The 2018 MLB Turtle-Wax Awards

[Posted by Ted H]

I'll miss every update in my life except my terrible awards in October...

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[The 2018 MLB Turtle-Wax Awards]

These are the awards you DON'T want to win.

The "Rays And Orioles Would Rather Play In This Division" Award

Awarded to the crappiest division in baseball

[Previous winners: 2009 AL Central, 2010 AL West, 2011 AL Central, 2012 AL Central, 2013 AL West, 2014 NL East, 2015 NL East, 2016 AL Central, 2017 NL East]

---The American League Central: Indians, Royals, Tigers, Twins, White Sox---

Let's face it: the AL Central was BAD this year. I know a lot of teams entered this year ready to tank, but every other division had some intriguing story lines. The AL East had two 100 win teams, the west in both leagues and the AL Central had three teams each fighting for the division down to the wire. The NL East was almost as bad, but their worst team in Miami had the same record as the AL Central's 3rd place team. The AL Central had two 100 LOSS teams and the Indians won pretty much by default.

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The "Steroid Accusation Rookie Of The Year" Award

Awarded to the slugger who is probably gonna get accused of steroids next, if not already

(I am NOT accusing the winner of steroids, just sayin...)

[Previous winners: 2009 Aaron Hill (TOR), 2010 Corey Hart (MIL), 2011 Jacoby Ellsbury (BOS), 2012 Edwin Encarnacion (TOR), 2013 Chris Davis (BAL), 2014 Victor Martinez (DET), 2015 Nolan Arenado (COL), 2016 Brian Dozier (MIN), Justin Smoak (TOR)]

---Christian Yelich of the Milwaukee Brewers---

2018 HR total: 36

Previous Career High: 21 in 2016.

This is probably explainable by one of two things; 1: He's free of that cavernous ballpark in Miami...or 2: He's free of that perpetual shitty team in Miami. Either way, Yelich seems real happy to be free of Miami.

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The "What The Hell Happened To You?" Award

Awarded to the team that fell off the map when they were supposed to be contenders

[Previous winners: 2009 New York Mets, 2010 Seattle Mariners, 2011 Cincinnati Reds, 2012 Miami Marlins, 2013 California Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, 2014 Milwaukee Brewers, 2015 Seattle Mariners, 2016 Kansas City Royals, 2017 New York Mets]

---The Washington Nationals ---

It's Bryce Harper's final season (maybe) and possibly your final chance to make a realistic run at a world championship. The whole world is watching to see if you can at least escape the first round of the playoffs this time. The only real competition was going to be the Mets, which mean there was supposed to be no threat to yet another divisional title in Washington.....And instead we got an uninspired team that wilted from a surprise push from a couple of young teams in Philly and Atlanta. Great teams are able to answer the call to such a challenge from young and inexperienced teams. The Nationals failed. No bonus points for not losing again in the LDS when you don't even get that far.

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The "Shut Your God Damn Mouth" Award

Awarded to whoever talked too much without backing it up

[Previous winners: 2009 Chicago Cubs, 2010 MLB Network, 2011 Carlos Zambrano (CHC), 2012 Boston Red Sox, 2013 Jordany Valdespin (NYM), 2014 Keith Olberman (ESPN), 2015 Boston Red Sox, 2016 Boston Red Sox fans, 2017 Yasiel Puig (LAD)]

---The San Francisco Giants Even Year Magic---

We get it, Giants fans. we get it. Giants won it all in 2010, 12 and 14. You claimed it was some even year magic. But then 2016 came and it all ended...or so we thought. Fans and media alike claimed that the even year magic still meant that while the Giants are rancid in odd numbered years, that they'll still be a force here in an even year. But 2018 saw the Giants finish 4th and only die hard delusional fans honestly believed that these guys had a chance at the playoffs. Now next year you'll suck again too, but in 2020 please try to shut the hell up. Instead of relying on some magic or whatever, maybe try to be a good baseball team.

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The "This Years Miracle, Next Years Indians" Award

Awarded to the team that made a surprise playoff run this year, and will fall short next year

[Previous winners: 2009 Colorado Rockies, 2010 Tampa Bay Rays, 2011 Tampa Bay Rays, 2012 Baltimore Orioles, 2013 Cleveland Indians, 2014 Kansas City Royals, 2015 Houston Astros, 2016 Cleveland Indians, 2017 Minnesota Twins]

---The Oakland Athletics ---

Oakland has no payroll, which is more of a management decision to be cheap along with the fact that no one watches them at home. Good players for cheap only last so long before they jump ship for teams that actually want to pay them. Oakland is incapable of fielding good teams in back to back years.

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The "This Years Phillies, Next Years Miracle" Award

Awarded to a team that sucked this year, but can make a run next year

[Previous winners: 2009 Chicago White Sox, 2010 Chicago White Sox, 2011 Washington Nationals, 2012 Seattle Mariners, 2013 New York Yankees, 2014 Chicago Cubs, 2015 Detroit Tigers, 2016 New York Yankees, 2017 San Francisco Giants]

---The Philadelphia Phillies---

Call it youth, but everything should click next year for the Phillies. It'll also help that they play in the same division as the always bad Mets and Marlins and the Nationals are probably gonna start sucking too.

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The "AAA Team In Disguise" Award

Awarded to a team that might have better luck in AAA

[Previous winners: 2009 Washington Nationals, 2010 Pittsburgh Pirates, 2011 Boston Red Sox, 2012 Houston Astros, 2013 Miami Marlins, 2014 Texas Rangers, 2015 Philadelphia Phillies, 2016 Minnesota Twins, 2017 Detroit Tigers]

---The Miami Marlins ---

When the entire team gets shipped off so the team can save some cash up to start all over again and maybe build a winner in Miami, then we get what is quite literally a AAA team pretending to be major league players.

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The "Dull Knife In The Drawer" Award

Awarded to the biggest mental error this year

[Previous winners: 2009 Washington Nati(o)nals, 2010 Barak Obama, 2011 Brian Sabean (SF), 2012 Derek Norris (OAK), 2013 Mark Pagnozzi (HOU), 2014 Michael Pineda (NYY), 2015 Arte Moreno (LAA), 2016 Buster Posey (SFG), David Price (BOS)]

---Gary Sanchez of the New York Yankees---

Let's just ignore that he runs down to first like Robinson Cano in a meaningless game would. Let's also forget that this year he was out done offensively by the teams backup catcher. Gary Sanzhez' biggest mental issue this year is that there are times where he literally cannot catch the ball when it is pitched to him. Catching the ball, in case you don't know, is generally an important thing to do when your position in baseball is CATCHer.
Also the fact that he sometimes allow a runner to steal 2nd, 3rd and home all in the same inning is a pretty good indicator that sometimes on defense the lights are on but nobody's home.

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The "Results May Vary" Award

Awarded to a player/team that didn't live up to the hype

[Previous winners: 2010 Stephen Strasburg (WAS), 2011 Carl Crawford (BOS), 2012 Los Angeles Dodgers, 2013 Toronto Blue Jays, 2014 Boston Red Sox, 2015 Robinson Cano (SEA), 2016 San Diego Padres, 2017 Eric Thames (MIL)]

---Shohei Ohtani of the Los Angeles Angels---

This has nothing to do with him missing a huge chunk of the year with an injury, nor the fact that his pitch AND hit approach became just hitting as a result. It has everything to do with how Ohtani swindled the Angels out of their money. Ohtani knew he was hurt when he was looking for a team to sign with. He came over early and lost out on some cash, but as a result he could come to America and take advantage of their teams' better medical staff. Now he needs Tommy John surgery and won't be able to cut loose with his pitching ability until his contract is pretty much over in LA, which means he'll be able to jump ship and find a new team, leaving the Angels in the dust again.

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The "Ozzie Kind Of Crazy" Award

Awarded to the manager who had the most entertaining season to watch

[Previous winners: 2012 Bobby Valentine (BOS), 2013 Joe Girardi (NYY), 2014 Kirk Gibson (ARI), Matt Williams (WAS), Joe Girardi (NYY), Brad Ausmus (DET)]

---Kevin Cash of the Tampa Bay Rays---

Kevin Cash must be doing some serious drugs. Like, I bet he takes an analytics report, cuts it up until it's a fine powder, then snorts it. How else can you describe him deciding that closers should start games and starting pitchers should be either sent off to other teams or taken behind the barn and shot?
Next year I'm willing to bet he'll submit a lineup card that features no outfielders and 7 infielders.

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The "Go Stand in the Corner!" Award

Awarded to the most standout suspension of the season

[Previous winners: 2013 Ryan Braun (MIL), 2014 Alex Rodriguez (NYY), 2015 Jonathan Papelbon (WAS), Rougned Odor (TEX), Auston Romine (NYY)]

---Ken Giles of the Houston Astros---

Crime: Punching self in the head.

Time: 2 Loss of closer role, demotion and eventually traded.

You read that right; Ken Giles punched himself in the head. Dude gets so mad over giving up a home run that he gives himself a right hook. Astros were less than impressed and the very next game had someone else pitching the 9th inning. Eventually they decided the best thing to do is to send him away entirely by trading him for a wife beater.

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The "They'll Let Anybody Pitch" Award

Awarded to the pitcher who should never have been allowed near a mound

[Previous winners: 2014 Kevin Correia (LAD), Rick Porcello (BOS), James Shields (CWS), 2017 Wade Miley (BAL)]

---Dylan Bundy of the Baltimore Orioles---

8-16...5.45 ERA...171.2 innings...41 home runs allowed...and a .274 batting average against.

I'm just gonna rename this award to the Baltimore Orioles 5th starter award. Bundy was bad. No one gave up even close to as many homers as he did, and few gave up runners with such regularity.

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The "Just Retire Already!" Award

Awarded to the player on the wrong side of their prime

[Previous winner: 2015 Bartolo Colon (NYM), Alex Rodriguez (FA), Bartolo Colon (MIN)]

---Felix Hernandez of the Seattle Mariners---

Age: 32

Remember when King Felix was a feared force in baseball? I bet the Mariners are regretting the hell out if that giant contract they gave him. This season Hernandez went 8-17 with only 125Ks and an ERA of 5.55. I don't know who it is out there pitching, but it sure as hell isn't the King Felix I've come to know. I think it's time to retire, unless he's hurt. But if he's hurt in a way where he can't ever go back to being what he once was, maybe it's best to retire anyway.