[Posted by Ted H]
Truth really is stranger than fiction.
In 5+ months, we went from:
-A poorly written comedy: "Impeach THIS!" (Turns out, you need actual evidence and proof to convict a sitting president. Who knew?)
-To a can't miss reality show: "America's Next Runner-Up" (Who wants to lose to Trump in the fall? Spoiler, it's the old white guy)
-To a Sci-Fi thriller: "Corona" (Killer virus!)
-To a true crime documentary "Cool Cats and Killers" (Who is that bitch Carol?)
-To a crappy sequel of that hit thriller "You Have to Call it Covid Now" (Turns out the killer virus isn't so killer)
-To a poorly directed porno "The Smelling of the Hair" (No one believes a movie where Joe Biden has sex)
-To a bad police procedural "KneeCop" (It's COPS, but without proper training)
-To a sequal to a movie no one liked: "BLM 2: Antifa Riot" (So let's take Black Lives Matter, pretend that cop was racist, and the hook is that the protesters don't know that a terrorist organization has hijacked their cause so they can riot and loot)
And to think we still have half the year to go! To think such hits are on the way like "Trump: ReElected" and "Civil War 2: Less Civil, More War"
Anyway, I've been trying to collect something legible to post. Maybe when the world calms down and I have a chance to collect my thoughts. Just thought I'd make some cheap jokes.
June 3, 2020
December 29, 2019
Dante's Divine Tragedy - The Funeral
[Posted by Ted H]
Let's end 2019 with an actual literature update on only my *checks notes* FOURTH post of the year...jeeze...
...I know what my resolution is gonna be...
The following is the entirety of what I was able to choke our from this years NaNoWriMo.
I need to get my haphazard life in order...
----------------------------------------------------------
[Dante's Divine Tragedy - The Funeral]
Let's end 2019 with an actual literature update on only my *checks notes* FOURTH post of the year...jeeze...
...I know what my resolution is gonna be...
The following is the entirety of what I was able to choke our from this years NaNoWriMo.
I need to get my haphazard life in order...
----------------------------------------------------------
[Dante's Divine Tragedy - The Funeral]
Dante was early. Too early. The parking lot was mostly empty, save for one unfamiliar car that likely belonged to the staff member. The nearby streetlights were off but the mid-autumn sunrise hadn’t yet broken through the clouds enough to illuminate too well. The lights inside were still dark and the building gave a very foreboding presence. Overall, it wasn’t a very inviting look for a funeral home.
Despite borrowing a truck to drive over with, Dante still had the misfortune of getting his feet and pants all muddied up. It had rained pretty bad the night prior and as he crossed through a vacant lot on his way over to pick up the truck, he didn’t realize how much mud he was kicking up until it was already too late. He figured he had plenty of time to go home and change. He could even drive now to save time, but the entire process of getting dressed and reaching the truck had been especially laborious on his soul already. The notion of repeating any already accomplished steps of his task, complete with the emotion and dread that would accompany them, was unacceptable. He would continue as is.
Dante approached the front door and tried the handle with little expectation. It looked empty, but the lone car discovered upon arrival suggested someone inside, and perhaps they neglected to lock the door behind them. The suspicion proved to be accurate as the door swung open and Dante was able to take refuge from the chilly morning air.
October 30, 2019
2019 NaNoWriMo
[Posted by Ted H]
A tradition* like no other. National Novel Writing Month.
I already know there's no way I'm even hinting at the 50k goal this year, but my aim is to get back in the saddle. The project of choice this time around is: Dante's Divine Tragedy.
I had other ideas for this year, but DDT seems best formed in my head to get a novel started on.
Follow along and hope for bountiful updates going forward!
*Tradition being the stand in for: me going in with lofty expectations, falling well behind those expectations, making a spirited attempt to catch up before admitting my life is yet again a bit too hectic to tackle the 50k challenge.
A tradition* like no other. National Novel Writing Month.
I already know there's no way I'm even hinting at the 50k goal this year, but my aim is to get back in the saddle. The project of choice this time around is: Dante's Divine Tragedy.
I had other ideas for this year, but DDT seems best formed in my head to get a novel started on.
Follow along and hope for bountiful updates going forward!
*Tradition being the stand in for: me going in with lofty expectations, falling well behind those expectations, making a spirited attempt to catch up before admitting my life is yet again a bit too hectic to tackle the 50k challenge.
October 20, 2019
The 2019 MLB Turtle-Wax Awards
[Posted by Ted H]
I know, I know, I've been seriously MIA this year. Don't worry, my attempt at a comeback begins, as always, in NaNoWriMo...
----------------------------------------------------
[The 2019 MLB Turtle-Wax Awards]
Yup, these idiots again. 4 of the 6 divisions featured 2 teams with at least 90 losses. The White Sox had 89 losses, so they almost gave this division 3 in total. But the Royals and Tigers didn’t just put up a lot of losses, they each lost over 100 games, making the ALC the only division with multiple 100 loss teams.
I know, I know, I've been seriously MIA this year. Don't worry, my attempt at a comeback begins, as always, in NaNoWriMo...
----------------------------------------------------
[The 2019 MLB Turtle-Wax Awards]
These are the awards you DON'T want to win.
The "Rays And Orioles Would Rather Play In This Division" Award
Awarded to the crappiest division in baseball
[Previous winners: 2009 AL Central, 2010 AL West, 2011 AL Central, 2012 AL Central, 2013 AL West, 2014 NL East, 2015 NL East, 2016 AL Central, 2017 NL East, 2018 AL Central]
---The American League Central: Indians, Royals, Tigers, Twins, White Sox---
Yup, these idiots again. 4 of the 6 divisions featured 2 teams with at least 90 losses. The White Sox had 89 losses, so they almost gave this division 3 in total. But the Royals and Tigers didn’t just put up a lot of losses, they each lost over 100 games, making the ALC the only division with multiple 100 loss teams.
“But what about the 100-win Twins?” Well, you have a good shot of 100 wins if you got to play the Tigers, Royals and Sox all season. But how did the Twinkies fare against real competition? Not good. Not good at all. They were 32-37 against teams above .500...in fact not a single team in the ALC had a winning record against teams with winning records. Also, the 101-win ALC Champion Twins walked into the playoffs and walked right back out in a sad 3 game sweep in the first round. In fact, the Twins just tied an all-time sports record for pathetic playoff performance with their 16th straight loss. To be fair though, 13 of those 16 losses have been at the hands of the New York Yankees. ...In case you’re wondering, the only other team to lose 16 playoff games in a row are the Chicago Black Hawks of the NHL. That’s not an active streak though, so the next playoffs the Twins make might feature an infamous 17th straight loss.
March 9, 2019
New York's Reproductive Health Act is Dumb
[Posted by Ted H]
Wow, it has been forever and a day since I last posted. Haven't pounded out anything worthy as of late, so instead of leaving this place to die a slow malnourished death, I figure I'd put up this little essay I wrote back in January about the recent (at the time) law they just passed in New York regarding abortion...
Imagine this in the same vein as my "[blank] of the Dead" deconstructions.
--------------------------------------
[New York's Reproductive Health Act is Dumb]
Time to educate the ignorant masses about the abortion law NYS just passed. Yes, it's time for another episode of "The Intellectual High Ground" with me, Ted!
Today, we return to the Reproductive Health Act that New York recently passed and we'll debunk the more prevalent defense that people have been using as a shield to the counter argument that this law is unnecessary. We're also going to actually look at what exactly the law states will happen. I won't be reading opinion pieces on this law-I'm actually reading the law as written and analyzing it. I will stray away from my own opinions as much as I can and only go for cold, hard facts as only a Conservative can give it. Some of you may want to dismiss me as you hold your hands over your ears and run for your echo chambers, but for the rest of you looking to actually learn something today, please consider this one of those "Bitter pills to swallow" situations.
Anyway, on with the show...
The paraphrased argument in favor of this law is: This only applies to when the fetus isn't viable or the mother's life is at risk after the 24th week.
Let's break this up a little. We'll start with the viable fetus argument. This part will be short. When a fetus isn't viable at the 25 week mark, an abortion usually isn't recommended because it would be safer to remove it as a birth instead. Healthcare providers tend to advise to what is best for the health of their patient as opposed to whatever their moral or political leanings are. They went to medical school; So when they advise you to deliver that non-viable baby as opposed to aborting it, there's a good reason for it.
Enough of the appetizer though...
The other part of the argument is that the new law protects the life of the mother now. This argument implies that before this law, when week 25 begins, everything goes on lockdown. If your life is in danger, too bad, you'll have to die. Is this true? Let's find out. Glossing over the fact that even the Catholic Church supports an abortion if the pregnancy threatens the mother's life, there is no law where a mother is forced to go through a life threatening pregnancy.
The following law was in effect before the Reproductive Health Act was passed:
[NEW YORK STATE PENAL LAW, SECTION 125.05, SUBDIVISION 3:
"Justifiable Abortion Act"
An abortional act is justifiable when committed upon a female with her consent by a duly licensed physician acting (a) under a reasonable belief that such is necessary to preserve her life, or, (b) within twenty-four weeks from the commencement of her pregnancy. A pregnant female`s commission of an abortional act upon herself is justifiable when she acts upon the advice of a duly licensed physician (1) that such act is necessary to preserve her life, or, (2) within twenty-four weeks from the commencement of her pregnancy. The submission by a female to an abortional act is justifiable when she believes that it is being committed by a duly licensed physician, acting under a reasonable belief that such act is necessary to preserve her life, or, within twenty-four weeks from the commencement of her pregnancy.]
I've often times argued that the language of a law is key. In the case of the law above, there are 2 instances of which an abortion is kosher: either within the first 24 weeks OR if the life of the mother is in danger.
OR, not AND.
That word in there is important. There is a BIG difference. There is no time frame defined on the part that states a life saving abortion is ok, meaning that is has ALWAYS been the law in NYS that you can get an abortion at any time up until the point of birth if it meant saving your life. The Reproductive Health Act does not change this. It suddenly didn't make it legal to save a mother's life. But this law is moot though, because the new law repeals Section 125.05 Subdivision 3.
Why?
They needed to add two words to it. Here is what the new law states:
[§ 2599-BB. ABORTION. 1. A HEALTH CARE PRACTITIONER LICENSED, CERTI- FIED, OR AUTHORIZED UNDER TITLE EIGHT OF THE EDUCATION LAW, ACTING WITH-IN HIS OR HER LAWFUL SCOPE OF PRACTICE, MAY PERFORM AN ABORTION WHEN, ACCORDING TO THE PRACTITIONER'S REASONABLE AND GOOD FAITH PROFESSIONAL JUDGMENT BASED ON THE FACTS OF THE PATIENT'S CASE: THE PATIENT IS WITHIN TWENTY-FOUR WEEKS FROM THE COMMENCEMENT OF PREGNANCY, OR THERE IS AN ABSENCE OF FETAL VIABILITY, OR THE ABORTION IS NECESSARY TO PROTECT THE PATIENT'S LIFE OR HEALTH.]
The last part is the important part. It seems almost like a word for word repeat of 125.05 subsection 3 except for the 2 words that end this new law. "Or health" What does that mean? It doesn't mean life threatening because "protect the patient's life" was already explicitly stated prior to the "or health" addition.
This new law didn't suddenly allow abortions for life saving situations, it actually expanded the situations beyond life saving situations to where you can get an abortion...all the way up to point of birth.
The new law also repeals Sections 125.40,.45, .50, .55 and .60 which decriminalizes ANY act that leads to an abortion. Yes, this protects doctors who perform a post-week 24 abortion, but it now also protects anyone who causes an abortion in any capacity. Because unlike 125.05 which got a re-write, those other repeals weren't replaced with anything. It just means that there is no penalty for anything that takes the life of an unborn child.
So that 2-7 years prison sentence a domestic abuser would get from causing his woman to lose her post week 24 child (a class D felony) is no longer an option. Yes, he still gets convicted on other abuse or assault charges, but this isn't the NFL where only the worst penalty on a play gets enforced. The additional 2-7 years vanish. A reduced sentence if you will.
Wow, it has been forever and a day since I last posted. Haven't pounded out anything worthy as of late, so instead of leaving this place to die a slow malnourished death, I figure I'd put up this little essay I wrote back in January about the recent (at the time) law they just passed in New York regarding abortion...
Imagine this in the same vein as my "[blank] of the Dead" deconstructions.
--------------------------------------
[New York's Reproductive Health Act is Dumb]
Time to educate the ignorant masses about the abortion law NYS just passed. Yes, it's time for another episode of "The Intellectual High Ground" with me, Ted!
Today, we return to the Reproductive Health Act that New York recently passed and we'll debunk the more prevalent defense that people have been using as a shield to the counter argument that this law is unnecessary. We're also going to actually look at what exactly the law states will happen. I won't be reading opinion pieces on this law-I'm actually reading the law as written and analyzing it. I will stray away from my own opinions as much as I can and only go for cold, hard facts as only a Conservative can give it. Some of you may want to dismiss me as you hold your hands over your ears and run for your echo chambers, but for the rest of you looking to actually learn something today, please consider this one of those "Bitter pills to swallow" situations.
Anyway, on with the show...
The paraphrased argument in favor of this law is: This only applies to when the fetus isn't viable or the mother's life is at risk after the 24th week.
Let's break this up a little. We'll start with the viable fetus argument. This part will be short. When a fetus isn't viable at the 25 week mark, an abortion usually isn't recommended because it would be safer to remove it as a birth instead. Healthcare providers tend to advise to what is best for the health of their patient as opposed to whatever their moral or political leanings are. They went to medical school; So when they advise you to deliver that non-viable baby as opposed to aborting it, there's a good reason for it.
Enough of the appetizer though...
The other part of the argument is that the new law protects the life of the mother now. This argument implies that before this law, when week 25 begins, everything goes on lockdown. If your life is in danger, too bad, you'll have to die. Is this true? Let's find out. Glossing over the fact that even the Catholic Church supports an abortion if the pregnancy threatens the mother's life, there is no law where a mother is forced to go through a life threatening pregnancy.
The following law was in effect before the Reproductive Health Act was passed:
[NEW YORK STATE PENAL LAW, SECTION 125.05, SUBDIVISION 3:
"Justifiable Abortion Act"
An abortional act is justifiable when committed upon a female with her consent by a duly licensed physician acting (a) under a reasonable belief that such is necessary to preserve her life, or, (b) within twenty-four weeks from the commencement of her pregnancy. A pregnant female`s commission of an abortional act upon herself is justifiable when she acts upon the advice of a duly licensed physician (1) that such act is necessary to preserve her life, or, (2) within twenty-four weeks from the commencement of her pregnancy. The submission by a female to an abortional act is justifiable when she believes that it is being committed by a duly licensed physician, acting under a reasonable belief that such act is necessary to preserve her life, or, within twenty-four weeks from the commencement of her pregnancy.]
I've often times argued that the language of a law is key. In the case of the law above, there are 2 instances of which an abortion is kosher: either within the first 24 weeks OR if the life of the mother is in danger.
OR, not AND.
That word in there is important. There is a BIG difference. There is no time frame defined on the part that states a life saving abortion is ok, meaning that is has ALWAYS been the law in NYS that you can get an abortion at any time up until the point of birth if it meant saving your life. The Reproductive Health Act does not change this. It suddenly didn't make it legal to save a mother's life. But this law is moot though, because the new law repeals Section 125.05 Subdivision 3.
Why?
They needed to add two words to it. Here is what the new law states:
[§ 2599-BB. ABORTION. 1. A HEALTH CARE PRACTITIONER LICENSED, CERTI- FIED, OR AUTHORIZED UNDER TITLE EIGHT OF THE EDUCATION LAW, ACTING WITH-IN HIS OR HER LAWFUL SCOPE OF PRACTICE, MAY PERFORM AN ABORTION WHEN, ACCORDING TO THE PRACTITIONER'S REASONABLE AND GOOD FAITH PROFESSIONAL JUDGMENT BASED ON THE FACTS OF THE PATIENT'S CASE: THE PATIENT IS WITHIN TWENTY-FOUR WEEKS FROM THE COMMENCEMENT OF PREGNANCY, OR THERE IS AN ABSENCE OF FETAL VIABILITY, OR THE ABORTION IS NECESSARY TO PROTECT THE PATIENT'S LIFE OR HEALTH.]
The last part is the important part. It seems almost like a word for word repeat of 125.05 subsection 3 except for the 2 words that end this new law. "Or health" What does that mean? It doesn't mean life threatening because "protect the patient's life" was already explicitly stated prior to the "or health" addition.
This new law didn't suddenly allow abortions for life saving situations, it actually expanded the situations beyond life saving situations to where you can get an abortion...all the way up to point of birth.
The new law also repeals Sections 125.40,.45, .50, .55 and .60 which decriminalizes ANY act that leads to an abortion. Yes, this protects doctors who perform a post-week 24 abortion, but it now also protects anyone who causes an abortion in any capacity. Because unlike 125.05 which got a re-write, those other repeals weren't replaced with anything. It just means that there is no penalty for anything that takes the life of an unborn child.
So that 2-7 years prison sentence a domestic abuser would get from causing his woman to lose her post week 24 child (a class D felony) is no longer an option. Yes, he still gets convicted on other abuse or assault charges, but this isn't the NFL where only the worst penalty on a play gets enforced. The additional 2-7 years vanish. A reduced sentence if you will.
Something else gets repeals with this new law:
[Section 4164 of the New York Public Health Law
"Induced Viable Births"
1. When an abortion is to be performed after the twelfth week of pregnancy it shall be performed only in a hospital and only on an in-patient basis. When an abortion is to be performed after the twentieth week of pregnancy, a physician other than the physician performing the abortion shall be in attendance to take control of and to provide immediate medical care for any live birth that is the result of the abortion. The commissioner of health is authorized to promulgate rules and regulations to insure the health and safety of the mother and the viable child, in such instances.
2. Such child shall be accorded immediate legal protection under the laws of the state of New York, including but not limited to applicable provisions of the social services law, article five of the civil rights law and the penal law.
3. The medical records of all life-sustaining efforts put forth for such a live aborted birth, their failure or success, shall be kept by attending physician. All other vital statistics requirements in the public health law shall be complied with in regard to such aborted child.
4. In the event of the subsequent death of the aborted child, the disposal of the dead body shall be in accordance with the requirements of this chapter.]
That law was repealed. Not replaced or amended. Repealed. In addition to the broadening of who exactly can advise and perform an abortion, NYS has simply loosened the quality standards for abortion in general.
So, in closing...
The Reproductive Health Act does nothing to protect the lives of women that previous laws were not already doing.
All it does is expand the situations and time frame is which women can get an abortion. That time frame being literally any point they want in the pregnancy, and the situation can be literally anything they feel like. "Health of the mother" can be a very, very broadly defined and liberally applied situation.
Thank you for your time. If you have a pure emotional and factually baseless complaint, the line starts to my left.
Everyone else, have a great day!
[Section 4164 of the New York Public Health Law
"Induced Viable Births"
1. When an abortion is to be performed after the twelfth week of pregnancy it shall be performed only in a hospital and only on an in-patient basis. When an abortion is to be performed after the twentieth week of pregnancy, a physician other than the physician performing the abortion shall be in attendance to take control of and to provide immediate medical care for any live birth that is the result of the abortion. The commissioner of health is authorized to promulgate rules and regulations to insure the health and safety of the mother and the viable child, in such instances.
2. Such child shall be accorded immediate legal protection under the laws of the state of New York, including but not limited to applicable provisions of the social services law, article five of the civil rights law and the penal law.
3. The medical records of all life-sustaining efforts put forth for such a live aborted birth, their failure or success, shall be kept by attending physician. All other vital statistics requirements in the public health law shall be complied with in regard to such aborted child.
4. In the event of the subsequent death of the aborted child, the disposal of the dead body shall be in accordance with the requirements of this chapter.]
That law was repealed. Not replaced or amended. Repealed. In addition to the broadening of who exactly can advise and perform an abortion, NYS has simply loosened the quality standards for abortion in general.
So, in closing...
The Reproductive Health Act does nothing to protect the lives of women that previous laws were not already doing.
All it does is expand the situations and time frame is which women can get an abortion. That time frame being literally any point they want in the pregnancy, and the situation can be literally anything they feel like. "Health of the mother" can be a very, very broadly defined and liberally applied situation.
Thank you for your time. If you have a pure emotional and factually baseless complaint, the line starts to my left.
Everyone else, have a great day!
December 29, 2018
Vampires of Pittsburgh - Strip Club
[Posted by Ted H]
...Yes, we're at a strip club.
...No, we won't be here again...
...Maybe...
...No, we won't be here again...
...Maybe...
------------------------------------------------------------
[Vampires of Pittsburgh - Strip Club]
The strip club was having a slow
night, which made things a gamble. Sometimes the lack of clients made the girls
more cutthroat to claim clients for their own, or sometimes the girls resigned
their apathy to the clubs atmosphere. Unfortunately the night was shaping up to
be the latter. Nick knew better than to panic though. Panic leads to
desperation, and strippers tended to avoid the desperate clients, especially in
today's day and age.
One girl was making her way
nearby that had caught Nick's eye all night. Dark skin, with smooth legs
leading right to an oversized ass that seemed tight and inviting, not to take
anything away from her other ample curves. Nick decided now was time to make
his play; He leaned back and gave off an angry stoic look, but not too angry.
He turned his gaze to slightly ahead of the strippers path so eye contact would
seem incidental.
"Hey baby," she said as she approached, flashing a genuine smile as she helped herself to a seat right in Nick's lap. "Sup," Nick said as he turned his head slightly to her, acting like he had been paying attention to the girl on stage. "You seem pretty lonely over here," the stripper cooed "Want some company?" Nick acted like he was pondering her question. "Sounds like a good idea," he said with a slight grin, which the stripper ate up. She leaned closer to him, her lips practically on his ears and whispered "I could keep you better company in back if you like."
Nick was ready to close when he noticed Kyle approaching. "Shit," he said under his breath as the man walked over with two beers in hand. "Sup, bitches!" he proclaimed as he offered Nick a beer. "Hey good looking," he then said to the stripper, who Nick could feel was losing interest in the whole situation. "You still trying to get a dance, man?" he asked back to Nick. "He with you?" the stripper asked. "Uhhh..." Nick said.
"Hey, when you're done with Nick in back, I wouldn't mind some brown sugar," Kyle said before he took a long sip from his bottle. "I don't do white boys," she said as she stood up. "Wait-" Nick tried to salvage. "You boys have fun," the stripper said as she walked off, Nick and Kyle watching her walk away before Nick decided to address what just happened.
"What the fuck is wrong with you?" Nick said, finally taking the second bottle out of Kyle's hand. "Dude, it's not my fault you're so slow at this," Kyle said as he sat down in the open seat next to Nick so they could both watch the dancer on stage "In the time it took for you to *finally* get that stripper in your lap, I threw money at the main stage, talked to a few girls, took one in the back, had a cigarette out front, tried to get that earlier girl's number, got a couple beers and *still* had time to blue ball you."
"I hope you get syphilis," Nick said without looking away from the stage.
"Why are you so picky in strip clubs?"
"Black strippers are superior."
"I've seen you with some ugly ass women in my life. You have no standards."
"Strip clubs are where I can play safe odds. There's always at least one fine ebony at a club every night. I never need to settle when I know a knock out girl is waiting for me when I'm here."
"You're an idiot."
"You're a cock block."
"You cock block me all the fucking time, don't even start."
The current dancer on stage ended her routine and worked to clean up her clothes and money before the next girl arrived. Nick and Kyle drank in silence until the lights dimmed and the new girl began her routine. "C'mon," Kyle said as he slapped Nick's arm "Let's have some fun." Both men approached the main stage and sat down.
"Alright gentlemen," the DJ announced over the booming sound system "Time to get out your dollars and show some love, it's Crystal on stage!"
"I bet she does meth," Kyle said.
"Man, shut up!" Nick almost had to shout. The music was obnoxious at the main stage.
"I'm just sayin," Kyle defended "She's lanky and malnourished. Probably took this job to pay for more meth, took the name thinking it was funny and witty."
"She don't look honky tonk enough."
"Look at her cheek bones. I even think I see bags under her eyes."
"Why are you looking at her cheek bones?" Nick demanded just as Crystal pulled off her top to reveal her breasts to a cheering crowd of 6 other men.
"I bet she's missing teeth."
"You're full of shit."
"Hundred bucks says I'm right."
"You're on."
Both men shook hands and began cat calling the stripper, trying to elicit a smile. She ignored them for the most part and carried on in her routine, wearing just a small pair of panties. When she hinted she was at the point where they would come off, Kyle leaned forward and shouted towards the stage "Yeah baby, I can't wait anymore! I need to see that *ass*!"
Crystal winked and gave a slight smile as she began lowering the last shreds of her clothing. Despite her ample nudity, Nick and Kyle were zeroed in on her mouth when she smiled to reveal the unmistakable sight of a few missing teeth. "Fuck," Nick said quickly as Kyle did a fist pump and cheered, Crystal oblivious to the reasoning and took it as appreciation of her naked body.
"Maybe she does roller derby or hockey or shit like that," Nick reasoned.
"I'll take my money now, please," Kyle said with a giant grin on his face.
Nick took a $100 bill from his pocket and practically threw it in Kyle's face. Before he could say anything, Crystal had approached them on the stage and leaned over toward Kyle. "You enjoying yourself, baby?" she asked. "Oh, I am," Kyle said and pulled out a few singles "And you definitely deserve a tip for it."
Kyle leaned back and lowered the zipper on his fly, then stuffed the money in the opening. "All yours. Only use your mouth though," he said proudly. Crystal took one look at the money in Kyle's crotch and said "Just a few? Honey, I was expecting something bigger in your pants."
"Oh shit!" Nick yelled before laughing his ass off. Nearby patrons overhearing were laughing too. Some of them even threw more money at the stripper, who herself looked very content with her jab. "Oh, you wanna be cute?" Kyle said as he reached down and tossed aside the singles in his pants. He then held up the $100 bill Nick had just given him, causing all laughter to stop and catching the full attention of not only Crystal, but every stripper who was watching. Kyle then placed the money into his fly opening and asked "That big enough for ya?"
Just as Crystal was eagerly leaning in to retrieve the money, Kyle held up his hand for her to wait. "Since you're a bit of a smartass," he said as he used his other hand to slowly push the money deeper into his pants "You're gonna have to earn this one." The $100 bill was now barely visible.
Before Crystal could act though, a man placed his hand on Kyle's shoulder and said "It's time to go." Kyle spun around in his seat, ready to protest. "I didn't do anything wrong yet," he said as he looked up to see that it wasn't a bouncer trying to kick him out. "Fuck off, Dan, we're busy," Nick said as he turned away. "Seriously," Dan said, ignoring Nick "Now."
"On whose authority?" Kyle asked "Cuz you sure as shit don't outrank me."
"The entire high council," Dan said as he turned and walked away.
"Fuuuuuuuck," Nick said as he and Kyle looked at each other.
"Think he's lying?" Kyle asked.
"That fucker doesn't lie about work," Nick responded and stood up. Kyle followed suit, unceremoniously removing the $100 bill and casually tossing it onto the stage where Crystal had long since lost interest in him. Both men walked out of the club and onto the street. It had recently rained, leaving the dark street slick and shiny looking. Dan had crossed the street and was waiting under a street light.
"This couldn't have waited until morning?" Kyle asked as he and Nick joined Dan under the street light. "I just found out myself," Dan responded. He was wearing a black jacket with dark blue trim, black jeans and leather boots. He had long silver hair that he kept tied back tightly. "Backlash contacted me this morning. Specifically said to get you two idiots in the loop as well."
"How come he never calls us?" Nick asked.
"Maybe you should update him on the number for your burner phones," Dan responded.
"Yeah yeah yeah, whatever," Kyle said "So what's the fucking job?"
"I don't know specifics," Dan said "Just that it's big and we need to get to Pittsburgh."
"Pittsburgh?" Kyle and Nick asked in unison. "Problem?" Dan asked after being taken aback. "Oh no problem," Kyle said "Except that it's on the fucking other side of the country."
"Yes, clearly a huge concern for our line of work," Dan said sarcastically.
"It's not the distance," Nick corrected "It's November. It's fucking cold up there."
"I'm sorry that not every end of the world scenario can happen in San Diego," Dan reasoned "But too bad. Get your shit and get moving. We meet in three days."
"Where do we meet?" Kyle asked as Dan began walking away "Pittsburgh isn't exactly a small place."
"Maybe you guys should update Backlash on your number so he can tell you," Dan responded without turning around.
"Maybe you should fuck off," Nick said, then spit into the street in his direction.
"This blows," Kyle said as a light rain began falling "So what do you wanna do now?"
"Hmmm," Nick pondered "I want to fuck that meth head in her ass."
"I thought you were super picky in strip clubs?"
"Well you fucked me over on the hot chick, now I gotta settle."
"Meth girl wants my cock, not yours. I was the one with the c-note."
"She knows who you got it from."
"Hey baby," she said as she approached, flashing a genuine smile as she helped herself to a seat right in Nick's lap. "Sup," Nick said as he turned his head slightly to her, acting like he had been paying attention to the girl on stage. "You seem pretty lonely over here," the stripper cooed "Want some company?" Nick acted like he was pondering her question. "Sounds like a good idea," he said with a slight grin, which the stripper ate up. She leaned closer to him, her lips practically on his ears and whispered "I could keep you better company in back if you like."
Nick was ready to close when he noticed Kyle approaching. "Shit," he said under his breath as the man walked over with two beers in hand. "Sup, bitches!" he proclaimed as he offered Nick a beer. "Hey good looking," he then said to the stripper, who Nick could feel was losing interest in the whole situation. "You still trying to get a dance, man?" he asked back to Nick. "He with you?" the stripper asked. "Uhhh..." Nick said.
"Hey, when you're done with Nick in back, I wouldn't mind some brown sugar," Kyle said before he took a long sip from his bottle. "I don't do white boys," she said as she stood up. "Wait-" Nick tried to salvage. "You boys have fun," the stripper said as she walked off, Nick and Kyle watching her walk away before Nick decided to address what just happened.
"What the fuck is wrong with you?" Nick said, finally taking the second bottle out of Kyle's hand. "Dude, it's not my fault you're so slow at this," Kyle said as he sat down in the open seat next to Nick so they could both watch the dancer on stage "In the time it took for you to *finally* get that stripper in your lap, I threw money at the main stage, talked to a few girls, took one in the back, had a cigarette out front, tried to get that earlier girl's number, got a couple beers and *still* had time to blue ball you."
"I hope you get syphilis," Nick said without looking away from the stage.
"Why are you so picky in strip clubs?"
"Black strippers are superior."
"I've seen you with some ugly ass women in my life. You have no standards."
"Strip clubs are where I can play safe odds. There's always at least one fine ebony at a club every night. I never need to settle when I know a knock out girl is waiting for me when I'm here."
"You're an idiot."
"You're a cock block."
"You cock block me all the fucking time, don't even start."
The current dancer on stage ended her routine and worked to clean up her clothes and money before the next girl arrived. Nick and Kyle drank in silence until the lights dimmed and the new girl began her routine. "C'mon," Kyle said as he slapped Nick's arm "Let's have some fun." Both men approached the main stage and sat down.
"Alright gentlemen," the DJ announced over the booming sound system "Time to get out your dollars and show some love, it's Crystal on stage!"
"I bet she does meth," Kyle said.
"Man, shut up!" Nick almost had to shout. The music was obnoxious at the main stage.
"I'm just sayin," Kyle defended "She's lanky and malnourished. Probably took this job to pay for more meth, took the name thinking it was funny and witty."
"She don't look honky tonk enough."
"Look at her cheek bones. I even think I see bags under her eyes."
"Why are you looking at her cheek bones?" Nick demanded just as Crystal pulled off her top to reveal her breasts to a cheering crowd of 6 other men.
"I bet she's missing teeth."
"You're full of shit."
"Hundred bucks says I'm right."
"You're on."
Both men shook hands and began cat calling the stripper, trying to elicit a smile. She ignored them for the most part and carried on in her routine, wearing just a small pair of panties. When she hinted she was at the point where they would come off, Kyle leaned forward and shouted towards the stage "Yeah baby, I can't wait anymore! I need to see that *ass*!"
Crystal winked and gave a slight smile as she began lowering the last shreds of her clothing. Despite her ample nudity, Nick and Kyle were zeroed in on her mouth when she smiled to reveal the unmistakable sight of a few missing teeth. "Fuck," Nick said quickly as Kyle did a fist pump and cheered, Crystal oblivious to the reasoning and took it as appreciation of her naked body.
"Maybe she does roller derby or hockey or shit like that," Nick reasoned.
"I'll take my money now, please," Kyle said with a giant grin on his face.
Nick took a $100 bill from his pocket and practically threw it in Kyle's face. Before he could say anything, Crystal had approached them on the stage and leaned over toward Kyle. "You enjoying yourself, baby?" she asked. "Oh, I am," Kyle said and pulled out a few singles "And you definitely deserve a tip for it."
Kyle leaned back and lowered the zipper on his fly, then stuffed the money in the opening. "All yours. Only use your mouth though," he said proudly. Crystal took one look at the money in Kyle's crotch and said "Just a few? Honey, I was expecting something bigger in your pants."
"Oh shit!" Nick yelled before laughing his ass off. Nearby patrons overhearing were laughing too. Some of them even threw more money at the stripper, who herself looked very content with her jab. "Oh, you wanna be cute?" Kyle said as he reached down and tossed aside the singles in his pants. He then held up the $100 bill Nick had just given him, causing all laughter to stop and catching the full attention of not only Crystal, but every stripper who was watching. Kyle then placed the money into his fly opening and asked "That big enough for ya?"
Just as Crystal was eagerly leaning in to retrieve the money, Kyle held up his hand for her to wait. "Since you're a bit of a smartass," he said as he used his other hand to slowly push the money deeper into his pants "You're gonna have to earn this one." The $100 bill was now barely visible.
Before Crystal could act though, a man placed his hand on Kyle's shoulder and said "It's time to go." Kyle spun around in his seat, ready to protest. "I didn't do anything wrong yet," he said as he looked up to see that it wasn't a bouncer trying to kick him out. "Fuck off, Dan, we're busy," Nick said as he turned away. "Seriously," Dan said, ignoring Nick "Now."
"On whose authority?" Kyle asked "Cuz you sure as shit don't outrank me."
"The entire high council," Dan said as he turned and walked away.
"Fuuuuuuuck," Nick said as he and Kyle looked at each other.
"Think he's lying?" Kyle asked.
"That fucker doesn't lie about work," Nick responded and stood up. Kyle followed suit, unceremoniously removing the $100 bill and casually tossing it onto the stage where Crystal had long since lost interest in him. Both men walked out of the club and onto the street. It had recently rained, leaving the dark street slick and shiny looking. Dan had crossed the street and was waiting under a street light.
"This couldn't have waited until morning?" Kyle asked as he and Nick joined Dan under the street light. "I just found out myself," Dan responded. He was wearing a black jacket with dark blue trim, black jeans and leather boots. He had long silver hair that he kept tied back tightly. "Backlash contacted me this morning. Specifically said to get you two idiots in the loop as well."
"How come he never calls us?" Nick asked.
"Maybe you should update him on the number for your burner phones," Dan responded.
"Yeah yeah yeah, whatever," Kyle said "So what's the fucking job?"
"I don't know specifics," Dan said "Just that it's big and we need to get to Pittsburgh."
"Pittsburgh?" Kyle and Nick asked in unison. "Problem?" Dan asked after being taken aback. "Oh no problem," Kyle said "Except that it's on the fucking other side of the country."
"Yes, clearly a huge concern for our line of work," Dan said sarcastically.
"It's not the distance," Nick corrected "It's November. It's fucking cold up there."
"I'm sorry that not every end of the world scenario can happen in San Diego," Dan reasoned "But too bad. Get your shit and get moving. We meet in three days."
"Where do we meet?" Kyle asked as Dan began walking away "Pittsburgh isn't exactly a small place."
"Maybe you guys should update Backlash on your number so he can tell you," Dan responded without turning around.
"Maybe you should fuck off," Nick said, then spit into the street in his direction.
"This blows," Kyle said as a light rain began falling "So what do you wanna do now?"
"Hmmm," Nick pondered "I want to fuck that meth head in her ass."
"I thought you were super picky in strip clubs?"
"Well you fucked me over on the hot chick, now I gotta settle."
"Meth girl wants my cock, not yours. I was the one with the c-note."
"She knows who you got it from."
December 21, 2018
Vampires of Pittsburgh - Vital Message
[Posted by Ted H]
As I am the type to be as offensive as possible, let me just say....Merry Christmas.
----------------------------------
[Vampires of Pittsburgh - Vital Message]
As I am the type to be as offensive as possible, let me just say....Merry Christmas.
----------------------------------
[Vampires of Pittsburgh - Vital Message]
Matthews apartment complex was
devoid of all life in its parking lot. The usual collection of homeless, drug
dealers and their addicts that Blake and John had become so accustomed to
constantly seeing that they were invisible were now being noticed for their
complete absence. "Something was here," Blake said with the hairs on
the back of his neck standing up. "You sure?" John asked, idly
patting where he concealed his sidearm.
"Yeah," Blake said after a pause, then started across the lot. They made it up to Matthews apartment door without incident, but John stayed vigilant. "You think this is a trap?" John asked. "I sure hope not," Blake said, remembering the last time he was cornered in this complex "I'm not a fan of getting tabbed." He knocked two times loudly on Matthew's door and waited.
The door creaked open slightly to reveal Matthew peeking out, who then swung the door open wider. "Jesus, guys, what took you? Get in here!" He said quickly and the two entered. "You can relax now," Blake said, half mockingly "The heroes are here."
"I honestly don't have the patience for your jokes, Blake," Matthew chastised.
"Clearly you do, seeing how you insisted on my presence."
"And if the situation didn't scare the hell out of me, or require your knowledge, I wouldn't have told you."
"Alright, fine," Blake said, all kidding aside "What's the problem?"
"Something is looking for you."
"That's nothing new."
"No. This something is different. Powerful. They knocked on my door earlier and asked for you. Said you weren't home."
"Yeah, we've been running errands all day," Blake proclaimed.
"Blake's been all over town, like a child, looking for a cigarette they don't make anymore," John corrected.
"What now?" Blake asked "And who exactly is looking for me?"
"I don't know who they are," Matthew said "But they knew better than to try to enter here. We spoke in the doorway and they definitely took notice of my protection runes."
"So where are they now?" John asked "If they were so hell bent on finding Blake, they sure have a funny way of showing it."
"This woman was in charge," Matthew explained "And she had this royal arrogance about her. She started at your house, then came here to relay a message. She isn't interested in hunting you down. You are to find her now."
"If she relayed a message, then why not just tell John the message on the phone?" Blake asked as he flipped through pages of a book on a nearby table. The book was in a completely unknown language. "Why drag me all the way over to you?"
"Blake, you really need to understand how fucked up this feels," Matthew said as he walked over and closed the book Blake was playing with "This woman wasn't human."
"I've been hired by non-humans before," Blake said after a pause.
"I've been around plenty of the abnormal before, and this one concerns me. Just be careful."
"Ok, ok," Blake said "Enough with the whole cryptic routine. What's this vital message you need to tell me?"
Matthew narrowed his eyes, then reached into his pocket for a piece of paper he had written on. "This is an address, be there at midnight," Matthew said as Blake took the paper, glanced at it with a shrug and handed it to John. "I don't know what's there, but I once again stress caution," Matthew added. "Yeah, yeah," Blake dismissed "So what about the others with this lady?"
"Big, silent, imposing and dressed in all black," Matthew said "So don't start any fights."
"Can't be helped sometimes," Blake said with a grin as he made for the exit.
"If you do start trouble, please leave me out of it," Matthew said.
"No promises," Blake said as he opened the door and left, John right behind him. "Matthew seemed a little genuinely freaked out," John said as the men approached the car in the parking lot. "Meh, he'll be fine," Blake commented.
"You're not even a little concerned?"
"If they wanted to cause me harm, they wouldn't ask to meet me somewhere at a later time."
"Maybe it's a trap."
"Not as effective as, oh I don't know, waiting to jump us in an empty parking lot under the cover of darkness."
"That's not funny. Now get in the damn car."
"Yeah," Blake said after a pause, then started across the lot. They made it up to Matthews apartment door without incident, but John stayed vigilant. "You think this is a trap?" John asked. "I sure hope not," Blake said, remembering the last time he was cornered in this complex "I'm not a fan of getting tabbed." He knocked two times loudly on Matthew's door and waited.
The door creaked open slightly to reveal Matthew peeking out, who then swung the door open wider. "Jesus, guys, what took you? Get in here!" He said quickly and the two entered. "You can relax now," Blake said, half mockingly "The heroes are here."
"I honestly don't have the patience for your jokes, Blake," Matthew chastised.
"Clearly you do, seeing how you insisted on my presence."
"And if the situation didn't scare the hell out of me, or require your knowledge, I wouldn't have told you."
"Alright, fine," Blake said, all kidding aside "What's the problem?"
"Something is looking for you."
"That's nothing new."
"No. This something is different. Powerful. They knocked on my door earlier and asked for you. Said you weren't home."
"Yeah, we've been running errands all day," Blake proclaimed.
"Blake's been all over town, like a child, looking for a cigarette they don't make anymore," John corrected.
"What now?" Blake asked "And who exactly is looking for me?"
"I don't know who they are," Matthew said "But they knew better than to try to enter here. We spoke in the doorway and they definitely took notice of my protection runes."
"So where are they now?" John asked "If they were so hell bent on finding Blake, they sure have a funny way of showing it."
"This woman was in charge," Matthew explained "And she had this royal arrogance about her. She started at your house, then came here to relay a message. She isn't interested in hunting you down. You are to find her now."
"If she relayed a message, then why not just tell John the message on the phone?" Blake asked as he flipped through pages of a book on a nearby table. The book was in a completely unknown language. "Why drag me all the way over to you?"
"Blake, you really need to understand how fucked up this feels," Matthew said as he walked over and closed the book Blake was playing with "This woman wasn't human."
"I've been hired by non-humans before," Blake said after a pause.
"I've been around plenty of the abnormal before, and this one concerns me. Just be careful."
"Ok, ok," Blake said "Enough with the whole cryptic routine. What's this vital message you need to tell me?"
Matthew narrowed his eyes, then reached into his pocket for a piece of paper he had written on. "This is an address, be there at midnight," Matthew said as Blake took the paper, glanced at it with a shrug and handed it to John. "I don't know what's there, but I once again stress caution," Matthew added. "Yeah, yeah," Blake dismissed "So what about the others with this lady?"
"Big, silent, imposing and dressed in all black," Matthew said "So don't start any fights."
"Can't be helped sometimes," Blake said with a grin as he made for the exit.
"If you do start trouble, please leave me out of it," Matthew said.
"No promises," Blake said as he opened the door and left, John right behind him. "Matthew seemed a little genuinely freaked out," John said as the men approached the car in the parking lot. "Meh, he'll be fine," Blake commented.
"You're not even a little concerned?"
"If they wanted to cause me harm, they wouldn't ask to meet me somewhere at a later time."
"Maybe it's a trap."
"Not as effective as, oh I don't know, waiting to jump us in an empty parking lot under the cover of darkness."
"That's not funny. Now get in the damn car."
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)