the girl you told earlier is to be trusted."
            "Amazing what a payment of a carton of cigarettes will do, right?" Clyde said back.
            "I said we'd share the carton," Blake corrected him.
            Blake had a destination in mind, and as he drove closer to it, the stones he had began to glow brighter. "I hate it when I'm right," he mumbled as he drove onto the street where Melrose had lived. "What's here?" Clyde asked as Blake took notice of how silent Bryant was in back. "What those things consider their father lived here. It's safe enough until the Faded Man can come into this world."
            "Faded Man?" Clyde asked "The big bad anus guy?"
            "Yeah," Blake said as he pulled over well short of his destination. He opened the door and climbed out. "I assume there's a plan?" Clyde said as Blake looked down the streets to see many of the houses were dark and seemingly abandoned, and the rain making the entire scene slightly more foreboding than Blake wanted it to be.
            "Plan?" Clyde reiterated, snapping Blake from the moment "Do you have one?"
            "Of course I do," Blake said as he popped the trunk and started rummaging around.
            "Ok, that's cool," Clyde said as he adjusted his jacket over his head to shield from the rain as he stuck a cigarette into his mouth "Cuz your homo friend kinda implied earlier on the phone that you guys were a bit clueless."
            "Nah," Blake said without looking up "I had a plan the whole time. A couple actually. I just wasn't about to share them right away."
            "Why the secrecy?" Clyde asked while patting himself down to find his lighter.
            "Neither are very appealing. And one is straight up illegal."
            "I like em already!"
            "Good," Blake said as he produced a rubber hose for Clyde "Now take this and go siphon some gas.
            "This isn't a movie," Clyde said "And why do you even need gas? Is that why we stopped?"
            Blake pulled out the bottle from before with some gas still left inside. "We need it for Plan A," he said.
            "What th-" Clyde started before he caught himself and just reached for the bottle "Never mind. Surprise me." Blake smiled as he handed the bottle off. "Don't forget to call John and have him get here. "Right," Clyde said sarcastically "Because why wouldn't I want my two most favorite people ever to be here?"
            "Please?" Blake reiterated. "Yeah, yeah," Clyde said as he took his phone out and walked away. He disappeared with the bottle while Blake worked on his other plan. When Clyde returned, he was almost ready.
            "You do know gas prices are dropping now, right?" Clyde said as he produced a full bottle of gasoline "No need to steal."
            "Yeah, I'll take that into consideration," Blake said as he wrapped up what he was working on and was able to address Clyde "Out of curiosity, how did you get the gas without a hose?"
            "I went under some cars and poked a hole in the gas tanks with my shiv," Clyde said as he produced his weapon.
            "That thing was strong enough?"
            "You assume this is an everyday, run of the mill tool and not something utilized by an employee of Hell?"
            "Fair enough."
            "So what's the other thing you're working on?"
            "Plan B," Blake said as he held up a small sized chunk of what appeared to be red play-doh "But it's not ready yet. I'll need you and that shiv to complete it."
            "That depends on the request. First of all, get your own weapon..."
            "Nah, I just need you to go to Bryant and get me a pound of flesh."
            "...Cute."
            "No, really. A literal pound of his flesh. But leave him alive...So go with the legs or something like that."
            "I didn't peg you for a complete psychotic..."
            "Hey, now's not the time to critique my job. I'm trying to save the world here."
            "The whole world?"
            "Well...Albany for starters."
            "And you want me to horrifically cut up some guy I don't even know?"
            "I figure you could use the therapy."
            A smirk escaped from Clyde as he turned his head towards where Bryant was. "A literal pound?" he asked.
            "Maybe a little more for good measure."
            Clyde fully smiled now. "After the week I've had," he said as he walked over to the door "Hell yeah." He brandished his weapon and opened the door. "Skip the speech and just get it done," Blake called as the door slammed shut and the screaming began. Blake took the time to get the finishing touches done on everything else.
            The rain had begun to pick up into another downpour when Clyde had finished and the wet smack of cut up flesh barely registered to Blake as he prepped under the shielding of the trunk hood. By that time, the chunk of clay in Blake's hands was about the size of a golf ball. "Now help me add the flesh," he said as he juggled the clay in one hand while kneeling down to grab some flesh while trying to stay shielded from the rain.
            "Seriously," Clyde asked as he grabbed some flesh and plopped it on top of Blake's project "What is this?"
            "Well when it's done," Blake began as he worked the new ingredient into the ball "It's called Human Clay. It can only be made and utilized if the gathered flesh comes from someone who is still breathing, so I hope you didn't go overboard in there."
            "Relax," Clyde said as he ducked under the trunk hood to try to light his cigarette finally "What does Human Clay even do?"
            "Well, we'll need it for plan B."
            "And?"
            "I'm taking this straight out of The Evil Dead 2 playbook."
            "...I'm a bit fuzzy on my 80's movies."
            "Step one is to make the big bad, Vitaearnus, manifest in the real world. That gives us something to banish. Step two is to...well, banish it."
            "...Inspiring," Clyde mumbled sarcastically.
            "Yeah, well it's plan B for a reason."
            "And what's plan A?"
            Blake held out the water bottle for Clyde to take, then after rummaged into his pocket to produce the Time Ball. "Plan A is for you to drink that gas, treated with a certain concoction of additives of course, then swallow this ball."
            "And that will...?"
            "Stop time. Allowing you to stab away at all of Vitaearnus' pet monsters and take them out of play leaving just him and us...and Anin. Make sure you check to see if she's possessed or not."
            "And if she is?"
            "Don't hurt her either way. If she's already possessed, we'll deal...somehow."
            "So...back up. I'll stop time if I swallow this shit you're handing me?"
            "With the ball swallowed, yes."
            "Are you fucking with me? You're fucking with me."
            "I did this prior and I think it might have killed me if I held out too long. But you? You can't die."
            "A fact you plan to exploit I see."
            "Hey, when something big goes down, you gotta bust out the trick plays."