The 2017 MLB Turtle-Wax Awards

Oh God, I'm back for the only update I ever make on time anymore!

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[The 2017 MLB Turtle-Wax Awards]

These are the awards you DON'T want to win.

The "Rays And Orioles Would Rather Play In This Division" Award

Awarded to the crappiest division in baseball

[Previous winners: 2009 AL Central, 2010 AL West, 2011 AL Central, 2012 AL Central, 2013 AL West, 2014 NL East, 2015 NL East, 2016 AL Central]

---The National League East: Braves, Marlins, Mets, Nationals, Phillies---

One division in all of baseball sported 3 teams with 90+ losses. The Nationals didn't so much as with this division by playing better, rather they won it by simply showing up. While every other division rocked multiple teams with wild card aspirations, the NL East threw out 4 teams that were nothing more than scrubs for the Nats to play.

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The "Steroid Accusation Rookie Of The Year" Award

Awarded to the slugger who is probably gonna get accused of steroids next, if not already

(I am NOT accusing the winner of steroids, just sayin...)

[Previous winners: 2009 Aaron Hill (TOR), 2010 Corey Hart (MIL), 2011 Jacoby Ellsbury (BOS), 2012 Edwin Encarnacion (TOR), 2013 Chris Davis (BAL), 2014 Victor Martinez (DET), 2015 Nolan Arenado (COL), 2016 Brian Dozier (MIN)]

---Justin Smoak of the Toronto Blue Jays---

2017 HR total: 38

Previous Career High: 20 in 2013.

"But he finally matured into a legit power threat" you say? No one suddenly doubles their power output like that....except Barry Bonds and David Ortiz...and we all know the reason for those two...

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The "What The Hell Happened To You?" Award

Awarded to the team that fell off the map when they were supposed to be contenders

[Previous winners: 2009 New York Mets, 2010 Seattle Mariners, 2011 Cincinnati Reds, 2012 Miami Marlins, 2013 California Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, 2014 Milwaukee Brewers, 2015 Seattle Mariners, 2016 Kansas City Royals]

---The New York Mets ---

I love the Mets, I really do. They talk so big when it's April. They tout their great young pitching and their off season signing and act like the Nationals shouldn't get too comfortable at the top. They spend like the Yankees, but forget they should probably play like the Yankees too if they don't want to get laughed at. I love the Mets.

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The "Shut Your God Damn Mouth" Award

Awarded to whoever talked too much without backing it up

[Previous winners: 2009 Chicago Cubs, 2010 MLB Network, 2011 Carlos Zambrano (CHC), 2012 Boston Red Sox, 2013 Jordany Valdespin (NYM), 2014 Keith Olberman (ESPN), 2015 Boston Red Sox, 2016 Boston Red Sox fans]

---Yasiel Puig of the Los Angeles Dodgers---

Didn't he get demoted last year for running his God damn mouth too much? I understand he's still pretty good, but he's no longer the elite player he used to be. Now he's flipping off fans and refusing to act like a fucking adult STILL? Hey Puig, the reason you're still a Dodger isn't because of how amazing you think you are, it's because no other team wants to deal with how much of a fucking headache you are! Even the Red So don't want you, and they'll take almost any loud mouth retard.

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The "This Years Miracle, Next Years Indians" Award

Awarded to the team that made a surprise playoff run this year, and will fall short next year

[Previous winners: 2009 Colorado Rockies, 2010 Tampa Bay Rays, 2011 Tampa Bay Rays, 2012 Baltimore Orioles, 2013 Cleveland Indians, 2014 Kansas City Royals, 2015 Houston Astros, 2016 Cleveland Indians]

---The Minnesota Twins ---

Man, do I regret not picking the Mets or Giants last year...

Even the Twins are shocked they pulled off a wild card game appearance. That doesn't bode well for a team striving for consistency.

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The "This Years Phillies, Next Years Miracle" Award

Awarded to a team that sucked this year, but can make a run next year

[Previous winners: 2009 Chicago White Sox, 2010 Chicago White Sox, 2011 Washington Nationals, 2012 Seattle Mariners, 2013 New York Yankees, 2014 Chicago Cubs, 2015 Detroit Tigers, 2016 New York Yankees]

---The San Francisco Giants---

Next year is an even numbered year. I don't think any of us should question that anymore.

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The "AAA Team In Disguise" Award

Awarded to a team that might have better luck in AAA

[Previous winners: 2009 Washington Nationals, 2010 Pittsburgh Pirates, 2011 Boston Red Sox, 2012 Houston Astros, 2013 Miami Marlins, 2014 Texas Rangers, 2015 Philadelphia Phillies, 2016 Minnesota Twins]

---The Detroit Tigers---

Justin Verlander was terrible this year. Then at the last second her goes to the Houston Astros and becomes unbeatable. Imagine what getting the fuck out of Detroit could do for your career!

Seriously, I know Verlander acted all upset about leaving his teammates and the only team he's called home...but I bet he was smiling ear to ear for the whole plane ride to Houston.

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The "Dull Knife In The Drawer" Award

Awarded to the biggest mental error this year

[Previous winners: 2009 Washington Nati(o)nals, 2010 Barak Obama, 2011 Brian Sabean (SF), 2012 Derek Norris (OAK), 2013 Mark Pagnozzi (HOU), 2014 Michael Pineda (NYY), 2015 Arte Moreno (LAA), 2016 Buster Posey (SFG)]

---David Price of the Boston Red Sox---

Remember last year when Boston signed Price and it was as if Jesus himself came down from heaven to play for them? If you forget, just watch how Boston acted when they signed Sale. Ever wonder why no one talks about Price anymore?
Is it cuz he's hurt? No.
Is it cuz Sale's better? No.
Is it cuz he can't beat the Yankees? A little bit.
Is it cuz he bitched out Boston sports writers? Bingo.
Boston sports writers will allow their athletes to get away with anything and apologize for them the entire way. Patriots are blatant cheaters? No problem. Ortiz an obvious steroid user? Lol, what steroids! Celtics build a super team while other teams get bitched about when they do it? That's just smart free agent signing. But all that goes away when you complain about the 3rd grade writing level writers that hail from Boston.

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The "Results May Vary" Award

Awarded to a player/team that didn't live up to the hype

[Previous winners: 2010 Stephen Strasburg (WAS), 2011 Carl Crawford (BOS), 2012 Los Angeles Dodgers, 2013 Toronto Blue Jays, 2014 Boston Red Sox, 2015 Robinson Cano (SEA), 2016 San Diego Padres]

---Eric Thames of the Milwaukee Brewers ---

Quick, name the most prolific home run hitter from this season! If you named Stanton or Judge, that's cool. If you named Eric Thames, then it somehow must still be April. In that case, let me tell you that those 11 home runs he hit in just April are NOT an indication of the rest of his season. Sure, a 30 homer season isn't anything to scoff at, but when you hit 11 in one month and everyone is expecting you to hit 50 or 60, simply hitting 30 is a massive let down.

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The "Ozzie Kind Of Crazy" Award

Awarded to the manager who had the most entertaining season to watch

[Previous winners: 2012 Bobby Valentine (BOS), 2013 Joe Girardi (NYY), 2014 Kirk Gibson (ARI), Matt Williams (WAS), Joe Girardi (NYY)]

---Brad Ausmus of the Detroit Tigers---

The entire city hates you, Brad. Maybe it's because of who you were asked to replace. Maybe it's because you took a perennial playoff threat and turned them into a team that walks away from this season with the #1 overall pick in next years draft. Or maybe, just maybe, it's because this is Detroit and Detroit hates everything.

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The "Go Stand in the Corner!" Award

Awarded to the most standout suspension of the season

[Previous winners: 2013 Ryan Braun (MIL), 2014 Alex Rodriguez (NYY), 2015 Jonathan Papelbon (WAS), Rougned Odor (TEX)]

---Austin Romine of the New York Yankees---

Crime: Punching Miguel Cabrera in the gut over and over

Time: 2 games...1 after appeal

Far from the only guy throwing punches in this fight, and far from the longest suspension (Cabrera got 6 before appeals). But while Cabrera started the fight and it was mostly a lot of pushing and wrestling to the ground, Romine decided to make it a real fight by pumping Cabrera with some body shots while he was pinning the guy to the ground.

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The "They'll Let Anybody Pitch" Award

Awarded to the pitcher who should never have been allowed near a mound

[Previous winners: 2014 Kevin Correia (LAD), Rick Porcello (BOS), James Shields (CWS)]

---Wade Miley of the Baltimore Orioles---

815...8.61 ERA...only 142 Ks in 157.1.2 innings...25 home runs allowed...and a .287 batting average against.

I was sooooooo close to giving this award to Rick Porcello until I realized that while Porcello was terrible (again) this year, Miley was just so much worse that it couldn't be denied.

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The "Just Retire Already!" Award

Awarded to the player on the wrong side of 35 that still thinks he can play

[Previous winner: 2015 Bartolo Colon (NYM), Alex Rodriguez (FA)]

---Bartolo Colon of the Minnesota Twins---

Age: Dirt. He's older than dirt.

Bartolo Colon was a close 3rd for my shitty pitcher award....and he's on a playoff team. Bartolo, father time isn't so much as catching up to you as he is lapping you several times. Stop pitching! 7-14 with an ERA of about 6 and a half! And you're only gonna get OLDER AND WORSE!