First Thoughts After Seeing The Evil Dead Remake

[Posted by Ted H]

So...I finally got around to seeing The Evil Dead remake.

...spoilers galore...

When it was first announced that Sam Raimi was only producing and instead it would be directed by: not-Sam-Raimi, I didn't know what to think. On one hand, Raimi was involved, surely he wouldn't let a remake of his greatest series get out of hand, right? On the other hand, someone else would be calling the shots.

What we got was a mixed bag.

2013-Evil Dead clearly made a volley to stand alone from it's predecessor, which is not a bad thing. But it made way too many references to the original series that it came across more as a bastardization...or fan-fiction, which is worse.

Differences!
Going to the cabin:
Original: Why the fuck not?
Remake: Mia needs to cold-turkey some drugs.

Releasing the demon:
Original: "Hey guys, let's play this tape we found in the basement next to this book."
Remake: Scotty (whatever his name is, besides Mia, I didn't bother to remember their names) fucking around with shit he's not suppose to.

Stopping the demons:
Original: Chop those fuckers up!
Remake: Chop em, burn em or...bury them? Dafaq?
Stopping ALL the demons:
Original: Burn the book.
Remake: ...404 file not found...

That scene in particular where Scotty is TRYING to burn the book and can't should have been the last call back to the original movies. "Look, he's trying right now the same thing Ash did in the original, but it isn't working. That means we have a clean slate now." Lol...nope.

This version could have done way better if it weren't constantly trying to reference shit from the original or even ED2. Cutting off a hand, singing "We're gonna get you" (in the trailer), the image of the "abomination", "I'll feast/swallow your soul" and "Feast on/swallow this.", "We just killed our girlfriend/your girlfriend just cut off her arm...does that sound fine?" and the chainsaw arm bit. And that's all shit off the top of my head. Maybe one or two would work (except anything from ED2 cuz that's such a radical departure form strait horror) but when you try to shoehorn as much as you can from the original source material into a remake, and still try to stand alone as your own movie, then everything starts to crumble.

And why do I take such offense to the chainsaw bit from this movie when I absolutely loved it when done in Evil Dead 2? Because ED2 wasn't trying to be a strait faced horror like the original. The scene where he reworks the chainsaw to fit his stump, cuts off the barrel of his shogun and says "Groovy" fits perfectly with the theme that movie maintained prior. Had Ash done all that in the climax of ED1, it would have been jarring and stupid. This movie was a strait faced horror all the way until Mia decided "I know, lemme shove my stump into the handle of this chainsaw then fire off a one liner."

That whole climax seemed forced. Like at the end of a video game where some random bloke shows up as the final boss. Who the fuck is this and why do I have to deal with it? And the concept of Mia even coming back to normal is rubbish. Possessed-Mia was the single biggest threat in the entire movie, but once that was no longer an option the people in charge were like "We want Mia to be the hero at the end, but we also want possessed-Mia to be the monster at the end." and then that little Mexican child walks into the office and says "Why not both?" Isn't the whole concept of possession that the possessor needs your body, otherwise it's not a problem? I guess we're hand-waving that. And while we're hand-waving shit, how about how Mia got unpinned from the overturned Jeep. It's not like there are and bones or muscles keeping your hand attached to your arm, just rip that shit right off like it's nothing. Also how there was no way in hell that Mia got enough gas into the chainsaw for it to start, let alone run for as long as it did at the ending.

...and my personal pet peeve: improbable nail guns. There was no compression hose, or any sign on a portable air compressor on that nail gun...so how could it work? Even if you hand-wave that, what about the safety feature of every nail gun that prevents you from just randomly firing nails like a gun? I mean you can easily bypass that by...oh wait, you need two hands for that, and possessed-Linda didn't have 2 hands...

Now don't get me wrong, 2013-Evil Dead was a great movie. I just cant get over the schizophrenic tone of it all. They wanted to be their own movie, but kept constantly elbowing you over "Hey, remember this from the original?" And then it all fell apart at the end with their surprise monster.
...and wasn't it mentioned earlier that the only way the Abomination would be able to cross over is if 5 souls were claimed...so did "saving" Mia's soul not count?...and when Ash died from the explosion and not from a demon possession. Seriously? More hand-waving?

...and now for a quick round of Challenge Pissing...
A better ending would be:
After "saving" Mia, Ash heads back inside to get his keys when possessed-Scotty shows up and attacks. Oh shit! Ash limps for the door to find Mia and OH SHIT! She's possessed again because the concept of saving her was fucking stupid. Ash is trapped and pretty much getting raped by two demons. He then realizes he still has his lighter and there's gasoline all over the place still. He then lures both possessed to the cellar and lights shit up. Everybody dies and everybody loses, just like in the original...or he shotguns the gas can and blows the house with everyone still inside. Either way is better than what we got.

Or better yet: fire wont kill the book? How about a shotgun blast?

Million Dollar Zombie 4-3

[Posted by Ted H]

I've found I do my best writing when I should be working...thus, this update is brought to you by: Me, working on the clock and when I should be doing other things that are much more important.

Realized after the fact that this part is mostly dialogue...which is what you get when it's mostly 2 non-black people failing to hotwire cars...
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[Million Dollar Zombie 4-3]

            Five minutes alone with a metal coat hanger, and Ted was able to pop the lock on most car doors. From there, Marko would attempt a hotwire while Ted sat lookout. The street was relatively empty, and Ted wondered where are the dead people went. "I got nothin," Marko said as he climbed out, failing to start the engine of another car. They had been making their way down the street towards the college trying every car they came across.

            "I thought you said you were good at this?" Ted asked.

            "I am," Marko protested.

            "Is this why you didn't tell Jay you could hotwire? Cuz you suck at it?"

            "My Uncle Lou taught me how. He also taught me how to break in faster than you can with your abortion tool...just not as quiet."

            So...how come we don't have a ride out yet?"

            "I dunno, but something's up with these cars. Might be related to why there's no power in the area either. Maybe that's why no one ran. They couldn't."

            "Well that doesn't help us now. Wanna head back?"

            "No," Marko said bitterly "You really think help would come?"

            "Maybe the army is planning some sort of sweep. Ya know? Comb through, save anyone alive and strait up kill everything else?"

            "You're a moron."

            "What's the worst case scenario? Since you're being so pessimistic about our chances, I'm sure you've thought of it already."

            "The army? They'll nuke the town."

            "The army isn't going to drop a nuke on us."

            "Not a nuke, but something."

            "That can't happen. Yeah, we're in the sticks, but Cazenovia is on maps. People WILL notice when this place gets eradicated."

            "Just wait until they find an excuse."

            "Whatever. We're not in immediate danger."

            "The idea of getting blown off the map sounds pretty immediate to me."

            "Then we're not in any immediate-immediate danger."

            "We're fucking dead either way."

            "Dude, the apartment is secure. Nothing is going to come after us as long as we're careful."          

            "And how much food do we have? You literally cleaned house when you moved out and your neighbor only had food in his fridge, which in fucking toxic now. He has, what, three bags of chips and a bunch of beer. Jay is fucking dead, if not from the bite, then from the fact that we have no way of treating his open wounds."

            Ted stayed silent for a moment before scanning the street. There was the occasional moan in the distance, but nothing that could be seen. "There's a health center or some shit nearby," he said "There's probably some gauze and stuff we can use for Jay. Worst comes to worst, they've at least got to have an aspirin." Marko shook his head. "I'd rather leave."

            "Yeah, well, we can't," Ted said.

            "Bull shit."

            "You wanna hump it on out of here, be my guest. We ain't gettin far with Jay hurt the way he is though. We at least need to deal with his leg."

            "There needs to be some car somewhere that works."

            "Are you even listening?"

            "I'm NOT saying here," Marko said, raising his voice as he balled his hands into fists.

            "Jerry and Jack will come back. We just need to sit tight. We can't drive out and walking out would be suicidal."

            "We can outrun those things. If we're smart-"

            "Jay can't walk."

            "We'll come back for him."

            Ted stood in silence at Marko. "We can't just leave him alone."

            "I thought you said the apartment was secure."

            "I don't wanna talk about this here," Ted said as he and Marko walked into the courtyard of a nearby church.

            "Hear something?" Marko asked as the two began hearing moans of the dead.

            "Not behind us..."Ted said as he snuck forward and crouched. A snow pile blocked their view of the parking lot, but they knew that the dead had suddenly gathered recently.

            The two snuck over to see that a mass of zombies had gathered right outside the nearby drug store. The front doors were ajar and zombies were pushing their way inside. "There a sale?" Marko asked as Ted eyed around towards the back to see someone crash out the rear exit. "Look," Ted said as he pointed him out. "It's one of those idiots from last night," Marko said as the man began climbing up the snowy and icy hill; the only other way out besides going passed the horde by the entrance. "Think he found supplies?" Marko asked. "Let's find out," Ted said as they ran.

            The hill behind the drug store let up right into another parking lot; this one for the health center. Ted and Marko didn't need to battle any hills, so they were able to cut across much faster and were able to intercept. "We're robbing him, right?" Marko asked as he held up his gun. "We don't really have the ammo to waste, do we?" Ted said as the man ran out into the health center lot and stopped at the sight of the two.

            "So you are both still alive." he said.

            "Ryan, was it?" Ted asked as Ryan nodded.

            "Never really remembered your names though," Ryan said.

            "Ted and Marko," Ted said as he pointed to each accordingly. "Jay's still alive, too." Ryan made a face. "Where is he then?" he asked.

            "Apartment," Ted said.

            "Anything good inside?" Marko asked.

            "No," Ryan said "Place was pretty much tapped. We can't stay here though. They'll catch up eventually."

            "We're just gonna hit up the health center real quick, if there's anything still inside." Ted said.

            "Not sure, but you don't have any time, unless you want those things following you right away," Ryan responded.

            "What if we have a distraction?" Marko asked.

            "I'm not doing that," Ryan said.

            "I'll do it," Ted said "Marko, just make sure you get enough shit. I'm trusting you on this. Ryan, you do whatever the fuck you want."

            "You sure about this?" Marko asked.

            "I know this town," Ted said "I'll be fine. Just keep the back door unlocked for me."

            Marko nodded and Ted took off for the street to head off the incoming hoard. "What about you?" Marko asked Ryan. "Supplies sounds good," he said "We can probably search faster together." Marko shrugged. "Whatever," he said as they headed for the entrance to the center. "Let's split up, gang," Marko said sarcastically "I'm sure that won't end badly."

Update goes here

Ted worked over 40 hours last week between both jobs on top of having to do other things...meaning: You get NOTHING! Aiming for update next week...

Million Dollar Zombie 4-2

[Posted by Ted H]

Work work work work working all week...only got a little bit done, but better than nothing right?

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[Million Dollar Zombie 4-2]

 

            "They're not going anywhere," Ryan said as he snuck back into the apartment. "It's not like we're going anywhere either," John said as Doc spied out the window at the undead below. They were still trying to claw their way into the stairwell. From there Doc was sure it wouldn't take long for them to get passed his front door. "The door will hold," he said as Ryan walked over and flopped down onto the couch next to John.
            "And if it doesn't?" Ryan asked.
            "Then we rush out the back." John suggested.
            "And follow those guys from last night?"
            "Worth a try."
            "And follow them where?"
            "The one guy told Doc where they were headed."
            "That other guy probably turned by now. They're all dead."
            "Maybe they got smart and offed the infected one."
            "Look, we're better off if we try to distract those things outside away from the door."

            "How?"
            "I don't know, but it's better than exposing ourselves out there."

            Doc walked away from the window and headed for the kitchen. "We're low on food and ammo," John said "No power, no way to heat the place. Mind telling me why this place is even worth defending?" Doc stopped in the doorway to the kitchen and turned his head. "Nowhere is safe," he said "Might as well hold fast where we are."

            "She's dead," John said "Candice isn't coming back. You waiting for her here is only going to get us all killed." Doc didn't turn around. "No one said you needed to stay," he said as he disappeared into the kitchen. John and Ryan looked at each other.
            "I have an idea," Ryan said "I'll go out the back way and circle around to the front, get those thing's attention and draw them away from the door." John shook his head. "So we'll just freeze and starve to death instead?" he asked.
            "We've got blankets, and maybe something is left inside the drug store. Doc is right though; nowhere else is guaranteed to be safe. Might as well fight for where we are.."
            "Whatever. Sure you can scale the pipe back up though?"
            "No, but I know you couldn't on your best day."
            "Whatever. Try not to get eaten." John said as he slapped Ryan on the shoulder.

BGI v3 [Part 2-2]

[Posted by Ted H]

...Managed to sit down and bust out the remainder of part 2 of BGI even while working both jobs...GO ME!

.......My manager also has a habit of always inquiring me as to how many pager I've written. Next time, I'll have a more definitive answer...
After that?.......I dunno...

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BGI v3 [Part 2-2]

            D was quick to his window when he heard the lone gunshot. He had heard some gunfire from inside the school but figured that was just some of the scientists who miraculously survived the labs. Gunfire outside might mean one of the white-coats are trying to escape as opposed to the standard protocol of making it to the safe area of the school and awaiting evac. No one was allowed to leave, especially now since it was up to D to kill all the staff. He didn't need anyone slipping through the cracks, not if he was still stuck here and especially not if the person escaping is also the one responsible, or knew of a way around the lockdown.

            He looked outside and bit his lip at what he saw. Students were shuffling about, some crowding around one of the broken down buses. Even from his vantage point he could tell most of them shouldn't be walking around. "Nobody told me the smaller Mosiers were capable of transmitting the virus," he said as he continued looking around until he saw two students running for the rear entrance. He exhaled and leaned back into his chair. The students weren't getting out.

            There was still the matter of the staff inside the school. D knew he wasn't getting anything done sitting in his office. He patted down on his gun tucked into his belt for the millionth time before punching in the code for his door to unlock. He wanted nothing more than to ride this situation out in the safest possible place, but he was trusted with a more important job to do, and there was a reason he was getting paid and trusted to be in the position he was in.

*********************************

            The door to the equipment room in the gym was closed, but there wasn't a latch; it needed a key to work the deadbolt or it would swing open anyway. The door needed to be closed because almost three dozen dead bodies were scattered around the gym walking around or eating other students. Judd, Al and Mangan were all inside the equipment room looking for supplies for the injured students when the first of the dead started getting up. They stayed where they were while panicked and injured students ran about trying to escape, but all exits were either locked tight, or opened into a hallway full of more undead.

            Al was holding the doors shut while Judd was looking over the gym equipment, trying to decide which would make good weapons. Mangan sat on the floor, racking his brain for an escape plan. "There's no other way out of this room," he said as Judd sized up a hockey stick, nodded and placed it next to another one he had set aside. "We hit up hallway 10 and fight our way out," he said as he checked out a new stick, shook his head and moved on.

            "I'm not a fighter," Mangan said as Al turned around quickly and put a finger up to his lips. "Shh," he said "One is wandering nearby." Mangan bit his lip and thought some more. Despite being a grade lower than the others, Judd was a big guy, and could easily wield the hockey stick as a weapon, but Mangan wasn't so well off. Had he known this day would come, maybe he would've hit the weights a few times. Al wasn't much use either, being overweight and now very strong either. Judd was tough, but not tough enough to make up for the other two.

            "The other doors were locked," Mangan remembers from the futile attempts of other students from before. So many had found their way into the gym when they realized that exiting the school was just as deadly. Some were severely injured and bled out in a matter of minutes; they were the first to later get up and start killing. "There was the one exit though," Mangan said in a low tone "It leads to the main office." No one had tried that exit because the dead were originally piled up by that doorway. Nobody tried exiting that way with all the undead by it.

            "You think those doors will be unlocked?" Judd asked.

            "It's our best bet," Mangan said.

            "Those doors are on the other side of the gym. Our 'best bet' would be fighting our way out the back."

            "That hallway is filled with more of those things. We leave that way, we'll be jumping out of the frying pan right into the fire."

            "What's to say that the main lobby isn't also filled with those things?"

            "We don't know. But we do know that the 10 hallway is a suicide run. There's only one safe option."

            Judd was actively failing several of his classes, despite Grime's already low standards. Mangan had no intentions of losing a debate with him. Judd thought for a moment as he pulled out one more hockey stick he deemed satisfactory. "I don't like it," he said "We're going for the 10 hallway and getting out. Maybe the chaos in there died down."

            "Don't be stupid," Mangan protested.

            "You do what you want," Judd said "That's my plan. Follow me or don't."

            Mangan made a face. "So we push right for the exit? I like it," Al said as Judd nodded and handed him a hockey stick. It was a suicidal idea, but so was splitting up, so Mangan conceded and picked up a stick of his own. "Stay close," Judd said as he stepped forward and peered out into the gym from behind the doors.

            "Ready?" he asked.

            "Not really," Mangan said.

            "Too bad."

            Judd threw open the doors and charged out holding his stick horizontally out. He caught any undead and pushed them away, giving Mangan and Al room to run. "Go! Get to the doors!" he yelled as he continued forward. Al and Mangan made a left for the nearby exit; only one zombie lingered in their path. Al thrust down on it with his stick, but the blow did little to kill it. Mangan ran in and tripped it up before it could grab Al.

            Al immediately went for the door and threw it open while motioning the others to follow. Mangan turned to see Judd throw his caught zombies down before running to catch up. Mangan then turned to Al just in time to see a mass of bloody hands reach from the outside and grab Al.

-Those things are still right outside the door. We're surrounded. We're fucked-
            Mangan stood almost in shock as Judd shouldered passed and grabbed Al's outstretched hand. "Don't let go!" he screamed as more hands groped at his body and face. Judd tried to pull Al back into the gym but ultimately pushed the poor man out and slammed the door closed behind him to keep the zombies out.

            "What do we do now?" Mangan screamed out frantically. They couldn't return to the equipment room, not without a way of closing the door. There was nowhere to hide. "We try your plan now," Judd said as he pushed ahead into the gym. Judd pushed passed a zombie and Mangan tried to stay close behind. He made a weak swing at an approaching ghoul, but it grabbed hold of his hockey stick and with a quick struggle, Mangan let go and ran to keep up hoping that Judd could make better use of his weapon.

            The two zigzagged diagonally through the gym making for the other corner doors. The dozens of zombies were initially scattered, but now were bunching up behind the men as they reached the door. Judd ran full speed into the doors, but they didn't budge. "No!" Mangan screamed, wanting to drop to his knees in defeat.

            Judd spun around to see the closing in horde, and took off running without missing a beat. "C'mon!" he yelled as he ran over and climbed up onto the stage. Mangan scrambled behind him just before the first undead student reached him. The zombies struggled to climb up behind them. They were slowed down, but Judd and Mangan couldn't afford to linger.

            They moved the stage curtain aside and ran on. It was dark backstage but they could make out any obstacles. There was a movable barrier on the opposite side of the curtain that led to the cafeteria. That would require them to move over set pieces and piles of costumes and props, and it was also assuming the barrier wasn't locked in place. On the far side though was a standard door leading into the back lobby, which would give them an exit from the school. They reached it to find it too was locked, but the door was wooden as opposed to metal like the gym doors.

            "I can bust this down easy," Judd said. "And if there are more out in that lobby?" Mangan asked. "Then we deal," Judd said as he turned and kicked the door. It didn't budge, but it gave off audible cracks. It wouldn't survive many more kicks. While Judd continued to assault the door, Mangan turned around to watch their backs. There were muffled moans from behind the curtain, but none of the undead were able to follow. Either they weren't able to climb up or the curtain proved too powerful of a deterrent.

            Another kick from Judd gave off the sound of splintering wood. "Almost," Judd said as he caught his breathe and prepared to kick again. Mangan allowed himself to breathe easy as he scanned the dark of the backstage area. His eyes were adjusting to the darkness just as he began to take notice of an odd smell. It was a potent chemical scent that burned at his nostrils. He scanned through the dark trying to see of anything stood out as the origin.

            One final blow from Judd allowed the door to swing open. Light flooded into the room as Mangan's eyes darted to the sign of movement from deep in the stage. A low, heavy growl sounded as Judd reached over and grabbed Mangan by the shoulder. "Let's go," he said as the two stumbled through and into the lobby.

Million Dollar Zombie 4-1

[Posted by Ted H]

Enough housekeeping! Time for some new material!

Job hunting has given me a potential opportunity for a decent paying job. Should I get it, I'd have to move n shit...which would lead to an indefinite hiatus on my part...I dunno when or if, but such a dead period might be coming...the people hiring me would have to finish their damn vacation...

But till then (or ever) you still got updates! Yay!

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[Million Dollar Zombie 4-1]

            Beams of light shone through the windows signifying it was morning. Ted shifted from his spot in the corner, facing the closed door to the bedroom. There wasn't any furniture in the room, but it was the only room in the entire apartment that had a door with a working lock. Marko was in the adjacent corner, also facing the door. Neither man slept much, if at all. Between them under the windows laid Jay, sound asleep.

            Ted checked once again out of paranoid habit that Jay was indeed still breathing as he slept. Both the other men had no intention of killing him just for being bitten, but neither was prepared to let their guard down in case he succumbed to his alleged infection. Jay had curled himself into a ball and Ted eyed how his chest rose and fell gently as the man slept. Ted wondered how long he had left, or if that was how the infection even worked. No matter how much time Jay did indeed have remaining, Ted had no intention of cutting it short, no matter what inconvenience doing so would cause. Either way, there were more pressing concerns then an injured friend.

            Out in the hallway laid the undisturbed corpse of the man Ted killed last night. There was no use denying the definitive cry the man made before Ted shoved the broomstick through his skull. After he and Marko so casually killed off an anonymous amount of the undead, Ted found it strangely comforting that he was still so bothered about killing one living person; albeit accidentally. There was still a sense of humanity, even amid all the chaos. Then again, they had only been trapped in town for one night as opposed to Doc and the others. Would he and Marko remain so just and level headed after a week?

            Ted had a good idea who the man in the hallway was. "Stay here," he said in a low tone to Marko as he stood up. Marko nodded as Ted reached for the bloody broomstick and opened the bedroom door. The hallway was still dark but there was more light coming in through the open door at the end. Ted pulled the door closed behind him as he made his way over to the body. "Why didn't you say something sooner you dumb son of a bitch?" he lamented as he half kicked the corpse as casually glanced in the open door, and his jaw dropped at what he saw inside.

            Back when he lived in the apartment, there was nothing special to Ted about the second bedroom. It was smaller and it bordered against his neighbors side, who was too loud. That neighbor was now dead in Ted's hallway. Now though the wall that bordered the bedroom and the neighbors side had a large hole in it, allowing anyone access to both sides. "So that's how you got in," Ted said as he stepped through the hole.

            The other side let out into an enclosed porch. The other end of the room had a staircase leading down to a back door leading to the back parking lots they were in last night. Ted made his way down that staircase to ensure the exit door was locked before he opened the other door leading into the apartment proper. Inside was quiet and dark just like next door. "Hello?" Ted announced but got no reply. Ted crossed the open kitchen to the front door and found it too locked tight. Both apartments were defiantly secure from the outside world, it was now just a matter of ensuring there was nothing inside with him and the others.

            He slowly made his way through the apartment beyond the kitchen; first the bathroom and then the living area. The door to the lone bedroom was shut and Ted was about to check it when he heard Marko calling his name. He headed back to find Marko helping Jay through the hole. "Problem?" he asked. Marko shook his head. "My fault," Jay said "I just don't think we need to split up if we don't have to." Ted smiled. "You don't need to worry about us," he said "We're the ones who need to worry about you."

            "So who's the corpse?" Jay asked, ignoring what Ted just said.

            "Neighbor," Ted said.

            "He make the giant hole in your wall?" Marko asked.

            Ted shrugged. "Maybe," he said "But I dunno why. His side seemed pretty secure to me."

            "Check the whole place? Clean?"

            "Just the bedroom remains. Care to join me?"

            Jay hung back in the kitchen while Ted and Marko approached the door to the bedroom. Silent and weapons drawn, Marko opened the door and let it swing open. The one window in the room had its curtains drawn over but there was still enough light leaking through to hint that there were two women inside; one was motionless on the bed while the other one was sitting in a nearby chair and snapped to attention.

            "Light," Marko said as he fished his cell phone out. The person in the chair struggled to stand up but remained sitting as they gave off muffled moans from behind some sort of gag. "What went on in here?" Ted asked as Marko lit up his phone and shined onto the woman in the chair. Her pale white eyes lit up as she struggled further to free herself from the chair and attack the two men.

            "Ho-ly shit," Marko said as he backed away from the restrained zombie. Ted crept closer to look. "What the fuck went on here?" Marko asked. "That would be..." Ted trailed off as he backed away "That would be Mrs. Neighbor...or fiancé...or whatever, she's dead now." Marko made a face as he watched the zombie struggle to free itself. "Why would he just keep it?" he asked while Ted used his own phone to light up around the bed. "Sentimental? It's a loved one, maybe he knew he wouldn't be able to kill her off."

            "You think so?" Marko asked as Ted lit up around the girl on the bed. "I don't fucking know. You're asking me to get into the mind of a creep...This one over here's dead at least...Dead-dead I mean." Ted reached under the dead girls head and retrieved a pillow, then he walked back over to the zombie. "What are you-" Marko started but Ted cut him off. "Poor mans silencer," he said as he placed the pillow around the gun and against the zombie's head and pulled the trigger.

            "What the fuck?!" Jay called from the kitchen as the zombies head tilted back and didn't move again. "Suppressor my ass," Marko said "That was loud as fuck." Ted shrugged as he dropped the smoking pillow. "Quiet enough so nothing outside could hear," he said.

            "How thin are the fucking walls in this town?" Marko asked.

            "You realize they're thin enough for an overweight psychopath to bust down the barrier into the next apartment, right?"

            "Still..."

            "And it's quiet as death out there. The slightest noise might notify a bunch of those things to us. I don't want no crowd."

            "Paranoid much?"

            "I consider that an important survival trait right now."

            "True..."

            "Holy shit!" Jay yelled from the doorway after crawling his way over. Ted and Marko turned to see him looking into the room through his camera. "What happened to that girl?" he asked. Ted and Marko used to phones to look over the body. She was naked and her armed were tied to the bedposts. There were various cuts and bruises all over her body but her legs were absolutely mutilated, some areas right down to the bone.

            "I thought that smell was coming from..." Marko started but just turned and made his way out of the room. Ted slowly made his way over to Jay and helped him onto a couch in the living room while Marko puked in the bathroom. "How did you even notice that?" Ted asked as Jay held up his camera. "Night vision," he said "Just dark enough in there to work." Ted looked over the camera. "That would have been useful last night when we were wandering into a horde," he said. Jay smirked. "Yeah, well, unless there was a 'blizzard vision' setting I don't know about, we would've been fucked either way."

            Marko slowly emerged from the bathroom while wiping his mouth with his sleeve. "No more fucking around," he said "Let's find a way out of this shit hole."

Why LAND OF THE DEAD sucked

"Why LAND OF THE DEAD sucked"
By: Ted H

A comprehensive point-by-point analysis delving into the George A Romero film LAND OF THE DEAD detailing exactly why it failed so hard as a follow up to the much heralded "Dead Trilogy" This movie was wrong in a number of ways, and I can prove it.



Land of the Dead
2005
George A Romero
Baker, Leguizamo, Hopper
Horror/Sci-Fi
Universal















Part 1: This land is our land (of the dead)!

Part 2: NOT Safe Haven

Part 3: Humans vs humans...featuring ninja zombies

Part 4: Nothing makes sense anymore!

Part 5: Challenge Pissing